I need to stomp on a meme before it grows another head and attacks one of my friends, so:
Ten Things I Haven't Learned About Writing
1. Backward: I don't know how to write in skips, jumps, batches, artful segues, out of sequence, minus sequence, dream sequence, or with any other trendy method. I start at the beginning of the story and keep writing until I reach the end.
2. E-mail Lost: How to tactfully respond to an e-mail from a colleague I don't know that starts with either Dearest Friend or Listen you bitch.
3. Future Nookie: The correct amount/position/quality/wild-monkey degree of sex, if any, that should be included in a science fiction story.
4. Grammar-challenged: That whole lay-lie thing. I know, a bunch of you explained it to me last time it came up, but I'm too lazy to look up the comments.
5. Harmony Bereft: That romance writer thing where you list 20 reasons (aside from being in love) as to why your lovers should live happily ever after. I can only ever come up with 20 reasons why they shouldn't.
6. Inorganic: How to write a book without a plot, a plan, or a clue. Need those.
7. Less Than Posture Perfect: I've never absorbed exactly how one properly kisses important industry ass. I can spot them from a mile away, though.
8. Questionable Worship: Understanding why a living writer would ripoff a dead writer and then call it homage. You want to pay me homage when I'm dead? Leave my damn books alone.
9. Total Confusion: How spending two grand, traveling in coach next to a single, obese marital aids salesman who just had garlic crabs for lunch, sleeping in a room with three strange women who hog the bathroom and hate each other, eating mysterious, bad luncheon chicken, acquiring five thousand homemade bookmarks, being exposed to various lung diseases, being tactfully ignored by a thousand of my peers and chatted up by the other thousand, having my three roommates load up my suitcase with freebie cowboy/runaway bride romances, and a spiral-bound telephone book filled with badly-copied advice on writing is going to make me a better, more successful writer.
10. Unspontaneous: Any amount of by-the-seat-of-my-pants writing. For some reason my seat always wants to do other things.
What ten things haven't you learned about writing?