Propaganda

This one will be out in December.

Got Book?

First time I went to a major writer convention, I saw piles of free books -- literally hundreds -- in the goodie room. I asked the writer who was showing me around why the books were being given away. Publishers send them to promote the books is what she told me.

It didn't make sense to me then, and it still doesn't. While we writers are great readers, and we appreciate free anything, we're busy trying to sell and promote our own books. You authors, think about it -- out of the dozens of free books (and bookmarks, and pens, and other promo bits) that we've been given at writer conventions, how many of the corresponding authors' books have you bought?

Marketing writers to writers isn't the answer. We need readers. Preferably new readers, or consumers who presently don't buy books on a regular basis. Unfortunately these people aren't coming to where the books are, so maybe it's time we take the books to them.

My first year as a pro, I took signed copies of my book down to the local ER. Not for promo purposes; some of my nurse and doctor friends worked graveyard shift and couldn't make my booksigning. I brought extra copies so no one else working that shift would feel left out. A month later, most of the trauma staff -- about a hundred people -- had either borrowed the book or had gone out to buy it. A bunch of them e-mailed asking me when the next one would be released.

Give away a book, and you may get a reader in return.

What if publishers took the books they usually dump at one major writer convention and instead put them somewhere else? How about a cruise ship? Complimentary free book in every cabin or next to every deck chair. Think about it: a captive audience, a nice little gift for them. Books do go so great with tanning on deck or relaxing in the cabin. Would be a brilliant way to market almost any title.

Next time you're on a plane, would you like a free book instead of that microscopic pack of honey-roasted peanuts? Or on the commuter train, so you don't have to count telephone poles or wonder what that strange-colored smear on the window is.

Too large scale? Think of all the magazines you've read in your dentist's office. I like Field and Stream and Highlights well enough, but I'd much rather read a book, preferably something to take my mind off the imminent drilling. I've always got a novel in my purse, but most people don't think of bringing one.

Yes, there would be some creative research and application involved. Change does requires some effort. As for investment, publishers already give away thousands of freebies every month, so the books are out there. They're just going to the wrong people and places.

Still don't think it would work? It already has. The Gideons did it with the Bible.

S'okay

Editor called this morning to talk about a manuscript I just sent in. It's our first time working together, so I started pacing the office floor, sweating and waiting for the worst. Imagining the worst as the editor was talking to me went something like this:

Editor really liked the book
Sure you did. Stop being nice to me and yell.
and has two minor questions
Like Why are you a published author and Can you get a day job?
but is sending the manuscript
to another editor so she can get a big laugh
to copy-edit.
and everyone will . . . what?

From this point it becomes a conversation:

"Really, the book is terrific."
"What about this?"
"That's fine."
"And this? Did I drop the ball with this?"
"You didn't drop the ball with that."
"But -- what about the blah? And the hooey?"
"Both were excellent. I couldn't put it down."

I continued to grill the editor for another fifteen minutes, but she wouldn't budge. My heart rate dropped to semi-normal as we wound up the conversation and I made some suggestions for the back pages. Then I hung up the phone and collapsed in a nearby chair.

The man, who was working at home this morning, came over. "What was that all about?"

"Revisions." I covered my face with my hands. "She didn't want any."

"S'okay." He patted my shoulder. "Just pitch her something else, honey."

Eeeeee Ten

Ten Things We Really Don't Want to Know About You:

1. The temperature of the tip of your penis.

Lord. Put on some pants.

2. Explicit details on how you have sex with [insert choice of partner, device or appendage].

Does your mother read this weblog?

3. That you have consumed anything still alive and wriggling when it went in your mouth.

Sorry, gross, and you're making us worry about your pet hamster.

4. Body functions that you feel are unique and absorbing.

Guess what? They're not.

5. The extremely dangerous stunt you pulled with your helpless three-year-old in tow.

Next time, get a babysitter, then go try to maim yourself.

6. Your indepth analysis of why major publishers are collectively souless, brainless assembly lines that have no integrity and are therefore unworthy of your novel.

Yeah, that ought to shame them into making an offer.

7. The time you played proctologist for your pet, including pics.

All right, that does it. Back away from the hamster. Right now.

8. The horrible time you had at the con, with lots of details on the disgusting virus you picked up there.

And yet, you're going to twelve more this year. How stoic of you.

9. Your explanation as to why the Book of Your Heart should not have been rejected seventy-three times.

Uh-huh. Write something else already.

10. How much you enjoyed the time(s)your hubby beat the crap out of you.

Funny, but you all never mentioned it when I used to transport you to the emergency room.

Contagious

While doing some research on marketing and promotion, I ran into a phrase I'd never heard before: viral marketing. Sounds like something your Norton should quarantine, but it's actually the fancy marketing way of saying word of mouth.

I did a little more digging, and turned up this article about viral marketing by Chris Yeh, a marketing consultant who has a great sense of humor and obviously knows what he's talking about. His three principals of viral marketing can easily be adapted to the publishing industry, as follows:

Was the book good for you?

If you want people to promote a novel by word of mouth, you have to give them a book worthy of their effort. We don't talk about safe, competent, nice, adequate books. We talk about the books that move us and shake us. Will your book do that?

You can't make a bestseller out of a bomb.

If a book hasn't got power, it's going to fizzle. The author might be able to con a few industry pals into giving great quotes, glowing reviews, and noms for important awards, but that only gets you so far. We've all seen uber-hyped books that died on the shelf because the author didn't deliver the goods. There are authors who get plenty of publisher support that their work doesn't merit -- show me an industry where that doesn't happen, and I'll go work there -- but in the end, story is what decides who makes the millions.

Do Unto Others' Books, etc.

Writers are at the base of the Great Publishing Pyramid. We're the ones who make it possible, so in a way it's built on our backs. You know what lightens the burden? Helping another writer deal with their book. I don't mean reciprocal linkage or swapping bookmarks at yet another con. Help for someone you don't know. If you find a book out there and you love the work, whether you know the author or not, help promote it. If you find some writing wisdom or marketing strategy that works for you, share the info freely on your weblog. Not everyone will help you back -- in fact, most probably won't -- but it's not about what you get out of it. It's about what you give.

Chris Yeh has a whole archive of articles online here if you want to check out more of his work.

Logical

Katherine Derbyshire has a thought-provoking post over on her weblog about turning print losses into e-book profits.

I just bought an e-book last week, and I do buy them regularly, although I print them out on paper because I have way too much screen time already with work. If e-book readers could be made to be as easy on the eyes as print books; that's really my only issue with them.

Show Me Ten

I learned how to write books via the Library Card method: I went to the library, selected twenty or thirty novels at random, took them home and read them. Still do. I don't know how many books I've read so far, but figure one trip per week X thirty years = 31,200 - 46,800 novels read.

Learning by example allows you to choose what works for you and discard what doesn't, something you can't do with more traditional educational methods. It also requires you to hunt down the examples and analyze them, but most writers are intensely interested in every aspect of the craft, so not like it's a hardship.

Ten Things for Learn-By-Example Writers

1. Meredith Bond's How to Write a Character-Based Synopsis -- Meredith breaks down her own synopsis in the article.

2. Kathy Carmichael's Articles page -- Kathy's Synopsis workshop has examples from her work and others; also the very first pitch generator I've ever seen anywhere.

3. Charlotte Dillon's Resources for Romance Writers -- Charlotte has samples of her work all over the place here.

4. Lisa Gardner's Conquering the Dreaded Synopsis

5. Lee Goldberg's Sample Scripts -- Lee shows you actual scripts he's written for the screen

6. Kristi Holl's Mystery Writing Lessons

7. Alex Keegan's Writing a Query Letter that Sells

8. Chapter 1 of Nancy Kress's Dynamic Characters

9. Holly Lisle's site has tons of examples to follow, but my personal favorite is Revising Vincalis.

10. PBW -- Practicing what I preach, today I uploaded three synopses of books I have in print (note: These were the initial pitches that sold, so the final products are all a little different.) Click here for an inspirational fiction synopsis, here for a romantic suspense synopsis, and here for a SF synopsis.

PCM

When I first met another person who wrote books for money (circa 1998) he introduced himself as an author. First thing out of his mouth, too: "Hi, I'm author John Smith."

A week later, I had to introduce myself to a critique group I'd joined through an ad at the library (not something I recommend, btw) so I said I was an author. After learning my first book had yet to be released, a lady in the group gently corrected me: "You're not an author, dear, until you actually have a book in print. Refer to yourself as a writer."

That was my first run-in with the Word Police. Interesting side note: they actually kicked me out of the group when they discovered that I wrote SF. Official Reason: none of them wrote it, read it, or understood it. Nothing to do with the fact that I was the only writer in the group who had sold anything, of course.

