Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Threesome

I'm presently involved in a demanding menage a trois; three books, three deadlines, all due yesterday, today and next week. Yes, a writer's menage, not the sex kind, but you're really awake now, right?

While I'm off doing my three-way, I thought I'd post some old stuff like all the other writers do when they're insanely busy. Here's a piece I wrote a few years back for FMwriters.com:

My Cats' New Year's Resolutions

1. I will not catch lizards. If I do, I will not eviscerate them on my human's bed pillow.

2. I will not cough up hair balls on my human's prized 1940 Dresden fan quilt.

3. When my human enters the kitchen, it is not always to get me Pounce treats. I will be understanding about this.

4. I will kiss my human before I wash my butt.

5. I will not grab my brother in a stranglehold and pretend to tear out his throat in front of my human's guests.

6. When I have gas, I will be polite and go fart in the other room.

7. I will not lie in the litter box pretending I am Simba Master of All He Surveys while my brothers are waiting to use it.

8. The flat cans with the smiling fish on them are not for me.

9. I will not knock over and rearrange the large stacks of paper my human produces to make a bed for myself.

10. I will not sit and stare at my human when she sits in the bathtub, no matter how weird I think she looks with those tea bags and that mayonnaise on her face.

11. I will stop plotting to get rid of the short humans.

12. I will stop trying to squeeze between the balcony railings to catch dragonflies. I will remember if I miss it's a three story drop into a canal.

13. Whatever my human drinks in those mugs is too hot and not for me.

14. I will not glare, hiss, or growl at the guests who smell like dog. I will understand some humans are simply not worthy of feline ownership.

and finally --

15. I will not sneak into the closet, climb into the big box and chew off the corners of my human's author copies.

Any resolutions that your cat(s) or pet(s) should make this year?

20 comments:

  1. A. I will not demand to be let in only to demand to have the food dish refilled only to take two bites and demand to be let back out again.

    And I will not do this several times a night when my human is trying to work. I also will not encourage my brothers to do it too, unless of course we find it funny and the dog has emptied our food dish. Note: The dog enjoys this game as well, especially the empty our dish part.

    B. I will remember that ironing boards are for fabric, not for sleeping. Especially if said ironing board has fabric upon it and it is shedding season. Which never ends.

    C. I will remember that sleeping on the second-from-the-top step outside of my human's bedroom door is not a wise thing to do at night. It is, however, acceptable on any given afternoon.

    D. I will not go forth and kick kitty ass (or dog ass, or raccoon ass, or any ass for that matter) simply so I can visit the Pretty Veterinarian. Even if she thinks my exposed eyeball and tough-guy scars are sexy.

    E.(dog) I will not go bazook and want to play fetch RIGHT NOW every time someone pulls into the driveway. I will remember I am a large dog, and humans do not appreciate mess and glass breakage, even though everyone knows that fetching is the purpose of life, the holy grail, and nirvana in a sphere.

    F. (dog) I will not eat the cats' food, no matter how much they encourage me to.

    ReplyDelete
  2. My Cat's Resolutions...

    1) I will remember it's not a game when the human female runs from The Gift of Mouse, even if I've carefully kept it alive.

    2) I will remember to attack the phone snake only when coiled, not when attached to my human's ear.

    3) If I ever snare gold fish from deep tank again, I will not leave half for my human to consume.

    4) I will remember BEFORE, not AFTER engaging the pillow that my reasons for humping have been surgically removed.

    5) I will patiently remind myself that my human will post a tree with colored balls and silver strings in the living room and seriously expect me to leave it be.

    6) I will remember that the machine with the hard, flat tongue that spews printed pages is NOT designed for testing the speed of my reflexes.

    7) I will remember which baggie in cabinet contains stash of dried catnip, and which contains the human's counterpart that looks much the same.

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  3. Here are my kitty's resolutions:

    The dog's tail is not a cat toy.

    I should not clean out my own litter box.

