Ten Popular Romance Novels Myths, with Corresponding Truths
1. All a man has to do is tell a woman that he loves her and she believes him.
All a man has to do is pass a Wasserman and sign an iron-clad pre-nup, and I'll believe him. Maybe. Okay, a lie detector test may be required.
2. All the things women do are merely to fill in the time while they're waiting to fall in love and live happily ever after.
I'm sorry, but who ARE these women, and how soon can we build a time tunnel and send them back to the eighteenth century?
3. Application of whipped cream all over a partner's body is delicious bliss.
Look, it's messy. You're going to need a big plastic sheet for starters. And even if you scrub yourself for an hour with plenty of soap and hot water during the post-bliss shower, you will miss something and then smell like sour milk the next day.
4. Guys always carry protection and produce it when necessary.
I've never known a man to produce protection at the necessary moment, ever. In case I just have lousy taste in men, I also polled friends, and the consensus is that most guys don't carry any at all, but when asked about it they almost always counter with, "Why, don't you have any?"
5. It's wonderful and romantic to fall asleep in your lover's arms.
No, it's hot and uncomfortable to fall asleep with a two-hundred pound man wrapped around you and snoring in your ear (your lover size/septum condition may vary.)
6. Lovers wake up in the morning to exchange passionate kisses.
Lovers wake up with morning breath, and unless Listerine or Scope is first employed, avoid facetime.
7. Marriage is the ultimate expression of love.
Marriage fails, what, like 75% of the time now? Which maybe makes marriage the #1 love-terminator.
8. Satin sheets are sexy.
Satin sheets are slippery. I wouldn't do anything on them that requires leverage or traction.
9. The average number of intimate acts a couple shares together during one night is three or better.
One, definitely, two, possibly, three, just maybe. More than that (there is always Viagara and Speed, I suppose) and both parties risk exhaustion and friction injuries.
10. Women (decent) do not know how to perform oral sex.
Middle school girls (decent) practice how to do it with bananas at pajama parties. What, you thought they wanted them for snacks?
What myths have you discovered in romance novels? Share them in comments.