Nine Lives

Guess whose latest release is debuting at #9 on the New York Times bestseller list this week?



Yep, that's Cat Trick, the latest Magical Cats mystery by Sofie Kelly, aka our pal Darlene Ryan. I've loved this series since the first book hit the shelves so you know I'm a very happy girl. There is also nothing more awesome than seeing a friend who is such a gifted storyteller skyrocket to the top of the lists.

I know how I'm going to celebrate: by giving away some copies of Ms. Kelly's brand new bestseller, of course. If you'd like one of them to be yours, in comments to this post tell us what you'd name a magical cat by midnight EST on Friday, February 22nd, 2013. I'll draw nine names at random from everyone who participates and send the winners an unsigned copy of Cat Trick by Sofie Kelly. This giveaway is open to everyone on the planet, even if you've won something here at PBW in the past.

Odd Times

In a short while I should hear how well Frostfire did with its release week sales. I have been asked if/where I think my novel might land on the lists, and that's a tough question. Shadowlight, debuted at #17 on the Times mass market, and Dreamveil made the extended list at #26, but that doesn't guarantee anything.

New release-wise, January has always been a lucky month for me, but most of the time titles that were released in December roll over onto the lists. I just took a look at the Times mass market, and nearly all of the listers are Big Names with huge bestsellers (very tough competition for yours truly.) There has been lots of positive buzz about Frostfire, and I know many of you have gotten your readers, family and friends to buy the novel, which I appreciate more than I can say. It's also the third novel in a series, and that's the point where you start losing new-to-you readers, so believe me, every sale helps.

Basically, though, I have no idea how well it will do. My non-psychic intuition tells me (in keeping with the other stuff that's already happened in 2011) that this book's performance is going to be odd. Odd-good or odd-bad, I can't say. Could go in either direction.

But we should have some fun with it, so let's have another Times Pool. In comments to this post, tell me if you think my novel Frostfire will make the NY Times mass market bestseller list. If you don't, simply put "no" (and you won't hurt my feelings if you vote no.) If you do, put "yes" and guess at what number it will appear on the list or the extended list (that would be a number between 1 and 30.)

Once the Times lists for the week of January 23rd are released (I believe that's the list I have a shot at), I will close the pool, announce how Frostfire did (or didn't) do, and award the person who guessed correctly a BookWish*. If more than one person posts the correct guess, I will put all of the names of those who are correct in the magic hat and draw one at random to be the winner.

This pool is open to everyone on the planet, even if you've won something here at PBW in the past.

*A BookWish is any book of your choice available to order from an online bookseller, up to a maximum cost of $30.00 U.S. (I'll throw in whatever shipping is involved.)

Uncrackable

The NY Times mass market bestseller list is tough to get on any month, but when I saw this past week's list I knew my name wouldn't be showing up on it at all. Sure, I've had some luck in the past, but let's be realistic. There are just too many big names who have huge print runs and massive marketing campaigns, and usually stay on the list for multiple weeks listed there. Far too popular for my new release to battle; I knew the minute I read it that it was an uncrackable list.

I couldn't get depressed about it; I'm very happy with how the admittedly low key release of Dreamveil went. Okay, the book shipped a couple weeks early, but what else is new? Everyone here seemed enthusiastic about it, so I was pretty sure it would sell well. I got to do some interesting things with the story and I thought the readers would enjoy it. The free e-book I posted also was well-received (it got almost 10K hits and over 1200 downloads in the first week, which is really fabulous.) Early buzz has been favorable, too.

Today I got the Times mass market list for my release week (you all will see it next week) and as I suspected it was pretty much an uncrackable rollover: all big names, some with multiple titles, all getting second, third, fourth and fifth weeks on the list. I compared and counted, and only four new titles actually made it into the top thirty, with three of the four novels are by very popular male authors.

The fourth and last novel to debut on the list, coming in at a very respectable #26? Was by this chick:



You guys cracked the uncrackable and made my novel look terrific. Thank you for this awesome show of support.

