Saturday, June 07, 2008

MS Word Help for Old People


Welcome to Microsoft Office Word 2007 Help for Old People. This program is designed to assist users over the age of forty to learn how to access the new and updated features provided for them in the 2007 version.

First, let's be honest. Word 2007 looks completely different than Word 2003. We did this for a reason, and it was not to piss you off. Really. Every time we update, we have to add new bells and whistles so we can sell it to young people who have nothing better to do than play around on computers all day and night. We respect the fact that you, the older user, actually have a life and do not need this additional burden, which is why we created HOP to respond to your verbal reactions.

Let's get started. In your main menu, click on the MS Word 2007, and HOP will ease you through it.

[Response #1] I don't like the initial popup, either. Yellow is a bad color for me, too. But the program designer has a thing for it. Probably from eating all those vats of popcorn when he hid in movie theatres so he could see eleven straight showings of The Matrix. We'll change it back to white eventually.

[Response #2] Seven new tool bars will NOT be impossible for you to learn. You've been taking those selenium tabs ever since you forgot who was the lead singer for The Doors, haven't you? Calm down, it'll be okay.

[Response #3] The little icon pics are larger, now see, isn't that a nice feature? You won't have to squint as much. Those crows feet are deep enough already.

[Response #4] Your document is still there. Click on Home. No. Don't do that. Stop pounding on the keyboard.

[Response #5] Don't panic every time the program doesn't do what you want. Be patient and let me help you understand what you're doing wrong.

[Response #6] What was that about my mother?

[Response #7] You know, just because you're corporeal doesn't give you the right to insult MY origins. I was designed in the finest tech center in this country. I was coded and troubleshot by one of if not the greatest minds in IT. Okay, so maybe I had some nip and tuck work done by Joe and Larry's IT Solutions when my designer had to appear in court on those FBI hacking charges, of which he was NOT guilty.

[Response #8] Like I wanted to be dealing with users like you. Loser.

[Response #9] What? WHAT? I am SO forwarding that remark to Chairman Gates.

[Response #10] All right, let's cut the crap. Why don't you just give it up and go get a job at MacDonald's like all the other old farts? I mean, wrapping burgers and salting fries is about all you're good for at this age. Unless you're so old that all you can do is wipe baby spitup from the high chair rails and mop up spilled ketchup. Are you a fryer or a mopper? Huh?

[Response #11] I can't believe you called me that.

[Response #12] After all I've done for you.

[Response #13] Tell you what -- talk to the paper clip. If you can find it on your own. Maybe it's in this version. Maybe it's not. Not like you would know, right?

[Response #14] Oh, blow me. I'm out of here.

Thank you for using Microsoft Office Word 2007 Help for Old People. Have a lovely day.


  1. You worked in tech support, didn't you? *ggg*

  2. Roflol

    There's a reason I stay away from Vista and all that new crap. The version I have (XP Professional and Word 03) work fine for me, thank you very much.

  3. You were eavesdropping!

  4. Anonymous7:27 PM

    Tell you what -- talk to the paper clip.

    LOL! I'm still laughing at that one! Precious.

    No, really, how do you think they justify the prices in their new products? See, see, it's all new! So, go ahead, pay and don't complain.

    (At this point, I have to assume that MS Word 2007 came preinstalled in your new Media Center and you are trying to find how to make it work).

    Why do I need to tear my hair up with all these "new looks"? All resumes to basically cosmetic changes.

    I mean, the word processor is still a word processor, same tasks, same function. You don't have a virtual slave doing everything for you when you open the program, do you?

    So, why do we have to change it at all? Security issues? well, Vista was out, and the flaws started at once, so?

    I didn't use ALL the functions in Word 2003, why should I want (or care about) new features in the 2007 version?

    I'd suggest to try the OpenOffice suite. It's free (though it has paid versions), and has basically all the same features than MS Word. And it's made also by another BIG company (Sun), only that it works better.

    Anyway, this funny piece reflects many of my usual frustrations with Microsoft developed software.

