Thursday, April 05, 2007


A writer pal (you know who you are) recently suggested that I put warning labels on some of my novels. Nothing uptight or mean, but more along the lines of Do not drink beverage while reading Alexandra's dialogue, or have a copy of Endurance within reach before finishing reading final scene of Beyond Varallan.

I had to give it a whirl, of course, so:

1. Author is not responsible for impact damage to any walls because reader skimmed over or missed the puzzle clues.

2. Be advised that the seraglio scene in Evermore is highly flammable and was written while I was channeling Sasha White (this should drive her crazy until January.)

3. Don't try any of this at home. Especially don't try any of this on the back of a motorcycle going eighty on the freeway.

4. No real aliens were possessed, eviscerated or otherwise harmed during the pitching of Drednoc. One baking chicken was skinned, but we ate it for dinner.

5. Plot twists may be larger than they first appear.

And finally, the one everyone wants: Warning: this novel has a realistic ending.

If you had to put a warning label on one of your stories, what would it say?


  1. “If hyper-sexual activity occurs as result of using this product, please contact your physician if your symptoms include:
    2)Abdominal swelling
    3)Baby by-product produced nine months after hormonal urges first contracted.

    This author assumes no liability for consensual behavior between adults, nor for ensuing child support. You got nuthin’ comin’.”

  2. Anonymous3:37 AM

    "4. No real aliens were possessed, eviscerated or otherwise harmed during the pitching of Drednoc. One baking chicken was skinned, but we ate it for dinner."

    Thank you, PBW.

  3. Warning: characters were harmed during production of this novel.

  4. So not spindle, mutilate, or fold.
    I did that already.

  5. Warning: may contain words that are not in your head.

  6. Anonymous7:33 AM

    I'll agree with #5.

    Especially don't try any of this on the back of a motorcycle going eighty on the freeway

    I'm telling you now, I don't think that's possible. Excellent fantasy material, though. ;op


    warning: people will die in this book.

  7. 1.) If you are not offended by something in this book, your probly ilitturat.

    2.) Caution: Contains strong language and adult situations, mostly depicting childish behavior.

    3.) These pages kill fascists.

    4.) WARNING! Not safe for the humor impaired.

  8. "Not to be taken orally."

  9. Anonymous8:39 AM

    Judging from the comments of my readers, my most recently written novel may need these two:

    Warning: This novel doesn't get any less bleak. No, it really doesn't. I mean it.

    Warning: Known side effects include tears, paranoia, temporary mental disorientation, and frustrated ranting at the author.

  10. Anonymous9:30 AM

    My friend Michele has always instisted that THREADS OF MALICE contain this sticker:

    WARNING! Do Not Eat Tacos While Reading This Book!

  11. For pretty much all of them:

    "Snark's open, please drive carefully."

  12. WARNING/ Smelling the pages of this book too often can induce slight euphoria as well as a possiblly fatal addiciton to glue and lead...

  13. For Saving Grace I'd use the realistic ending warning. For Responsible--on which I just finished the edits YAY!--I'd use, Warning: Happily Ever After happens only in fairytales.

  14. Warning, contains nuts.

  15. John R. said...
    "Not to be taken orally."

    Now that I've finished laughing until my poor abdominal pseudo-muscles ache...

    Warning: Due to author's relationship with schitzophrenic muse, this book will probably be nothing like that previous book you enjoyed. Sorry.

  16. I'm too busy agreeing with the Endurance/Beyond Varallan comment to think of anything intelligent to say... I had to wait for the one I immediately ordered to arrive in the mail. It would have been torture if I'd read them when they first came out. As it was, I couldn't decide whether to throw things at you or cry or laugh, because you'd done what every novel in the middle of a series needs... something to keep readers wanting that next book.

  17. I did actually put this one on my blog excerpt:

    Warning: This story may make you crave sweets.

  18. "May cause you to reach for your significant other. If you do not have a significant other, you may want to stock up on batteries. May also cause laughter at inappropriate moments." *eg*

  19. Warning: Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.

    Warning: If you read the above warning, then this book has just devoured your soul. For reclamation services please call...

  20. Anonymous4:15 PM

    Warning: Author takes himself seriously

  21. Caution: Store at room temperature.

  22. No warnings. Yet.
    But I wanted to let everyone know I'm giving away books on my blog (wouldn't you like to win one for a change?)and to come over and enter.
    P.S. I swear blogger knows when my eyes are bothering me- my word verification has four letters mashed together like coeds in a vw bug. Is it any wonder it usually takes me 2 or 3 times to post?

  23. A Land Unconquered - Tacitus didn't know everything.
    Caledonia Defiant - There are no good guys in this book.
    Eagle of the Sea - It's paranormal, but a different paranormal.

  24. Anonymous11:15 PM

    Let's see, working on romance with pro wresters, so:

    Warning: Those who feel the need to inform the author that pro wrestling is fake will be powerbombed through the nearest table.

  25. This book may induce Hot Flashes, and a yen to be more adventurous. *evil grin*

  26. How to make a book interesting with warning labels:

    Warning: Exactly Nine Sympathetic and Fleshed-out Characters will Die in the Book. Have fun counting!

    (Then again, J.K. Rowling kinda already did it.)


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