    I will not hiss and spit on the windows. The animal outside can not hear me.

    I will look to see if the toilet lid is down before I jump onto it.

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  4. 1. I will not regurgitate anything on the carpets or rugs. There are acres of laminate flooring in my humans’ house that are much easier to clean.

    2. I will not sniff out places where the house’s previous humans’ owners have pooped and weed and try to get rid of them with my poop and wee. I will use a household disinfectant instead.

    3. I will not curl up, pounce, or treadle upon my humans’ full bladders.

    4. Toes that accidentally poke out from under the duvet at night ARE NOT TOYS! No matter how much they look like tasty pink mice.

    5. I will occasionally be affectionate for the sake of it, without any prior food/snack-based agenda.

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  5. 1. Phone calls are never for me. I will not pat at Mommy and beg her to let me talk, and then attack the cord when she refuses. She has promised to let me talk when it's for me - I will be patient.

    2. The gecko is not a new toy for me. If I keep jumping at his tank, he will have a heart attack, and Mommy will be very upset.

    3. The stuffed toys on the window sill do not look better on the floor. Further, when Mommy sees me knock them down, I will not pretend I don't know what she's talking about.

    4. The furry, squeaky fish is not to be left in the middle of the hall during the night. It is not amusing to scare Mommy half-to-death.

    5. The crickets I hear in the closet are for the gecko, they are not for me. I will stop attempting to break into the closet.

    6. The printer works just fine without me - it does not need me to pull the paper out for it.

    7. The kitchen counter doesn't look better with blood droplets on it; I will not wait until Mommy has a good test and then flick my ear (my eldest is diabetic and has her glucose tested twice a day).

    8. Treats are for special times; I will stop stealing the bag and trying to open it. This does not earn me treats.

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  6. 1) I will finally accept that these pills I get twice a day are good for me, and I will stop my kitty acrobatics, slashing, and writhing while my human shoves them down my throat. She's trying even if she doesn't understand the affront to my ego.

    2) I will remember that I am blind and not dash off (running into a wall) any time I hear the loud mini-humans coming.

    3) I will not deposit hairballs in the doorway of my human's bed chamber a mere 10 minutes before his middle-of-the-night bathroom quest.

    4) I will not hide when I hear my human put on her rubber glove to administer those life-saving pills.

    5) I will feel carefully for the edges of the litter box before depositing a smelly turd and I will refrain from trying to cover it because I probably can't remember where I deposited it anyway. My human (who can see!) will be more efficient at this task.

    Time to give the fiesty 19 year-old blind cat her morning pill. Wish me luck.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I will not wait until 11 at night after mommy and daddy are undresses for bed to be let out, nor will I stand by the door at 7 AM, knowing full well that daddy is late for work, and survey my domain while he waits.

    Furthermore, I will not give daddy a dirty look when he loses patience and carries me into the house so he can get to work on time.

    And 7:30 in the morning when mommy is heading for the garage is not lovey-dove time. Mommy and daddy come home around 6. I can be lovey-dove with them then.

    ReplyDelete
  8. 1. I will not use my human's boobs as a springboard to the night stand while she is trying to sleep, since this is painful and surprising and not a good way to be awakened.

    2. I will not sleep with my butt on my human's face.

    3. I will make sure my butt is actually in the litter box before I use it, and I will squat all the way down so as not to completely miss the litter box.

    4. I will not take a swing at her and knock her glasses off her face and eight feet across the room because she wanted to give me a kiss on the cheek while I was curled up sleeping.

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  9. PBW said: 2. I will not cough up hair balls on my human's prized 1940 Dresden fan quilt.

    Boy, this one rings a bell! It's never on uncarpeted floor either. :) Thanks for the snicker.

    ReplyDelete
  10. 1. I will not hide underneath the table so I can jump out to attack my male human's female paternal unit since she already believes I'm a possessed demon creature.

    2. I will learn that my water source does not have to come from a running faucet. The water in my water bowl is perfectly fine, clean water.

