Sunday, November 23, 2008

Gift Pass Ten

Ten Things I Don't Want for Christmas

Anything Collectible: I am through collecting things other people want me to collect. Except hundred dollar bills. Those I still gladly accept.

Book Clip-on Lights: Friends and family love to give these to me, so I currently have one for just about every book I own, and maybe enough for all the books at the local library, too. Actually I think if I turned them all on I could single-handedly illuminate Cleveland.

Cosmetics: Under the sink I have forty-nine untouched jumbo all-in-one gifts sets of color-coordinated eye shadow, lip gloss, nail polish, blush and so forth. I'm allergic to all of them, plus the hypoallergenic makeup brands, too. You'll just have to deal with my freckles and flaws au naturale.

Cute Bookends: I know some folks think pudgy resin statues of moon-faced young children bending over to prop up things with their plump behinds are adorable, but having them do that to my books is really kinda creepy.

Infomercial Items: If a man with a beard or a bad tan screamed at you to buy it and get a second set for free (plus shipping) chances are it's going to end up in my Goodwill donation box, just like last year's lousy folding colanders (impossible to get clean), the roll-everywhere floor sweeper (the pet hair around here clogged it up in ten seconds flat) and the chocolate fountain (that was just plain cruel.)

Layered Mixes in a Mason Jar: I love to cook, which means I get about five thousand jars o' mixes a year. Every holiday, I swear, it's Mrs. P's Valentine cherry muffin mix in a jar or H.B.'s Easter Banger Soup Beans in a Jar. I don't celebrate holidays anymore; I'm too busy making the stuff in the gift jars. So if you genuinely want me to have chocolate chip cookies, please, bake them for me and bring them on a plate. I beg you.

Naughty Nighties: Look in the Fredrick's of Hollywood catalog. See any old, chubby white-haired chicks losing the battle with gravity modeling the black lace cat suits and the purple patent leather merry widow? No? I rest my case.

Small Appliances: I'm 47 years old. I have them all. Trust me.

Vampire Stuff: This is tricky, because I love vampire stories, so anything in the vampire fiction book department is okay (but unless it's romance, I've probably also read it.) But the vampire ephemera (capes, plastic fangs, posters, bloodstone pendants, gothwear, gory vampire flicks, Anne Rice before she got into Boy Jesus memorabilia, etc.) is not really my schtick.

Watches: I refuse to wear them. Out of maternal guilt, I keep the one the kids gave me for my birthday clipped around the strap of my purse. The one from last Christmas is at the bottom of my purse. The one from the birthday before that is in the glove compartment of my car. I'm running out of places to hide them.

What do I want, you ask? Peace on Earth would be nice.

What don't you want as a gift this holiday season?


  1. Anonymous12:17 AM

    No, I don't want any STAR TREK stuff.

    When I was into it, whatever I didn't own, I didn't want.

    And I'm no longer into it.

    In fact, I plan to see the new Star Trek movie on a Wednesday afternoon when no one is in the multiplex (assuming Harry Potter doesn't come out at the same time).

  2. fleece pajamas. the static buildup in those things is enough to catch my house on fire...

    or anything chenille (including crochet thread!!!). I have a toddler and having something in my house that you can't wash (washing by hand still causes Chenille threads to fall out) is a guarantee for disaster.

  3. Books. Can't stand them. ;)

  4. Actually I think if I turned them all on I could single-handedly illuminate Cleveland.

    We could use it this time of year. ;)

    I could really do without my neighbors, who hail from a small island nation, graciously sharing a plate from their Christmas dinner with me.
    It's not that I don't appreciate it--I most certainly do, it's a very kind and thoughtful gesture.
    It's just that, since I have yet to determine exactly what kind of meat's in there, and I like to know what I'm eating, and my suspicions were aroused when I caught the grandfather of the clan in my back yard with a slingshot, trying to nail a raccoon in one of my trees, I'd just as soon pass, thanksmuch.

  5. Exercise equipment. It just annoys me. Plus, we've got enough of the stuff to fill a garage already. Trust me on this one.

  6. Anonymous6:42 AM

    What don't I want for christmas?