Catch-Up Day

I'm bailing on you guys today to take my vehicle in for some maintenance, deal with a contract and ship off some packages. I'll also try to catch up on comments I've missed later today (I've been so busy NaNo'ing I hardly plugged in at all this week.)

In the morning I'll have the follow-up post I promised to The Reality of a Times Bestseller over on the group blog, with the second statement that just came in, all the figures and my thoughts on how Twilight Fall performed over the eleven months since its release. If you like seeing the real numbers, do stop by and check it out.

The Times Pool Winner

I should really name this post The Surreality of a New York Times Bestseller because of the rather spooky results from the
Times Pool contest. For those of you who missed it, I had a contest post and asked people to guess whether or not Shadowlight would make the Times bestseller list, and if they thought it would to also pick what position on the list it would debut.

I was surprised to see so many "yes" entries, and such optimistic and flattering predictions as to the spot it would take on the list. And honestly, I thought you all were being very nice, but I expected if I were exceptionally lucky that the book might show at the end of the extended list, somewhere between #25-#30.

The one funny thing I did notice was how many people chose #17 (and many mentioned that it was the first thing that came to mind.) In fact, #17 was guessed more often than any other position number in the contest. Which I thought was weird because the only Lynn Viehl novel I've ever had rank in the top twenty portion of the list barely squeaked on at #19. My last LV release, that pink one I never want to talk about, hit at #27. So why pick #17? Odds were definitely against it. But now I know you guys picked #17 because . . . you're all psychic.

Yep.

I found out today that Shadowlight will debut on the Times bestseller list at #17.

As promised if there were multiple correct guesses, I put the names of everyone who chose #17 into the magic hat, had Kat pick one at random for a little extra good luck, and the winner of the Times pool is:

JulieB, who wrote: I don't know why, and I realize other people have said this too, but the number that came to mind was 17, immediately.

Julie, when you have a chance, please send your BookWish and ship-to info to me at LynnViehl@aol.com -- and please, use e-mail, not your psychic power.

Thanks to everyone who joined in the pool, gave me so many votes of confidence, bought the book, reviewed the e-ARC, blogged about it, spread the word, shared in the fun and collectively made Shadowlight a top twenty Times bestseller. You guys are the best, and you have definitely got the power.

The Times Pool

As you are by now doubtless exhausted of hearing, the first novel in my new Darkyn spin-off Kyndred series, Shadowlight, is due to be released next week. Okay, for all intents and purposes, it has been released, but next week's sales are what will determine if/where the book appears on the Times or any other lists.

I think Shadowlight has a decent shot at making the USA Today list; the last seven Lynn Viehl novels I've written have all made it there. But the New York Times bestseller list? I have no idea.

I think we should have fun with it and start a pool for Shadowlight. So here are the rules: In comments to this post, tell me if you think Shadowlight will make the Times list. If you don't, simply put "no" (and you won't hurt my feelings if you vote no.) If you do, put "yes" and guess at what number it will appear on the list or the extended list (that would be a number between 1 and 30.)

Once the Times lists for the week of October 6th are released, I will close the pool, announce how Shadowlight did (or didn't) do, and award the person who guessed correctly a BookWish* as well as a surprise. No, I'm not telling you what the surprise is, but my surprises are good ones. If more than one person posts the correct guess, I will put all of their names in the magic hat and draw one at random to be the winner.

This pool is open to everyone on the planet, even if you've won something here at PBW in the past.

*A BookWish is any book of your choice available to order from an online bookseller, up to a maximum cost of $30.00 U.S. (I'll throw in whatever shipping is involved.)

PBW Turns Ten

Today I celebrate my tenth anniversary as a professional novelist. Since 1998 I've written fifty-two novels, sold and/or published forty-four of them (four are currently in various stages of production), and accomplished three out of the four major personal career goals I planned to pursue ten years ago (I'm about six-eight months away from reaching the fourth, final goal.)

Ten years ago I also sold this article about the near-disaster that resulted in my first contract. I hardly recognize that goofy, hopeful writer I was, but I'm glad I was able to laugh at myself even back then. That turned out to be quite helpful over the next decade.

