Wednesday, May 16, 2007

RW: Readerisms

Ten Things Readers Say, and What They Really Mean

1. A book store gift card would be the perfect gift for me.

I want a book store gift card. That's all. Nothing else. Got it? Or do I have to write it in Sharpie marker on your forehead again?

2. Books keep my mind occupied.

Books keep my spouse out of divorce court.

3. Excuse me, but I'm looking for Rosina Lippi's new release and it isn't on the shelf.

Grab that box cutter, pal, because you're going to be opening cartons until you find it.

4. I read because it relaxes me.

I read because if I have to sit through one more episode of RAW with you, my brain will implode.

5. Just because I read a little every day doesn't mean I'm addicted to books.

Man, I really need to score some Mary Higgins Clark. You holding?

6. My husband knows I enjoy well-written erotica.

My husband knows he's not getting a whole lot of sleep tonight.

7. Someone dog-eared all the pages in this book.

Call CSI. I want this dusted for prints.

8. There's nothing wrong with reading romance novels.

Sneer at my romance novels one more time, and I'll yank your tonsils out through your nose.

9. Why, yes, I do have quite a large book collection.

Hey, where do you think you are, the library? Step back behind the velvet rope.

10. You lost my book?

You lost my book? And you're not running for your life?

Now it's your turn -- in comments to this post, tell us one of your original readerisms (as above, what you say, and what you really mean) by midnight EST on Friday, May 18, 2007. To keep it fair for everyone, please post only one time, and only enter one readerism.

I'll pick the entry that I think is the funniest, and send the winner a signed copy of any book I've written that is still in print (your choice) along with a surprise. This contest is open to everyone on the planet, even if you've won something here at PBW in the past.


  1. Pericles/Ajax/Natasha sure enjoys reading.

    Honey, the damn cat's sitting on the books again.

  2. Of course I'll lend you my new Stardoc novel...

    (I know where you live...and work-tee heee).

  3. Anonymous12:43 AM

    No, Honey, I didn't stop at the bookstore and buy books again!

    (But the grocery store had books by a couple of my favorite authors in their lil ol book section so please don't help me put groceries away!)

  4. I want the first two Harry Potter books for my birthday.

    (I know that I have the books in paperback, but all the rest are hard cover and if I don't get the other two in hardcover I'll start obsessing over it, and then you'll never get any sleep because I'll make sure to wake you up at 3 in the morning every morning until you buy me the damn books!)


    Well, that explains a lot. Now get away from me, you freak, before I use this copy of HP and the Order of the Phoenix on you in ways the author never intended.

  6. Anonymous1:44 AM

    Want to borrow a book?

    I've just found a really awesome book by a really awesome author and now I'm forcing it on everyone to show just how awesomely awesome it is. You'll thank me later.

  7. "I'm only reading it for the articles."

    After masturbation, I need to read something that makes me feel intellectually superior again, before leaving the bathroom.


    This is just the throwdown. You haven't found the stash of really freaky hardcore sh*t that I keep in a storage shed across town.

  8. You like to read, too? What kind of stuff are you into?

    Tread lightly, Pal. I'm not above judging a reader by his genre.

  9. Oh! Did you lose the bookmark?

    If that spine is creased because you put it face down I'm going to write a haiku about it.

  10. (To the last guy I wasted my time trying to housebreak) Yes, those are romance novels. Oh, you thought I was too cerebral to waste my time on that brain rot?

    Yes, those are romance novels. They are largely responsible for my encyclopedic knowledge of hawt seXXX, which you will now never receive the benefit of. Putz.

  11. Honey, I'm going to go up and read for a bit.

    Translation: Don't you dare come up and bother me for at least an hour. I need some 'me' time or I'm going to have to reconsider my letting you live in this house with me. I love you. Good night.

  12. Anonymous7:00 AM

    I'm a picky reader.

    (See that pile in the corner? I am not above throwing books against walls. Yours could be next, pal.)

    Jess, who is not feeling particularly funny today. Darn.

  13. So, have you read any good books lately?

    I really don't have any other questions and if you know me long enough, you'll hear that question again and again.

