Saturday, June 04, 2005

For the Good of Love

Diamond Heart Contest
Year: 2015
Entry #75,893

Title: For the Love of Mary Good
Category: Contemporary Romance (Pre-rated: Spicy)

Scene: John and Mary's Wedding Night

John stepped out of the honeymoon suite's bathroom, a look of relief on his handsome face. "Mary," he said gently, so as not to startle his blushing, virginal bride.

"That didn't take long," Mary said. He must have done number one instead of number two. She blushed.

"Too much punch at the reception," he admitted, as if reading her thoughts. "My darling, at long last, it's time."

"Time to . . ." Mary hardly dared breathe the words, and blushed deeply. "Consummate our love, dearest?"

"We're married, and this is our honeymoon. Finally we're free
to . . ." John took out his PDA and checked a stored memo from Mary's mother on romantically correct terms. "Do it."

"Oh, John. Are you certain?" Mary dared to glance at that place below John's belt, a place upon which she had never directly gazed while they were dating. Even through the thick tweed of his pleated trousers, she could see that his . . . thing . . . was ever
so . . . ready.

The naughty-girl thoughts made her blush again. What would her famous romance writer mother say if she knew what her innocent daughter was thinking right at this moment?

John approached her with slow, careful steps. "Do you know what I love most about you, Mary?"

She peeped up through her lashes at him. "Tell me, dearest." She could feel the blush spreading over her face. "Only be careful. Mother did give you an updated copy of her romantically correct word list, didn't she?"

"Yes, as always. I'll memorize it tomorrow." He was a true gentleman and refused to look down at the high-necked bodice of her wedding gown. "What I love most about you -- besides your kindness, gentleness, chastity, devotion to your Higher Power, membership in the Conservative Girls Who Don't Want the Vote, the charity job working a safe distance from those handicapped straight lepers with AIDs, and your lovely yet discreet feminine wardrobe hand-picked by your mother . . ." he frowned. "Did I forget anything?"

"No, that's perfect," a blushing Mary assured him. He'd forgotten her donations of used clothing to the Children of Unfortunate Heritage, but that was only twice a year, so she could let it slide.

"Right, thanks." He smiled. "What I love is that part of you I can now, you know, admire with more than my respectful glances. Your full, womanly, beautiful . . ." he looked left and right, and then lowered his voice to a mere whisper to add, "bosums."

Mary's mother, who had been hiding in the suite's walk-in closet to assure herself that her new son-in-law wasn't a sex maniac (as she had rightly suspected for the last four years), burst into the room.

"John!" she screamed. "How could you! Speaking that filthy word in front of my little girl! What kind of monster are you?"

"But, Mom," Mary whined as she blushed with embarassment. "We're married now, and it's not on the list!"

"It will be after my next chapter meeting, baby. As for you, you indecent, sex-crazed pervert" --Mary's mother lifted her arm and pointed to the door-- "Get out, and expect the annulment papers from our family attorney tomorrow."

John's masterful features drooped as he trudged out of the honeymoon suite. Mary abruptly burst into tears of shame that trickled down over her blushing cheeks. Mary's mother picked up the phone to call Romance Central HQ, grimly determined to report the violation voluntarily, as was clearly specified in the new membership packet.

"Tara? This is Mary's mother. My soon-to-be-ex son-in-law used the b-word. I'm so sorry. We chaperoned their dates for four years, but he was a good actor. Yes, he had your list. Probably a serial rapist, I agree. I understand you have to remove my website link. I can only thank God for you brave, brave women. I'll take her in right away." Mary's mother hung up the phone and jerked her weeping daughter to her feet. "All right, time to go back to the convent."

"No!" Mary shrieked, blushing with humiliation. "I hate the convent! I hate it!"

"You can't hate the convent, not when it's run by the Sisters of the Immaculate Love Scene," Mary's mother said. "They set the standards of decency for love and romance. Why, without them, his country would be overrun by the . . . " she consulted the laminated terminology card that she always carried in her pocket. "Heterosexually-challenged."

"But Mom," Mary sobbed, blushing furiously. "I love him."

"If he truly loved you, sweetheart, he'd have not treated you like a . . . " Mary's mother checked both sides of the card. "I can't say what, but it's someone who genuinely does not respect the sanctity of true romance. Now, let's go." She ripped Mary's veil from her head. "My future career as a romance writer depends on how hard you pray with the Sisters for your soul. John's is lost to you forever."

(Author's note: Hi, judges! I know this scene ends with the black moment, but after this part John actually cleans up his bad boy behavior and goes to the Romance Convent to win Mary's heart. I'd be happy to send the subsequent HEA along as soon as I can get the kissing scene in it approved by the Diamond Heart Entry Morals Committee.)