It's a nice coincidence that the official/final version of the cover art for Stay the Night arrived in my inbox today:



That line under my byline on the cover was my third career goal, the one I was never supposed to achieve, the one they told me to forget about, that like the rest of my goals would never happen to someone like me, etc. It's a nice wrap-up for this ten years in the biz.

From here? Onto the next ten. Or Paris. What would you do?

19

Today is Monday, and also my birthday. I would lie and tell you I'm 29, but these days that only fools the people with white canes and guide dogs. I think we need another way to measure age. Let's see, in dog years, I'm 6.7142857142857142857142857. Or the square root of 2,209 (if you say that really fast it sounds like 29.)

We're not officially partying until tonight when my guy gets home from work, but this past weekend he arranged a lovely romantic dinner for us. I've shamelessly dropped hints for the last couple of weeks, so tonight when I unwrap my gifts I expect to find a reading lamp for the living room, a set of corn holders, and a new purse to replace the only one I own, which the Smithsonian has asked me to donate for their upcoming exhibit on Jurassic-era accessories.

On the professional front, things have been a little tough. My latest release didn't make it into many stores in time for the holiday weekend, and a significant piece of advertising for it that I had been counting on was misplaced or lost. It didn't seem fair, but Publishing rarely is, so I battened down the hatches and resigned myself to disappointing the folks in NY again. I even e-mailed my agent in advance and warned her how poor the book's performance was likely to be under the circumstances.

Then you guys go and put Twilight Fall at #19 on the New York Times mass market bestseller list. Now what do I say? Aside from Holy Toledo, is that really my book on there? and I have the best readers on the planet, I mean.

I honestly don't know what to say. I've written this post about two thousand times already, and no matter how much I edit it, I still sound like I'm babbling. I am so grateful to you, to all of you.

I'm 47 today, and my novel is 19. It's a gift I'll never forget. Thank you.

The Lists

The news I hinted at is that Evermore is doing quite well, thanks to everyone who went out and purchased it. Apparently everyone did, as the book debuted as:

#7 on Border's and B&N's romance bestseller lists
#16 on Border's Group overall fiction mass market paperback list
#22 on B&N's overall fiction mass market paperback list
#23 on B&N's overall mass market paperback list
#96 on USA Today bestseller list (that's everything, hardcover, trade & mm)

And, deja vu, Evermore will come in at #21 on the next New York Times extended bestseller list.

How to say this without sobbing all over you guys and the blog, now that's the tricky part. For a writer, these are the moments when you put on your ratty old bathrobe, stuff some Kleenex in the pocket and curl up in your favorite chair. You hug your knees and think and shake your head a lot. And while you stare at your shins and try to fathom it all, you also wonder if the Times has any idea that you haven't shaved your legs since last Tuesday.

Okay, if you're me.

To everyone who took the time, made the effort and invested in Evermore, thank you.

Here We Go Again

It's that time of year again. No, I don't mean when you dump the bathroom scale in the back of your closet and start wearing the omigod-size sweat pants and pullovers, although the effect is somewhat similar. Yes, the New York Times has put out its annual 100 Notable Books of the Year list (registration may be required.)

I really wasn't going to look at it this year. Honest. You know how painful reading the blurbs from the lists for years 2006 and 2005 were for me. But someone (You Know Who You Are) forwarded me the list, and it was right there in my inbox, and, well . . . it's become kind of a holiday tradition here at PBW, right?

So let's see what the boys at the Times did with the blurbs for 2007:

1. " . . . dark, worldly short stories linger in the mind long after they’re finished."

Like . . . acid indigestion. Alimony payments. Bath tub ring.

2. "The small-town regulars at Lucy’s Tavern carry their loneliness in 'rough and beautiful' ways."

There's country music and a drunk with a heart of gold in this book. I can smell it.

3. "A young woman searches for the truth about her parentage amid the snow and ice of Lapland in this bleakly comic yet sad tale of a child’s futile struggle to be loved."

