Saturday, October 21, 2006

The New CSI

Senior Editor Horatio Caine strode into his office, eyeing two stacks of unread manuscripts and his beautiful but unattainable assistant, who stood waiting with notepad in hand. "You okay?"

Yelena gave him a hostile but smoldering look.

"The next time you want to take a swing at someone, start with me." He tossed his shades onto the desk and dropped into his chair, swiveling around to contemplate the upper Manhattan skyline. "Be on the lookout for an Eastern European male with bad teeth who may have access to an ape."

"Porque -- uh, why?"

"He's my new science fiction author." Horatio chucked the new issue of Publishers Weekly into the trash can beside his desk and punched his intercom button. "Calleigh," he said, letting his voice drop to an intimate rasp. "I need you."

A moment later, copy editor Calleigh Duquesne marched in, trailed by production designer John Hagen. Her china doll features reflected the light with all the depth and animation of cheap imported stoneware. "Yes, sir?"

Yelena tossed her long dark mane, gave Horatio a contemptuous but smoldering glance, and stalked out.

"We are being detoured into the land of make-believe," Horatio announced.

A tiny wrinkle chased itself across Calleigh's brow. "But sir, isn't that our . . . job?"

"Tomorrow's what you make of it. John." His gaze slashed over to the production designer. "I have cover art here with a cartoon dolphin on it. You know how I feel about cartoon dolphin art. Tell me about the cartoon dolphin, John."

Hagen swallowed and shifted on his feet. "Well."

Horatio nodded. "Why didn't you tell me about this earlier?"

Hagen's shoulders moved. "I didn't think it'd look too good."

"Well, it doesn't look too good right now." Horatio tossed the sketch across the desk. "Do it again. Do it right. Do it and get it back to me and make it the best job you've ever done and John?" He shot to his feet, lunged forward, and dragged John forward by the tie until their faces were only an inch apart. "I don't want to see another cartoon dolphin for as long as you work for me," Horatio whispered. "Are we clear?"

Hagen's head drooped forward. "Yeah."

Horatio released the tie and waved them both out. As they left, he heard Hagen mumble, "That's one hell of a lonely road he's walking" and Calleigh murmur, "I know. That's why I'm walking it with him."

Yelena sauntered in. "The publicity budget reports." She tossed a file across the desk at him, and planted her hands on her hips. "My mother called. Ray Jr. didn't come home from school. She thinks he's at the bookstore reading manga again." She gave him a sorrowful but smoldering look. "Do something, Horatio."

"You lie down with the Devil," Horatio reminded her, "you wake up in Publishing. Don't say anything to anyone at any time until I say so. I'll take care of it on my lunch hour." He smiled as a dark, sultry woman shoved Yelena aside. "Alexx."

"Horatio. Someday you're going to have to tell me what idiot spelled my name with two X's. Girl, don't you be looking at me like that. I'll kick your Latina ass." As Yelena stomped out, Alexx produced a brilliant smile and a heavily marked-up galley. "Finished the work up on this one. Typesetter slaughtered the poor thing. I found 363 mistaken spellings of the protagonist's name alone."

"363." Horatio sat down and swiveled a little in his chair.

"Yeah." Alexx's voice softened. "Real shame to see such a pretty story end up like this. It's going to kill the author."

"I will get whoever did this to her," Horatio said, leaning forward. "I promise you that. Do you know why?"

Alexx sighed. "Because this is CSI: Editing."

"Exactly." Horatio folded his hands behind his head and leaned back. "And. We. Never. Close."

18 comments:

  1. Anonymous4:23 AM

    Mmmmm-kay... must be some joke I'm missing since I don't watch TV and so have never seen even a minute of CSI.

    Just discovered my Spanish has gotten good enough for my internal editor to catch things... and that pleases me. So forgive my correction, and por favor y gracias.

    porque = because pork-uh
    por qué = why poor-kay

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  2. Anonymous5:40 AM

    That's just brilliant! And so *very* CSI Miami.

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  3. Someone's been watching a CSI: Miami marathon! LOL

    Brilliant!

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  4. Oh. My. God. I could hear their voices...I have GOT to stop watching that show!!

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  5. David Caruso makes me chuckle. And not in a good way.

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  6. "You lie down with the Devil," Horatio reminded her, "you wake up in Publishing."

    Hahahhahah!

    David Caruso makes me chuckle. And not in a good way.

    Tru dat. His range of emotion in this show, starts at stoic and ends at stone-faced.

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  7. Anonymous1:29 PM

    I think maybe everyone knows how he feels about cartoon dolphin cover art. *winces* The big houses usually have pretty good art, but I always feel sad when somebody goes the fast and cheap route and uses some silly Photoshop collage of stock photography. Or cartoon dolphins, or covers that function principally as displays of typography rather than illustration. =(

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  8. Anonymous2:02 PM

    Brilliant! This is exactly the reason why I stopped watching CSI: Miami. I think Calleigh has perfected a state of perpetual bitchiness. And Horatio Caine is just...well, Horatio Caine.

    I wished publishers realized that not only do individual authors hate cartoon dolphine art on the cover of their books, but readers do too! =p

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  9. I've never seen CSI-anything. I am, however, relieved to know you're no longer suffering any anguish over a certain book's cover art. You've clearly let bygones be bygones and have moved on. That's got to be good for your blood pressure.

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  10. Poor cartoon dolphin. Bwahaha.

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  11. I meant to have a ;) at the end of my comment.

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  12. Anonymous12:50 AM

    Jean wrote: I've never seen CSI-anything. I am, however, relieved to know you're no longer suffering any anguish over a certain book's cover art. You've clearly let bygones be bygones and have moved on. That's got to be good for your blood pressure.

    Shut up, Jean. :)

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  13. This is what I get for not coming in every day to read this blog. I miss out on CSI stuff. :) Too funny.

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  14. great. i'll need a spoon to fish out the hunking piece of banana chocolate chip cheese cake loaf that went up my nose from laughing so much

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  15. Anonymous11:25 PM

    I wonder what Who song they would use.

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  16. Anonymous11:28 AM

    That was DELIGHTFUL!

    I'll be giggling about that all day.

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  17. Ouch. Just ouch.

    Okay, maybe not just ouch :). There's a reason we still watch the original and not the others :p. You just reminded me of it.

    And for a moment there I thought they put more dolphins on your covers. But yeah, as Jean said, I guess you've gotten completely over that one and just thought it wise to remind them before the next in the series comes out :D. Or maybe it's the MM edition that's raising the smoke.

    Cheers,
    Margaret

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