I thought it was like a rule or something, and referred to myself a writer until my first writer conference, at which I was introduced as an author. Which confused me, and I tried to correct, but I was again corrected -- by a moderator at a panel who was also a member of the Word Police -- and was told I was an author because I was published.

That time I was an author for about an hour, until I made a joke about it to another author on the panel. "Don't call yourself an author," this person said. "It's pretentious and it makes the writers who aren't published feel bad. You're a novelist."

Anyone with five books in print had to be right, right? And very high up in the ranks of the Word Police, I assumed. From that day I went around calling myself a novelist.

No one said anything for a few years, until an editor I pitched commented on my business cards, on which I had my name, pseudonyms and the job title novelist. "Calling yourself a novelist sounds so rookie," said this vocabulary cop. "You've got a bunch of books in print; put author on the cards." When I mentioned the advice about giving those not yet published a complex, the editor chuckled. "Who cares what the wannabes think?"

Don't get out your voodoo dolls; that editor no longer works in publishing. Does the Word Police have an Internal Affairs Division? I've always wondered . . .

Anyway, I went back to using author, very reluctantly, and switched occasionally to writer when no one was looking. I'd slip now and then and say novelist, too. One interviewer referred to me as a freelancer, evidently because I wrote in so many different genres. Then I started working writer-for-hire jobs, which threw hyphens into the mix.

I was so confused.

Hate mail didn't help. "Your writing sucks and so do all your novels," one staunch genre guardian informed me. "You're nothing but a hack." There were other words the SWAT Branch of the Word Police threw at me, but nothing I could put on my business cards (I still really like nemesis, though, G. Has kind of an elegant ring to it.)

Two years ago I gave up trying to please the Word Police about the same time I stopped caring about a lot of stuff. So depending on my mood, I can be a writer, author, novelist, hack, hired gun, or whatever else you want to call a person who writes books for money. True, the terms likely all offend someone, but until you people get together and decide on one word, I'm going with whatever pops into my head.

I might even get creative with it. Plot Crisis Manager, now there's a job title for you . . .

Motivation

Resonance

Acoustic resonance is defined as the intensification and prolongation of sound, especially of a musical tone, produced by sympathetic vibration.* Remember this, it will be on your final.

People talk about stories that resonate but aside from audiobooks and author readings, novels are silent. We writers may have our characters shout their brains out on the page, but our product is as soundless as if we shoved the reader into outer space. Novelists definitely have to go for something other than the ears.

The reader absorbs a story visually and processes it internally. In order to create resonance, you have to get inside your reader's head. Only we're not mind-readers, so we have to guess what's going on in there. Not just one reader; to be successful you have to figure out what's going on in a lot of heads. Whoever first gave out the advice write the kind of book you want to read should really have said write the kind of book you and a million other people want to read.

Doesn't matter what genre it is, either. Three examples: Stephen King knows what his readers fear. Nora Roberts knows what her readers love. J.K. Rowling knows what her readers wish. All three probably hit the initial reader vibe by accident. How they became blockbusters was by recognizing that first twang and building on what they did that resonated so strongly with the readers.

The reason publishing is having such a hard time at present isn't because people don't read anymore. It's because no one knows what people want to read anymore and the guesses publishing has been making are mostly off the mark. Trying to write or sell the readers what they "should" be reading doesn't work; there is no answering vibe. You can't shame people into buying books; people in the general population are no longer judged by how well-read they are.

Looking for the reader vibe won't win you friends among the literati. Case in point: Random House recently came under fire for their slow shift from publishing what people "should" be reading to what people actually want to read. But it's a sound business decision, and if publishing wants to stay alive, it's going to have to hit more vibes.

Same goes for writers.

*The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition
Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company.

Counterpoints

Tamara Siler Jones writes about looking at her future in the industry, and the difficulties an organic writer has with planning and pitching. There are no quick fix-its to the problems Tam faces in the years to come. I think she's right in protecting the work; the work must always come first.

Tam also underscores the fact that every writer is different, and so are their methods. We all have our unique vision of the work, and we have to develop an individual approach to creating it. I have yet to meet two writers who do everything the exact same way; even the husband-and-wife author teams I've met aren't writer-clones of each other.

What I write here is who I am and what I do. If my methods help you, great; I've done my bit for the craft. If they don't, then you'll have to find another way, either on your own or by learning another writer's methods. Mine obviously work, but they are not the only way to write books, nor should they be.

I write exactly what I think, and as you've guessed by now I am not inclined to tiptoe when I do. I don't censor myself in order to collect cronies and fans. If I can, I'm going to rock your boat, get you to think, and challenge your views. That's more important to me than being your idol or your pal. Publishing is many things, but it is not us all sitting together around a fire toasting marshmallows and singing Kumbaya.

Save Your Praise, Lady

Shades of bilirubin come to mind as I add Meg Wolitzer to the Authors Behaving Badly file. (via M.J. Rose, whose elegant smackdown of Wolitzer is simple and priceless.)

Showoffs

Imagine you have five minutes to show the world what you can do. What would you do? What can you do in five minutes?

Visual effects artists Bruce Branit and Jeremy Hunt take only three to give you a taste of their talents with 405, a hilarious spoof on LA driving.

Novel IV: Pitch

When you write a novel for publication, you're creating a product (not you, the novel.) To successfully sell that product, you need a major book publisher to manufacture and distribute your book. To interest a publisher in buying the rights to do so, you must submit a novel proposal, aka the pitch.

Very little practical information is written about how to pitch a novel by those who actually do it for a living. I know, I've looked. Those authors who are good at it evidently hoard their techniques, kind of like that stressed-out leprechaun in the Lucky Charms commercials: Can't let the kids get me magical marshmallows.

Those who aren't adept at pitching like to whine endlessly about it. "I'm an artist," a SF writer told to me once, "not a salesman." Makes sense, of course. Why should you learn how to effectively do something as common and grubby as selling the novel you, uh, want to sell?

Anyway. Until the heavens simply open up and bathe novelists in Divine Publication Light, or editors and publishers develop much better psychic powers, writers must pitch their novels.

It's not all that much different from baseball. Well, you don't have to chew tobacco or wear that black stuff under your eyes. But the theory is the same: Pitching is only as effective as your throw and who's at bat. You can blindly toss whatever you have out there and hope for the best. Or you can assess the market, choose very carefully to whom you pitch, and get it in shape to make it across the plate.

Here are my magical marshmallows (sorry, no curve balls):

1. Know Thy Novel: Before I pitch anything, I make sure I know it inside and out. I nail down all the vital details about genre, characters, plot, theme, setting and the story structure. I write a timeline chronicles the novel's events. I create keyword lists to organize my knowledge and make a foundation for the pitch. I trim away the unnecessary schlock and concentrate on concept words that relay story specifics. Compare these keyword lists:

rich, blond, smart, scarred, scared, lonely woman

Doesn't tell you much about how or why she's scarred, scared, lonely, etc., right? Now try:

former Creole socialite, recovering burn victim, agoraphobic

Same woman, only now you know a lot more about her.

2. Rough it Out: Using my keyword lists, I write a rough draft synopsis (ten to twenty pages, depending on genre), a one-page treatment (like a synopsis, only much shorter and more condensed) and my phone notes. Phone notes are shorthand for the key elements of a novel that I want to relay to my editor or agent, so they can get the gist of the novel in under a minute.

This is not all non-stop keywords or a place for voice, either; I write plainly and keep out as much of my personal writing style as is possible. The three big to-do's of writing a synopsis to me are: a) Do write it in present tense; b) Do give away all of the secrets and plot twists; and c) Do keep it as simple as possible -- just the facts, no frills.

3. Chapters: I write three chapters of the novel. If you can't spontaneously write three chapters of any novel you want to pitch, go back to step #1 and do it over until you're able to sit down and write the chapters. You have to know your book before you can write your book, and they're going to want to see a sample.

4. Break: I put it all aside for at least 24 hours if I can, or 4 hours if I can't, to get a break. I don't obsess, worry, hate, or otherwise think about the pitch.

5. Buff & Polish:I go back fresh and analyze the pitch. Have I covered all the bases? Does the idea sound exciting, interesting, attention-catching? Is the presentation professional, no errors, no logic problems, no clumsiness or stumbling in the synopsis? Are the first three chapters tight? Anything I missed?

6. Bounce it: This is an optional step. If I have any doubts, I call my agent and pitch her using my phone notes. If she throws up a red light, we discuss and I either discard the idea or fix it. You can do this with a writer friend or critique partner.

