For National Novel Writing Month we always talk about the big issues: productivity, motivation, time management etc. Of course they're important, so they get a lot of attention. But almost every writer develops habits that can often become roadblocks on the way to the finish line. Since we have a particularly difficult road to travel in November, here are:
Ten Writing Habits That Can Wreck Your NaNo Novel
(And what you can do to stop or curb them)
Backtracking: Aka writing a scene or chapter, re-reading it, editing it, re-reading it, editing it, re-reading it, editing it, etc.
Solution: Read and edit what you write for NaNo only one time. If you can't resist the habit, only indulge it for that day. The next day, no matter how much you want to backtrack again, write something new.
Critiquing: Getting feedback from other writers on the work while it's in progress.
Solution: I don't do this, but I know it can be an important part of the process for other writers. Bottom line: You don't have time for critiques. Hold off on all of them until December 1st.
Doubting: Various ways of beating yourself up because you're not worthy, talented, a pro, as good as [insert name of favorite author], you suck, you never finish anything, your ninth grade English teach spit on everything you wrote, or any other reason that shuts down your muse/mojo.
Solution: First, agree with yourself. You're not worthy, or talented, or a pro, or as good as whoever, etc. I often think I suck at this, so you're in good company. Second, write it anyway. Write it for fun. Write it like you're just practicing your typing. Write it for no damn good reason at all.
Excessive Researching: You look for three accurate resources to confirm every fact in your story, and you won't go on until you find them all and add them to your bibliography.
Solution: Do your research and fact-checking in December.
Nesting: In hopes of creating a warm and cozy writing space you constantly do things like make idea boards, collect chachkas, surround yourself with scented candles, hang writing good luck charms over/around/on your computer, and pin motivational messages to yourself on the wall.
Solution: I'm not a nester, but I do respect your right to bury yourself in inspiring junk. The two problems with nesting are 1) being unable to stop long enough to write anything and 2) being distracted from the work by all the inspiring junk you've piled in your writing space. To solve either or both, for the month of November write somewhere else where you are not permitted to nest, like the quiet room at the library.
Over-Editing: There are various forms of this (like backtracking), but they all boil down to spending way more time editing than writing.
Solution: During NaNoWriMo do only a single pass edit of what you write. Save the rest for December.
Perfection Questing: Acts involved with the need to be sure your plot, characters, word choices and anything else involved in the writing is perfect, and the inability to write anything new until they are.
Solution: Like doubting, this habit can be paralyzing. I once sat next to a famous writer dude at a luncheon who admitted to me he spent ten years writing a single book because he had to be sure every word of it was perfect. You don't have ten years, you have thirty days, so write the story first and make it perfect later.
Procrastinating: Finding reasons not to write that include but are not limited to your lousy day job, mental exhaustion, your family problems, the fascinating new season of DWTS and so on.
Solution: This is a tough one, but remember that life is short. So is NaNoWriMo. I suggest that for the month of November you commit to writing an hour every day -- no matter how much your life sucks, or how little you get on the page. You may not cross the finish line, but having actual writing as part of your daily routine for a month may help combat the procrastination blues.
Waffling: You have difficulty or you're unable to make story decisions, which stalls your progress.
Solutions: I've got two for this: if you can't decide between two or more options, flip a coin until you narrow it down to one and use that. If you can't think of any options, place an editing marker like this in the story [name of John's high school] and move on.
Zoning: You can only write in the zone, aka those times when the words come in a huge, thrilling, endless rush that keeps you working tirelessly for hours.
Solution: I would love to write in the zone all the time. Personally I only get there once or twice a week -- if I'm lucky. The rest of the time I just show up for work and do my job. Showing up and doing the job for thirty days is a good way to get out of the zoning-only habit, too, so try it.
Do you have any writing habits that you want to kick? Have any advice for kicking them? Let us know in comments.
Showing posts with label ten things. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ten things. Show all posts
Monday, October 16, 2017
Friday, October 13, 2017
Story Jinxes
Since it's Friday the Thirteenth I thought I'd admit to:
Ten of My Writing-related Superstitions
Avoidances: There are some things I avoid writing in a story (and on the blog) because they spook me or I consider them jinxes, like that lettered board people use to talk to the dead. See how I avoided writing the name of it? Ha.
Beginning Rituals: I always meditate for an hour before I start a new story. Mostly I try to empty my brain and make it into a clean slate, but I also give thanks to the universe for any creative energy it's willing to send my way. If I can't do this, I'll put off starting the new story until I can.
Coin-Flip Titles: When I can't decide between two titles I really like for a story, I flip a coin and let the Fates pick it. This is why Evermore is not titled Everlasting.
Color Cursed: Yellow has been my bad luck color for most of my adult life, although I'm trying to get over it now via therapeutic quilting. Until I do, any time you see anything yellow in my work? Definitely not a good sign.
Crazy 8s: The number 8 relates to many weird things in my personal history, and it spooks me, so I try to use it sparingly -- usually only for weird things in a story.
Do No Harm: If I do base a character on a person in the real world, I try not to kill them off in the story, as I think that's tempting Fate in a very bad way. Anything else goes, however.
Easter Eggs: I regularly embed little treasures in my stories (and I'm not going to tell you what or where they are) mainly for fun, and to see if readers are paying attention. Like anagrams (also something I regularly hide in stories) I think they're good luck.
Fabulous 14s: Fourteen is my lucky number, and I do put it somewhere in every story I write as a personal talisman. If I can't fit in the actual number somewhere, I'll use the letters of the word fourteen as a secret acronym or acrostic sentence.
Names Not Used: I try never to name characters after people I dislike, random nouns, or members of my family. I think the first is bad luck, the second is silly, and the third is creepy.
Never me: It gives me the willies when writers Tuckerize themselves to become characters. One of the reasons I stopped reading Stephen King is because he did. Thus you will never see PBW as a character in any of my stories. I will occasionally refer to myself as part of a joke, but always unnamed.
Do you have any writing superstitions? Let us know in comments.
Ten of My Writing-related Superstitions
Avoidances: There are some things I avoid writing in a story (and on the blog) because they spook me or I consider them jinxes, like that lettered board people use to talk to the dead. See how I avoided writing the name of it? Ha.
Beginning Rituals: I always meditate for an hour before I start a new story. Mostly I try to empty my brain and make it into a clean slate, but I also give thanks to the universe for any creative energy it's willing to send my way. If I can't do this, I'll put off starting the new story until I can.
Coin-Flip Titles: When I can't decide between two titles I really like for a story, I flip a coin and let the Fates pick it. This is why Evermore is not titled Everlasting.
Color Cursed: Yellow has been my bad luck color for most of my adult life, although I'm trying to get over it now via therapeutic quilting. Until I do, any time you see anything yellow in my work? Definitely not a good sign.
Crazy 8s: The number 8 relates to many weird things in my personal history, and it spooks me, so I try to use it sparingly -- usually only for weird things in a story.
Do No Harm: If I do base a character on a person in the real world, I try not to kill them off in the story, as I think that's tempting Fate in a very bad way. Anything else goes, however.
Easter Eggs: I regularly embed little treasures in my stories (and I'm not going to tell you what or where they are) mainly for fun, and to see if readers are paying attention. Like anagrams (also something I regularly hide in stories) I think they're good luck.
Fabulous 14s: Fourteen is my lucky number, and I do put it somewhere in every story I write as a personal talisman. If I can't fit in the actual number somewhere, I'll use the letters of the word fourteen as a secret acronym or acrostic sentence.
Names Not Used: I try never to name characters after people I dislike, random nouns, or members of my family. I think the first is bad luck, the second is silly, and the third is creepy.
Never me: It gives me the willies when writers Tuckerize themselves to become characters. One of the reasons I stopped reading Stephen King is because he did. Thus you will never see PBW as a character in any of my stories. I will occasionally refer to myself as part of a joke, but always unnamed.
Do you have any writing superstitions? Let us know in comments.
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
Jump Start Ten
Ten Things You Can Do to Jump Start Your Writing Life
Color Spark: Put together a palette of colors (DeGraeve's Palette Generator will make one for you based on any online pic you feed to it) and create a character or setting based on the color combination.
Copy That: Write cover copy for a short story or novel you want to write. If you like how it comes out, use the copy as your story outline.
Cover It: Create a book cover for a story you want to write, and hang it up in your writing space as inspiration/motivation. Or use a cover generator like this French one (input your byline in the box and pick an edition) to generate something random, and write a story based on your results.
Descriptive: Go to a beautiful spot with a notebook, pen and (optional) camera. Describe where you are and what you see in as much detail as you can in your notebook. If you bring a camera, take photos of the most interesting aspects of your spot. You now have the setting for a scene; when you get home write one.
Eavesdrop: The next time you go out (and make sure you do this discreetly/safely) take a notepad and jot down the most interesting things you hear the people around you say. When you get home, choose one or more of the things you wrote down as dialogue, and write them into a scene.
Hour Aside: Devote one hour at the same time every day to work on a writing project (or, if you don't have one, start a new project.) People with day jobs, try getting up an hour earlier -- that always works for me.
Idea Book/Journal: Start a journal of writing ideas. You can just list whatever comes to mind when you think about writing. If you already have enough story ideas, write a journal from the POV of a character.
Super Short: Write a flash fiction of 100 words or less. If you want a real challenge, write a one-sentence story.
Trunk Treasures: Unearth any old story you never finished. Take from it one element (character, dialogue, plot, setting) and use that as inspiration for a new short story.
Uncontest: Find a fee-free writing contest that intrigues you, and write a submission for that contest just for fun (note: if you finish the story in time for the contest's deadline, submitting it would be awesome.)
Color Spark: Put together a palette of colors (DeGraeve's Palette Generator will make one for you based on any online pic you feed to it) and create a character or setting based on the color combination.
Copy That: Write cover copy for a short story or novel you want to write. If you like how it comes out, use the copy as your story outline.
Cover It: Create a book cover for a story you want to write, and hang it up in your writing space as inspiration/motivation. Or use a cover generator like this French one (input your byline in the box and pick an edition) to generate something random, and write a story based on your results.