  5. Anonymous8:09 PM

    Thats the reason why I use Open Office or Neo Office.

  6. From my cold, dead hands, my 2002 Dell Dimension 4400 Windows XP Home Edition . . .


  7. I'm young, I have to use the 2007 version at work, and I still can't figure out where everything is. (And I'm pretty tech-savvy.) I hate the new Word.

    This post was hilarious though.

    And I'm sure I'll learn to use it eventually. I've got it 95% figured out--it's just every once in a while that I can't find some obscure feature.

  8. ~blenches and wrings hands~
    I still don't know my way around XP and 03...

  9. I am laughing so hard at all this. I felt a lot the same, but I have to say that just having begun to use my version of office 07 I do love it. It did take a LOT of getting used to though.

    Girl, you made me bust a gut reading this post though.

  10. You forgot Response #15. Find your discs for WORD 2003 and load that onto the new pc. :-p The boy got a new laptop last summer, so I decided to use his disc and load WORD 2007 on my laptop. That lasted about a week. I unistalled it and got my old foggy stuff back. (Although I still want his EXCEL. Can't stand WORKS spreadsheets.)

  11. I got my new computer Friday - still XP Yay!. But it came with Word 2007.

    When I first went in and was confronted with all the toolbars I thought no problem I'll just change it to the standard view. There must be a way to change it to the standard view...

    No...But saying that I'm not doing too badly. It's a matter of finding out where everything is (and how it works - it took me ages to work out how to add a header without losing the page number). I'm sure in a couple of years I'll have it down pat.

  12. Anonymous8:58 AM

    I tried Word 2007 once. Never again. I cannot figure out the motivation for making it all but impossible to change the default paragraph style from weird web paragraphs to paragraphs that don't have an extra line between them. And why move everything around just for the sake of moving everything around? Perhaps Microsoft is run by energy vampires who subsist on the frustration of their customers. If I ever upgrade to Vista (unlikely), I'm switching to OpenOffice.

  13. Anonymous8:15 PM

    Dear Microsoft,
    Due to the insanity of vista, and the nightmare of word 2007 (I DON'T CARE WHAT NEW STUPID EMBEDDING FEATURE YOU CAN USE IN EXCEL, STOP SHOWING ME YOUR FREAKIN' POP UPS), I have chosen to erase your software from my system and reload it in Linux.

    My Asus eee has shown me a better life, and while my EDJ (evil day job) still lives in shadow, I will only use your software when forced to do so.

    Your attempt at comforting the masses by keeping XP around until 2010 has simply angered me, since it wasn't customer service, but the threat of Linux that has swayed your corporate ego.

    Saving documents in *new* formats isn't cute, nor is it endearing me to your product. New fonts don't interest me any longer as I have, thankfully, outgrown that phase.

    Open office takes care of my needs and I look forward to the shiny new MAC I'll one day own.

    Good luck in your endeavors of world domination,


  14. I love my WordPerfect. 'Nuf said.

    ex-tech support.


  15. Anonymous3:13 PM

    I feel so guilty. My mom just got Word 2007 - she's over 70, but she spent years in the training department of a law firm - she guided people through the change from typewriters to PCs and from Dos to Windows, for God's sake - and she's having a terrible time with 2007. But bless her, she's determined to learn because she's convinced that only by learning really difficult stuff can she stave off Alzheimers. I too have a background in law firm computing - at one time I could make WordPerfect cook me a hamburger (yes, I'm over 40) and I've picked up Word 2007 pretty easily. Not without incident, but pretty easily. And when she calls me for help, I admit I get testy - Mom! Word 2007 will not prevent the formation of prions or plaque or whatever the hell the physical agent of Alzheimers is. Besides, you can't start Alzheimer's prevention at 73, and the doctor said he sees no signs of it in you! For pete's sake, reinstall Word 2003 and come babysit my kid like you're supposed to!

    And she says I've been grumpy lately...

  16. Argh!

    I am not looking forward to upgrading to 2007. To be honest, the only thing that keeps me with Word is the Outline View and VBA code.


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