Ten Things Writers Say, and What They Really Mean
1. All I want to do is go to BEA for the experience.
All I want to do is go to BEA, meet Dan Brown, seduce him while I'm ovulating, have his love child and collect a big honking support check every month.
2. Don't come in here. I'm trying to concentrate.
Don't come in here, I'm writing a sex scene.
3. Excuse me, but I see my agent and I need to talk to him.
Excuse me, but your cologne is making my eyes swell shut and I need to get away from you right now.
4. I hope Ms. New Young Promising Thang does well with her debut novel; it sounds so interesting and she's such a nice girl.
I'm going to burn in hell for all the lies I tell.
5. I have just signed a new one-book contract.
Hello, I need a day job.
6. I'm happy to see that [name of big important trade rag] took the time to review my novel.
I'm happy to see that lousy writers with the IQs of root vegetables are finally getting paying work now.
7. I think your new cover art is very colorful.
Get that freaking thing away from me before it lacerates my corneas.
8. Publishing is a wonderful industry where you can work with terrific people and learn so much about the craft of writing.
I'm so much nicer since I've been taking Prozac, don't you think?
9. Writing is the best job I've ever had.
Working the fry machine at McDonald's is starting to look good.
10. Your constructive comments are truly appreciated.
Oh, blow me.