The only way I see to save this is to have Geoffrey Holder do the book trailer: "Come to Lapland: it's cold, it's bleakly comic yet sad, and no one will love you."

4. "Poetry that conveys the invention, the wit and the force of mind that contests all assumptions."

Such as, this book would be any good, right?

5. "Consisting largely of a single sex scene played out on a couple’s wedding night, this seeming novel of manners is as much a horror story as any (the author) has written."

Where is Sasha White when I need her?

5a. I don't want to hear any more bitching about the amount of sex and erotica in my novels.

5b. Or in Sasha's.

5c. I mean, this dude makes us look like nuns.

5d. And yet the blurb is so bad I keep wanting to reword it, i.e. She's a virgin, he's overdosed on Viagra, and then . . .

5e. Uh, never mind.

6. "In this short yet spacious Norwegian novel, an Oslo professional hopes to cure his loneliness with a plunge into solitude."

Isn't short like the antonym of spacious? And exactly how do you cure loneliness by going off to be alone? I'm so confused.

7. "In this debut, a Londoner emerges from a coma and seeks to reassure himself of the genuineness of his existence."

And then when he touches people, he sees the past and future! Right. I think Stephen King would like his plot back.

8. "A craftily autobiographical novel about a band of literary guerrillas."

Gee, literary writers craftily writing about themselves . . . *yawn* . . . what an utterly fascinating . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

9. "American characters in this meticulously observed comic-book novella explicitly address the way in which they handle being in a minority."

I beg your pardon, but we call them graphic novel novellas now.

10. "These resonant tales encapsulate moments of hope and humiliation in a kind of shorthand of different lives lived."

They resonate, they encapsulate, and they're in shorthand. Uh-huh. Waiter? Check, please.

11. "Layoff notices fly in (this) acidly funny first novel, set in a white-collar office in the wake of the dot-com debacle."

I'm already laughing here, pal.

12. "The women here are smart and strong but drawn to losers."

Did they steal this blurb from This is not Chick-lit?

13. "In this debut collection, a crisp, blunt tone propels stories both surreal and realistic."

"Day Four Hundred: Shot up heroin with a dirty needle. Did a reverse cowgirl on Puff the Magic Dragon. Expresso machine ate my head."

14. "Dispensing with straight narrative, (the author) microscopically examines language and thought."

"Day Four Hundred and One: Shot up heroin with a dirty needle. Did a reverse cowgirl on my first edition of Strunk. Microscope ate my head."

15. "An unhappy young woman meets an even unhappier drifter."

So, not an RT top pick, I'm guessing.

16. "This history explores an underappreciated point: that this country was constructed to foster arguments, not to settle them."

Vote for John Kerry. Gotcha.

17. " . . . deeply personal memoir focuses on the engaged and lively Catholicism of her mother, a glamorous career woman who was also an alcoholic with a body afflicted by polio."

Because the glam of alcoholism, polio and being Catholic just don't stop, baby.

18. "Essays on 20th-century luminaries by one of Britain’s leading public intellectuals."

Lunesta finally gets decent competition.

19. "The former New Yorker editor details the sordid domestic drama that pitted the Princess of Wales against Britain’s royal family."

I can see why the New Yorker fired her.

20. "Updike’s first nonfiction collection in eight years displays breathtaking scope as well as the author’s seeming inability to write badly."

Updike's moonlighting as a blurb writer for his own books now?

All fun aside, content blurbs and copy are important, especially when you're trying to motivate more people to try a new-to-them author. For example, I actually did pick up a copy of Love in the Time of Cholera at the bookstore this past week. The back cover copy was so badly written that I put it right back down, too. I know I'm not being fair to the author, so I've made a vow to buy it -- just after the holidays, when I feel more up to the challenge of reading a book with a title and copy that instantly killed what little interest I had in it.

I didn't read a lot of highbrow fiction this year, so I have no suggestions on what was missed. The last good nonfic book I read was The Secret Life of Houdini by William Kalush and Larry Sloman, but that came out in late 2006. What book(s) do you think should have made the Times list, and didn't?