Descriptive: Go to a beautiful spot with a notebook, pen and (optional) camera. Describe where you are and what you see in as much detail as you can in your notebook. If you bring a camera, take photos of the most interesting aspects of your spot. You now have the setting for a scene; when you get home write one.
Eavesdrop: The next time you go out (and make sure you do this discreetly/safely) take a notepad and jot down the most interesting things you hear the people around you say. When you get home, choose one or more of the things you wrote down as dialogue, and write them into a scene.
Hour Aside: Devote one hour at the same time every day to work on a writing project (or, if you don't have one, start a new project.) People with day jobs, try getting up an hour earlier -- that always works for me.
Idea Book/Journal: Start a journal of writing ideas. You can just list whatever comes to mind when you think about writing. If you already have enough story ideas, write a journal from the POV of a character.
Super Short: Write a flash fiction of 100 words or less. If you want a real challenge, write a one-sentence story.
Trunk Treasures: Unearth any old story you never finished. Take from it one element (character, dialogue, plot, setting) and use that as inspiration for a new short story.
Uncontest: Find a fee-free writing contest that intrigues you, and write a submission for that contest just for fun (note: if you finish the story in time for the contest's deadline, submitting it would be awesome.)
Monday, December 12, 2016
I Thank You No Ten
Since the holidays are upon us, I thought it might be time for my annual list of:
Ten Things I Do Not Want for Christmas
Assembly Required Objects: I no longer have the ambition, patience or motor skills to fit together nine hundred pieces of chipboard with a thousand little screws that require a special tool that inevitably is missing from the package. Even if it means I can't have a Darth Vader-shaped bookcase (and why would you think I'd want that? Batman is my guy.)
Books That Are Not Books: This includes but is not limited to book safes, book boxes, book-shaped book ends, shelves, stands for other books -- look, I know I love books, but the reading kind, people.
Diet Products: I don't use them. I lost thirty pounds because I became more active, watched my portions and stopped snacking. That's it and that's all I'm doing next year. Heartless of me, I know.
Faux Fur Purses: You don't think they're creepy?
Hairdo Tools: I do not crimp, straighten, curl or blow dry my hair. I wash it and towel/air dry it. If this makes me a cave woman, so be it. I still have more hair than most women my age, so I must be doing something right.
One-Cup Coffee Makers: Sorry, tea drinker. Also, I think they're too expensive, the cup things are weird and (unless you're single or the only coffee drinker in the house) using them is a bit selfish.
Political Junk: Please take your soapbox out of my face and my holiday, thank you.
Satin PJs: If I have to explain this to you, you're too young to know why.
Singing Ornaments: I have about ten million ornaments already, but with my hearing problems when they activate while I'm alone I think someone is in the house with me. I then run out of the house, peer in the windows, debate on calling 911 and generally behave like an idiot. Save me from myself and my lousy eardrums, will you?
What don't you want for Christmas? Let us know in comments.
Ten Things I Do Not Want for Christmas
Assembly Required Objects: I no longer have the ambition, patience or motor skills to fit together nine hundred pieces of chipboard with a thousand little screws that require a special tool that inevitably is missing from the package. Even if it means I can't have a Darth Vader-shaped bookcase (and why would you think I'd want that? Batman is my guy.)
Books That Are Not Books: This includes but is not limited to book safes, book boxes, book-shaped book ends, shelves, stands for other books -- look, I know I love books, but the reading kind, people.
Diet Products: I don't use them. I lost thirty pounds because I became more active, watched my portions and stopped snacking. That's it and that's all I'm doing next year. Heartless of me, I know.
Faux Fur Purses: You don't think they're creepy?
Hairdo Tools: I do not crimp, straighten, curl or blow dry my hair. I wash it and towel/air dry it. If this makes me a cave woman, so be it. I still have more hair than most women my age, so I must be doing something right.
One-Cup Coffee Makers: Sorry, tea drinker. Also, I think they're too expensive, the cup things are weird and (unless you're single or the only coffee drinker in the house) using them is a bit selfish.
Political Junk: Please take your soapbox out of my face and my holiday, thank you.
Satin PJs: If I have to explain this to you, you're too young to know why.
Singing Ornaments: I have about ten million ornaments already, but with my hearing problems when they activate while I'm alone I think someone is in the house with me. I then run out of the house, peer in the windows, debate on calling 911 and generally behave like an idiot. Save me from myself and my lousy eardrums, will you?
What don't you want for Christmas? Let us know in comments.
Monday, September 12, 2016
Offline Endeavors Ten
Ten Things I Did While on HiatusAnger Management: It took awhile, but I channeled my temper in some positive directions, resolved an ugly, toxic personal situation without responding in kind, accepted that which I will never be able to change, and generally walked the Serenity Prayer path every step of the way. Sometimes you really do have to turn it over to your higher power, and I did. If you're ever at the same crossroads, this is a good way to go.
Baby Bunny Rescue: While my guy was doing the lawn he accidentally uncovered a nest of three tiny baby bunnies about a foot away from our back porch. The babies were so small you could literally hold them in the palm of your hand. Because of the damage to the burrow, and the threat of our dogs (who then knew exactly where it was) we couldn't leave them where they were, so we put them in a carrier. My daughter and I then drove for an hour through a pretty hellacious storm to get them to a volunteer at a regional wildlife sanctuary. This place will care for them until they're old enough to be released back into the wild.
Best. Zen. Revenge. Ever.: This also took some time, but I straightened out all the contract headaches caused by the fake reviews posted for a story I never wrote on that site I'm never again going to mention by name here (this to keep away Googling trolls.) In the process I sold translation rights for two stories that I actually did write and made a nice pile of money. These earnings will pay for a big chunk of my kid's school expenses this semester. So in the end the mess turned into something terrific for me, and very helpful for my college kid.Edited Stuff: I finally got the chance to edit and post the final version of my Just Write novella Ghost Writer, which you can read, download, print out and share with friends for free by clicking here.
Flying Solo: I handled my first major contract negotiation with a publisher in another country; this without an agent or anyone helping me. I'd say I did very well, and oddly enough the universe did not collapse. Who knew?
Road Trip: My family took me to a beautiful little fishing village on my birthday, where we spent the day walking around and taking pictures and having fun together. Being with my crew and recharging my creative batteries is the best way to spend any birthday.
Sewed and Created My Brains Out: All the time I usually spend on the blog went toward sewing for fun and getting a jumpstart on my holiday projects. I made tons of pillows, taught myself the basics of silk ribbon embroidery (still need a lot of practice, but wow, really a cool way to embellish), designed and pieced a queen size quilt, and pattern-pieced a lap quilt, embroidered a silk needlebook with a lace jellyfish on it as a tribute to my birthday trip (see pic below), and even rehabbed an old Victorian photo album into an art journal. I also made a new and extremely creative, inspiring friend, and tried some stuff I've never done with vintage fabrics, silk and reclaimed wool. Basically eight weeks of creative bliss.
Slow-Cookery: One of my birthday gifts was a beautiful multi-function slow cooker that also steams rice, makes yogurt and even bakes cheesecake. It really does just about everything but set the table for me. I then found a slow-cooker recipe book at BAM, and I'm trying a new recipe every week. This will come in handy this winter, too, when we want more substantial meals.Spruced Up: Another nice thing I did for myself was to clean up and clear out my spare bedroom and office. I'm now working on the closets in both rooms, which are way overloaded with stored stuff I'm probably never going to use again. Everything we don't want to keep will be donated to Goodwill or the Families in Distress shelter, as applicable.
Wrote: About 100K altogether for the clients, but also some poetry and lots of journal entries. I also finally cleaned out the last of my e-mail accounts.
I am still working on a few things yet to be decided, finalized, etc., but all things considered my two point five months away were very productive. My next post will be on this Friday, the 16th, at which time I'll explain more of what's ahead and everything that will be changing with PBW.
So what's been going on with you all? Did you miss me, or was it a nice vacation for you, too? Anyone read some great books? Publish their own? Please catch me up in comments.
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
No Sabotage Ten
Ten Ways Not to Sabotage Your Writing Time
Calm: The best mood to be in when you do any work is calm and focused, so get yourself to that state before you begin work. I do this daily with morning meditations, and I also have a mental ritual I do before every writing session to dispense with distracting feelings. Think of it as clocking in to your writing job.
Check Weather: If you live in an area like I do with unruly weather, check the daily forecast. I use Weather.com to look at the radar map and see if there's any time I might have to stop writing due to thunderstorms.
Clear Out the Cobwebs: If you're thinking about something else while you're writing, you're fighting a mental war on two fronts. End the battle by clearing your mind of everything except what serves your story. I do this by journaling, so I can get all those other, non-writing thoughts out of my head before I begin work.
Comfortable Outfit: I am amazed at all these writers who say they work in three-piece suits, full make-up, etc. If that works for you okay, but personally I work better when I'm dressed comfortably. My standard writing uniform is a large T-shirt, leggings, and soft socks. I put my hair up to keep it out of my face. Occasionally I wear some of my old scrubs, too.
Electronics Off: If you can't stay off your smart phone, shut it off and put it out of reach. Same goes for the television, stereo, e-book reader, video games and any other distracting electronic device. This is your work time; use only the computer on which you're writing (exception: if listening to music helps you write better, turn on the stereo -- but try to keep it low.) Also, stay off the internet.
Goal Set: Have a clear idea of your writing goal for the day. You can go with a wordcount or number of pages. Time also works -- such as committing to writing for two hours (and take breaks!)
Healthy Snack: Working while you're hungry can be distracting and make you cranky, so have a light, healthy snack. A banana or an apple always does the trick for me.
Hydrate: One of the healthy habits I've gotten into is drinking a glass of water before I start writing. There are two reasons for this -- it keeps me from wanting to make some hot tea while I write (making it is the distraction), and it forces me to get up and take a bathroom break after about an hour.
Physical Therapy: Limbering up before you sit down at the computer can make you feel better, increase blood flow and help your overall health. I do my stretches, which are simplified yoga moves, for a few minutes before I begin writing. I also do stretches on my writing breaks. For those of you who are in better shape, here's a ten minute workout for desk workers.