7. Mail it: If the agent gives me a green light, I print out the proposal and send it off (if you're subbing to a publisher, follow their guidelines to the letter.) I don't use anything special, just plain white paper, Courier New 12 pt. font, half-page cover letter, plain colored file folder.

As in baseball, you only get better at pitching if you practice. Sometimes I've written practice pitches on books I had no intention of writing just to refine my pitching ability. I do know that the more you write, the easier it gets. Keep at it.

Some tools and articles on pitching by authors who are good and don't hoard:

Timeline Maker -- I haven't tried downloading the demo, but this might help organize your novel timeline

Synopsis examples by Deborah M. Hale

Finding Your Themes by Holly Lisle

Make the Perfect Pitch: The Novel Query by Kelly James-Enger

Proper Manuscript Format

Making Your Proposal Persuasive by Cindy Bunch

How to Pitch Tipsheets from Mediabistro.com

Risky Business

Eleven years ago I wrote to a literary agent who advertised for clients in the back of a trade mag. You're wincing already, aren't you? Well, you should. It was a dumb thing to do. But I couldn't get much response from querying editors, and I'd read an article in the same mag that said a literary agent could help.

The agent responded (quickly and warmly) and asked me to send my full manuscript to him (which I did) and then about a week later informed me that I should be (cautiously) excited as I had written a fine novel. All I needed was a little professional help and I'd be in print in no time. He referred me to a "book doctor" agency.

Encouraged, I sent my manuscript on to the agency, and the head book doctor himself responded immediately. Congratulations, I had a good novel, very promising, sure to make it into print, and he was just the man to help me. He'd even pay to call me long distance from New York, so when could we have a teleconference?

I had him call during nap time and we talked. He praised me, my talent, and my novel, which was really good but rough around the edges and desperately needed editing to make it "professional quality." He also told me an industry inside secret: all pros hired book doctors to polish their manuscripts, they just didn't talk about it. And, since I was an unemployed stay-at-home Mom, he would definitely give me a price break. $1300 and he would get my novel ready to be published.

The guy was good. By the time I got off the phone, I was almost convinced. Only one tiny problem: I couldn't pay $1300 to get published because that broke my great big rule of being a pro writer, which is "I don't pay them, they pay me."

I talked it over with the husband, and although we were on a tight budget at the time, he was willing to write the check. But my mantra kept ringing in my head, and while I knew nothing about publishing, I knew I had to be the one who got paid, not the other way around.

It killed me to turn down the book doctor, especially when he called a second time and offered to let me pay in installments. He warned me (gently) that I was making a huge mistake, and that I might not ever get another offer like this one. He almost had me again a few times, too, but my great big fat rule kept smacking me in the head, and finally he accepted the no-thanks and wished me luck.

The book doctor whose wonderful if expensive offer I turned down? Was Bill Appel of Edit Ink.

The book Bill said desperately needed editing? Didn't get any, and still sold to a major publisher a few years later. Five years after publication that book is still in print, with a 91% sell-through on fifty thousand copies to date. In fact, you folks bought another two thousand copies of it over the last six months.

As for making a huge mistake, well, yesterday some royalty statements came in and beefed up my career running total nicely. I now have over one million books in print.

Aspiring writers, make it your mantra: you don't pay them, they pay you.

Lit

A novel lay-down date is when your book is supposed to hit the store shelves. This doesn't always happen according to schedule, especially if it collides with a gift-giving holiday, but it generally works out. It used to be a ritual, first couple of years I was published, to Go See My Book Land. Now my release and writing schedules are so nuts that it's more like oh shit, I have a book out two or three weeks after the fact.

My latest one was my debut in a new genre, though, so I marked the calendar and made the pilgrimage over the weekend. I went first to the teeny tiny historical fiction section where it should have been shelved. No book. Then I wandered over to the humongous inspirational section and started looking. Still no book. I double checked the Christian fiction and Biblical reference subsections, just to be sure. Zip. I even went over to romance and SF. Nada.

I figured it didn't arrive due to a late shipment, sighed, and went up to the info desk to check when the order was due.

"We have copies," BAM clerk told me. "In Fiction/Literature."

I was horrified. "What? Why?"

"Uh, because it's a literary novel."

"It is not a literary novel," I told her. I was going to get into why, only I remembered that the book is a writer-for-hire gig, which I can't discuss. I had to settle for telling her "That author doesn't write literary novels. You couldn't pay her enough to write literary novels."

She gave me the sure-lady smile. "Would you like me to get a copy of it for you, ma'am?"

So now I'm a literary author. You know what this means. I'll have to stop smiling, immediately, and cultivate that haunted, knowing pout. No more wearing X-Files tshirts and bunny slippers; only cords and turtlenecks in suitable colors like charcoal and algae and burnt parchment. I'll have to have my hair chopped off into an intellectual wedge and wear a fanny pack. For fun -- not that I'm really supposed to have any -- I'll have to sneak out at 1 am on a Thursday, sit in a cafe by a condemned building, drink anisette-flavored latte and sulk while some guy with an uneven goatee and stained khaki dockers reads from Fitzgerald and ad-libs where F. Scott got it wrong.

God, I'm so depressed. See? It's starting already.

Better than Sitcom

In case you were wondering, women can't write hard SF because we're too stupid.

My theory is that a misogynist's logic is directly related to the diminutive size of his penis, but who'd want to do the research?

Don't Ten

Ten Things Authors Do that I Don't

1. Do readings and/or booksignings.

We've covered this before, right? Not me.

2. Watch broadcast/cable television for pop culture shows.

I'm generally writing or reading books. Multiply that times seventeen years.

3. Go to writer conferences.

It's really that PC entree at the Guest Speaker luncheon that freaks me out. What the hell kind of chicken dish is purple, I ask you?

4. Go back to school and earn a pedigree degree.

Alas, I'm still attending the University of Real Life.

5. Take exotic vacations.

I send the family on vacation, stay home and write. That's my idea of an exotic vacation.

6. Speak/teach at writer seminars/workshops/retreats for pay.

I make enough money from book sales. Pass.

7. Socialize with other writers.

Tried. We didn't bond.

8. Give interviews.

I've done five in six years. I've run out of things to say.

9. Do anthologies with other authors.

Let's not go there and say we did.

10. Go to New York and meet my publishers.

Never have, not really interested. They're starting to get a little nervous now. What if the rumors are true about the consequences of the dreadful accident I had in my
laboratory . . . ?
(evil laugh as I limp back into my subterranean lair.)

Deadline Diet

I used to get sick after a deadline week. The minute I turned in a book, I'd get hit with a cold, sinus infection, stomach virus, or something equally guaranteed to make my return to relative normality miserable. I couldn't figure out why, either. Before I started writing pro I hardly ever caught any bugs, even from the kids.

I figured it out one day after I turned in a book and went to catch up on my household chores. The dishwasher actually gave it away; it was filled with dirty tea cups and spoons, waiting to be washed (don't ask any of the bipeds in this house to push that button and turn on the dishwasher, evidently it is a highly technical activity that only Mom can handle.) I was also out of my favorite black tea.

Deadline weeks are always a blur of 18 days and endless reading and writing. I don't eat, I have no appetite, no time to cook properly and I can't deal with takeout food. I cook for the family, toss the food on the table and go back to work. Now and then when my stomach protests I'll join them, but I pretty much live on tea and crackers for five to seven days. Which is why I'm generally five to seven pounds lighter after I turn in a book. I also look like hell warmed over; pale enough to interest a mortician, dark blue Samsonite under both eyes, etc.

I asked my doctor if lousy diet was the culprit, and he gave me the well, duh look. Then he suggested that besides eating better, I might try taking a multivitamin. I hate pills, so during the next deadline week I switched from drinking black tea to a rosehip herbal tea. I also forced myself eat a piece of raw fruit (bananas are best) and drink a glass of orange juice every morning. I could probably do it all in a smoothie but I can't be trusted with a blender at 4:30 a.m.

I performed this regime more or less faithfully during the next deadline week, and the difference was immediate and incredible. I wasn't as tired, I only looked like hell half warmed-over, and I didn't get sick. I didn't even get a headache from all the screen reading. To make it a truly (cough) scientific experiment, on the deadline week following that one, I went back to my old habits, and promptly got an upper respiratory infection like the second the book was out of here.

I've been on the herbal tea-fruit-juice deadline week diet ever since, and have not been hit with the post-deadline grunge once. Last week Kath came home with the flu, which I have not had yet (we didn't get flu shots this year as the supply was scarce and we figured the babies and elderly needed what was available more.) She's been breathing, coughing and sneezing on me all through deadline week but I haven't caught it yet, so maybe this builds up your immune system, too.

Standby

Wait for it. . . any second now . . .

The book is DONE.