Friday 20

As I was packing up the trunk of my car with photo albums on Wednesday, and wondering what else I should take in case the wildfire creeping toward us decides to fry my house, the telephone rang.

It was, I thought, Mom. Calling to tell me someone was in the hospital, or one of her dogs was sick, or subtropical storm Andrea had strengthened and was heading our way, or something else to add just a little more delight to my week.

It was my very busy editor. She never calls unless she has a publishing fire she needs me to put out. No doubt she wanted me to send in my revisions yesterday, or approve cover copy in fifteen minutes, or finally write a decent bio because the ten-word one I have on file is annoying the Powers That Be.

Frankly, I wasn't happy to hear her voice. Florida is carpeted in flames and smoke, hurricane season decided to start a month early, I'm trying to fit forty-six years of memories in a trunk slightly smaller than a hamster's cage. At the same time, I knew I'd do whatever she wanted, and began envisioning myself on the laptop at a turnpike rest stop, typing up whatever she wanted by the soft orange glow of my town burning in the distance.

My editor said hello, how are you, and Night Lost made #21 on the New York Times extended bestseller list.

Look, I started to say, my state is on fire . . . and then I sat down on the riding lawn mower. I think I said What? a few times.

It was, indeed, The Call.

My editor talked and laughed and said a lot of very nice things. I have absolutely no recollection of what they were, but she's a lovely person, so I know they were nice.

It took me ten years of weekly submissions, twenty-eight manuscripts and over thirteen hundred straight rejections before I received my first offer. And yeah, like most rookies, I daydreamed about my debut novel becoming a huge, overnight success and showing up on the NYT BSL. I felt the same way about the second one, and the third, and the tenth, and the fourteenth. Hope, even the wild pie-in-the-sky variety, only goes so far. After I'd published twenty novels, I stopped daydreaming. Obviously, it wasn't going to happen.

I didn't mind. In some ways, it was a relief, because by that time I'd dropped out of sight, got rid of all my author clothes, and just stayed home and wrote books. I've always wanted to be a paperback writer, and I am, and that is the world to me. More than that would have been very nice, but c'est la vie.

That's what I told my agent earlier this week, when she cautiously mentioned that I might, could possibly, in the remotest sense of the word, have a shot at the Times. We've been there before, I reminded her (at one very high point, Dark Need was the 18th bestselling mass market fiction novel in the country.) We've been told by authors who have done it that books get on the list do it by writers placing bulk orders or by signing at the stores the Times use for their stats. I won't do that, therefore it will never happen to one of my novels. I'd be honored and beyond satisfied with my novel making any spot on the USA Today top 150.

So here we are. I can't call myself a NYT bestselling author until I crack the top fifteen (my publisher is rather strict about this), but like I'm going to complain. And while part of me still expects the publishing version of Ashton Kutcher to show up on my doorstep today with a handheld cam and tell me that I've been punk'd, I've seen the printed list, and it doesn't look like a typo.

It is real, and it does happen, and we're not crazy to hope. That's what I want you to remember when you're a paperback writer.

Any questions out there for me this week?

100 Huhs

The New York Times has released its annual list of 100 Notable Books of the Year, one I usually peer at to see if there's anything on it that I read and/or liked. Hold onto your hats; I've actually read two on the list: one I loved, and one I loathed -- but other than that, zilch.

After last year's mess, I was hoping that someone in the editorial department would have said, "Hey, guys, maybe we should write blurbs that HELP sell more copies of these books." Something happened; they've reverted from babelesque hip-speak of last year to their standard snot-speak, which of course has made the New York Times the veritable stanchion of unimaginative elitism.

Honestly, I don't think you could drive the average book buyer away from these books any faster than if you jumped in front of the shelves and waved an open vial of anthrax. For example:

1. "....unsettling and blackly funny vignettes" -- Last time I checked, unsettling was not funny, even blackly. Vignette must be the latest trope, whatever the hell a trope is.

