Thursday, June 22, 2006


Ten Things Writers Say, and What They Really Mean

1. All I want to do is go to BEA for the experience.

All I want to do is go to BEA, meet Dan Brown, seduce him while I'm ovulating, have his love child and collect a big honking support check every month.

2. Don't come in here. I'm trying to concentrate.

Don't come in here, I'm writing a sex scene.

3. Excuse me, but I see my agent and I need to talk to him.

Excuse me, but your cologne is making my eyes swell shut and I need to get away from you right now.

4. I hope Ms. New Young Promising Thang does well with her debut novel; it sounds so interesting and she's such a nice girl.

I'm going to burn in hell for all the lies I tell.

5. I have just signed a new one-book contract.

Hello, I need a day job.

6. I'm happy to see that [name of big important trade rag] took the time to review my novel.

I'm happy to see that lousy writers with the IQs of root vegetables are finally getting paying work now.

7. I think your new cover art is very colorful.

Get that freaking thing away from me before it lacerates my corneas.

8. Publishing is a wonderful industry where you can work with terrific people and learn so much about the craft of writing.

I'm so much nicer since I've been taking Prozac, don't you think?

9. Writing is the best job I've ever had.

Working the fry machine at McDonald's is starting to look good.

10. Your constructive comments are truly appreciated.

Oh, blow me.


  1. OMG! I was totally cracking up over these! Especially #10!

    I really needed the giggle. Thanks!


  2. Anonymous2:19 AM

    #7 was my favorite.

    So . . . what #-book contract WILL allow me to quit my day job? Or should I be sending my wife after Dan Brown?

  3. I soooo needed a laugh today. Thank you! :)

  4. Anonymous4:45 AM

    Have you been reading my mind again?

  5. Anonymous5:19 AM

    Thanks Sheila, I blew my coffee over the monitor on number 10 (Honestly thank you this was perfect!)

  6. ~hysterical laughter~

  7. All I want to do is go to BEA, meet Dan Brown, seduce him while I'm ovulating, have his love child and collect a big honking support check every month.

    Trust me, I never think this. The other stuff, sure. This one, never.

  8. What, #2 is a joke? *blink blink* Thanks for the laughs this morning!

  9. LOL!! I love that last one. I used to know a guy who used to say that all the time about anyone who pissed him off!

  10. These are perfect and should go on a poster that will make you as much money as bearing that Brown baby.

  11. #2 is SO true!

    My fave though is #8. So glad I'm not the only cynic in the bunch =)

  12. Oh my... :p As a book reviewer I can just imagine what is really being said by some authors/publicists. ^.^

  13. Anonymous12:04 PM

    #10 is by far the most insightful!


  14. Oh hell. I was about to send you an email to say that Dark Need arrived yesterday. I opened up the box and saw that the cover is even more sexy and elegant in reality than you can tell by the .jpg online.

    Please believe me. I swear I'm not lying.

  15. Anonymous5:19 PM


  16. Anonymous7:39 PM

    Will there ever be a time when #10 isn't going through my head AND if so, does it take #8 to get me there?

  17. Dean, #1 never would have crossed my mind either, but maybe that's because
    a) I don't do children, and
    b) I don't see much in Dan Brown except maybe his money, but I don't need money that badly.

    They're all funny, but #9 struck me as telling.

  18. Loved ten. And I think this often. lol.


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