Save Everything: Before you start writing, back up your previous work on a memory stick or other autonomous spot. Also make a mental note to continue to save your work at the bottom of every new page you write. It's a good habit to get into, and if anything goes wrong during your writing session, you won't lose anything.
Calm: The best mood to be in when you do any work is calm and focused, so get yourself to that state before you begin work. I do this daily with morning meditations, and I also have a mental ritual I do before every writing session to dispense with distracting feelings. Think of it as clocking in to your writing job.
Check Weather: If you live in an area like I do with unruly weather, check the daily forecast. I use Weather.com to look at the radar map and see if there's any time I might have to stop writing due to thunderstorms.
Clear Out the Cobwebs: If you're thinking about something else while you're writing, you're fighting a mental war on two fronts. End the battle by clearing your mind of everything except what serves your story. I do this by journaling, so I can get all those other, non-writing thoughts out of my head before I begin work.
Comfortable Outfit: I am amazed at all these writers who say they work in three-piece suits, full make-up, etc. If that works for you okay, but personally I work better when I'm dressed comfortably. My standard writing uniform is a large T-shirt, leggings, and soft socks. I put my hair up to keep it out of my face. Occasionally I wear some of my old scrubs, too.
Electronics Off: If you can't stay off your smart phone, shut it off and put it out of reach. Same goes for the television, stereo, e-book reader, video games and any other distracting electronic device. This is your work time; use only the computer on which you're writing (exception: if listening to music helps you write better, turn on the stereo -- but try to keep it low.) Also, stay off the internet.
Goal Set: Have a clear idea of your writing goal for the day. You can go with a wordcount or number of pages. Time also works -- such as committing to writing for two hours (and take breaks!)
Healthy Snack: Working while you're hungry can be distracting and make you cranky, so have a light, healthy snack. A banana or an apple always does the trick for me.
Hydrate: One of the healthy habits I've gotten into is drinking a glass of water before I start writing. There are two reasons for this -- it keeps me from wanting to make some hot tea while I write (making it is the distraction), and it forces me to get up and take a bathroom break after about an hour.
Physical Therapy: Limbering up before you sit down at the computer can make you feel better, increase blood flow and help your overall health. I do my stretches, which are simplified yoga moves, for a few minutes before I begin writing. I also do stretches on my writing breaks. For those of you who are in better shape, here's a ten minute workout for desk workers.
Save Everything: Before you start writing, back up your previous work on a memory stick or other autonomous spot. Also make a mental note to continue to save your work at the bottom of every new page you write. It's a good habit to get into, and if anything goes wrong during your writing session, you won't lose anything.
Thursday, December 03, 2015
Gift Pass Ten
Ten Things I Don't Want for Christmas
Chicken Soup for [Anything] Books: Personally I find reading inspirational story-themed anthologies a bit like being gently and repeatedly hammered over the head with a pillow in which someone has inserted a brick. Also, I'm not currently suffering from anything that requires literary chicken soup. If that should change my eyes are probably going to be too swollen to read, so how about you instead bring me a box of tissues and a nice cup of tea?
Chocolate-Flavored Body Paint: Interesting, but it probably contains sugar, so no.
Gourmet Popcorn: While I do like popcorn, I don't like it so much that I can eat a barrel of it before it goes stale.
Jarred Food Gift-to-Make: As pretty as those ingredients are layered in those mason jars, what you're actually doing is giving me more work to do during the holidays, which I don't actually need, thanks. If you want me to have cookies, make the cookies for me.
Jewelry Holder: I can't wear rings or bracelets or necklaces anymore due to arthritis-related issues, so I gave all of my jewelry to the daughter. I own exactly one pair of earrings, which I wear all the time, so I am my own jewelry holder.
Quilting Gadget: I own them all already. Seriously. Even that handy magnetic wrist pin holder/picker-upper.
Personalized Pillowcases: My guy and I remember which side of the bed is ours (I'm left, he's right.) The cat will also probably either puke on them or sharpen his claws on them, at which point they will become personalized cleaning rags.
Sausage and Cheese Food Gifts: Not healthy or very tasty, and we're watching our cholesterol and chemical preservative intake. If you must food gift us send organic fruit, please.
Smart Technology of Any Variety: I'm not interested in ignoring people so I can fiddle with some device while they fiddle with theirs or stare at the top of my head.
Writers Do It [insert risque phrase] T-shirt: Cute but not something I'd wear. Also, no one wants to think about how I do it at my age, sweetie.
What don't you want for Christmas? Let us know in comments.
Chicken Soup for [Anything] Books: Personally I find reading inspirational story-themed anthologies a bit like being gently and repeatedly hammered over the head with a pillow in which someone has inserted a brick. Also, I'm not currently suffering from anything that requires literary chicken soup. If that should change my eyes are probably going to be too swollen to read, so how about you instead bring me a box of tissues and a nice cup of tea?
Chocolate-Flavored Body Paint: Interesting, but it probably contains sugar, so no.
Gourmet Popcorn: While I do like popcorn, I don't like it so much that I can eat a barrel of it before it goes stale.
Jarred Food Gift-to-Make: As pretty as those ingredients are layered in those mason jars, what you're actually doing is giving me more work to do during the holidays, which I don't actually need, thanks. If you want me to have cookies, make the cookies for me.
Jewelry Holder: I can't wear rings or bracelets or necklaces anymore due to arthritis-related issues, so I gave all of my jewelry to the daughter. I own exactly one pair of earrings, which I wear all the time, so I am my own jewelry holder.
Quilting Gadget: I own them all already. Seriously. Even that handy magnetic wrist pin holder/picker-upper.
Personalized Pillowcases: My guy and I remember which side of the bed is ours (I'm left, he's right.) The cat will also probably either puke on them or sharpen his claws on them, at which point they will become personalized cleaning rags.
Sausage and Cheese Food Gifts: Not healthy or very tasty, and we're watching our cholesterol and chemical preservative intake. If you must food gift us send organic fruit, please.
Smart Technology of Any Variety: I'm not interested in ignoring people so I can fiddle with some device while they fiddle with theirs or stare at the top of my head.
Writers Do It [insert risque phrase] T-shirt: Cute but not something I'd wear. Also, no one wants to think about how I do it at my age, sweetie.
What don't you want for Christmas? Let us know in comments.
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Blockbuster Ten
Ten Things You Can Do to Bust Writer's Block
Break It Promise: Make this deal with yourself: if you write for the next thirty minutes, you can take thirty minutes off to do something fun. If thirty minutes seems too long, try fifteen or ten.
Celebrate: Throw yourself a Writer's Block party with your real-life people. Order in Chinese or Pizza. Ask everyone for suggestions on how to beat your block. Offer silly prizes for the best suggestions.
Change POV: Switch the POV to another character. Try telling your story from the point of view of other-than-protagonist characters, too, like a secondary, a hidden character, or the antagonist.
Clean: This is my favorite method for getting back on track with writing -- I tidy a room, vacuum the carpet, dust, or do some other housework for an hour. Cleaning always works out my frustrations and makes me feel better. By the time I'm finished I always feel like I've gotten rid of the internal cobwebs and dust bunnies, too.
End it: Stop writing whatever you're working on and write the very last chapter of that story.
Move On: Often a block is caused by a difficult-to-write scene. If that's the case, tag the place for the scene with a short reminder (i.e. [write fight scene between A and B]) and move on to the next.
Musical: Stop writing and listen to some inspiring music for fifteen minutes. Or take a break and put together a playlist for your story, and then listen to the piece you choose for the place where you stopped in the story and use the music to help you better visualize your scene.
Relocate: Take your writing and go somewhere else to write. Try different and new locations like a park, a library, or a cafe you've never visited. See where you're most productive and write there for a week.
Shutdown: If you can't write because your story seems trite, you've lost interest in it, you can't figure a way out of a plot problem, your characters have turned into wallpaper or any of a thousand other causes for your writer's block, why bother? Shelve the story and start a new one. You can always go back to the story you shelve if you want to have another go at it.
Timely: This is a way to start short and build on what you can do. Begin by writing five words. Take a short break. When you come back, write ten more words. Take a short break. When you come back, write twenty more words. Take a short break. Continue on by doubling your wordcount every time you come back from a break until you're back writing at your optimum rate.
Break It Promise: Make this deal with yourself: if you write for the next thirty minutes, you can take thirty minutes off to do something fun. If thirty minutes seems too long, try fifteen or ten.
Celebrate: Throw yourself a Writer's Block party with your real-life people. Order in Chinese or Pizza. Ask everyone for suggestions on how to beat your block. Offer silly prizes for the best suggestions.
Change POV: Switch the POV to another character. Try telling your story from the point of view of other-than-protagonist characters, too, like a secondary, a hidden character, or the antagonist.
Clean: This is my favorite method for getting back on track with writing -- I tidy a room, vacuum the carpet, dust, or do some other housework for an hour. Cleaning always works out my frustrations and makes me feel better. By the time I'm finished I always feel like I've gotten rid of the internal cobwebs and dust bunnies, too.
End it: Stop writing whatever you're working on and write the very last chapter of that story.
Move On: Often a block is caused by a difficult-to-write scene. If that's the case, tag the place for the scene with a short reminder (i.e. [write fight scene between A and B]) and move on to the next.
Musical: Stop writing and listen to some inspiring music for fifteen minutes. Or take a break and put together a playlist for your story, and then listen to the piece you choose for the place where you stopped in the story and use the music to help you better visualize your scene.
Relocate: Take your writing and go somewhere else to write. Try different and new locations like a park, a library, or a cafe you've never visited. See where you're most productive and write there for a week.
Shutdown: If you can't write because your story seems trite, you've lost interest in it, you can't figure a way out of a plot problem, your characters have turned into wallpaper or any of a thousand other causes for your writer's block, why bother? Shelve the story and start a new one. You can always go back to the story you shelve if you want to have another go at it.
Timely: This is a way to start short and build on what you can do. Begin by writing five words. Take a short break. When you come back, write ten more words. Take a short break. When you come back, write twenty more words. Take a short break. Continue on by doubling your wordcount every time you come back from a break until you're back writing at your optimum rate.