  14. Sure, you can borrow a book...

    What am I a library? You better have this back by next Tuesday, punk, or I'm sending the book police after you. No, no don't shove it in your bag! Ahhh!

  15. Anonymous7:11 AM

    Why, yes, I sometimes read in some unusual places.

    I know there is a stack of books in the bathroom. Get over it already.

  16. "I hate books that stop rather than ending."

    Hmm, that one went through the wall.

  17. There's two more boxes in the car.

    Honey, more jack posts for the floor joists, please.

  18. Why yes, I am buying a lot of books again today.

    Please, stop asking me that stupid question. I come in here every week and leave with a stack of books longer than your arm. And no, I'm not a book junkie. I'm hoarding.

  19. Anonymous9:01 AM

    I'll just be a minute, dear. I just need to grab something to read on the plane.

    Yes, I know I'm about to spend more on books than I did on the plane ticket. What did you think that extra suitcase was for?

  20. um... so have you read xxx by so and so? I just read it last night.

    means: PLEASE say you have read it, I'm DYING to talk to SOMEONE about it! If you haven't read it, go read it so I can rant or squee. AHHH!

  21. I'll go to the bookstore with you, but I don't need anymore books.

    I'll go to the bookstore with you but I don't need any more than seven or eight books.

  22. Sure, you can borrow a book. I loaned a book to my son's father once. . . you know he never returned it?

    Oh, well, he hasn't been seen or heard from since anyway.

    Still want the book?

  23. oops, that was supposed to say "son's friend."

    Or maybe it's funnier the way I wrote it the first time. LOL

  24. Anonymous10:12 AM

    Honey, I only have ten pages left!

    If you talk to me one more time before I finish this book, I will be forced to rip out your tongue and use it to turn the pages!

  25. "I'm just going to finish this chapter, honey, then i'll turn the light off"

    if i turn the pages quietly enough he'll fall asleep first and i can read on in the morning be damned!!!!!

  26. Anonymous10:33 AM

    You read romance?

    Yep. I could always read the lit fiction you enjoy so much, but then I'd need to up my prozac prescription.

  27. Anonymous10:40 AM

    Yes, I do read a lot.

    And if you did, maybe you'd be more interesting to chat with, hmmmm?

  28. Anonymous10:41 AM

    Sweetie, I need to go to the bookstore today...

    Three (three!) of my favorite authors have books released today. Since I haven't had a good fix in over a month, I'm shaking so bad I can't drive and if I don't get there in the next ten minutes, you are so never getting laid again.

  29. I love books so much i smell every new purchase.

    True meaning:
    Okay, so I'm addicted to glue, it doesn't mean I don't like the storyline

    Hope you like that one, it's very personal.

  30. Anonymous11:07 AM

    Of course you can borrow it.

    I'll need two pieces of picture ID and $5000 worth of collateral - $10000 if it's a hardback.

  31. Anonymous11:08 AM

    Oh, are you talking to me?

    True meaning:
    Why are you talking to me? Can't you see I'm not paying attention to you cause I'm reading?

    (I say this to my husband at least 4 or 5 times a week and believe me, he knows what it means.)

  32. Anonymous11:15 AM

    Why, yes, honey, I really do read that fast.

    Just because I read 92 pages in the last half hour doesn't mean I skim read. No, really. Would you like me to recite the plot? I can, you know. No? Then go away and Let Me Read!

  33. My book is not a coaster.

    True meaning: If you put any more wet glasses on any more of my books, I'm going to use you as a speedbump.

  34. As soon as I get to a good spot to stop...

    What I really mean:
    Leave me alone, unless you don't like your life. This is a really good book and you will be lucky to see me in the next 24 hours.

  35. Anonymous12:27 PM

    Dang, guess I can't enter this 'cause you got my response covered with number 10 (grin).

    Actually, I don't talk about my book collection let alone lend anything out of it. The reason being that the last time I lent a complete set of paperbacks in pristine condition they came back with ripped pages, torn covers, literally dog-chewed, and missing one from the series!

