Saturday, December 08, 2007


You know you're a writer when:

1. "After I Make it Big in Publishing" is the title of your most important wish list.

1. Buy Porsche. 2. Get tummy tuck. 3. Acquire mute Swedish mistress.

2. Anyone who screws up the title of your novel is immediately labeled an idiot, pretty much forever.

It's StarDoc. Not Space Doc, not Starbuck, not Star Rock, and certainly not Space Balls. Moron.

2a. You have screwed up the title of another writer's novel.

Douglas Clegg and Kris Reisz were very nice about it, though.

3. At some point in your relationship you've called your significant other by a character name.

Oh, yes, Jack, yes, oh God, that's so good baby I love you so much Jack I need y-- hey, Harold honey, where are you going?

4. Every member of your family has at least one manuscript copy of your first finished novel. Your mother still brings it out like a newborn grandchild to show relatives visiting from out of town.

Here, be careful when you hold it -- it weighs seven pounds, can you believe that? And there's typing on every single one of those pages!

5. People who don't own any books confuse you.

And you mean you're really not blind, dyslexic, or allergic to spine glue?

6. Sean Lindsay can't piss you off.

Oh, he's talking about all those poser writers, not me, heh heh heh.

6a. Sean Lindsay has pissed you off.

I know he's talking about me this time. Bastard.

7. You use character and plot problems as an excuse for messing up in real life.

Darling, I know that I burned dinner, but Alexandra had to perform a major reattachment surgery with a pocket sewing kit, a bottle of Merlot and a couple of votive candles while she told Michael the big you-know-what.

8. Your favorite joke is the one about Dan Brown, Stephen King, James Patterson or J.K. Rowling.

Okay, so Dan Brown is stranded in the desert, and the camel dealer won't take credit cards, so he trades a copy of The DaVinci Code for his cheapest camel, and then . . .

9. Your office trash can is overflowing with crumpled-ball versions of the following: the bestseller lists from the last six Sunday papers, nineteen drafts of your latest query letter, and forty-two copies of the first page of your WIP, all of which have three lines or less printed on them.

One more time. Okay. It was a dark and stormy . . . Gaaaa!

10. You've no problem adding something to this list in comments.



  1. 11. When you forgo wallpaper in the dining room in favor of storyboards.

    12. When your friends only tell you funny stories after you promise that you won't use it in a book and don't let them see you've crossed your fingers.

  2. 11. When your wife leaves you alone to work because someone's actually paying you to write.

  3. Anonymous2:14 AM

    5a. People who don't own books might confuse you, except you can't believe any such people actually exist.

  4. You know you're a writer when:

    It takes you a few moments to respond when someone calls you by your real name, rather than your pseudonym. :-/

  5. 11. Your mother calls you up every time she reads an article about a writer in your genre in the Times, and asks if you know so-and-so.

    12. If above-mentioned writer is cute, she asks if you can introduce her to him.

    13. You don't feel like a horrible poser saying 'I have a date with my agent in the city', anymore.

    14. You don't take your mother with you anymore when you go meet your agent in the city - ever since she leaned over the table and said, "So, how many editors have my daughter's book right now and when are they going to start the bidding war?" but your agent politely asks about her anyway.

  6. You know you're a writer when:

    11) You roll your eyes and think, "Writers make time!" at people who tell you, "Oh, I love to write, but I just can't find the time."

    "Your favorite joke is the one about Dan Brown, Stephen King, James Patterson or J.K. Rowling"

    Is there such a joke? If yes, I'm dying to hear it. If no, I'm still dying to hear it. Someone should make one up.

  7. Anonymous7:43 AM

    You know you're a writer when it's plot problems keeping you awake, instead of normal things like teething babies, bills or some upcoming meeting.

  8. You know you're a writer when you stop reading a book halfway through and finish it YOUR way....

  9. You know you're a writer when your child asks who you're talking to and you have to admit it's either: a) yourself or b) an imaginary person in your head.

    B. Give yourself extra points if you were arguing with yourself or an imaginary person when you got caught.

  10. People look at you like you've lost your mind when you complain that your characters aren't doing what they are supposed to.

    She sat in an evil chair!?!? What the heck am I supposed to do now?

  11. Anonymous10:56 AM

    11. When a plot problem haunts your every waking and sleeping moment.

    11a. When your family shakes their heads and sigh when you say "I've figured it OUT!" You take off to the office and they finish whatever you'd been in the middle of doing.

    11b. When you're staring off into space and the hubby comes up to you, says one word, and then sighs. "You're working, I'll be back later." ROFL.

  12. Anonymous1:27 PM

    5. People who don't own any books confuse you

    Yes! It makes me terribly uncomfortable just to spend time in a house in which books aren't in evidence. How can people stand not having books around?

  13. #2a: You consider disowning your father when he continues to call your WIP by its working title.

  14. "Your favorite joke is the one about Dan Brown, Stephen King, James Patterson or J.K. Rowling"

    Which genre?

  15. 15. Sean Lindsay is talking about you in particular.

    16. You listen to newbies and writing students whine about how hard it all is, and wonder if they're breathing the same air as you.

    17. You accept that all that's separating you from Stephen King, Jo Rowling, Dan Brown and James Patterson is luck, and talent.

    (My word verification for this comment is an anagram of 'suck arse'.)

  16. Anonymous9:45 PM

    11. When your muse decides that exam review time is the time that you are supposed to write...And you do it.

  17. 18. People do stupid/crazy/funny things and all you can think is, I am So putting that in my next wip.

    18. a. Bonus points if it was YOU who did something crazy (like say lock your keys in your running car in the middle of the road and your CP had to call the cops...I'm just saying)

    Shiloh! WORD!!!!!!1 LOL

  18. 19. When your dad starts introducing you to his friends as My Daughter The Author.

    Seriously, how many people when introduced to My Son The Doctor ask, "How interesting! Who have you operated on lately?"

  19. Anonymous4:06 PM

    Does Sean stop by your blog often?


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