Monday, October 05, 2015
NaNoPrep Ten
With NaNoWriMo less than a month away, it's a good time to begin the prep for writing your November novel. To help you with that, here are:
Ten Things You Can Do to Prepare for National Novel Writing Month
Decide: Committing to take part in NaNo is a huge thing, and everyone should think it over carefully before signing up. Doing that now instead of on October 31st 11:59 pm gives you more time to weigh all the pros and cons and be sure you can swing it. But if you can do all that in sixty seconds or less, by all means, wait.
Declutter: Clean up your writing space. Leave only the things you absolute need to write a novel in thirty days and get rid of the rest of the ephemera. If you'd rather leave the creative nest intact, set up a new one just for your NaNo novel.
Dig for Supplies: If you want to use a notebook, notepad or other office supplies, and they're buried in some closet or drawer, go excavate and create a NaNo-ready pile. Or, if you don't have the supplies you need, buy them now.
Discuss: You need to write your ass off in November, and you don't need people railroading you with helpful input while you're trying to do that. So: if you must discuss your story idea with a crit partner, writing pal or other source of sympathy and feedback, do it this month. Or make NaNoWriMo like Fight Club and don't talk about it with anyone whatsoever.
Dive into Research: If you need to read up on a certain topic to prep your knowledge base for your November novel, now would be the time. Make it a weekend thing and take notes so that when you are writing next month they're right there and ready to be used.
Do the Outline: This will help you decide if your idea will stretch for at least 50K words. Even if you don't follow it, outlining can help you sort out the story in your head. Organic writers, you can skip this step if outlining kills a story for you.
Dole Out Responsibilities: Talk to your spouse, significant other, kids, parents, friends and anyone else who can mess with you in November and let them know you're trying to write a novel in thirty days. Ask them to help you by pitching in with housework, cooking, laundry, etc.
Dropkick the Doubt: November is National Novel Writing Month. Note the word doubt appears nowhere in the previous sentence. If you must torture yourself, October is the unofficial month of I Don't Know if I Can Do This. My advice? Spend the next couple weeks dropkicking the doubt out of your head. Do November for you, for fun. Screw the doubt.
Dump the Distractions: Weed out all the unnecessary writing-related tasks from your writing life. Put your blog on vacation. Shutdown Facebook, Instagram, and any other time-sucking online vortex. Twit your Tweeter pals and explain you're going to Antarctica for the winter if you have to, but take a break from everything that keeps you from writing.
Dwell on Your Ideas: Now that you've done most or all of the above, spend some time thinking about your story idea. Let it run in your head like a movie only you can see. Enjoy fleshing out your characters. Pick songs or color palettes for them. Assemble your novel notebook. Have fun building your world, laying out your settings, and otherwise visiting and polishing and refining your story playground. Because next month, when it's time to actually play in it? You won't have time.
Ten Things You Can Do to Prepare for National Novel Writing Month
Decide: Committing to take part in NaNo is a huge thing, and everyone should think it over carefully before signing up. Doing that now instead of on October 31st 11:59 pm gives you more time to weigh all the pros and cons and be sure you can swing it. But if you can do all that in sixty seconds or less, by all means, wait. Declutter: Clean up your writing space. Leave only the things you absolute need to write a novel in thirty days and get rid of the rest of the ephemera. If you'd rather leave the creative nest intact, set up a new one just for your NaNo novel.
Dig for Supplies: If you want to use a notebook, notepad or other office supplies, and they're buried in some closet or drawer, go excavate and create a NaNo-ready pile. Or, if you don't have the supplies you need, buy them now.
Discuss: You need to write your ass off in November, and you don't need people railroading you with helpful input while you're trying to do that. So: if you must discuss your story idea with a crit partner, writing pal or other source of sympathy and feedback, do it this month. Or make NaNoWriMo like Fight Club and don't talk about it with anyone whatsoever.
Dive into Research: If you need to read up on a certain topic to prep your knowledge base for your November novel, now would be the time. Make it a weekend thing and take notes so that when you are writing next month they're right there and ready to be used.
Do the Outline: This will help you decide if your idea will stretch for at least 50K words. Even if you don't follow it, outlining can help you sort out the story in your head. Organic writers, you can skip this step if outlining kills a story for you.
Dole Out Responsibilities: Talk to your spouse, significant other, kids, parents, friends and anyone else who can mess with you in November and let them know you're trying to write a novel in thirty days. Ask them to help you by pitching in with housework, cooking, laundry, etc.
Dropkick the Doubt: November is National Novel Writing Month. Note the word doubt appears nowhere in the previous sentence. If you must torture yourself, October is the unofficial month of I Don't Know if I Can Do This. My advice? Spend the next couple weeks dropkicking the doubt out of your head. Do November for you, for fun. Screw the doubt.
Dump the Distractions: Weed out all the unnecessary writing-related tasks from your writing life. Put your blog on vacation. Shutdown Facebook, Instagram, and any other time-sucking online vortex. Twit your Tweeter pals and explain you're going to Antarctica for the winter if you have to, but take a break from everything that keeps you from writing.
Dwell on Your Ideas: Now that you've done most or all of the above, spend some time thinking about your story idea. Let it run in your head like a movie only you can see. Enjoy fleshing out your characters. Pick songs or color palettes for them. Assemble your novel notebook. Have fun building your world, laying out your settings, and otherwise visiting and polishing and refining your story playground. Because next month, when it's time to actually play in it? You won't have time.
Saturday, September 05, 2015
Foot Shot Ten
Ten Ways Writers Sabotage Themselves and Their Work
(with possible solution suggestions)
1. Death by Critique: Your first chapter must be thoroughly critiqued by your best writer friend, your crit group, your mom and her friends, and anyone else you can think of who speaks English and isn't dyslexic; this so you can keep improving the same chapter over and over until you get sick of it and start writing the first chapter of your next story idea; lather, rinse, repeat for the rest of your life.
Solution: finish writing the story before you show it to anyone, even Mom.
2. Excuses, Excuses: You have more than ten valid reasons as to why you're not writing that you can recite on demand.
Solution: Oh, sweetie, we all do (I have at least twenty. Really good ones, too.) So you've got two options: 1) shut up, sit your ass down, and write, or 2) stop calling yourself a writer.
3. Heart Bookworms: You have been working on one vitally, important-to-you story that is all you can think about, may be your greatest accomplishment, and will take at least another year or two to finish.
Solution: Sadly there is no cure for Book of Your Heart disease, but to prevent your obsession from eating your brain, you can devote one day a week to writing something else -- anything else -- purely for fun.
4. Lit Churra, Sure: You are crafting a fiction experience that already you know very few people other than your Lit professor and that weird girl in the third row of your Advanced Eng Lit 3 class who never plucks her eyebrows can even begin to comprehend.
Solution: Write for your own pleasure, not profit. You'll be much happier. Trust me on this.
5. Me, Myself and My Ex: Every story you write is revenge for your break-up or divorce, cleverly disguised as fiction that features a protagonist who looks exactly like you, and with whom everyone in the book wants to have sex. Everyone.
Solution: The disguise? Not that clever. Separate yourself from the post-divorce vanity gangbangs, and write a story about non-human creatures, like dragons. And don't let anyone have sex with the dragons, okay?
6. Only By Committee Writing: A more virulent version of Death by Critique, which renders you incapable of making a story decision without first consulting your writer friends, your blog visitors, your online crit group, your Facebook friends, etc.
Solution: Disbanding committee writing is tough, but one way you can start is by unplugging from and staying off the internet while you're writing.
7. Perfect Muse Alignment: You can write only when your muse, whom you are convinced is the reincarnated essence/second coming/parallel universe projection of some long dead writer (usually Austen, Kafka, or Lovecraft), inspires you to write, which means you write for about fifteen minutes a month between crystal energy workshops, chakra conferences and past life readings.
Solution: Write a book about your muse. Seriously. Bet s/he'll show up more often.
8. Plotty Pants: You alternate between thinking of yourself as a plotter or a pantser (or both) which prevents you from developing a routine, working out your writing process or getting anything finished.
Solution: Pick one, and be that writer for a month. Then switch and write the other way for a month. Whichever one produces the best work, be that writer.
9. Workshopathetic: You are happy with your work until you attend the monthly writing workshop given by [insert writer organization], during which you realize all you've produced is badly-written crap that must be edited to death according to workshop presenter's opinions.
Solution: You are too easily influenced by the opinions of others who don't know you and have nothing to do with your writing. Stop going to the damn workshops and get on with it.
10. Zone Deprived: You only want to write when you are "in the zone" but you can't figure out how to get there, or how to stay there once you are.
Solution: Pretend you're in the zone. Nine times out of ten, working like you are will help you finish the story. We won't tell anyone you were faking.
(with possible solution suggestions)
1. Death by Critique: Your first chapter must be thoroughly critiqued by your best writer friend, your crit group, your mom and her friends, and anyone else you can think of who speaks English and isn't dyslexic; this so you can keep improving the same chapter over and over until you get sick of it and start writing the first chapter of your next story idea; lather, rinse, repeat for the rest of your life.
Solution: finish writing the story before you show it to anyone, even Mom.
2. Excuses, Excuses: You have more than ten valid reasons as to why you're not writing that you can recite on demand.
Solution: Oh, sweetie, we all do (I have at least twenty. Really good ones, too.) So you've got two options: 1) shut up, sit your ass down, and write, or 2) stop calling yourself a writer.
3. Heart Bookworms: You have been working on one vitally, important-to-you story that is all you can think about, may be your greatest accomplishment, and will take at least another year or two to finish.
Solution: Sadly there is no cure for Book of Your Heart disease, but to prevent your obsession from eating your brain, you can devote one day a week to writing something else -- anything else -- purely for fun.
4. Lit Churra, Sure: You are crafting a fiction experience that already you know very few people other than your Lit professor and that weird girl in the third row of your Advanced Eng Lit 3 class who never plucks her eyebrows can even begin to comprehend.
Solution: Write for your own pleasure, not profit. You'll be much happier. Trust me on this.