    I vowed then to never lend another book. Especially because the borrowers thought nothing of the condition of the books and certainly didn't offer to replace them.

    They asked if I had any more and I said, "Yes, but I'm not done reading them."

    Meaning, YOU'LL NEVER get another one of my books, you low-life book torturers!

  36. I haven't been reading much lately.

    (Only a couple of novels this week... and a couple of nonfiction books... and that big stack of magazines somebody left here, and a few cookbooks... but that's not very much, is it? That reminds me, it's time for another trip to the library.)

  37. "Really?" "Oh." "Uh huh."

    My nose is buried in a murder mystery and I haven't heard a thing you've said in the last half hour, but you just keep on talking and I'll pretend I was a part of this conversation after I find out who the murderer really is.

    btw: just finished reading the John and Marcia e-book. And I thought it was hysterical when I read them as blog posts! Thanks for the compilation!

  38. Anonymous1:12 PM


    *What the sweet Mary Mother of God do you think I'm doing? I'm "£@~#%$ reading! It's a BOOK. A BOOOOK. And it's a hell of a lot more interesting than your damn picket fence anecdote - which, by the way you've already told everyone in the breakroom six times already - and if you actually think I'm going to close this book, and put it down - NOW, when Lee is about to tell Alex what happened in the Congo - and sit here and listen to YOU, you are even more brain-dead than your dull-eyed, slack-jawed appearance had led me to believe, so why don't you just push of somewhere and die. Er...Sir.*

  39. Anonymous1:16 PM

    We're looking for a house with an extra bedroom for an 'office'.

    (Look, Realtor lady, I can't possibly fit these books anywhere anymore, and if I don't get my own room filled with shelves, my husband is going to stack my treasures in the garage again and I can't SLEEP thinking about them out there like that, what can you do???)

  40. I haven't ordered any books from Amazon for like two months!

    I switched to

  41. Whadaya mean you'll replace it?

    She timidly hands the book back. *Ohmagawd... what have you done?! The spine's cracked, pages are torn, doggeared, the cover is (gasped) curling. What did you do, join the literature roller derby?!*

    The Quirky Museum Educator

  42. Anonymous1:48 PM

    You know, hon, I can always tell when you were the last person to read a book. There’s that little curve in it see, where you curl the pages around as you read…

    Oh. My. GOD!! What have you DONE to Full Metal Alchemist!?! That’s almost as bad as the mangling you gave the Temeraire books!! (Moaning – Wailing – etc.)

  43. Since I'm having a house full of company I have hardly been able to read anything.

    (I hope no one looks on the shelves above eye level, in the shower stall, the medicine cabinet, on top of the refrigerator or in any or all corners of the house.)

  44. Why don't you go read?

    What do you mean you're bored? I'd give my eye teeth at the prospect of nothing to do for three whole months but lie in the shady hammock with my nose buried in a book. Are you sure you're my child?


    Yeah, I'm only going to read a few more minutes. I just want to finish this chapter.

    Actually, I'll probably be reading until three or four in the morning because I can't possibly put this book down, so you'd might want to go sleep in the guest room if my light is bothering you.

  45. no, they are not having sex.

    (right now)

  46. No entry of my own, I just wanted to tell you how much I dearly love (and agree with) #7. Dog-eared pages always annoyed me, but after a stint as a library clerk, I think I've developed a nervous tick whenever I see someone folding back the top of a page...

  47. (hubby) No, I haven't seen your new erotic romance, hon.

    Not since I started reading it and hid it in the headboard of the bed. If I play my cards right, you'll just buy another and leave me to my guilty pleasure

  48. "Oh, yes, I know that book. It's on my TBR shelf."

    If you tell me one D*****M thing about that book that I've been working my way to through the pile of other fascinating (and not spoiled) books on my shelf I will ignore you for life!

    Why yes, I don't get enough reading time...what? Does it show?

    Great fun, Sheila.

  49. my almost 18 yr old son says Mom I have no clean clothes. Okay son I'll get right on that as soon as I finish this chapter.
    He takes one look at my face and then okay mom i'll do it myself. No words needed.

