Friday, April 01, 2005


Ten Things I'm Going to Do in the Next Year

1. I'm going to legally change my name to 200.59. It's the atomic weight of Mercury. Also, I'll get shelved before all the A authors.

2. I've applied to have my hair posthumously donated to the Smithsonian. This is sort of a moral responsibility, as it contains traces of every chemical coloring agent known to man. Just the hair; the rest of my remains will be auctioned on eBay. Insider advice: don't bid on the eyes, the hands, and the right leg.

3. I've decided to be artificially inseminated with semen from a Nobel-prize winning physicist who comes from a male-dominated gene pool, so that our son will grow up to infiltrate NASA. The rest of my plans for junior after he's inside naturally must remain confidential.

4. I'm getting a tattoo, Mom. On my head, so you can't carry out that lifelong threat to chop off whatever body part I get it on. Don't think you waving that machete scares me, either.

5. I've accepted a position as senior editor at a major publishing house. My first week will be spent mailing out advance and royalty checks. All. Of. Them.

6. I'm adopting another 19 year old college student from Sweden. He's Lars's cousin, Olaf. Physical therapy major.

7. I'm starting a new collection: plaster casts of the penises of homophobes. They should fit quite nicely in my thimble collection.

8. I'm going to write a how-to book for authors on providing responses to internet-based critics. Working title: "Bite Me."

9. I'm going to find the man who invented those vomit-flavored jelly beans and kill him. Yes, I know it's wrong, but he has to die.

10. I'm becoming a Mormon. They told me they're changing the rules and I can have twenty-five husbands. Do you think the Red Sox might find me attractive?

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