5. Me, Myself and My Ex: Every story you write is revenge for your break-up or divorce, cleverly disguised as fiction that features a protagonist who looks exactly like you, and with whom everyone in the book wants to have sex. Everyone.
Solution: The disguise? Not that clever. Separate yourself from the post-divorce vanity gangbangs, and write a story about non-human creatures, like dragons. And don't let anyone have sex with the dragons, okay?
6. Only By Committee Writing: A more virulent version of Death by Critique, which renders you incapable of making a story decision without first consulting your writer friends, your blog visitors, your online crit group, your Facebook friends, etc.
Solution: Disbanding committee writing is tough, but one way you can start is by unplugging from and staying off the internet while you're writing.
7. Perfect Muse Alignment: You can write only when your muse, whom you are convinced is the reincarnated essence/second coming/parallel universe projection of some long dead writer (usually Austen, Kafka, or Lovecraft), inspires you to write, which means you write for about fifteen minutes a month between crystal energy workshops, chakra conferences and past life readings.
Solution: Write a book about your muse. Seriously. Bet s/he'll show up more often.
8. Plotty Pants: You alternate between thinking of yourself as a plotter or a pantser (or both) which prevents you from developing a routine, working out your writing process or getting anything finished.
Solution: Pick one, and be that writer for a month. Then switch and write the other way for a month. Whichever one produces the best work, be that writer.
9. Workshopathetic: You are happy with your work until you attend the monthly writing workshop given by [insert writer organization], during which you realize all you've produced is badly-written crap that must be edited to death according to workshop presenter's opinions.
Solution: You are too easily influenced by the opinions of others who don't know you and have nothing to do with your writing. Stop going to the damn workshops and get on with it.
10. Zone Deprived: You only want to write when you are "in the zone" but you can't figure out how to get there, or how to stay there once you are.
Solution: Pretend you're in the zone. Nine times out of ten, working like you are will help you finish the story. We won't tell anyone you were faking.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Nom Nom Nom Ten
Ten Things I Hate About Your Writing Pseudonym
By Suggestion: As with writing by committee, allowing your editor or agent to pick out your pseudonym is probably a bad idea. Unless you want to be called L.E. James, of course.
CopyCat: Naming yourself after a character is never a good move. Esepcially one of your own characters. Editors are going to make you their favorite cocktail party joke.
Doctor Doctor: That hip nickname you've given yourself to sound tougher or avoid gender recognition? Is the medical term for wart.
E-Name: Using the brand name of a popular e-reader as your first or last name doesn't look clever. It looks goofy, which makes me think you write like that, too (and if it's trademarked, probably not a financially wise idea, either.)
Miss Pell: If reading your name out loud results in a pun, a political statement or any other nonsense, I'm not going to buy your book. I might name an idiot in one of my books after you, though.
NickNabbed: If you steal a great family name from someone, chances are they're eventually going to find out. Like your Aunt Martha, the Catholic nun, who isn't aware you're writing erotica under her name, and just got an e-mail from Smut Tales asking for an author interview for their all-strap-on weekend.
One & Only: You know how people say that using only one name instead of the standard two is snotty and pretentious? They're absolutely right.
Porno-no: Don't come up with your pen name by playing the porn star name game. Really, the porn stars hate it when you do that, and they've asked me to tell you to stop.
Pranking Yourself: Never take the last name Hunt or Hunter and pair it with a first name that ends with a hard C consonant. If you don't understand why, say the entire name very fast and you will. And please, don't name a series like that and then trademark it (unless you want me to laugh myself into the hiccups every time I see your books.)
Uh-oh: That lovely pen name you put together from those pretty words you found in that cute foreign language book? Means Giant Ass Rabid Monkey in English.
By Suggestion: As with writing by committee, allowing your editor or agent to pick out your pseudonym is probably a bad idea. Unless you want to be called L.E. James, of course.
CopyCat: Naming yourself after a character is never a good move. Esepcially one of your own characters. Editors are going to make you their favorite cocktail party joke.
Doctor Doctor: That hip nickname you've given yourself to sound tougher or avoid gender recognition? Is the medical term for wart.
E-Name: Using the brand name of a popular e-reader as your first or last name doesn't look clever. It looks goofy, which makes me think you write like that, too (and if it's trademarked, probably not a financially wise idea, either.)
Miss Pell: If reading your name out loud results in a pun, a political statement or any other nonsense, I'm not going to buy your book. I might name an idiot in one of my books after you, though.
NickNabbed: If you steal a great family name from someone, chances are they're eventually going to find out. Like your Aunt Martha, the Catholic nun, who isn't aware you're writing erotica under her name, and just got an e-mail from Smut Tales asking for an author interview for their all-strap-on weekend.
One & Only: You know how people say that using only one name instead of the standard two is snotty and pretentious? They're absolutely right.
Porno-no: Don't come up with your pen name by playing the porn star name game. Really, the porn stars hate it when you do that, and they've asked me to tell you to stop.
Pranking Yourself: Never take the last name Hunt or Hunter and pair it with a first name that ends with a hard C consonant. If you don't understand why, say the entire name very fast and you will. And please, don't name a series like that and then trademark it (unless you want me to laugh myself into the hiccups every time I see your books.)
Uh-oh: That lovely pen name you put together from those pretty words you found in that cute foreign language book? Means Giant Ass Rabid Monkey in English.
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Pic Ten
Ten Things I Saw on My Birthday
(Because you can never bore people enough with your one-day vacation photos)
(Because you can never bore people enough with your one-day vacation photos)
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Sign Me Up
Ten Holidays Writers Would Like to Celebrate
Butt in Chair Week (January 2-9): To help all writers get a decent start on all those writing resolutions they made on January 1st which they will either ignore, forget about or declare impossible by January 10th.
Hatchet Job Recovery Day (Anytime): Must be celebrated with the writer's favorite consolation activity, food or beverage as well as a very large box of tissues.
Income Tax Weepfest (April 16th): Save some of those tissues for this 24-hour period of hysterics over all those lost receipts, being unable to claim Hagan-Daaz as a deduction, having to pay twice the FICA for being self-employed, etc.
Leave Me Alone I'm Writing! Month (November 1-30th): Because calling it National Novel Writing Month has not discouraged non-writers from interrupting us while we're creating our next work of breathtaking genius, maybe this will.
Love Scene Composition Day (February 15th): Got to do something with all that personal intensive research we did on February 14th, yes?
Not Going to Nationals Compassion Weekend (July): For our writer friends who are members of RWA but are unable to afford the thousands of dollars it costs to attend their National Conference, which we all know is a huge waste of time and will do nothing for their careers but can't convince them of the same.
Promo No-No Day (Anytime): A full day and night during which the writer does not have to advertise, hand out gratis copies, hold a giveaway, promote or even mention the latest release. Not even during a casual conversation on Twitter that offers the sparkling opportunity to regale all fifteen of one's followers with purchase-enticing snippets.
Snickerfest (April 1st): The day we all get together and laugh over the latest piece of idiocy perpetuated by a colleague whose advances have outgrown their common sense. This year I vote we guffaw over any writer who claims their characters are making them write their books badly. Because, you know, characters do that so frequently.
Writer Love Day (Anytime): A day when everyone just shows us some love instead of the usual barrage of crap. Wouldn't that be nice?
Writer Prezzie E-card Month (December): For thirty-one days every member of families and friend circles will resist the urge to buy us fuzzy socks, cologne that smells like rotting mangos and the obligatory [Insert Writer Pun] T-shirt and instead present us with electronic gift cards from whatever bookseller we are currently not boycotting due to shady business practices, the ever-looming possibility of bankruptcy, or who refuse to remove that two-star review with all the damn spoilers on our last novel even when we can prove it was that envious ass ex-critique partner who wrote it.
Butt in Chair Week (January 2-9): To help all writers get a decent start on all those writing resolutions they made on January 1st which they will either ignore, forget about or declare impossible by January 10th.
Hatchet Job Recovery Day (Anytime): Must be celebrated with the writer's favorite consolation activity, food or beverage as well as a very large box of tissues.
Income Tax Weepfest (April 16th): Save some of those tissues for this 24-hour period of hysterics over all those lost receipts, being unable to claim Hagan-Daaz as a deduction, having to pay twice the FICA for being self-employed, etc.
Leave Me Alone I'm Writing! Month (November 1-30th): Because calling it National Novel Writing Month has not discouraged non-writers from interrupting us while we're creating our next work of breathtaking genius, maybe this will.
Love Scene Composition Day (February 15th): Got to do something with all that personal intensive research we did on February 14th, yes?
Not Going to Nationals Compassion Weekend (July): For our writer friends who are members of RWA but are unable to afford the thousands of dollars it costs to attend their National Conference, which we all know is a huge waste of time and will do nothing for their careers but can't convince them of the same.
Promo No-No Day (Anytime): A full day and night during which the writer does not have to advertise, hand out gratis copies, hold a giveaway, promote or even mention the latest release. Not even during a casual conversation on Twitter that offers the sparkling opportunity to regale all fifteen of one's followers with purchase-enticing snippets.
Snickerfest (April 1st): The day we all get together and laugh over the latest piece of idiocy perpetuated by a colleague whose advances have outgrown their common sense. This year I vote we guffaw over any writer who claims their characters are making them write their books badly. Because, you know, characters do that so frequently.
Writer Love Day (Anytime): A day when everyone just shows us some love instead of the usual barrage of crap. Wouldn't that be nice?
Writer Prezzie E-card Month (December): For thirty-one days every member of families and friend circles will resist the urge to buy us fuzzy socks, cologne that smells like rotting mangos and the obligatory [Insert Writer Pun] T-shirt and instead present us with electronic gift cards from whatever bookseller we are currently not boycotting due to shady business practices, the ever-looming possibility of bankruptcy, or who refuse to remove that two-star review with all the damn spoilers on our last novel even when we can prove it was that envious ass ex-critique partner who wrote it.
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
WFH No-Nos
Ten Things You Should Probably Avoid Putting in Your Ad for a Ghost Writer
(all quotations found in actual Craigslist writing job ads)
"I will pay you in money and other valuable considerations."