(Well, in writer time, it was a few seconds. I can't help it if you people insist on existing in reality.)

That's #3 for the year, or the third book I've written in the past sixty-four days. Yes, I am bragging. It's all I have the energy left for.

Sold

Reprint rights for my GCI novels (me writing as Rebecca Kelly) to be released in retail editions. No word yet on the publisher or the type of edition. I hope it's Thorndike Press; they did a nice job with Home for the Holidays.

This would probably be a good time to spring my other news. My last GCI novel, Life is a Three-Ring Circus, will be my final book in the series, as I've refused the publisher's latest offer and have stepped down from writing the series. We had a good run together, put out seven great books, and I learned a great deal about the inspirational fiction market. I don't think there are any regrets on either side; certainly not on mine.

It's hard to walk away from work, but sometimes, for whatever reason, the answer has to be no. No, I will not sign that contract is the hardest sentence a writer ever has to say. Well, other than Hello, Dell, why is there smoke pouring out of my drive tower?

I will never be so successful that I will ever like saying no, but I'm also practical. At a certain level, you simply can't take every offer that comes in; you have to become selective. Evidently that's where I'm at.

Hello

One of Holly's editors at Tor is looking for erotica submissions, and I'll quote:

Or, rather, "romantica" - the sort of erotica that has a vague semblance of a plot, and also a happy ending.

Paranormal and non-paranormal, contemporary, historical, futuristic, totally kinky or more vanilla, threesomes are okay, blah blah blah. If you're not sure, just submit it and I'll read it; the worst I can say is no.

70,000 - 90,000 words. Post submissions only - three chapters, a 2 page synopsis, and a cover letter.

Anna Louise Genoese (and please confirm that spelling, that's off the top of my head) is an editor at Tor whose guidelines are here, if you're interested in pitching her.

Space

I can't stand clutter, so I've been reducing my worldly possessions over the last five years, aiming to hone the non-essentials to the bare minimum. I'm only about halfway there; I've got my wardrobe and library where I want them, now I have to start working on the quilt collection and other stuff.

Other stuff, or what other people have given to me over the years, is about 85% of my headache. I estimate I have at least 2,000 lbs. of things I have been hauling around for ten years or better because someone was thoughtful and remembered me on my birthday/anniversary/pick your holiday.

It's not that I hate gifts. I love the idea of gifts. I hate lugging an entire lifetime of gifts through my life. I hate packing and repacking a ton of collectibles I never wanted to collect it in carboard boxes because I don't have nineteen curio cabinets.

Out of self-defense, two years ago I started insisting family members give me only candles or food as gifts, or simply send a card. I can toss a card, burn candles and eat the food without offending anyone. This request has pissed off more people than I can count, though, too: Why don't you want the three-foot tall plaster statue of Pan Doing Aphrodite that we picked out especially for you from Discount Garden Statuary?

Eventually I'll get my living space to where I want it; probably when the kids go off to college. My ideal environment has great lighting, comfortable furniture, nothing on the surfaces, a full working library and office, a green house off the kitchen, two porches with east-west exposure, and a walk-in linen closet with climate control, and is located just outside a town with a population of 10,000 or less. I've got about 75% of that right now, too.

I like seeing other writers and artist's home enviroments. Artist/illustrator James Hale has a terrific garden, and in the April '05 print issue of Country Living there is an utterly fascinating look at the work and decor of artist Annie McClure, whose dimensional still lifes remind me of Jules Verne and H.G. Wells.

Bake Selling

A book is not a brownie. We all know this, right? So why are we authors approaching novel marketing like it's our turn at the card table outside Mrs. Smith's 4th grade class after school?

If you're not a veteran of the elementary school bake sale, you won't get this analogy. So let me explain: if you want to raise money for a worthy project and you're the mother of a child under the age of twelve, you call all the other mothers of kids in whatever grade, ask them to make some baked goodies and parcel them in small/hand decorated bags, which you then hand-sell to mothers and kids after school. Viola, bake sale.

Bake sales are not by nature designed to raise a huge amount of money. The one we just did at my kids' school brought in about $500, enough for our goal (paying to bring a traveling fun-science show to the school). The problem is, we mothers likely spent at least $500 in supplies and labor while making the goodies, packaging them, transporting them, etc.

A bake sale is not a cost-efficient endeavor, and it's not meant to be. It's a Mommy thing. You do it so you can bake things with your kids, and show support for the PTA, and demonstrate your solidarity. It's also an opportunity to once again marvel over how many women use packaged cookie dough, or the mystery ingredients used to make Mrs. Jones's disgusting green and black Easter Rice Krispy treats, which somehow always tragically fall out of their ziplock bags into loose dirt before they make it to the sale table.

How does this correlate with the marketing authors do for their books? If you've ever been to an RWA National Conference, you will immediately get this. Note the resemblance of the goodie room to the bake sale table: Bookmarks, postcards, magnets, cutie little advertising things, all cleverly packaged to catch the eye. Completely useless as marketing tools, but oh, so pretty.

Many homemade web sites -- we're all guilty of them, so don't anyone turn up your nose -- are tragic. They should fall into the dirt somewhere, but they don't. And their authors are determined to save that hundred bucks by working out of that Websites for Dummies book. You militant do-it-yourselfers, don't yell at me and say you can't afford a professional web designer. Not when you spend a thousand bucks to go to a conference so you can, yes, sit at a card table and sign five copies of your novel.

Homegrown marketing: aka the guy who will do [fill in promo service] for your book for a hundred or five hundred or even a thousand bucks. He will always have a great web site. He talks professional. He's at all the conferences. He makes it sound so wonderful. He actually makes no promises, but he doesn't have to. He has your vanity and paranoia upon which to make his buck.

There has to be a better way to market our books, but until we find it, don't bake sell yourself. Think before you order three thousand heart shaped plastic bookmarks emblazoned with the name of your debut romance. Don't follow the herd to the next conference. Fold up your card tables and put away your ziplock bags. We can do better than this for our novels and our careers.

Misfit Ten

Ten Things That Didn't Fit Previous Ten Things Lists

1. The Internet Public Library's collection of links to free online texts.

2. Without question, the best paper I've ever read on success and failure.

3. Peter Anspach's Evil Overlord List.

4. The Traditional Latin Mass in, what else, Latin (but a nice side column English translation.)

5. Star Naming: lots of people buy nonsense like this, and this explains why you shouldn't.

6. Just in case you didn't get enough here, the Abuse-a-tron.

7. If I couldn't write, I'd work here. Or here. Or here (and if that quality control job at the factory does ever open up again, I would like to be notified at once.)

8. Own a virtual slave with the Cyberbuddy.

9. At four to six weeks per book, I'm a pretty fast writer. This guy is way faster.

10. Want a percent of his/her heart? Try the Love Calculator.

Detox

I finally located a used copy of Dame Kathleen Kenyon's Digging Up Jericho, a vital component to some biblical/archaeological research I've been doing. The bookseller sent me a faintly mildewed, yellowing copy that was a library discard, for which I paid a semi-reasonable $14.50 (happily; I've been trying to get this book for months.)

Old books that have not been cared for stink, and over the years this is what I've discovered while trying to detox them:

Never use liquids or anything strongly scented like perfume to detox a book. Febreze is for fabric, not pages. Perfume has alcohol and other agents in it that can stain and cause more harm to the book.

People advocate sealing the book in a large bag or box with several crumpled sheets of newspaper or inserting folded sheets of newspaper every couple of pages or so, changing the newspaper frequently. This is slow and I've never found it to work completely for me.

Sun can bleach out a lot of odors, but it can also harm delicate old books. Not recommended.

Putting the book in a bag of cat litter can actually create more problems, depending on the brand. Some litters are treated with chemicals that can leave spots and stains of their own. Also not something I'd try.

Talcum powder: I can't find any unscented, or I'd give it a whirl.

My method: I make sure the book is completely dry*, then I use a soft-bristle brush on any visible mildew flakes and brush out what I can. I spread a small amount of cornstarch on each page, the end pages, the cover and down the spine, wrap the book in tissue paper and let it sit undisturbed for two or three days. I then shake out and then brush out the cornstarch. It completely absorbs the odors and leaves no residue.

I don't recommend anyone try to detox a truly valuable book; hire a professional conservator to restore it instead. Minnesota Historical Society has some info on that here, and Antiques Roadshow has a good article on the subject here.

*How to dry a wet book, via University of Delaware Library.

The Real Deal

I've only written two screenplays, one with another author which made it to the last round of elimination in a national contest, and one for fun. I will be the first to say that I am not a natural screenwriter. Screenplay writing is damn hard, for one thing, and requires much more self-discipline than novel writing.

