Monday, December 01, 2014

Gift No-Nos

Yes, it's officially holiday shopping season, so I thought I'd kick off December with

Ten Things I Don't Want For Christmas

Body-Fat Caliper: Very funny. This will get you gifted in return that home high colonic kit.

Books: As much as I'm sure I'd appreciate My Love Will Conquer Your Sadism or Amish Girl Stripper or the latest SF ripoff of Dick, Lem, Piper or Star Trek, how about a bookstore gift card instead?

Candy, Chocolate, or Sugar of Any Variety: It's been a decade since my doctor took sugar and sweets away from me, and yet every year some editor sends me that tower of chocolate thing I have to immediately donate. Stop it.

Exotic Teas: Yes, I am a tea lover. No, I do not want to make pots of vitaminized green tea infused with the essence of butternut squash. If you're still determined to tea me, go with decaf black, a single fruit flavor, or spiced chai.

Fur Anything: Not that I want to step on anyone's fur-loving toes, but I think we've evolved past the need to kill an animal in order to keep warm, yes?

House Plants: The cat eats them, and then throws up, usually on my bed pillow.

Massage Gift Certificate: Let's see, the relaxing chance to go to a little strip mall shop, take off all my clothes and lay face-down on an unsanitized, cracked vinyl mat while a person I don't know touches and pummels me? Pass.

Sexy Satin PJs: I'm not in the especially sexy stage of life, they're slippery, and during the night I tend to gravitate toward the edge of the bed. Plus my darling pup Skye sleeps on a quilt on the floor next to my side of the bed and if I fall, it's on top of her. P.S., I don't actually wear PJs.

Tattoo Parlor Gift Certificate: Ever wonder why I still don't have a tattoo? Ask my mom what she'll do to me if I ever get one.

Writer Novelties: I probably already own it. Yeah, even those lend-a-pens with the STD treatment clinic imprints.

What gift don't you want for the holidays? Let us know in comments.


  1. Massage gift certificates? Ewewew. And no tatts for me either.

    And no fruit cakes. There's some mystery ingredient in those that makes me gag. The only one that didn't, my sister made from scratch back in 1982. If you send me a fruit cake, courtesy will force me to have a nibble of it, then I'll retch and throw the rest away.

  2. All of the above, plus bookends, bookmarks, book totes, or anything that proclaims "writer" or "loves books."

  3. I don't want any of that stuff, either. My mom gave me sexy PJs for years, but she's finally given up. Do you think it was a hint I should get married? ;-)

  4. Isn't it funny how some people assume that if you read a lot you'll read anything? I don't know how many books I've been given that are still sitting on a shelf somewhere waiting for some else to read them. I'll have to clear them out and donate them to the library. I totally agree with you about the body mass indicator (I know how fat I am, you don't need to rub it in) & satin PJs, they just feel weird. Got the tat already, but would really enjoy a massage - at a very clean and sterile facility though! Oh and definitely not those Ferrero Roche chocolates. I seem to get them every year as I can't convince people I don't like them...

  5. Keita Haruka2:48 PM

    Books I agree with you about, and I'd extend that to music too. Just because I like something in one genre doesn't mean I like everything in that genre. Also, even if said person knows me well enough to know all my favourite authors/musicians, don't get me their latest stuff, because I've probably had it on pre-order the day it became available.

    As much as it pains me, chocolates are also out. So are cookies. And cake. :-( Anything even remotely delicious, really. :-(

    Electronic gadgets. Really. I have all I need. No, I don't need the iWhatever in my life because iDontCareAboutStupidStuff.

    Clothes. Please. Don't go there.

    That's all I can think of at the moment.

  6. tchotchkes. I have a tiny apartment. I don't need more filler.
    parenting books: no. just don't even think about it.
    toys as large as my son, or needing heaps of batteries. ( he's got so much stuff, we just told people to donate in his name to a good org of our choice instead).

    I will accept cheesy vampire gifts, because it's hilarious, and chocolate, and vodka. or bookstore certificates.

    Past gifts have included oddly non absorbent towels, tinned tuna, and bars of soap and fudge, unlabelled, so we had to taste test them. So we're kind of a no-gifts house now. Its easier all around.

  7. Pretty much anything that says "as seen on TV!" would be a NOOO. Contrary to what they claim, I do not think rubberized caulk-in-a-can would make a great gift. I also don't want the expanding garden hose when it'll probably be below freezing here, think Chia pets that mimic people are creepy, & believe anyone who uses the word "Ninja" in their product should be assassinated by one.


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