  50. Oh, I can't pick one favorite book.
    True meaning: All the other books will get jealous.

  51. Anonymous6:02 PM

    It's good for the kids to see us reading, see that even as adults they'll still be able to get swept away by books.

    I can watch them and read big wonderful books at the same time, I really can! I've been doing it for years!

  52. Anonymous6:55 PM

    All I want for Christmas/birthday is money.

    (I spent the rent money on books and maxed out the credit cards)


  53. Anonymous7:35 PM

    After being told I have "Too Many" books, I've learned to reply.....

    "Yeah maybe your right."

    What I'm thinking is....

    'Yeah right moron. I actually just need another bookshelf or two and I'll be fine. And anyway, there is NO SUCH THING as TOO MANY's just not possible!'

  54. Anonymous7:57 PM

    Yes, I read Science Fiction.

    Yes, I'm a woman and I'm probably smarter than you are so stop scoffing at my SF.

    Anna M.

  55. "Just give me a few more minutes."


    I've just gotten to the part that explains why all this stuff has been happening and there is no way in hell I'm going to stop now, even if I do still have 100 pages to read. Shut up and don't distract me.

  56. OMG there are so many great ones and I can't think of a thing!

  57. Recent, said to my beloved mom:

    I'm really close to the end of this murder mystery!

    Get the heck out of my room before I'm forced to write a new one.

  58. I'd like to recommend you this indie book: [title nobody heard of].

    I'm cool: I read AND I defy conventions.

  59. Anonymous1:04 AM

    Yes, I've really read all the books on the shelves....

    (Look, moron, back away from my shelves because I am not parting with ANY of my books. I don't CARE if there appears too many--- If you knew how to read you'd understand!)

  60. (Have you ever had someone constantly keep trying to talk to you while your reading? Even though your at the best part of the book, and have told him or her only about ten times minutes ago to let you finish reading till atleast the end of the chapter. If you said yes, then you know the blank, unconcentrated answers you give back to them when said irritation continues...)

    "Mmm..Hmm. Yes. Okay. Yeah. I understand. Mmm..Hmm...."

    I'm putting up with this junk only until I reach the end of my chapter. After that....Well..HE HE..I'd advise you to run...far away.

  61. Anonymous5:24 AM

    No, this isn't a new book, Dad, don't worry about my expenditure.
    (I keep all my new books under my bed for a month or so until they're no longer new to stop you gettign suspicious.)

    You've never heard of Terry Pratchett?
    (You illiterate plebian, you.)

    You shouldn't put books face down like that, you know.
    (OMG! Look at the poor book! MURDERER!)

    No, I haven't seen what happened to your new book.
    (...since I borrowed it and left it in my room.)

    I'm going to bed now.
    (I'm going to read by torchlight until 2 in the morning and then refuse to get up tomorrow because I'm so tired.)

    Look what this books says!
    (Look at this hideous inaccuracy! I'm going to send the author an angry email filled with obscure references and then carry out a ritual burning ceremony.)

    Hey, guess what the dictionary says?
    (I shall bore you with the meanings and origins of obscure words now.)

    Has anyone seen what happened to my book?
    (I will turn the house upside-down and complain loudly until I find it and then spend fifteen minutes about how my books are always going missing.)

    Hey, Diana Wynne Jones has a new book out.
    (I will obsess over this for days utnil I have the opportunity to purchase and read it, and then insist on telling you all about what a wonderful book it was.)

    Sure I'll lend it to you.
    (When hell freezes over. Book thief.)

    Huh? What?
    (What the hell do you want now? Can't you just leave me alone and let me read my book in peace?)

    I don't have enough room for new books.
    (My bookcase, desk, and under-the-bed is full, but I can probably stack a few in the kitchen if I really find one I like.)

    What do you mean, I spend all my time reading?
    (Sometimes I eat and sleep.)

    This page is missing a corner, honey.
    (Stop folding down the corner instead of finding a bookmark, dammit!)

    ~A. from the literareality blog

  62. I need to take tomorrow off because I'm dog-sitting.

    My Amazon delivery came today and I want to get a head start on the weekend when there's no-one around to bother me!