For those of you interested in writing for the screen as well as print, check out screenwriter/novelist Lee Goldberg's weblog, A Writer's Life. One of his recent posts, "Is a Story Really Necessary" is so funny you should not drink beverages while reading it.

My solution for the story-challenged screenwriters? Send them over to use the Plot-O-Matic.

VBT$

While everyone is singing praises for The Virtual Book Tour as the next big promo thing, do remember to check out the pricetag and what services are actually included before you jump on the band wagon.

The questions a writer should always ask when considering this kind of promo: 1) Can I afford it, 2) where are the hard sales numbers, 3) are the resulting sales established and consistent, and 4) what name authors are doing it? If the answer to any of these questions is no, none, or even it's difficult to say, then buyer, beware.

Op4

All went well with me yesterday, btw. Looks like it was the last of the lower jaw work, but Monday I'll know for sure when I go for my follow-up. Once I get that green light, we start on the upper part, which in comparison will be a walk in the park.

My part of the tab so far: $7,650.00, with about another two or three grand to go. This is very reasonable -- another doc down in South Florida wanted to charge me twice this -- and I've been setting money aside for it for the last year.

My situation is not unusual. Like most writers, I have to insure myself. I carry major medical, because it would be insane not to, but I shop around and currently I pay about $170.00 a month for the coverage, which is fairly comprehensive (and, oddly, about what I pay for car insurance.) My medical insurer is CGI, if you're interested in checking out their rates.

The rest of my medical expenses -- including the oral/dental -- comes out of my pocket. Much of the work I'm having done is considered "cosmetic" so it's not covered under my policy or would be covered by any dental insurance I might obtain. I never thought of being able to talk and chew as optional, but there you go.

Ten Eleven on Ten

Ten Eleven Things from Reader Mail About Ten Things*

1. Stop making fun of writers because were sirious (sic).

Yes, I can see that you are.

2. Almost everyone in my novel has sex with my main character. Does that really mean it needs work?

It really does.

3. I think you should run for office.

I do run for my office. Frequently.

4. Who was the author who spit in your face? I'd like to thank him.

Let me guess. You're a reviewer.

5. Did you instigate the "Ten Things I've Done that You Haven't" meme?

No. I also don't own the words "ten" and "things." Please make note of this.

6. Why don't you do a ten things about editors?

What, and spoil the expose?

7. Your weblog is ugly and boring and your ten lists are stupid.

But the typing, you must agree, is fabulous.

8. I don't think you're as funny as Letterman.

Which is why he's on TV and I'm not. That and the pancake makeup, eyeliner, and pantyhose requirements.

9. I'm going to do a ten things I love about you list.

Aw, that's sweet. Be sure to mention that, contrary to rumors, I can count that high. *Only not at 5:34 am.

10. Thank you for the link to Mandarin Design. I'm learning so much from that site for my blog.

That's why they were #1 on the list.

11. Would you do a ten list today? I'm depressed.

Me, too. Here you go.

Color

I would like to meet whoever names the shades of Patterworks' wool. Why? When it comes to color, there is no writer on earth who can match these wordsmiths.

Like Aurora 8 merino wool: it's offered in shades like Cadet, Persimmon, Aubergine, Seashell, and Cantelope. And Softly, a furry nylon that you can buy in Love Potion, Jealousy, and Belladonna. 1824 wool, named for its gauge (18 stitches and 24 rows to 4 inches), doesn't have a single blase shade in inventory; it comes in Mallow, Raisin, Nectar, Dijon, Thyme, Oyster, Macaw, Damson, Heath and Charcoal, to name a few.

There are wool colors named after famous artists, gemstones, celebrities, earth elements, cities, and foods. The palettes and textures are like drugs for the eyes already, but the names make you want to haul out the credit card so you can purchase 10 skeins of Renoir or Beach Glass or Popsicle. The nice thing about Patternworks is that their products are as good or better than what you see online or in the catalog.

Other sources for unique color words: Paint chip charts and booklets (available at places like Lowe's and Home Depot) -- these can give you a new universe of words for white and pastel colors -- as wells as shades of embroidery floss, tile, wallpaper, and drapery samples, and labels on the bolts of cloth in fabric stores.

Freebie

Smithsonian magazine will be celebrating their 35th anniversay by offering loyal readers and a guest free admission on one day, April 30, 2005, to over 460 participating museums and cultural institutions across the U.S. The full list of the participants, along with the card-pass you need to get in free, will be in Smithsonian's April '05 issue. You can also check out the list of participants by state here.

Dream On

Thanks for the e-mails. We're all okay. Mike got his cast off, but the bone is only at 75%, so he has another four weeks in the chair. His Dad is in fine shape. I'm feeling pretty optimistic about my turn tomorrow.

Everything else . . . well, I've been listening to a lot of Aerosmith. They've long been one of my favorite bands. So much so that this webblog came pretty close to being named Dream On.

I first heard Dream On* the same year I started writing novels, which was -- God -- thirty-one years ago. Since that summer I've probably worn out about a hundred copies of it. I just listened to it an hour ago, as I was driving back from taking the kids to school.

Dream On is not a pretty or happy song. It's a reality check, a comfort, and a warning, all rolled into one. It was the song that defended me against disco and wrap around skirts and Farah hair. It got me through some dark times. I know, it may not rank very high on the Musical History Lists, but it spoke to me. With music, that's all that matters.

If Paperback Writer makes me laugh at myself, then Dream On holds me together. I think everyone should have a song like that.

*You youngsters who have never heard the song can watch and listen to Steven Tyler's live performance of it here, with orchestra in the background, about halfway down the page. Loads nicely even on dial-up.

Deadlines

Yesterday was not a good day for anything but writing, so last night I finished the third book of the year. Needs a final read-through, but it's in decent shape.

Today I go to the bone doc with my son, and see how the fracture looks. If it hasn't healed, we're looking at a third cast or surgery. My son has been in a wheelchair for about two months now, and I have a whole new respect for the handicapped and what they have to deal with out in public.

While we're doing that, his father will be fifty miles away having his four month post-op check. He's fine so there shouldn't be any scares there.

Thursday I go back for my fourth go-round with my doc, which may or may not be the last, depending on how everything has healed.

Not a good week to be depressed and angry, so I'm going down to the lake as soon as humanly possible to hang out with the birds and do some meditating. I have some letters to write, and some Chinese brocade to play with, too. I'm going to make a new tablecloth, now isn't that riveting? It's just nonstop glamour around here.

Life goes on, even when we're diminished by something terrible and sad, something that makes us so angry we don't trust ourselves to speak to our friends. Life is like that.

Gone

I just heard about the death of writer Hunter S. Thompson from Chris Locke, aka Rageboy. He has a memorial post here.

I don't know what to write.

Ten Things That Happened at My Booksignings

1. I met a Very Famous Author's ex, who decided to confide in me. A lot.

Some pretty decent stuff, too. The lives I could ruin . . .

2. I was asked what I saw when I was assigned to Area 51. When I said that I had never been there or worked there, I was accused of being part of a military conspiracy.

The manager rescued me and escorted the deranged gentleman out of the store.

3. I was cornered in the ladies room by two lady fans, one of whom hugged me so hard my neck cricked.

After that, I learned to go before or hold it.

4. A woman handed me her infant so she could get my book out of her purse, and the baby's diaper was leaking.

It was only a silk suit.

5. A fan who was also a cop ran my tags to see if I really was the S.L. Viehl. Then he told me, just in case I was worried.

Be nice to your cop readers. They can be spooky, and they carry weapons.

6. An ex-boyfriend showed up after twenty years to tell me he should have married me instead of dumping me for the Girl Most Likely to Do Everyone. He's in insurance now and has four kids.

I would like to point out that I did not fervently thank God until after he left.

7. Another author spit in my face. Accidentally.

That's what he said, anyway.

8. I had a sudden, violent reaction to my arthritis medication and ran into the closest room, the manager's office, to throw up in her trash can. She thought it was nerves and offered to cancel the booksigning.

I cleaned up the mess, went to gargle (she had a little sample thing of mouthwash in her purse) and went back to the signing.

9. I received two dozen blazing orange roses in a Chinese vase and a lovely but cryptic note card from someone who felt I had done something wonderful for them.

Never found out what I'd done, or who I'd done it to. Anyone want to confess yet?

10.

Yeah, but I made her wear that dress.

Rep Me

Mad Max responds to M.J. Rose's latest post and talks about letting authors deal with sales reps versus keeping them in the dark.

I'm the last author on earth that you'd think a publisher would let talk to a sales rep, right? Wrong. I talk to them all the time. When I do, I know that I represent both my work and the company that publishes it, and conduct myself accordingly. I always tell the publisher about the contacts and copy them on everything, because they should know what an author is telling their buyers.