    3. I will stop tormenting the dog, who weighs ten times more than I do, so she will be able to go into places where I'm standing.

    4. I will do a better job grooming myself or at least allow my humans to brush me on a regular basis so I don't have to have the vet shave off my luxurious fur, leaving me to look like a naked mole rat.

    5. I will remember that there is plenty of room in a king size bed for two humans and me, so I don't need to squash my humans to the very edges of the bed by taking up six times my share from the middle.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Kitty Resolution:
    I will demand that my new owners send pictures and weekly updates to my mommy.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Ok, I can't find it (in your archives) so maybe I'm completely dreaming about this...didn't you recommend the book Dark Lover? Well, whether you did are not, I read it last night. GREAT READ.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I will not be a slut and sleep in the same pan as the naked defrosting turkey. Nor will I ever again eat its giblets.

    LOVE your blog! Must put a link to Paperback Writer on mine...

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  14. Dog:

    1. I will not roll in fox poo before sitting on my human's bed.

    2. I will stop trying to attack and kill the ironing board whenever it comes out.

    3. I will reconsider the belief that I am King of the World.

    Everyone has such weird pets :).

    ReplyDelete
  15. This one for my sister-in-law's dog, who visits:

    I will give up eating otter dung*. I will try to refrain from rolling in it.

    * For the uninitiated: fish-fed otter dung is about the foulest substance in existence.

    ReplyDelete
  16. 1) I will whine more than one soft short whine at the door when I have to go out. I know the world revolves around me. My human is on occasion, however, being bad, and is momentarily distracted by something else.
    2) There is not a revolving or doggie door on my house. This I do not understand. I am the King of the World. Still, until there is one, I shall try alter my constant need to survey my territories, both inside and out. Go out, come in... go out, come in... go out, come in.... It gets a little wearing, what with those three steps and all. And she doesn't always come right away when I summon her to let back in.
    3) I shall obtain a waterbed. Until that occurs, my human's full bladder will just have to do.
    4) I shall endeavor to make my human understand that as King of the World, everything in this house is mine, and she should not get upset when I steal her just -color- printed- 10 page- due- today paper and leave my royal spit all over the only slightly chewed up corner. A little dog spit never hurt anyone, including an University Professor.
    5) I shall polish my "Ain't I the cutest thing you've even seen?" and "Hey wait! I'm starving here!" looks... they seem to have lost a little lately... my human isn't always tossing me my fair share. As King, it is good to have one's treats tasted to make sure they aren't poisoned, and I don't want much (have to watch that weight... I am so handsome) but the wench has been eating all my ttreats lately.

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  17. 1. I will remember that my human does not appreciate my help when he is playing with the keyboard. The clicky sound and moving fingers are not part of a game.

    2. I will remember that the computer mouse is not real. It does not need to be killed or eaten.

    3. I will remember that my human is not a tree. The loud sounds he makes when I climb up his leg are not laughter.

    4. I will remember that not every can that is opened contains food for me.

    5. I will not put live things in my human's bed in the middle of the night.

    ReplyDelete
  18. 1. I will not walk across the keyboard.

    2. I will not pace back and forth across the keyboard.

    3. I will not chase the other cats outside and guard the door so they can't come back in.

    4. I will not stretch across the bed when my human is trying to get in it.

    Linda

    ReplyDelete
  19. Moe-Dog's commandments:

    I will stop eating salad on my afternoon walk.

    I will stop listening to New Age Pet Health shows that insist eating salad and throwing up every night is a good thing.

    I will not put my sopping wet muzzle on Mom's shorts five minutes before she has to leave for work.

    I will be content with half an hour of active play and not bug Mom incessantly when she sits down to write.

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  20. Another Cat commandment:

    I will not thwap my human on the head with my paw just to get wet food at 3am. Alternatively, I will not stick my cold, wet nose in my human's ear and meow loudly at 3am to attempt to achieve the same result.

    ReplyDelete