    2) Clothes. (My family has the most HORRIBLE taste and in spite of plenty of evidence to the contrary, they still think I do too. The downside to being gay...;) )

    3) Calligraphy sets. (Thanks, but I can haz computer now.)

    4) Art sets. (I have NEVER painted. I never professed an interest in painting. As a kid, I drew cars. I used a pencil. I don't know why you think I'm an artiste...)

    5) Ingredients for christmas dinner. (What, are you implying I should cook you dinner? NOT gonna happen! Besides...I don't like artichokes.)

    6) Car care products/accessories. (NO! Please!

    7) Electronic thimgumabobs. (I haz computer, digital camera, cellphone. Seriously, what more do you need?)

    8) Books/Music in genres I don't enjoy. (Straight to the library they go)

    9) Christianny things. (I'm not a christian. I haven't been a christian for many years. Giving me bibles and gospel music and angelic stuff and bible study books is NOT going to turn me back. Stop doing it! I beg you!)

    What I DO want for christmas:

    1) Just my mate's arms around me, his loving presence close to me...yes. All I want for Christmas is just to be with him. That is all. *sigh* Not gonna happen though.

  7. Anything non-hypoallergenic. Srsly, folks, all I can do is look at it from afar....

    Anything non-edible (unless it's a book or a magazine subscription). Look around. Small house. Lotta crap.

    Clothes. They won't fit and I won't like them.


  8. Pretty much anything. I'm a gift-buyers nightmare, because if I want it, I buy it. If I can't buy it, chances are you (not you, personally, you understand, the proverbial gift-buyer you) can't either.

    Several times throughout the year, send me a letter telling me how things are going in your life. Or, barring that, do it in an email. Just be real, ok? I'd love to hear about you and your family -- not the forwarded chain email that tells me how much I mean to you and the rest of your address book you sent it to. But you and your day-to-day boringness in life. It's interesting to me, because it's about you. And we're supposed to be friends or family. Tell me friend or family stuff. That's all I want. For the price of a couple of stamps a year or a few heart-felt emails, I'd be thrilled.

  9. Perfume/Fragrance. I like to pick my own smell. A few years ago my parents gave me the scent I wore when I was 20 because "You used to like this."

    I'm 44 and believe it or not, I do not want to smell 20.

  10. I was going to say fruitcake, but if they're soaked in alcohol, maybe not such a bad idea...

  11. There's a new Star Trek coming out? Boy am I otta the loop. But then I don't feel the loss.

    I don't want stuff!

    Just because I like to bake doesn't mean I need a ton of rubbery bake pans to replace all my 'working just fine' Calphalon.
    And I don't need yet another bunt pan in some odd shape like a sandcastle.

    I ask for and now receive at Christmas - B&N gift certificates. I like books (okay, love books). It's what I want. Problem is there are never any books out in December. They all show up from March to October. So no titles to tell people. Just give me the money. I usually make them last till about June. So I think of the people who give them half the year. :)

  12. I have an Amazon wishlist and an ironclad rule: if you can't be arsed to spend five minutes looking at that and picking something (if you don't know the books and CDs, go by pricetag) don't bother to give me anything at all. Definitely not kitsch figures and no Fabio cover romances, my not so dear SiL.

    If I need something that's not books, CDs or DVDs, I'll talk to my father who's the only one unsentimental enough to think it's ok to discuss Christmas or birthday presents and find something that fits.

    If I'm desperate for a surprise, I can buy one of those Kinder eggs. :D

  13. Anything my family picks out themselves. I purposely refrain from buying certain DVDs during the year just so I can put them on my family Christmas list. Friends get a little more leeway. A little.

  14. Christmasy kitch stuff.

    Christmas tree shaped candles, plastic reindeer night-light covers, manicure/pedicure sets with cute little penguine illustrations. Santa stockings in felt. Elf socks knitted with some non-breatheable elasticize cheaply dyed material, mistleto brooches, and jiggle-bell earrings.