Just to be upfront about it, I'm not taking any more chickens in trade.
"Most writers can average $30-45 per hour."
What if I'm above average? Will you pay me $100?
"This is a pay per job position and you can do it from home or you can come sit on my coiuch with your laptop, doesn't matter to me, as long as the work gets done and done right."
Right as in . . . spelling the word couch, for example?
"You really have to get it done pretty quickly, because otherwise it's too expensive."
You really have to wait until you can actually afford to hire me.
"Have a passion for booze in all forms?"
No, but I think I'm developing a migraine. Got an aspirin?
"If you are interested and you think you can write good enough books to hang with the big boys you can email me or text me."
Good enough books, okay. Um, give me a minute to stop laughing and then I'll text. I promise, big boy.
"The more views your articles get, the more you get paid."
Let me reinterpret this one: The more views your articles get, the more we get paid -- not that we'll ever tell you how much that is, btw. You, we might toss a couple extra pennies. Maybe. If we're feeling generous that day.
"While the pay for each task may vary, the goal is to pay approximately $12 per hour for work completed."
And if you don't, can I have David Beckham kick a soccer ball into your groin?
"We're looking for ambassadors . . . "
Try the U.N., pal.
"Please do not send a resume, I would rather see an image of you."
Make that two aspirin.
(all quotations found in actual Craigslist writing job ads)
"I will pay you in money and other valuable considerations."
Just to be upfront about it, I'm not taking any more chickens in trade.
"Most writers can average $30-45 per hour."
What if I'm above average? Will you pay me $100?
"This is a pay per job position and you can do it from home or you can come sit on my coiuch with your laptop, doesn't matter to me, as long as the work gets done and done right."
Right as in . . . spelling the word couch, for example?
"You really have to get it done pretty quickly, because otherwise it's too expensive."
You really have to wait until you can actually afford to hire me.
"Have a passion for booze in all forms?"
No, but I think I'm developing a migraine. Got an aspirin?
"If you are interested and you think you can write good enough books to hang with the big boys you can email me or text me."
Good enough books, okay. Um, give me a minute to stop laughing and then I'll text. I promise, big boy.
"The more views your articles get, the more you get paid."
Let me reinterpret this one: The more views your articles get, the more we get paid -- not that we'll ever tell you how much that is, btw. You, we might toss a couple extra pennies. Maybe. If we're feeling generous that day.
"While the pay for each task may vary, the goal is to pay approximately $12 per hour for work completed."
And if you don't, can I have David Beckham kick a soccer ball into your groin?
"We're looking for ambassadors . . . "
Try the U.N., pal.
"Please do not send a resume, I would rather see an image of you."
Make that two aspirin.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Not So Smart
I don't own a Smart Phone*, so I tend to notice how people who do sometimes behave. I'd like to share my observations, too, so here are
Ten Dumb Things About Smart Phone Addicts
Conversation Monkeys: When I try to talk to any of you smart phone addicts lately, you listen for only about half a sentence before you start talking about your phone, then check your phone, and then begin texting someone. While you do this last part you mutter "sorry" to me four or five times until you're ready to listen to another half a sentence, and then the whole process repeats until I walk away, which you don't notice for at least ten more minutes. Then you get mad at me for being rude.
Date Voiders: This is something I see almost every time my guy and I go out for a meal: a nice young couple who should be totally involved in each other, yet who never say a word to each other because they're both on their phones the entire time they're in the restaurant -- even while they're eating. So romantic!
Find Mining: Why must we watch you unload your purse every single time you need to answer or use your smart phone? This would be the purse with the empty zippered phone pocket on the outside, btw. Ever consider actually putting your phone in the phone pocket? It's a radical idea, I know, but it might help.
Grocery Store Gamers: One of the great joys of having grown up kids is that I don't have to listen to that stupid video game music anymore. Until you get behind me in a long line at the market and start playing [insert name of smart phone game app] and then alternately yay or curse it while you play. This is especially attractive when you're doing it one-handed while dragging a wailing toddler along with you. P.S., the next time you shove your cart into my back because you're so wrapped up in your phone you don't look before you push? I'm handing your toddler a king-size energy bar.
Lookee! Or Not: Probably a dozen times last week someone tried to show me something on their smart phone which wouldn't load or they couldn't find. At which point they have to explain what I'm missing, but it's been so long since they've actually spoken to anyone they can't remember half the words they need to use. Totally unriveting.
Low Battery Bitching: Once you realize your smart phone battery needs charging, and you're somewhere where you are unable to do this, you have to whine to me every five minutes as to what percentage of power is left. While you're still using the smart phone. And when it finally dies you spend the next twenty minutes bitching about how lousy your battery is while you begin to twitch and fidget uncontrollably (which is the part I really like to watch. Can you get the Lookee! addicts to do that?)
Phony Drivers: I don't drive anymore at night because you people who have to be on your smart phone while you're behind the wheel do. I know, it's incredibly selfish of me to refuse to die just because updating your Facebook status made you run a red light, but there you go.
Plug Slugs: Once a week I find a charging cord hanging from one of my outlets where it was left after someone who is not my relative charged their smart phone. I used to try to find out who they belonged to; now I add them to what has quickly become an extensive personal collection. And do you know there's a guy at the flea market who pays five bucks a piece for them?
Selfieshing: While at any event I inevitably have to wait five or ten minutes while you people ahead of me take sixty selfies, which you immediately have to show to all the people who are already there with you and watched the whole thing in person, you idiot.
Text Gagged: This always makes me laugh, actually -- the growing number of smart phone addicts who refuse to make phone calls anymore and will only communicate by text. When you ask them why they say "It's easier" (if they still remember how to talk.)
*I do have one of those disposable drug dealer-type phones for road emergencies; it sits in my purse turned off until I get a flat or break down or someone needs to borrow it. Aka a dumb phone. It only makes phone calls. This horrifies everyone who borrows it, btw.
Ten Dumb Things About Smart Phone Addicts
Conversation Monkeys: When I try to talk to any of you smart phone addicts lately, you listen for only about half a sentence before you start talking about your phone, then check your phone, and then begin texting someone. While you do this last part you mutter "sorry" to me four or five times until you're ready to listen to another half a sentence, and then the whole process repeats until I walk away, which you don't notice for at least ten more minutes. Then you get mad at me for being rude.
Date Voiders: This is something I see almost every time my guy and I go out for a meal: a nice young couple who should be totally involved in each other, yet who never say a word to each other because they're both on their phones the entire time they're in the restaurant -- even while they're eating. So romantic!
Find Mining: Why must we watch you unload your purse every single time you need to answer or use your smart phone? This would be the purse with the empty zippered phone pocket on the outside, btw. Ever consider actually putting your phone in the phone pocket? It's a radical idea, I know, but it might help.
Grocery Store Gamers: One of the great joys of having grown up kids is that I don't have to listen to that stupid video game music anymore. Until you get behind me in a long line at the market and start playing [insert name of smart phone game app] and then alternately yay or curse it while you play. This is especially attractive when you're doing it one-handed while dragging a wailing toddler along with you. P.S., the next time you shove your cart into my back because you're so wrapped up in your phone you don't look before you push? I'm handing your toddler a king-size energy bar.
Lookee! Or Not: Probably a dozen times last week someone tried to show me something on their smart phone which wouldn't load or they couldn't find. At which point they have to explain what I'm missing, but it's been so long since they've actually spoken to anyone they can't remember half the words they need to use. Totally unriveting.
Low Battery Bitching: Once you realize your smart phone battery needs charging, and you're somewhere where you are unable to do this, you have to whine to me every five minutes as to what percentage of power is left. While you're still using the smart phone. And when it finally dies you spend the next twenty minutes bitching about how lousy your battery is while you begin to twitch and fidget uncontrollably (which is the part I really like to watch. Can you get the Lookee! addicts to do that?)
Phony Drivers: I don't drive anymore at night because you people who have to be on your smart phone while you're behind the wheel do. I know, it's incredibly selfish of me to refuse to die just because updating your Facebook status made you run a red light, but there you go.
Plug Slugs: Once a week I find a charging cord hanging from one of my outlets where it was left after someone who is not my relative charged their smart phone. I used to try to find out who they belonged to; now I add them to what has quickly become an extensive personal collection. And do you know there's a guy at the flea market who pays five bucks a piece for them?
Selfieshing: While at any event I inevitably have to wait five or ten minutes while you people ahead of me take sixty selfies, which you immediately have to show to all the people who are already there with you and watched the whole thing in person, you idiot.
Text Gagged: This always makes me laugh, actually -- the growing number of smart phone addicts who refuse to make phone calls anymore and will only communicate by text. When you ask them why they say "It's easier" (if they still remember how to talk.)
*I do have one of those disposable drug dealer-type phones for road emergencies; it sits in my purse turned off until I get a flat or break down or someone needs to borrow it. Aka a dumb phone. It only makes phone calls. This horrifies everyone who borrows it, btw.
Saturday, January 03, 2015
Ban It Ten
I was reading this year's list of words banned by Lake Superior State College, evidently an annual tradition of theirs for the last 40 years. Some I agree with (the phrase polar vortex has worn out its welcome) while others I've never heard (there are people who actually say bae or cra-cra out loud in front of others? Not in my circle) but the rest seem puzzling. Foodie has been around for at least a decade, and hack probably twice that long, and yet this is the first time I've heard them demonized. Maybe we get tired of some words after years of having them hurled at us.
I do keep my own running list of letters, symbols, words and phrases that annoy the hell out of me -- doesn't every writer? -- so I decided to put together:
Ten Words I'd like to See Banned Forever
# (or hashtag): A roping buzzy symbol first used to herd the comments of Twitter users under a common header to optimize searches for people who are forever Googling themselves, their friends or their causes. Now being perpetually used as a form of promotion by everyone for everything; even used car salesmen employ it in their irritating commercials. Since I'm not on Twitter or a fan of group-think I see it and think line break, which is what it means to a pro writer. I doubt we can get rid of it now, so I'll just be glad they didn't hijack the ampersand.