2. ".... A hefty, brilliant volume" -- Does no one at the Times listen to Clapton anymore? With a story, like a penis, it's not about size but in the way that you use it. Although (call me psychic) I'm sure this one holds open the laundry room door with no problem.

3. "....Old grievances drive the plot of this novel" -- That's the answer to Literary Meanings for $500. The question: "What is a transparent ax-grinder, Alex?"

4. "....A structurally experimental road-trip novel" -- Experiment on your own dime, pal. Better yet, use it to hire a therapist and get over writing badly-disguised Kerouac fanfic.

5. "....two exquisitely shaped novellas" -- So, shouldn't that make this list 101 Notable Books of the Year, then? Or 99 Notable Books and 2 Novellas?

6. "....this dark-humored novel" -- Since they already used blackly funny and don't want to repeat themselves. Up next: Murkily mirthsome, duskily tittery and low-light laughable.

7. "....The third volume, remarkable for its breadth and detail" -- I'm betting the writer for #6 had to read it for a quote, right? That's what put her into the bad mood.

8. "....a schoolboy's story." -- I'm sorry, but maybe you boys in editorial didn't get that memo from the Author's Gild. We only use "schoolboy's story" as a deadly insult to another writer, i.e.: I cannot believe they actually paid money for this stupid little schoolboy's story.

9. "....a moral framework" -- I have no idea what this means. The original outline for the ten commandments? Ted Haggard's ministry? Catholic scaffolding? What? (Also, why are we using the word "moral" so much? If you want to lure the hard red right into the stores, try substituting purpose-driven or inspirational and decorate it with little doves and burning Bushes. Well, okay, that last part was for my personal amusement, but still.)

10. "....The Nobel laureate tells her life story" -- I won't listen to this from drunks at writer conferences, so why would I pay $26.95 for it?

11. "....complicated sexual algebra" -- No. I know you guys are trying to be clever, but NO. You are not allowed to pair something as wonderful as sex with freaking algebra.

12. "....How to read with writerly sensitivity" -- Obviously, not written by me.

13. "....An artful journalist cross-dresses" -- but still can't get her pretend domestic partner on her medical insurance plan. Then she takes off the penis suit and mourns the life she never lived. Oh, the suffering. (Waitress? Check please.)

14. "....A panoramic moral analysis" -- Panoramic immediately makes me think of those 4" tall 48" wide photos of Grand Canyon vacations that camera nuts are always giving you. "Look, you can see the entire Snake River from start to finish!" Please. I've faked orgasms that were more thrilling. And there's that moral word again. Why not tag it as immoral? I'd buy an immoral analysis in a heartbeat, wouldn't you?

15. "....In her effectively elliptical novel" -- Does that mean...the novel is...filled with...these stupid...things...? Or is it shaped like this: ()

16. "....this parablelike novel" -- Excuse me, parablelike? You're the New York Times, for God's sake. Stop using words that don't exist.

17. "....Stories of understated realism" -- As story collections went, it was sort of real, but not so you'd notice. It was, you see, many brave paddles secretly angled to propel literature's fine boat up the mighty river of How It Should Be into LaLaLand, where the upstanding overly-educated people run things, because they alone know that physical objects are impermanent representations of unchanging ideas, and that ideas alone give true knowledge. And we the inferior dumbasses, being so caught up with playing with our physical objects and doing the actual gruntwork in the world and all, should let them. Uh-huh.

17a. Somebody IM Matt Cheney, he'll want to be all over this one.

18. ".... in this debut novel of global misunderstanding." -- So who is going to understand it? Extra-terrestrials?

19. ".... this nimble, satirically chiding novel." -- Only the Brits are allowed to use the words like nimble and chiding, as they're the only ones who can say them without sounding like effete dorks.

20. "....This novel's hero, a ghost, looks back ruefully on his suicide" -- Suggested subtitle: The Lovely Slitted Wrists. Oooooo, how original.

20a. It's also now official: I am tired of dead protagonists.

20b. I mean it. No more of this Sebolderdash. You want me to purchase your book, it has to have a living, breathing protagonist in it. Or a vampire protagonist. Undead okay, dead not okay.