Example: the buyer I referred to in this post contacted me directly. I had a friendly exchange with the buyer and copied my editor on everything. My editor and I discussed how best to respond to the buyer's requests. My editor wanted me to jump my schedule and present the next novel in the series. I disagreed and suggested that we stick to our plan. There is nothing that turns off an interested buyer faster than a rush job. Also, I have confidence in the work, as well as the level of interest. It'll all still be there in eight weeks, when we're actually ready to present the next novel. My editor agreed with my logic and went with my advice (yes, that does happen. The writer/editor relationship never has to be a one-way street.)

As to whether authors should be permitted to have regular contact with the sales reps, I think that should be up to the sales reps. Otherwise they're going to spend more time answering e-mails and calls and less time selling our books.

Ice Skates, Anyone?

Upon joining the ranks of SF authors, I was informed that a certain honor would never be paid to a certain female author in the genre. Putting SF on the NYT BSL was a bad thing, you see. One cannot be so vulgar as to write SF that actually sells well. Also, there has always been that question as to whether she genuinely qualifies as a SF writer, because there was all that Other Stuff in her books.

No, I was told, The Organization had its standards to think of, and unless a catastrophic event of mythic proportions occurred, this author would never ever ever be recognized for her career achievements. I think her work is brilliant, myself, but then, what do I know? I was silly enough to resign from that unprofessional bunch of morons organization.

So? Why didn't one of you guys e-mail and tell me that Hell had gone and frozen over?

Congratulations, Anne McCaffrey.

FreeLinks

Links to freeware and free trial version software of interest to writers: Abiword, Active Tree Notes, Acute Notes, Aviz Thought Mapper, Book Writer, Browzer Books Art Pac, Cliche Cleaner, EBook Compiler, Manuscript Tracking, NotesPad Text Editor, Rhyme, Spell Magic, Stay Connected, StoryMind.com's free trial versions of Story Weaver, Dramatic Pro, and Movie Magic, Word Sorter, WordWeb, Write It Now, and Yankee Clipper.

Another linking-large site, Writers Free Reference lives up to its handle with a terrific assortment of reference links on just about everything.

Burdens

Those of you who are squeamish might want to skip this post.

Back in the days when I earned my living scraping what was left of bad drivers and drunks out of wrecked cars, my partner and I responded to a two-car on a residential street. Residentials are always worse than highways because the public has instant access, and city cops may or may not know how to secure a scene (while troopers always know.)

The accident turned out to be a nasty head-on between a compact car and a ton and a half truck. Compact driver was dead on scene, and fire rescue was already dealing with the trucker. My partner spotted the cause of the accident when he pointed to the tail end of a motorcycle, driver still attached, sticking out from under the compact.

My partner was a big guy, so it was up to me to crawl down and check the victim. Body was a mess, but most bike accidents don't result in an open-casket funeral. Problem was, the biker was missing his helmet. He was also missing his head.

Decapitations were pretty common in the days before the air bag, so it wasn't a huge shock or anything. What jolted me was that the helmet and head weren't under the car. They were nowhere to be seen.

By this time cars were lining up on both sides of the street, hoping to cruise by for a peek. Neighbors, morning coffee cups in hand, packed the sidewalks. A news van was setting up a tripod not thirty feet from the compact, and another was parking. The cops on the scene were busy fussing with barricades and flares.

I told my partner, who guarded the compact while I casually strolled along the curbs, looking for the guy's head. Onlookers always want to talk to you (What happened? I smell gasoline. Is that woman dead?) so I had to dodge them. I also kept an eye on the reporters, who would decaptitate each other for a chance to get the head on film for all the next of kin to see.

Finally I found him, nested between weed clumps in someone's side yard, still neatly packed inside his largely intact helmet. I picked him up by the chin strap and tucked him, end-up so he wouldn't drip, under my arm. My jacket sleeve covered most of him. Then I casually walked back, nodded to my partner, and put the head in the back of our unit.

I never found out who the biker was. I can tell you that he was young, late twenties to early thirties. I don't know if he had children, but he wore a wedding ring. I didn't find out if he had indeed caused the accident. I didn't look at his face. By that time I had learned what I needed to carry away from the job, and what I needed to leave behind.

I don't have nightmares about him because, believe it or not, that's one of my good stories.

Working in writing and publishing remind me a lot of those days. They couldn't be more different, and yet in ways the jobs are remarkably similar. In this industry, you can be a rubbernecker, a glory hound, or a cop trying to control a scene that is uncontrollable. Or you can do your job, clean up what you can, and at the end of your shift, walk away.

Involvement

My editor called me the other day about the simple, dignified cover art I'd requested, and told me what they had in mind for the novel. Their idea is not simple, and judging by the description, probably not real dignified, either. Did I call that one right, or what?

The editor and the production people do want me to be happy about the cover art, but they also have to sell their product. Guess what takes priority. Also, I know I'm too close to this novel, in an over-protective, snarling mother tiger baring fangs sense. Pretty much nothing is going to make me happy. I told the editor this and asked her to do whatever they think is best.

That ends my involvement in the production of this novel.

I think authors should be included in the production process, because we know the novel better than anyone on the publishing side, but I also think there are times when we need to step to the sidelines. Not every author is comfortable with letting go like this, so this is a personal call.

I know this particular novel is one of the best books I've written. A lot of readers are waiting for it. Whatever ends up on the cover won't change what I wrote, or what they read. It might affect my new reader sales, it might not. Who can say? Either way, this time, I'm staying out of it.

Pitch Tools

To write your novel, you have to know the story. To sell the novel, you must condense that knowledge into a pitch. Novelists are generally not blessed by the Brevity Fairy, which is why book proposals and synopses are so universally despised.

There are techniques that help a writer organize novel info, summarize it and build a decent pitch. Practice using catch phrases, buzz words and other premise-makers to hone your pitching skills. Internet marketing author Joe Bingham has a good article about catch phrases here, and Bombshell author Carol Stephenson has one on romance buzz words here.

These are some writer exercises and examples I've used in classes and workshops to teach the art of less is more:

1. Write a classified ad selling your novel.

Dark hi-speed killride: Nightmares, get real in this standalone urban fantasy novel, 150,000 words, drifter female mechanic/mystic protag, present-day Chicago/otherworld settings, apocalyptic stakes. Seatbelts and safeties have been removed.

2. Make up a motto based on your novel theme.

Life isn't Death's bitch anymore

3. Describe your novel in 15 words or less.

Aggressive aquatic pilot/gunner guarding troubled peace summit must avert diplomatic assassination and interstellar war.

4. Write a personal ad for your hero or heroine.

Not Desperately Seeking Anyone: 35 y.o. swm, 6'5, 230 lbs., Fire Marshall of New Orleans, serious, GQ dresser, sometimes grim, hard worker, temporarily living at home with wealthy parents, tired of beautiful, empty-headed socialites. Chasing an arsonist/mass murderer who has vowed to kill everyone I love, so discretion a must. No cops.

5. Come up with a single hook line that describes the opening of your novel.

All I was trying to do when they caught me was bury my mother in an unmarked grave.

News

MM Viagra: Some folks in the industry plan to upsize paperbacks in order to boost dwindling mass market sales. Brava is already putting out their books in trade editions for $7.99 US; the books have larger fonts and are definitely easier to read. I'd go talk to those folks.

Deliver Us Not and Get Sued: Random House is taking legal action against rapper P. Diddy for failing to deliver the autobiography for which they paid him a $300,000.00 advance back in 1998. Diddy's deadline was in 1999. Suggestion: Maybe next time you should get him to submit a couple of chapters first, see if he can actually write?

Op3

Third session done, one or two more to go. I had to drive around for an hour before I went in to have the work done; calm the nerves, shake off the worst of the dread. I brought some wool and a hook with me, and that helped. Crochet is a great fear-management activity. I've been crocheting since I was five and unlike knitting, I don't have to look or count anymore, so it's kind of mindless. It relaxes everyone working on you, too. Much more so than when you use your nails to rip off the vinyl coverings on the arm supports.

It didn't hurt so much after this time. I think I'm healing better between sessions, or maybe I'm getting used to it. I love my doc, and I think he's done great work on me, but I'll be glad when we're through and I don't have to play good patient anymore. 'Cause I'm not.

Swans & Rats

Michael Allen, aka Grumpy Old Bookman, has made his book On the Survival of Rats in the Slush Pile available as a free .pdf download here. It's a brisk download; about 72 pages long.

I won't agree, disagree or otherwise comment on his views. I do think it's an interesting read, though, thus the link.