Amazeballs: The newest morphword that means amazing. Aka the sort of thing you chuckle when you hear a four-year-old saying it. Coming out of the mouth of a full-grown adult? Not so much.
Booty: As a euphemism for ass, backside, bottom, buttocks etc. The trend now is the bigger the better, which makes me happy for some of my friends who are well-endowed in that department, but the word itself? Still means pirate treasure to me. I guess I'll never get the hang of thinking of a lady's sit-upon when I hear it; sorry.
Conscious Uncoupling: Popularized by Gwyneth Paltrow, who apparently can't deal with uttering the words separated or divorced; sounds like what happens when you take too many Valium. Maybe that was the problem? Anyway, I'm adding it as an example to my collection of pretentious twaddle.
Deck: Not a group of cards, but the latest incarnation of cool. Why? Search me.
Fleek: I think this weirdo word is the latest euphemism for attractive (my hipster daughter explained this to me like three times and I still don't get it.) It sounds so unattractive I automatically think the opposite (but I did with phat when that became a gnarly way to say pretty or cool. I think.)
HEA: I've never liked this romance writer shorthand for happily ever after; my mind always reads it as that sneery laugh sound word HEH. So many readers cling to it with white knuckled hands it may not be possible to do away with it altogether; maybe we could substitute SEA for it? (I'll leave you to guess what the S stands for. Hint: rhymes with happily.)
Plus One: The current popular substitute for the word date, or the person who accompanies you when you go out. As terms go this one is such an emotional voided black hole I can hear it sucking the life out of a conversation anytime it's used.
Totes: This came into use apparently when the word total proved too exhausting to utter. Whenever someone says it to me I auto-correct-think it to "tote bag" and start nattering on about my latest.
u: always in small case, used as a short form of the word you. I understand why people use it on Twitter -- that 140 character limit turns everyone into an acronymist -- but I see it employed all the time in e-mails, comments and other places around the internet where there's plenty of room to write. If you're so lazy you have to shorten a three-letter word, please don't talk to me.
What are some words you'd like to see banned? Let us know in comments.
I do keep my own running list of letters, symbols, words and phrases that annoy the hell out of me -- doesn't every writer? -- so I decided to put together:
Ten Words I'd like to See Banned Forever
# (or hashtag): A roping buzzy symbol first used to herd the comments of Twitter users under a common header to optimize searches for people who are forever Googling themselves, their friends or their causes. Now being perpetually used as a form of promotion by everyone for everything; even used car salesmen employ it in their irritating commercials. Since I'm not on Twitter or a fan of group-think I see it and think line break, which is what it means to a pro writer. I doubt we can get rid of it now, so I'll just be glad they didn't hijack the ampersand.
Amazeballs: The newest morphword that means amazing. Aka the sort of thing you chuckle when you hear a four-year-old saying it. Coming out of the mouth of a full-grown adult? Not so much.
Booty: As a euphemism for ass, backside, bottom, buttocks etc. The trend now is the bigger the better, which makes me happy for some of my friends who are well-endowed in that department, but the word itself? Still means pirate treasure to me. I guess I'll never get the hang of thinking of a lady's sit-upon when I hear it; sorry.
Conscious Uncoupling: Popularized by Gwyneth Paltrow, who apparently can't deal with uttering the words separated or divorced; sounds like what happens when you take too many Valium. Maybe that was the problem? Anyway, I'm adding it as an example to my collection of pretentious twaddle.
Deck: Not a group of cards, but the latest incarnation of cool. Why? Search me.
Fleek: I think this weirdo word is the latest euphemism for attractive (my hipster daughter explained this to me like three times and I still don't get it.) It sounds so unattractive I automatically think the opposite (but I did with phat when that became a gnarly way to say pretty or cool. I think.)
HEA: I've never liked this romance writer shorthand for happily ever after; my mind always reads it as that sneery laugh sound word HEH. So many readers cling to it with white knuckled hands it may not be possible to do away with it altogether; maybe we could substitute SEA for it? (I'll leave you to guess what the S stands for. Hint: rhymes with happily.)
Plus One: The current popular substitute for the word date, or the person who accompanies you when you go out. As terms go this one is such an emotional voided black hole I can hear it sucking the life out of a conversation anytime it's used.
Totes: This came into use apparently when the word total proved too exhausting to utter. Whenever someone says it to me I auto-correct-think it to "tote bag" and start nattering on about my latest.
u: always in small case, used as a short form of the word you. I understand why people use it on Twitter -- that 140 character limit turns everyone into an acronymist -- but I see it employed all the time in e-mails, comments and other places around the internet where there's plenty of room to write. If you're so lazy you have to shorten a three-letter word, please don't talk to me.
What are some words you'd like to see banned? Let us know in comments.
Monday, December 29, 2014
The Final Monday Ten
After ten years of writing lists of ten things practically every week, I've decided to wrap up the Monday ten things feature and do something else in 2015. I'm sure I'll still write ten lists, but from here on out they'll pop up at random versus every Monday.
Since this will be the last of the feature lists, I've put together:
Ten Things About PBW's Ten Things Lists
How Many? According to Blogger and my tags I've written 460 ten lists in ten years. Or, counting this one, 461.
More Than Words: Not all the ten lists were made of words and links; here's one I made with an airshow photo slideshow.
Most Popular: The most-viewed ten things list is 2006's Ten Things About Web Site Design and Management.
Most Surprising: Probably my Back Again ten list when I finally told everyone about the eye issues.
Most Unpopular: Oddly enough the prize for the list that generated the largest number of angry e-mails goes to Ten Things I Hate About Your WorldBuilding; in particular the cracks I made about royal ladies and bathrooms in stories, which I have been repeatedly told were unforgiveable (and for this reason I have not apologized to all the fantasy writers and fans who consider the inbred and the restroom as sacred and untouchable topics; you guys are never going to forgive me anyway.)
Most Unusual: If I had to pick I'd say probably 2010's Ten Things I've Never Told Anyone About StarDoc, as I hardly ever divulge that sort of behind-the-scenes stuff.
My Favs: I try not to play favorites, but I've always thought Ten Things I've Resolved to Do and Ten Signs that You May Be Writing a Literary McNovel were my funniest lists.
My Other Fav: My ten things slideshow from my trip to Savannah is my favorite picture list, probably because it was the first time I was able to show my guy the one city in America I most adore.
Premiere: The first Monday Ten list appeared on PBW waaaaaaay back on November 8th, 2004.
Recorded, Not Written While recovering from my first eye surgery I was basically blind for a couple of weeks, so I dictated Ten Things About How to Pronounce Those Odd Names & Words I Write into a recorder and my friend Jilly typed it up for me.
Since this will be the last of the feature lists, I've put together:
Ten Things About PBW's Ten Things Lists
How Many? According to Blogger and my tags I've written 460 ten lists in ten years. Or, counting this one, 461.
More Than Words: Not all the ten lists were made of words and links; here's one I made with an airshow photo slideshow.
Most Popular: The most-viewed ten things list is 2006's Ten Things About Web Site Design and Management.
Most Surprising: Probably my Back Again ten list when I finally told everyone about the eye issues.
Most Unpopular: Oddly enough the prize for the list that generated the largest number of angry e-mails goes to Ten Things I Hate About Your WorldBuilding; in particular the cracks I made about royal ladies and bathrooms in stories, which I have been repeatedly told were unforgiveable (and for this reason I have not apologized to all the fantasy writers and fans who consider the inbred and the restroom as sacred and untouchable topics; you guys are never going to forgive me anyway.)
Most Unusual: If I had to pick I'd say probably 2010's Ten Things I've Never Told Anyone About StarDoc, as I hardly ever divulge that sort of behind-the-scenes stuff.
My Favs: I try not to play favorites, but I've always thought Ten Things I've Resolved to Do and Ten Signs that You May Be Writing a Literary McNovel were my funniest lists.
My Other Fav: My ten things slideshow from my trip to Savannah is my favorite picture list, probably because it was the first time I was able to show my guy the one city in America I most adore.
Premiere: The first Monday Ten list appeared on PBW waaaaaaay back on November 8th, 2004.
Recorded, Not Written While recovering from my first eye surgery I was basically blind for a couple of weeks, so I dictated Ten Things About How to Pronounce Those Odd Names & Words I Write into a recorder and my friend Jilly typed it up for me.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Off to Make Merry
I'm unplugging today to visit friends and family. So your visit is not a complete waste of time, here's a slideshow of some lovely felines I met while making my Christmas donation visit to a no-kill cat shelter:
Also, one more link for you, if you're feeling brave -- Anne Frasier posted a very scary Christmas story on her blog that will make you much nicer on the phone the next time you answer a telemarketer's call.
Also, one more link for you, if you're feeling brave -- Anne Frasier posted a very scary Christmas story on her blog that will make you much nicer on the phone the next time you answer a telemarketer's call.
Monday, December 22, 2014
My Holiday Ten
Ten Things I'm Doing for the Holidays
Baking Every Day: I may be only an average cook but to be conceited for a moment, man, can I bake. I kick off the holiday baking season by making my guy a real German chocolate cake for his birthday, and then I get into experimenting with breads, sweet rolls, cookies and other treats. I always discover new keeper recipes this way, like making apple strudel with puff pastry. The nice bonus of baking during the holidays is the heat from the oven keeps the kitchen warm, and your house always smells wonderful.
Giving Something Back: 'Tis the season to be generous, and to do my part I'm making an effort to volunteer, donate food and hand out books. If you receive a food gift this year that doesn't fit into your holiday menu plans check with your local food bank, homeless shelter or foster care program to see if they can use it for their clients.
Handmaking Gifts: Since my surgeries created some financial challenges for us I'm handmaking most of my gifts this year. I often make lap quilts (you can download a bunch of free quilting e-books from McCall's Quilting by signing up for their newsletter here), food gifts or crochet a warm scarf or hat.
Including Others: In keeping with my parents' tradition of always having an extra place at the table, we're inviting people to share meals and good times with us during the holidays. These are usually people who live alone, who don't have the means to do it on their own, or who would otherwise have nowhere to go.
