Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Apocalypse Not Now

A few things I learned this weekend, before, during and after the End of the World Fail:

You can actually be too busy cleaning the house and getting ready for family to visit to remember that the end is nigh.

Returning a rental car at a busy metropolitan airport sometimes means you have to drive over two rows of nasty-looking spikes (while a younger, impatient driver yells They only pop the tires if you go the other way, lady!) As you are exiting the drop-off area, someone will hand you a really nasty pamphlet explaining Revelations and why you're going to be burning in hell in tomorrow. P.S., You will be so rattled by the spike thing that you will thank them for it.

When you contemplate what will happen to you if the Apocalypse ever does occur during your lifetime, you become absolutely convinced that you will be the one who has to do all the dirty laundry left behind by the Rapture.

$822.00 is what one pays for one month's supply of six of the nineteen medications keeping an elderly person alive when the computer refuses to accept their out-of-state insurance card. The computer also refuses to accept "Armageddon is right around the corner, you know" as a reason to give you the cheaper prices.

You decide the Apocalypse needs a funny T-shirt, and think up the one you want to wear, and then post it in a comment on someone's weblog (don't hit me, Raine.)

When you sign a book for someone who lives in a beautiful, exotic part of the world that you have missed for years, you will write "I wish I could pack myself in this box" which is weird but not as creepy as your first idea, which was "When the end is nigh, can I come and hang out with you?"

You can drive hundred miles on a busy interstate and miss all the billboards about the end of the world because you're too preoccupied dodging guys in expensive sedans who are texting while they're doing 80 mph while you simultaneously argue with a loved one about the care and feeding of elderly dogs.

You realize that the prospect of the complete, total destruction of all that you know and love does not frighten you as much as what will happen if you don't get the teenager's favorite outfit washed before school tomorrow.

So what, if anything, did the Apocalypse Not Now teach you? Let us know in comments.


  1. Hell, I'd pay cash money for that shirt, lol! :)

  2. - That it's a good thing I don't know anyone personally that actually believed this one - because afterwards, I'd have been obliged to make some smart remark about how they got left behind - along with the rest of the world.

    - Last week, I decided that the way to think of Science, and how everytime we learn something new, it creates more questions then it answers: Science is God's perpetual unemployment/put-people-to-work project.

  3. I haven't learned anything from this except that some people will believe anything, but I am sure that some of the believers will say the beginning of the end has begun and point out the volcanic eruption that started in Iceland on Saturday as proof.

  4. Yesterday I was joking with my mom... What if the Rapture really did happen, but the only guy who was called home lived alone in a cabin somewhere in the Rockies? Or what if the Rapture came and no one was invited? ;o)

  5. I was pretty sure nothing was going to happen, but I have a pretty vivid imagination and can often trick myself into thinking and believing bizarre things. I believed the Rapture wouldn't really happen, but the possible idea of it coming made me think a lot about what I do to get ready. I realized that it wouldn't matter to me if I'd gotten on a Books Bestseller List, or if I was the most famous person in the world, or if I had even visited the seven wonders of the world once the end was here. In my mind, I realized what mattered most was making sure all the people I cared about knew how I felt. I didn't want any words to go unsaid.

    Even though I knew the Rapture *probably* wouldn't happen, I texted an ex about the feelings I had about our past relationship, I wrote an email full of thank yous and you-matter-a-lots to my crush, and said a whole lotta' I-love-yous to my family. :)



  6. Yea - I understand about the price of medications since I am picking up meds every week for something or other - disease, high blood pressure, etc. etc.

    And as for Armegeddon - didn't it get postponed until October 21st. lol


  7. There was an apocalypse?

  8. Anonymous1:16 PM

    I do love your humor.
    You made my day with this one...


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