    Please, no more. I've gotten all these gifts and I wonder why. There's is nothing about me in daily life that would suggest any of these gifts would be appealing to me. If you're on a gift budget, just get me a box of Turtles or a just a card, or giftcert to the bookstore or movies, or I'd never turn down some baked goods (cookies, brownies, lemon squares, cupcakes, etc). Seriously

    The one exception to the Christmas kitch presents is flannel pjs. I love the Xmas print pjs. (Right now I'm wearing an old pair, blue with a snowmen and snowflakes print). I get a pair every Christmas. :-D

  15. Pajamas. I hate being hot when I sleep and even in the dead of winter I sleep in a tank top. I'm 30 years old so giving me fuzzy pajamas with kittens on them means that you either think of me like I'm 8 or 80. It's rather insulting either way. And I already have like a dozen sets that people have given me. I don't know why. I've never once asked for pajamas. I'm not in the habit of wearing them in front of friends and family. Don't know why they think I need a new set every year. I'm good really. Just in case I age 50 years over night, I'm set. Really. I am.

  16. Anonymous11:00 AM

    Anything Collectible: I am through collecting things other people want me to collect. Except hundred dollar bills. Those I still gladly accept.

    But...but...but....not even the fifty's or twenty's? Darn it and here I had yours already planned out. :-)

    As for me - NO CLOTHES! My sister is a clothes horse, not me. I like my comfortable clothes, and IF/WHEN I need something I'll get it and it'll be in the correect size too!

    Keita I'm sorry your mate won't be able to fulfill your wish. Hopefully it'll happen soon and Christmas delayed is still Christmas.

    K bloger not liking me today, trying other ID

  17. I obviously have a good family for present buying - that or they are technologically advanced enough to a) buy stuff from my amazon wishlist and b) email other people to tell them what's on my amazon wishlist.

    But! Bath stuff I don't like - because I don't take baths. Shower stuff is great, bath stuff no.

  18. If someone wants to give me a holiday gift, anything would be fine.

    But what I DON'T want for Christmas is the same thing that no writer wants!

    I don't want another rejection slip.

  19. I don't want bath stuff or anything else with artificial fragrances. Natural soaps are great because I can use them for the sink or shower, but I don't have a bathtub and scented things like bath salts and candles give me migraines.

  20. I loved reading everyone's Not Wish Lists!

    As for me, no knick knacks! Anything that requires a flat surface to set it on, that requires dusting, etc., just put it down. Put it back on the shelf!

    Anything useful is OK, and books are always welcome, of course!

    We have traditional gifts in my family--everyone gets at least one book, a calendar, a CD, and a DVD.

  21. No coffee! Who keeps telling the kids that all their teachers want coffee?! Yes I stay up late grading papers. But I buy the coffee I like--Bustelo. The stuff the kids give me piles up in my pantry, year after year.

    No cologne, no scented soap, no potpourri, no candles, nothing smelly! Uck! I'm allergic to just about every scent, but even if I weren't, this stuff just stinks!

  22. Anonymous12:12 PM

    Please, no more "Number One Teacher" coffee mugs, ornaments, sweatshirts or figurines. I'm the library attendant these days, not a teacher, but even when I WAS teaching, I groaned to see that stuff under the wrapping.

    Misty :)

  23. Absolutely Brilliant, My sentiments exactly~

  24. Christmas decorations. I can decorate our house about 5 times over already. And I only ever put out the stuff that I bought. Really, I'm picky about what my house looks like. And it doesn't look like last year's clearance bin at the dollar store.

    Country craftsy things, especially painted wooden animals holding signs. Funny that the people who gift these things have all been to my house, and seen my decorating style, which is NOT country craftsy. And yet, they don't take a hint...

    Clothing without a gift receipt (or from a store that doesn't exist near me). *I* can rarely just pick something off a rack and have it actually fit me. Add other people's questionable taste in colors...(yellow-greens do NOT look good on extremely fair-skinned blue-eyed blondes!)

    Huge gaudy jewelry. I have a particular style. It doesn't involve huge and gaudy. Also, refer to my first comment about the clearance rack at the dollar store...

    Its not that I like only expensie presents. But I'd rather have one $20 gift that is something that I might be able to actually use (and enjoy using), rather than 20 pieces of junk that I will just toss in the garage sale pile...

  25. Anonymous3:08 PM

    I don't want to do what I did last year- go to a quaint little church to sing carols on Christmas eve to be told that I'm going to hell. What a downer that was!


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