  63. He says: You bought more books? We don't enough room on the bookshelves for more books.

    He means: I'm not going to Ikea this weekend, and I'm not moving my comic book collection.

    She says: Don't worry, I've got space already prepared for these books.

    She means: Good thing I thinned out a bunch of his comic books earlier, now I don't need to go to Ikea!

  64. Oh, sure I'd lend you that book, but it belongs to somebody else. Yeah, I borrowed it and need to get it back to them.

    Translation: There is no way I'm letting you leave with a Dennis Lehane of mine. I've already bought the series three times because of assholes who don't return them. You'll have to pry it from my cold, dead hand, pal.

  65. When I was a kid:


    *I’m asleep. Really. Thank God for that squeaky floorboard in the hall. I know it’s 3 am, and I have to get up for school in 4 hours, but if you’d just go away, I know I could finish this book, so go ahead. Check under my pillow. I don’t know how you figured out that that’s where I was hiding them when I pretended to sleep, but now I’ve learned that if I stuff two pillows in the pillowcase and then slip the book between them, you can’t tell it’s there. So go on. Check. Then go back to bed, and I’ll finish reading until I realize you’re coming back to wake me up and I have to hide the book again. Who needs school anyway? I just learned crazy librarians who are obsessed with your father might try to murder you. Try learning THAT in math class!*

  66. What do you mean, that romance is for the ignorant?

    Obviously, the literary fiction that you prefer is for the ignorant, as you seem completely ignorant of your impending demise.

  67. No, I'm not a book addict.

    Yes, I am a book addict. However, as I don't wish to be reformed, I see no point in admitting the fact.

  68. No, I don't think I have enough books.

    Enough books? Enough books? Who is this insane person, babbling such nonsense? I'm getting out of here before the voices in her head completely take over.

  69. Anonymous1:26 PM

    Yes it is possible to have more than one book started at a time and enjoy re-reading them.

    YOU, watch series' on the tv... AND keep track of them... and watch the repeats... What's the difference????

  70. Anonymous5:25 PM

    My official entry:

    Look what this books says!
    (Look at this hideous inaccuracy! I'm going to send the author an angry email filled with obscure references and then carry out a ritualistic burning ceremony.)

    ~A. from the literareality blog

  71. I should know better than to loan books to friends. I loaned 2 Linda Howards and I know I am never going to see them again.

  72. "Honey, of course care about/heard what you were saying!"

    "If I have to start reading this same sentence after one more interruption, I'm not going to be held responsible for my actions."

  73. Anonymous10:24 PM

    "Oh, I know, hardbacks are incredibly expensive. I can't imagine who would buy them!"


    "I hope I've hidden all of my Suz Brockmann hardbacks; I think I'm up to five now? And the day her new one is released, I'm there when the bookstore opens, credit card in hand!"

  74. Anonymous10:42 PM

    "Yes, I have already pre-ordered the 7th HP, sweetie"

    [We both know I'm reading it first, right?]

  75. This is kinda a girly book, mom, I don't think dad would like it.

    (please please don't let dad take this book to work! I love the cover and my last book came back covered with coal dust and engine grease!)

    You think I'm kidding?

  76. Yes, there is sex in this book.

    And as a result of my reading this books, and books like this, I will be better in bed than you can ever hope to be. I'm also open-minded and willing to try almost anything, assuming my fav authors have written about it. But guess what? You will never know, because your snide comment guaranteed that you will never get anywhere near my naked body.

  77. BTW honey, the Amazon box arrived today.

    Meaning, the box arrived two days ago, but I had to read everything because you won't finish them for weeks, and I can't wait that long.

    I guess it just takes me longer to use the bathroom, honey.

    With a nosey husband and two young-uns, the bathroom is the only freaking place I can read for more than 5 minutes without an interruption!

    I suppose we could use another bookcase.

    Or two, or three, or possibly a dozen. Really, just get rid of everything else. We don't need anything but the bookcases and a comfy chair, right?

  78. Reading is the best medicine! I can forget pain when I'm reading!


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