Wednesday, June 08, 2005

I was feeling so left out, and then . . .

Posted without permission (you SPAM me, you take your chances):

Hi,

My name Blaise Cinco and I'm your Publishing Consultant from Xlibris.

Hi Blaise. Why did your mother name you after the British Library Automated Information Service and the number five? Do I sense an intriguing conception story here? Are you single? You sound single.

I'm just checking in to see if you have any work you'd be interested in publishing with us.

(fluttering eyelashes) Do you have any money I'd be interested in depositing?

Meanwhile, here's a brief introduction of our company.

Don't be evasive, sweetie. Show me the offer.

Really, that merely skimmed the surface.

That? That was a sales pitch. Wait, I don't even rate a full company introduction? What are you, ashamed of me?

Our team of Online Support Representatives will submit links for your book to numerous websites . . .

Sure, toy with me then pass me off on your friends.

Online Listing Campaign 3,000 (links submitted to 3,000 websites) - $1,299

All that money, for such a little thing? Blaise, I don't know what to say. I 'm shocked. I've never done that for money . . . all right, you talked me into it. Pay me $1,299, and I'll let you use my link. Just please don't tell my mother.

Please feel free to give me a call at (888) 795-4274 ext. 882.

That phone number looks familiar. You didn't write it on a cocktail napkin at the open bar after the RITAS while you were breathing Bourbon fumes in my face and telling me how my legs are better than Lisa Kleypas's, did you?

Call me today toll free at (888) 795-4274 ext 816 to take advantage of these exciting limited-time offers.

I'm the one who always has to call. This is supposed to be a relationship, Blaise. We both have to work at it.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

No, you don't. Don't lie to me. I know about the other writers you've been e-mailing. You thought I didn't, right? Ha. I know it all.

Respectfully yours,

Yeah, you're all mine. Soon as you've gotten what you wanted, you'll be chatting up five hundred other hot prospects. You cruise the internet for them, don't you, Blaise? Will you think about me when you're SPAMming Alison Kent? No. You'll be too busy using the same lines on her. Then you'll come to my place at 1 a.m., stumbling and giggling, waking up the kids, your tie knotted around your forehead and printer ink all over your collar.

I'm sorry, Blaise, but I do have some pride. It's over between us. Take your POD and get out.

15 comments:

  1. *snickers*

    Priceless. Just priceless.

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  2. Publishing spam is the new blog meme. Pass it along.

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  3. Kick some ass!
    *ggg*

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  4. Dammit, and I thought I was the only one she was making a play for. *sulks*

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  5. "Online Listing Campaign 3,000 (links submitted to 3,000 websites) - $1,299"

    Damn! I'm getting a good deal from my web host. I get that capability included in my $7 a month fee. It would only take a couple mouse clicks for me to unleash my link on the world. I've been exercising restraint.

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  6. I'd post my own response to this, but I added Xlibris to my spam filter two years ago. They never get past Earthlink now.

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  7. Now I'm disappointed. *~*

    I only got a paper offer from Xlibris - no e-mails. Guess I only warrant junk mail and not SPAM.

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  8. Ooh, I got one of those, but from Mercedes Bournias x 278. And when I didn't answer, she sent me an e-mail with the subject "A second note on publishing". I still have it lying around if you want to see the text, but it's a lot more pushing, "further detail about why you should consider publishing your book with us", blah blah blah.

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  9. Sarah, I got that same one. Sniff. Now I feel cheap.

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  10. Geez, I've not gotten any of this SPAM. I must not be a real author. Oh, woe is me . . . ;)

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  11. Those people are so in my spamguard since they contacted me two years ago. Now their generous offers land in the deep, dark and mouldy vaults of the yahoo Bulk folder. *mwuhaha*

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  12. Anonymous11:40 AM

    I got one of those, too, and also posted it on my site.

    Lee Goldberg

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  13. Anonymous2:21 PM

    I've actually had them enter spam on my contact form! They are PAYING somebody to visit sites and spam authors through whatever means they can.

    --Lydia

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  14. Now I'm going to sulk the rest of the week. I didn't get either SPAM or junk mail. Nobody cares about me *sniff*. This whine is a good vintage, anybody want some?

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  15. I didn't get the XLibris spam either. I guess that means, in the pecking order of writers, I'm somewhere around slug level. Oh well. *g*

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