Sunday, January 08, 2006

More Than Words

E-mail to the business account, posted without permission (you SPAM me, you take your chances):

Writing. Make it more than just words.

With what? Pictographs? Sound buttons? Scratch-n-sniff patches? John, ignore that last idea.

When I was ten I used to illustrate my stories by tracing pictures of kissing couples out of love comics. That was fun, mainly because I never had to draw their noses (noses are hard), just a squiggly seam between their faces.

Or maybe you mean that old Extreme song, More Than Words. Nuno Bettencourt was very hot guy. Now I'm going to hear it in my head for the rest of the day.

Or . . . maybe I had a little too much Red Zinger this afternoon.

Written a book? Need a publisher?

Yes and not at the moment. (singing) What would you say if I took those words away?

Print your book with Authorhouse.

(watching dazed birds collide in mid-air outside office window, stops singing) I think Writershouse might have a problem with that.

Our clients have become bestsellers.

So have theirs and, oddly enough, they didn't ask any of us to take out a mortgage. (goes to window) You dogs quit that howling this instant.

When you have the right tools, you're more likely to get read.

Ingrates. (shuts window) Didn't you guys just send me a penis-size enhancement SPAM? You know, the one that starts off When you have the right sized tool, you're more likely to get...?

Get on radio and TV.

With who, Howard Stern? Wait, now I'm confused.

We have the resources to help you

What about my anxiety over penis size? Not that I have a penis, but still. I can't sing. I don't have the right tools. I'm not on radio or TV. Nuno Bettencourt cut off all that gorgeous hair and wouldn't do an Extreme reunion for VH-1. God, my career, my musical history and my sexuality are completely messed up here.

Click here.

(sniff) No, no, I'll stumble along on my own. Unknown to Nuno. Still stupidly being paid by publishers to get into print. And tool-less.

Click here.

I don't need your mercy links. All I ask is that you remember the love comic moment we shared. Whatever act you put on in front of the others, I know that it was special for you. Much, much more than words.


  1. Oh, no! She's hitting the Red Zinger again. No SPAM is safe.

  2. Anonymous12:38 AM

    Oh, Gak!

    I just love those emails, too.

    Lately, I've received a bunch of spam wanting to sell me jewelry and beauty products. Puh-leeze.

    Enjoy your Red Zinger!!

  3. LOL! I used to read those love comics too! And wow. Nuno was hot.

  4. Flushing my sinuses with Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper wasn't on my list of things to do today, but it happened anyway.

  5. Our clients have become bestsellers.

    Perhaps they sign authors to write copy for other spammers. You, too, can have a readership in the tens of millions!

  6. My scratch 'n sniff panels are a thing of beauty.

    I have many unique and individual odours I must share with the world.

    The world shall thank me for them.

  7. I'm sorry, I never got past the link to Nuno. Yum.

  8. Hey -- you get jewelry and beauty products spam? I never get those. Instead, thousands of people obviously think I have thousands of dollars to invest in their 'next hot stock' tips. The copy isn't all that different from the penis enlargers and Viagra spam. Everybody has the hot tip.

  9. Anonymous9:22 AM

    Ooh, I want sound buttons for my novels! *-* Then people could experience the explosions as if they were there.

    Hmm, wonder if I'd have to pay work at all if I recorded animal sounds from here...

    I wonder how heavy sound buttons would make the book. Oh, well, if it weighs more, it'll be worth more, right? ^-*

    (I only get to see one of these SPAMs now and then, and I roll my eyes. I have to wonder how they got my name, considering I'm not yet published)

  10. I have a secret admirer from Nigeria who wants to marry me.
    And more bank accounts than I know of, and they all want my password. Of course, I obviously also have both too small breasts and a tiny willie. :-)

    Just well the mess ends up in my bulk folder.

  11. ...and now I have to go listen to "Pursuit of Happiness" by our darling Nuno.

    Thanks a lot, lady! (snort)

  12. Anonymous1:23 AM

    I got a bizarre one with no links and no sense on my author form the other day. Something about a university in Beruit and spreading love around the world...

    --Lydia Joyce


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