Comments by Judges:

Judge #1: What's Mary's motivation? This doesn't work for me.
Judge #2: Too many rape references.
Judge #3: Refused to judge this category
Judge #4: Refused to judge this category
Judge #5: Refused to judge this category
Judge #6: H/H were rather extreme. Liked the mother.
Judge #7: Refused to judge this category
Judge #8: Disqualified; right margin is .000813 mm shorter than guideline
Judge #9: Heroine seems over-eager. Hero too alpha!
Judge #10: Refused to judge this category

26 comments:

  1. I swear you are a hoot! LOL! I've informed the dh about his duty to install Permalinks. We'll see what happens.

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  2. Sigh. And I had so hoped you'd remain eligible to maintain your links, but I see you're just too brazenly heathen.

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  3. I think I'm gonna swoon with mirth.

    Hey, would Mary want a slightly-used razor? I've got one in storage. Someone might as well get some use out of the bloody - er - messy old thing, and I thought she'd like to introduce it to Mama.

    No, wait... wrong genre.

    Banned For Bosums. Too funny!

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  4. That's a riot! Jordan sent me over for a laugh and I enjoyed it immensely. :p

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  5. I just read the 'news' on Holly's site and came over here wondering what you would have to say.

    The cats ran as I started chortling. The neighbors probably heard me laughing by the end.

    You have such a wonderful, entertaining way of making a point!

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  6. Anonymous1:42 AM

    I fail to understand the point of your post.
    The reasons for the failure of this entry are obvious.

    Romance heroes do not use the bathroom.
    Romance heroes never drink too much punch.
    Romance heroes do not wear tweed trousers.
    The writer has specified that the heroine blushed on ten separate occasions. Such furious blushing obviously indicates the rash that only comes with sexual stimulation. Apparently, Mary is masturbating, even as her beloved speaks to her, and such a whore is not fit to be the heroine of a romance novel.

    Suggest the writer try one of the easier, less reputable erotic competitions. The Plain Brown Wrapper Contest is, I believe, looking for entries...

    ~Dreamweaver

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  7. Wonderful way to make a point!

    Thank you!

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  8. Oh, you red hot mama. For shame.

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  9. It's too early to laugh this hard. Excuse me while I go clean off the coffee I just spit onto keyboard.

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  10. ROFLMAO!

    Unfortunately, I fear there are people out there who would buy this sh...um...stuff.

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  11. Mary wants it! She's nothin' but a harlot! How dare you even consider this drivel a romance!

    Carter, there are a ton of people out there who read that stuff every day! Probably the same people who watch desperate housewives but would never admit it *grin*

    I had so much fun reading this! Thanks!

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  12. You are so deliciously wicked, PBW. lol.

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  13. Bless you for finding the funny in this. I'd almost forgotten to try.

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  14. Too damn funny. Thanks for the laugh!

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  15. ROFLOL

    That's another example for "things American" I can only shake my head at from the safe distance Across the Pond. There people have problems with linking to covers which are on full display in every German library, and on the other side I remember a report about teenagers in Florida celebrating some school finals by doing a lot more than display *cough* cleavages (or is that word on the naughty list, too?). A country of extremes, truly. ;)

    *goes off to write a steamy gay scene* :)

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  16. LOL, thanks for the laugh. I can SO see this happening, which only makes it more funny. Now you should archive (bronze) this to display when you go up for your precog award :).

    Cheers,
    Margaret

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  17. LOL all the way through it! You've a great sense of humor, especially the judges comments..hehehehe

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  18. THIS! Christine3:20 AM

    Do they even realise they've outlawed their Queen (Nora), shit, tit, fuck???
    Pretty sure she uses all of those.

    In fact, it would seem the only genre they haven't outlawed with their language guideline is inspirational. Intentional?

    X

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  19. Anonymous3:50 AM

    Perhaps the RWA is now focussing their attentions on the niche "erotica for puritans" program, such as:

    They can hold hands, but they have to stand at least a body's width apart.

    A flower bouquet can only contain a maximum of three roses, lest it inspire lacivious thoughts and an abundance of petals....

    The hero and heroine must stay at separate hotels if not married, and the hotels must be at least a block apart.

    All chair and piano legs must be covered. No undressed furniture.

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  20. lolol! It's a good thing I'd finished my coffe before I read this. Leave it to you to express the humor in this situation.

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  21. Brilliant -- of course, I have learned that I am Misinformed and Hysterical, so my accolades are surely suspect. As it turns out, you cannot believe what you read. All will be made clear when the board members at BEA return to their homes. In the meantime, I am supposed to not get my panties in a twist (I wish I could make this stuff up!) and learn to love the policy.

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  22. I feel sorry for you, RWA--Lee and PBW have trounced your butt.

    That's okay, isn't it? Butt? I know ass is right out of here.

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  23. Oh my gosh, this is fabulous!

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  24. Not sure who's funnier you or Dreamweaver =)
    And if RWA is all twisted up over erotica covers, they should see some of the German covers for mainstream RS I've seen. Their eyeballs would go up in flames.
    going over to see what Lee had to say.

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  25. What I want to know is, were Mary's tits real or did she buy them? If they're custom made, who's her surgeon? John's woody seems real taken by them. I wouldn't mind a new pair myself!

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  26. Anonymous10:38 PM

    So, SO great!

    Sonja
    http://www.xanga.com/Sonja

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