20c. This is non-negotiable.

and finally, the ultimate in boring blurbs:

"A nameless protagonist grapples with aging, physical decline and impending death in this slender, elegant novel.": The Old Man and Medicare Part C!

Anyway, I will recommend one novel from this esteemed list as deserving of the recognition: Mayflower by Nathaniel Philbrick. That's the one I loved, and may it nab the author another NBA.

Da Winchy Code

The New York Times has posted its 100 best books of 2005 list, and masochist that I am, I went over to have a look at the fiction. Yeah, I know better, but I keep hoping a genre writer who isn't richer than the Queen of England will slip in at #99.

Now, not to criticize the illustrious editor(s) who composed this gotta-read list, but the blurbs are so winchy they read like a muttered conversation between two badly shaven semi-stoned unpublished lit-heads at the local java joint on open mike poetry/ladies free latte night.

I mean, look at some of these catch-phrases they use:

1. ...this darkly comic novel -- let me guess: one unfunny character tries to be a comedian and everyone dies in the end, am I right?

2. ...this morally concerned novel -- I'm gonna get lectured big time, I just know it.

3. ...a muscular historical novel -- Old? Brawny? Old and brawny? I think I need an outside consult on this one. Scott, any ideas?

4. ...in this novel by an ace student of sexual violation -- so, the author is studying . . . do I even want to know this answer to this?

5. A novel, mostly in stories -- it's a story told mostly in stories. Right.
I need an aspirin.

6. This keen observer of the surface of life -- oooooh, someone really doesn't like this author.

7. ...a loser but unbowed, asserts in endless letters to his alumni magazine -- At last, the definitive cure for my insomnia.

8. A shining miscellany -- No discernable plot.

9. ...this dreamish novel -- No discernable characters or plot.

10. ...this intricate novel -- Waaaaaaay too much plot.

11. ...this absorbing novel -- Can't follow the plot, or Banville wrote it. But I repeat myself.

12. A strange and luminous novel -- written by either Allende or García Márquez... (checking)...yep, García Márquez. Nice title there, too, Gabe (shudder.)

12a. Luminous, btw, is winch code for a non-English author's novel that we don't understand but the English translation is just so goshdarn PRETTY.

12b. Or there's a chick with green hair in it.

12c. Or, if it's Allende, both.

13. Half a century's work -- (making sign of the cross) Omigod they reincarnated Wordsworth . . . ahem. Sorry. (hunting for aspirin bottle.)

14. This novel peers into the void -- So does a proctologist, pal.

15. ...oddly moving litanies -- Ex-Lax is cheaper. Or see #14.

16. ...a cultural-politics comedy -- (popping aspirin) I don't want to read about the last Presidential election.

17. A scholarship girl at a nifty prep school -- not that one of our reviewers wrote this, or that we're showing any favoritism. P.S. it's NOT chicklit.

18. ...so large in its concept of fiction's grasp on the world it takes seven narrators just to tell it -- Get this book away from me. Right now.

19. A whodunit tragicomedy by Albania's pre-eminent novelist -- A who...a what...Albania? Is that still a country?

20. And the winner for the winchiest blurb on the list: A novel that ruminates on beauty and cruelty, told by a former Paris model now sick and poor -- chicklit for people who hate chicklit, yipee!

Guys, if you're going to rec high-brow literary books once a year, and you want to fool a couple of people into purchasing the damn things, at least try to make them sound appealing. I know you're all into being cool and keeping that NYT grindstone crank in good operating condition, but lit authors can barely sell a thousand copies of a book these days. The big bucks committees keep handing the cash prizes over to the writers who don't need it, too; not like these other poor slobs can eat their Very Important and Shiny Literary Prize Medals, Trophies and Best Writer 2005 Certificates, correct?

Personally I feel bad for them. The worst we genre writers usually get are little snotty PW digs like highly entertaining or surprisingly thoughtful, which is industry code for Geez, we didn't think the dumbass could write this well.