Listening to Christmas Music: Over the years I've acquired a great collection of Christmas music, and every day in December I load up the CDs in the stereo and let them play; The Nutcracker Suite is my favorite holiday mood booster.
Making Books: I burn through a lot of journals during the year, so whenever I have some spare time I've been making new blank journals for 2015. One interesting article I saw recently shows you how to easily make a custom journal from a composition book (which you can buy at most dollar stores.) This is also a nifty idea for gift-making.
Recycling Christmas Cards: Almost any used Christmas card can be turned into a postcard by clipping it in half and writing on the back of the cover image. Small cards make great gift tags, too. Martha Stewart has nine more ways to recycle your holiday cards here.
Remembering Dad: My Dad may be gone but he will never be forgotten; there is one thing I do every holiday that is just between him and me, to let him know he's still here in my heart. This sort of habit helps with the sadness, too.
Show Your Appreciation: There are people in your life who provide you with regular if not daily service, and the holidays are a great opportunity to say thank you to them. Living out in the country makes us a bit inconvenient for deliveries, for example, so every year I show my appreciation for our wonderful rural postal carrier with a gift card to our local grocery store (a great one-size-fits-all gift, too, as no matter what holiday anyone celebrates, they always need to eat.)
Writing Real Letters: E-mail and texting may be convenient, but nothing beats receiving a handwritten letter in the mail, so I'm setting aside time every day to write a real letter to someone on my Nice list.
Baking Every Day: I may be only an average cook but to be conceited for a moment, man, can I bake. I kick off the holiday baking season by making my guy a real German chocolate cake for his birthday, and then I get into experimenting with breads, sweet rolls, cookies and other treats. I always discover new keeper recipes this way, like making apple strudel with puff pastry. The nice bonus of baking during the holidays is the heat from the oven keeps the kitchen warm, and your house always smells wonderful.
Giving Something Back: 'Tis the season to be generous, and to do my part I'm making an effort to volunteer, donate food and hand out books. If you receive a food gift this year that doesn't fit into your holiday menu plans check with your local food bank, homeless shelter or foster care program to see if they can use it for their clients.
Handmaking Gifts: Since my surgeries created some financial challenges for us I'm handmaking most of my gifts this year. I often make lap quilts (you can download a bunch of free quilting e-books from McCall's Quilting by signing up for their newsletter here), food gifts or crochet a warm scarf or hat.
Including Others: In keeping with my parents' tradition of always having an extra place at the table, we're inviting people to share meals and good times with us during the holidays. These are usually people who live alone, who don't have the means to do it on their own, or who would otherwise have nowhere to go.
Listening to Christmas Music: Over the years I've acquired a great collection of Christmas music, and every day in December I load up the CDs in the stereo and let them play; The Nutcracker Suite is my favorite holiday mood booster.
Making Books: I burn through a lot of journals during the year, so whenever I have some spare time I've been making new blank journals for 2015. One interesting article I saw recently shows you how to easily make a custom journal from a composition book (which you can buy at most dollar stores.) This is also a nifty idea for gift-making.
Recycling Christmas Cards: Almost any used Christmas card can be turned into a postcard by clipping it in half and writing on the back of the cover image. Small cards make great gift tags, too. Martha Stewart has nine more ways to recycle your holiday cards here.
Remembering Dad: My Dad may be gone but he will never be forgotten; there is one thing I do every holiday that is just between him and me, to let him know he's still here in my heart. This sort of habit helps with the sadness, too.
Show Your Appreciation: There are people in your life who provide you with regular if not daily service, and the holidays are a great opportunity to say thank you to them. Living out in the country makes us a bit inconvenient for deliveries, for example, so every year I show my appreciation for our wonderful rural postal carrier with a gift card to our local grocery store (a great one-size-fits-all gift, too, as no matter what holiday anyone celebrates, they always need to eat.)
Writing Real Letters: E-mail and texting may be convenient, but nothing beats receiving a handwritten letter in the mail, so I'm setting aside time every day to write a real letter to someone on my Nice list.
Monday, December 15, 2014
HoHoHum Ten
Ten Things I Hate About Your Holiday Story
24/7 Bliss: The arrival of the holidays has mysteriously transformed your entire crew of non-religious, deeply-flawed, potentially interesting characters into a quasi-Borg Hive of Happy People Who Must Do Charitable Things and Make Deep Personal Sacrifices to Surprise That Character They Couldn't Stand Before Thanksgiving. They also seem to infect everyone they meet with this Be of good cheer or you will be assimilated nonense, too.
Behaving Perfectly Pets: Dogs, cats and other pets in your holiday story seem to spend all their time cuddling small grabby children, fetching wrapped presents and looking adorable as they pose by the decorated Christmas tree, instead of what they'd really be doing, like biting those children, gnawing or peeing on those presents, and trying to climb up or knock down the damn tree.
Chesty Chop: I know your male protag has an awesome-looking chest, and you like to show it off every ten pages, but sending him out shirtless in subzero weather to chop firewood just so his lady love can sigh over his pecs from the window? Really?
Death Takes an Extended Holiday: Doomed characters never expire on Christmas Day -- in fact, no matter what shape they're in, no one does. Anyone destined to buy the farm does it at least a month before or the day after. In the case of the Dec. 26th RIP, they must of course have an utterly magical Christmas that they declare was the best of their life right before they drop dead.
Give Me a Break: Everyone receives marvelous/wonderful/awesome gifts in Holiday Story Land. There is never anything silly or weird or cheap or inappropriate. All the gift clothes, shoes and engagement rings fit perfectly, too.
Santa to the Rescue: No matter if they're bell-ringer Santas or mall Santas or Uncle Herb dressed up as Santa, the Mr. Claus in your story will without fail provide some invaluable assistance or a wondrous revelation for your characters that a) eradicates the black moment; b) permits star-crossed lovers to uncross their stars or c) saves someone or something from imminent bankruptcy.
Snow No-No #1: Despite the fact that it's been snowing steadily in your story for the past three weeks, no character ever has to cancel travel plans, consider the possibility of road closures or even shovel their way out to the car -- which mysteriously always starts no matter how long it's been sitting out there, and is never buried under what should logically by now be a seventeen-foot drift.
Snow No-No #2: Your characters have been snowbound alone together in an abandoned cabin long enough to have wild monkey sex on every available flat surface in place, and constantly cuddle in front of the fireplace that never stops burning, and profess their love while making snow angels out in the yard. This is wonderful, until you consider they're also exclusively living on the handful of granola bars the heroine conveniently found in her purse which, according to my calculations, even if nibbled slowly would have run out a week ago.
Snow No-No #3: Have you ever actually had sex in the snow? If not, then you should know that at zero degrees, no matter what they're doing, your half-naked characters will begin suffering from frostbite in about ten to fifteen minutes. Guess where? So some advice: speed it up.
Stocking Stupidity: Here's another thing in Christmas stories that makes me crazy: fabric stockings full of candy hung all night from a mantle over a roaring fireplace, yet somehow they never catch fire. And since all that heat generated by the roaring fire rises up over them, why aren't they filled with liquid chocolate in the morning?
What do you hate in holiday stories? Share your gripes in comments.
24/7 Bliss: The arrival of the holidays has mysteriously transformed your entire crew of non-religious, deeply-flawed, potentially interesting characters into a quasi-Borg Hive of Happy People Who Must Do Charitable Things and Make Deep Personal Sacrifices to Surprise That Character They Couldn't Stand Before Thanksgiving. They also seem to infect everyone they meet with this Be of good cheer or you will be assimilated nonense, too.
Behaving Perfectly Pets: Dogs, cats and other pets in your holiday story seem to spend all their time cuddling small grabby children, fetching wrapped presents and looking adorable as they pose by the decorated Christmas tree, instead of what they'd really be doing, like biting those children, gnawing or peeing on those presents, and trying to climb up or knock down the damn tree.
Chesty Chop: I know your male protag has an awesome-looking chest, and you like to show it off every ten pages, but sending him out shirtless in subzero weather to chop firewood just so his lady love can sigh over his pecs from the window? Really?
Death Takes an Extended Holiday: Doomed characters never expire on Christmas Day -- in fact, no matter what shape they're in, no one does. Anyone destined to buy the farm does it at least a month before or the day after. In the case of the Dec. 26th RIP, they must of course have an utterly magical Christmas that they declare was the best of their life right before they drop dead.
Give Me a Break: Everyone receives marvelous/wonderful/awesome gifts in Holiday Story Land. There is never anything silly or weird or cheap or inappropriate. All the gift clothes, shoes and engagement rings fit perfectly, too.
Santa to the Rescue: No matter if they're bell-ringer Santas or mall Santas or Uncle Herb dressed up as Santa, the Mr. Claus in your story will without fail provide some invaluable assistance or a wondrous revelation for your characters that a) eradicates the black moment; b) permits star-crossed lovers to uncross their stars or c) saves someone or something from imminent bankruptcy.
Snow No-No #1: Despite the fact that it's been snowing steadily in your story for the past three weeks, no character ever has to cancel travel plans, consider the possibility of road closures or even shovel their way out to the car -- which mysteriously always starts no matter how long it's been sitting out there, and is never buried under what should logically by now be a seventeen-foot drift.
Snow No-No #2: Your characters have been snowbound alone together in an abandoned cabin long enough to have wild monkey sex on every available flat surface in place, and constantly cuddle in front of the fireplace that never stops burning, and profess their love while making snow angels out in the yard. This is wonderful, until you consider they're also exclusively living on the handful of granola bars the heroine conveniently found in her purse which, according to my calculations, even if nibbled slowly would have run out a week ago.
Snow No-No #3: Have you ever actually had sex in the snow? If not, then you should know that at zero degrees, no matter what they're doing, your half-naked characters will begin suffering from frostbite in about ten to fifteen minutes. Guess where? So some advice: speed it up.
Stocking Stupidity: Here's another thing in Christmas stories that makes me crazy: fabric stockings full of candy hung all night from a mantle over a roaring fireplace, yet somehow they never catch fire. And since all that heat generated by the roaring fire rises up over them, why aren't they filled with liquid chocolate in the morning?
What do you hate in holiday stories? Share your gripes in comments.
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