Authority

Many moons ago, I was interested in writing historical novels. When I asked a very qualified authority on the genre about it, and showed some of my prelim historical work, I was told that it was a waste of my time and that I should never try to write historicals.

"It's not your voice," Authority said. "Stick to SF and contemporary fiction."

I figured Authority knew more than me and abandoned the idea of writing historicals.

Last year, I was asked to pitch some historical novels. "It's not my voice" I told my agent, "but I'd like to try pitching anyway. That way, when they do have something that's more suitable for me, they'll ask me again." I had fun putting together the proposal, but I honestly thought the publisher would tell me no thanks.

I sold three novels off the first pitch.

I wrote the first book, still thinking, This is not my voice. Everyone is going to hate it. The manuscript went straight to copy-edit, no revisions requested. The copy-edit was so light the editor and I did it over the phone. My agent and I are now discussing a big single title historical and a series I'd like to pitch. A series I never thought I would write, because I have it on excellent Authority that it's not my voice.

I don't know precisely why Authority told me I couldn't write historicals. I have some ideas, but I don't want to know I'm right about them. I'd rather preserve the last few good thoughts I have about Authority. Authority was also my friend, once upon a time, or I'd like to keep deluding myself that Authority was.

You may do the same thing someday, and your red flags should pop up when an authority says "Never" or "You can't." Unless laws are going to be broken, following that kind of advice is giving someone else blanket permission to censor and control your work. It's like going to the doctor. Get a second and third opinion. Ask questions. Don't blindly follow authority. Challenge it.

Overage

Mad Max's spin on the current industry whining about "too many books" being published.

Any published writer who whines about too much competition being the reason they're not on the NYT BSL...do I actually have to explain this? Christ.

There will never be too many books. In fact, there aren't enough. It's become next to impossible for the aspiring writers to get into print. We need more, not less, publishers accepting unagented submissions. We need agents willing to gamble on a writer who doesn't show up with contract in hand. We always, always, always need new blood, because the old blood gets complacent too fast and starts talking about how they'd thin out the herd. Like now.

Compete or die.

Novel III: Outlining

Outlining is not writing a novel; it's preparation and organization of the elements of a novel. You need not outline to write a novel; plenty of writers don't. If you want to sell your novel, you will need a synopsis to show along with some chapters. Outlining allows you to write an a more effective synopsis.

What follows is how I outline. This may make things easier or jam you up. Use only what works for you.

The two novel elements that go into an outline are characters and plot. Like the nouns and verbs that go into making a sentence, characters and plot are the novel. Setting, motivation, timeline, story styling and whatever else you've got in mind aren't necessary right now; they're the adverbs, adjectives, conjunctions, etc. that you'll use to enhance the nouns and verbs. Put all that stuff to one side of your head; focus only on the group of characters that populate your story and what they do.

Characters: write a list of their names, and leave some line room to write beside each name. For each name, list assets, flaws, and the problems (I use no more than three of each) this character has. If you have trouble deciding, use a character outline sheet to get to know your character before you outline the novel, or read this workshop article Holly wrote on character creation.

My advice about characters: you should always know more about them than the reader will.

Once you've got your cast mapped out, look at them. Remember that interesting people are unique people. Could any of the characters swap places without a hitch? If yes, then you need to rework some of them. Can you see characters who are going to naturally like or dislike each other, no matter what your plans are? Note that; it will have an impact on how they relate to each other during the novel.

Plot: in simple language, write out the main plot of your novel. The way I do it is to list the five main events of the novel down the center of the page, and then on the side list what happens in between those five events. To give you a visual that doesn't involve my lousy handwriting, my plot list looks a bit like this.

If you're not sure how to plot, Holly has a great article on it here. My advice on plotting: have fun with it and you'll make it fun to write.

Once you have all the plot on paper, examine it the same way you did your characters. A very linear plot may make it easier for you to write the story, but the book is probably going to be predictable and dull for the reader. An extremely complicated plot, on the other hand, will make the novel hard for the reader to follow. You want a not-too-straight, not-too-kinky plot. Also, does the story plot serve the characters you've just outlined? If it's all about one of them and the other thirty-five are going to be sitting around and watching the one, then maybe you should rework the plot to better use that lovely cast you've just created.

Once you've nailed the characters and the plot, then you can get into making lists and outlines of the other elements like setting and motivation and what have you. This is story decorating to me and I'm not into it, so I write only what I absolutely need to flesh out the novel, usually in shorthand prompts that remind me of the main points.

When I'm done the outline, I'm ready to pitch.

Love Ten

Ten Things to Love About Valentine's Day

1. Minimal decorating required.

2. No lying to children involved.

3. Chocolate delivered in heart-shaped containers.

4. Too cold for a pool party.

5. Men usually have to watch at least one chick flick before midnight.

6. Roses, roses, roses.

7. Got a November birthday? You were probably conceived today.

8. The one day of the year that romance doesn't get dissed.

9. You won't need the electric blanket tonight.

10. We celebrate the only thing we do right.

BlogSongs

I named this weblog after a Beatles tune that my old high school boyfriend used to play when we were zipping around town in his MG. It's wicked, funny, and reminds me to laugh at myself.

Other writers and their weblogs remind me of different songs I like. Sometimes it's the presentation, or what the owner writes, but more often I think it's just a sense of the other person that comes through in their work.

Not all song titles would make good weblog names (If I renamed Holly's weblog based on the music she makes me think of, hers would be Bach: Prelude to Suite No. 1 in G Major, BWV 1007 [Yo-Yo Ma].)

Using songs to name something is a good writer exercise, especially if you have trouble thinking up titles. Not that I would (cough) presume to rename anyone's weblog, but here are some examples, with corresponding weblogs and artists:

Amazing Grace (church hymn)
Dancing in the Dark (Bruce Springsteen)
Kiss from a Rose (Seal)
Rokudan* (Zumi-Kai)
Some Like It Hot (Powerstation)
Steel Bird (Ekova)
Strong Enough (Sheryl Crow)

*Actually this one doesn't make sense unless you take martial arts or speak Japanese; in English it means a 6th degree black belt

Lineage

The women in my family have always been renegades, as I was reminded again today.

My great-grandmother, Juanita, was a nurse to Rebel soldiers during and after the Civil War. I have her journals, a few photos of her with recovering wounded (mostly amputees) and a doll that she gave me. The only book she ever read was the Bible. One time, when we were sitting together in the back of a big car, she told me that she knew when she was going to die. It was the same day she gave me the doll. She scared the daylights out of me so we didn't talk much. She died of a stroke.

My grandmother, Steve, helped GreatGran and her siblings survive during the Depression by cutting off her hair, dressing as a boy and getting a job pumping gas and fixing cars. Her real name was Thelma, but she was Steve from that time on. She loved politics and followed them avidly. She nursed my invalid grandfather for twenty years. She also continued cross-dressing, in a more restrained sense, until she died when I was seventeen. She was a poet, an artist, and the most intelligent woman I've ever known. I will forever worship the ground my grandmother walked on. She left me many things, including a letter that she wrote while she was dying of cancer. Cancer didn't get her, though; she committed suicide.

My mother, Joan, is still alive, and out of respect for her privacy, I don't talk about her life. Suffice to say, it also sucked. She was a Major in the Civil Air Patrol and helped to rescue downed planes in the Everglades. We've never had an easy relationship, Mom and me, but she is the strongest and most courageous woman I know. She writes Christian humor and is a talented speaker. She doesn't think I'd set myself on fire for her, but I would. In the same way I worshipped Gran, my daughter worships Mom. Not counting a bad hip, Mom is in fairly good health and I pray she'll hang around for a few more decades.

Each of these women shaped me, and there is no one I respect more. So much of me belongs to them.

My daughter is a golden-haired, long-legged, pretty-much-everything-I-wanted-to-be kid (takes after Dad, not Mom.) She's funny, brilliant, and compassionate. She likes animals and insects a little more than people. She has hand-tamed countless lizards and snakes, and is doing things on her computer that dumbfound me. She grew up with only brothers so she's a bit of a tomboy, and nearly fearless. She will not hesitate to punch out a bully. Her oddest habit is that at any given meal, she always wants some of my food, even if we're eating the same thing -- and only my food, no one else's. She lives in her own world much of the time, but we're always welcome to join her. Like any mother, I would happily die for her.

This afternoon I went to church, and lit a candle for Gran, whose last letter came to me twenty-five years ago today. I imagined a future when my daughter or granddaughter, God willing, might do the same for me, and wonder if I'm in a good place, and will they see me again when it's their time to go.

Gran, I love you. I miss you still.

