Monday, January 03, 2005

Would You Ten

Ten Things Total Strangers Have Asked Me to Do Since I Became an Author:

1. Have sex with them. Mostly requested via e-mail, but sometimes at cons, too; even some of the all-girl ones.

I'm just not that into you. Sorry.

2. Sell them one of my unpublished manuscripts. The scheme is generally this: I sell them the novel, they put their name on it, pretend it's their work and submit it.

No. If you're already published, no, and shame on you.

3. Marry them. Majority of the proposals came flooding in after my last divorce. I average about three or four a year now.

Flattering, but I have enough ex-spouses, thanks.

4. Give them money.

Sorry, but I had to smuggle my millions out of the country when my consort, Prince Lars, was deposed by a coup. Didn't you read my last e-mail?

5. Blurb their book. Lots of these whenever I hit a bestseller list.

Did this twice in the past, was made to regret it, so no.

6. Let them co-Author my books.

I don't play that well with others.

7. Rec them for industry awards.

Why do you think I resigned from all those writer organizations?

8. Drop Dead. Next to having sex, the most frequently requested.

Take comfort in this: I will, eventually.

9. Be Their Guest Speaker. More often than you might think, and sometimes for pretty decent money.

You don't want me talking to your group. Trust me on this one.

10. Tell them who I really am.

When I figure that out, I'll let you know.

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