Hulkalinks

Ten Things for the Writing Link Addicts

1. John J. Beslanwitch's General Writing Resources.

2. Terry W. Burns' Library of Links.

3. Ralan Conley's Writer Links.

4. Margaret Fisk's Favorite Links.

5. David Graham's Poetry Link Sites.

6. Holly Lisle's Writers Index.

7. H. Thomas Milhorn's Fiction Writer's Super Site.

8. OneLook's General Dictionary Sites.

9. Pen and Sword's Useful and Interesting Links.

10. Yahoo's Humanities > Literature List of Lists.

Alas

Sorry, nothing scandalous or bile-provoking to offer you today. If you're stopping in only for that, check out the archives; I'm sure you'll find something appropriately aggravating.

Hang on, this might encourage some acid reflux: A major buyer read IAB, loved it, and is now getting behind the book. Upped the chain's order and plans to promote the novel, front of the store, that kind of thing. I'd give you more details but this is new territory for me, so I don't know all that will happen. My editor seemed pretty happy about it. I'm happy I got there on the strength of the work.

On the juggling front, I'm midway through writing the third novel of the year, about finished a copy-edit, and looking at revisions that just arrived. I have to outline a fourth, which I'll start in a week, and put together a proposal on a fifth, sixth and seventh. The desk is getting stacked.

Editor also wants my ideas for cover art, always a fun e-mail to write. You can't say things like "Keep the skimpy spandex off my protagonist" or "Please note: there are no transvestite cetaceans in this novel." I'll probably say what I always say -- I'd like something simple and dignified -- and I won't get it. I don't ask them to keep my bad luck color, yellow, off my covers anymore. Last time I did, I got a yellow cover.

Propaganda

I've been watching another author's blog for a couple of months now, in a recreational sense. I'm counting how many times the author pimps, posts glowing reviews of, or otherwise centers a blog post desperately selling the marvelous aspects (too numerable to mention, natch) of the latest published novel.

The book has been the topic 28 times in January, and 7 since the beginning of February. I can't count the book-related links, my calculator doesn't have that many places. The cover art for this book has been slapped onto the blog template as well, so it's in your face everytime you go there. Just in case you didn't read the last entry about how much [insert important reviewer entity name] loved it.

Really dedicated propaganda effort, too. Used car salesman quality. How the hell do you think of that much to say about your own novel? But the desperation is sad. Tempts one to post a comment on the blog, like Dude, we get that you published a novel and everybody loves it. You'll sell. Relax.

Stuff like that makes me feel incredibly lazy. Lemme give it a shot: I have a book coming out this month that I can't talk about, but RT gave it four stars. (tossing virtual confetti) ARCs for If Angels Burn are out, and my agent tells me we've got initial orders of 55K, which is right where I want to be. There, done. (shooing hands) Go out and buy my books; Katherine needs braces.

I've been out buying books, too. Holly has half a shelf of her own at my local B&N, until I got there and made it her own shelf. :) They're stocking all of the Secret Texts and World Gate books, which makes it really convenient when I want to buy a set for a friend.

Don't tell Locus, but I picked up a copy of Tam's Ghosts in the Snow, and I'm reading it after the current copy-edit is out of here. Faced-out all the copies of it at our local B&N and Borders.

Alison, you like own the chick lit/erotica center-aisle trades table at my B&N. Nice display of your two latest novels in the SG-5 series on the top shelf, right at customer eye level. They stocked all five of the SG-5 series novels in romance, with them shelved in both the mass markets and the romance trades section, so you're all over the damn store. I like being able to buy all the books in a series at once, so Bravo, Brava.

News

We're not Going to Make a Lot of Money, Okay?: Borders has, for various reasons, rewritten its profit forecasts. I'm sure the stockholders will likely appreciate more realistic projections versus Borders whipping out something else like the sluggish store traffic excuse when profits fail to materialize.

And I'm the Easter Bunny: News Corp. CEO Rupert Murdoch is in no hurry to snatch back the 17% of News Corp. shares from Liberty Media Corp. Uh-huh. People working for HarperCollins Publishing might be a bit twitchy this week; be nice to them.

Lit-heads, rejoice: Publishers expect the BBC1 "reading group" show Page Turners, which debuts in April, will follow in Oprah's book clubbing footsteps. Publishing moving into television is mildly depressing; I haven't watched it in seventeen or eighteen years now and I don't intend to start (was too busy reading books.)

Outrageous

I went public with PBW about a month ago. Seems longer, doesn't it? But up until the interview with Mad Max, I didn't publicize the weblog. People found their way here because they were friends or friends of friends. We tried to keep it secret, or as secret as you can on the internet without passwording it.

When I did go public, I was tempted to play nice. I can be a nice woman. Sometimes. Go on, wipe the beverage snort off your monitor. Maybe nice isn't the right word. My mother cursed me with that wretched word. I will forever think the epitome of anything is nice.

I'm not here to be loved. I'm here to write.

I journal online to talk about what it is to be a writer, and not to con you or ram one of my novels down your throat. You want the promo, you know where it is. There are enough pros out there who make only kissy noises about publishing so they can sell books and win awards. I had this outrageous analogy -- sweet one, too -- about this type of pro, but I won't use it. Let's just say, they have to swallow enough without getting it from me.

Bottom line, this is not a nice industry. Why else do you think I do so well in it?

If you're a writer and intend to make it your profession, you should go in armed with as much knowledge as you can collect. If I can contribute to that in any way, then you'll be better prepared than I was, and that's the point of the exercise. Saving you some scar tissue, and maybe a little wear and tear on the knees.

Now that I've bludgeoned this topic to a messy demise, a shout from the other side of the fence: Author Kate Rothwell has set up a site for a book reviews contest. Would that everyone who disagreed with me came up with such a creative and fun response. Kate, you want a donation for the contest? I'm good for books or some bucks, e-mail me.

Millions

One million is a quantity you rarely encounter in your own life, unless you have a bad infestation of ants, fleas, or mercenary ex-spouses. I've written over a million words each year since 2002. Sometime in March, I'll have a million books in print, which still seems rather surreal. Part of me doesn't believe it and wants a recount. Dead, I'm worth about two million, but only to my progeny and a couple of people who probably won't murder me.

Millions are out there, though, for those of you who want to chase them:

The National Academy of Engineering is offering a million dollar prize to anyone who can design and create a workable, sustainable, economical point-of-use water treatment for arsenic-contaminated groundwater, as found in Bangledesh, India, Nepal, and other developing countries. Given the point-of-use conditions, incorporating natural arsenic magnets like rusting iron or Chinese brake ferns might be your best bet. (via the print version of Discover magazine)

Jim Beam is offering a trip to the Indy 500 and if their sponsored driver, Dan Wheldon, wins, a million dollars. (via the Andretti family web site.)

Author Michael Stadther pulls the ultimate promo gimmick by offering seven lucky readers of his children's novel one million dollars in jewels, provided they participate in a treasure hunt based on the book and find they golden tokens he's hidden all over America. I also have it on good authority that Stadther does not employ midgets, and the rumors about some treasure hunters being drowned in rivers of chocolate and turning into giant blueberries are completely false.

BestShot

Volvo is running a contest you enter to win a suborbital flight with Virgin Galactic on a commercial passenger-carrying spaceship.

Yeah, this sounds like a great idea. And no, however much you want to, you can't enter me in the contest.

Educational

Lots of e-mails have come in responding to my Opinions post; many from disgruntled reviewers who feel they must now justify why they are entitled to make me read their reviews, and/or why they're qualified to teach me how to write novels. You guys really have to think up some new insults to hurl; sour grapes is so tired.

If you're expecting an apology, I wouldn't hold any inhalations. In fact, think of it this way: I gave you a little taste of what it's like to be in the published author's kitchen. If you can't take the heat, get out.

It's always amusing, though, to see reviewers respond to any criticism of what they do, isn't it? To feel so hurt, defensive, and outraged because PBW doesn't like them. Aw, geez, I was so mean, wasn't I? I fully expect the next five books I write will be completely trashed as a result. Btw, the SF and dark fantasy pseudonym is spelled V-i-e-h-l; try to get it right this time, huh?

Relief Ten

Ten Things to Appreciate about Writers

1. Our book jacket photo is never taken when we're writing in the nude.

2. Most of us don't demand walk-on parts in the movies based on our books.

3. Our loved ones regularly talk us out of getting gun permits.

4. After what happened to Sylvia Plath, we rarely mate with our own kind.

5. We'll never really find out who writes those PW reviews.

6. We hardly ever run for political office, and when we do, we generally lose.

7. Halle Berry will never have to dodge any of us on Oscar night.

8. Writing is our only true religion.

9. We can't get along with each other so we'll never have a decent union.

10. We'd like to run the world, but we're horrible with money, so we never will.