Winners

Many, many inspired responses to the Lover Eternal giveaway; I had no idea you all were such a romantic bunch. I have a pile of books and movies I'll have to re-read and re-see now.

The names of the four giveaway winners are:

Charlene Teglia

Jeri

Lisa Pulliam

Juliet

Winners, please e-mail me at LynnViehl@aol.com with your full name and mailing address so I can get Lover Eternal and the promised surprise out to you (why, no, I'm still not going to tell you what it is. Don't mug the mailman, now.) My thanks to everyone who participated, you all made this one a lot of fun.

Newsish

On the Publishing front this week:

Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan's memoirs were auctioned off for at least $7 million dollars.

I'm guessing Al won't be one of the names on the publisher's author advance-cut list.

Dan Brown is back in court again.

To even things out, we should make Scott Turow give tours of the Louvre.

An Ex-CIA agent is suing the federal government for messing with his book and his constitutional rights.

Freedom of speech, it's not just for everyone anymore.

Seriously, though, I'm sure Mr. Greenspan's memoirs will make (cough) fabulous reading, but what in God's name is an 80-year-old man going to do with seven million dollars? Can't everyone who wants to sue Dan get together and do a class action thing to get it over with? And has someone conveniently misplaced the Constitution again?

One final newsish note: Although sales of James Frey's books (we won't call them memoirs) still seem to be quite brisk, the author's faux past prompted his agent to dump him, and now his publisher has, too.

Any interesting news or news links in your corner of publishing? Post them in comments.

Lover Eternal

Ladies, as of today, the boys are back in town.



Okay, okay, quit drooling on my blog.

To celebrate the return of the Brotherhood, I have four unsigned copies of Lover Eternal to giveaway -- all that was left at my BAM by the time I got there tonight -- and one of them could end up on your nightstand, along with a surprise*.

To snag one, tell us in comments to this post which characters from fiction (or movies, or TV, or whatever) whom you consider to be truly immortal lovers**. Post your romantic pick by midnight EST on Wednesday, 3/8/06, and I'll randomly draw four names from everyone who participates and post the names of the winners here by noon EST on Thursday, 3/9/06. Giveaway open to everyone on the planet, even if you've won something here before.

*No, I'm not going to tell you what it is.

**For example, my first pick would be Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice.

Info Ten

Ten Things About Online Info Sources

1. Need some answers? Go to Answers.com (I remember them when they were GuruNet....)

2. For you SF writers looking for world-building ideas, check out the planetary info at Exoplaneten.de.

3. Another dangerous place I visit far too frequently, FreeMedicalJournals.com.

4. LibrarySpot.com has most of the reference sources that a RL library has; you almost expect a virtual old lady to pop up on the screen and shush you when you get too loud.

5. Find names and links to U.S. and global newspapers, mags, radio stations and other news resources over at Newlink.org.

6. I can't explain how the Objectgraph Dictionary works, 'cause the theory is written in geek, but the results when you type in a word and then click on the dictionary or thesaurus database option are very cool.

7. No porn, but still probably not safe to look at during your next RWA chapter meeting: Sexuality.org.

8. Get your free, one-click, no-spyware toolbar dictionary download over at Starware.com .

9. The online French, Spanish and Italian dictionaries at WordReference.com are superb, and with one click you can read the site itself in French, Spanish, Italian or English.

10. A kid-safe online dictionary for the youngsters to use can be found at Yahooligans.

Weird SF

I was feeling a little flat tonight, so while I was backing up the daily edits, I got online and generated this for fun:

A disturbed writer is starving in a computer-generated fortification.

Oh, so it's another semi-autobiographical novel. Okay.

Her supply of food is destroyed by an ethereal parasite.

Mutant butterfly* gobbles up all the available Terran chow. In the computer-generated fortification. Of the starving, disturbed writer. This better not be a literary SF novel.

With the help of a mute AI,

Shit, there goes the dialogue. Let's make him a mute telepathic AI.

she must choose between long life and integrity

Such a difficult and challenging choice to make when one is starving alongside RoboDummy and Mothra the protein-bar junkie in Ye Olde Virtual Fortress (eye roll.) Scuse me, waitress, I'll have an order of long life, hold the integrity, please.

in order to avert disaster and save her land.

and there's my title: The Matrix 4: System Rewrite.

Want your own weird SF plot? Get one over at the Science Fiction Plot Generator (snitched from the Generator Blog.)

*I've already written a mutant butterfly SF novella; you can download Deimos in .pdf format here if you want to read it; about 600KB so it takes a couple of minutes for anyone on dial-up.

Oral Paradox

Found while reading a romance novel today:

He put his tongue into her mouth and whispered, "This is like what will happen when we really, you know, do it."*

This line is from a straight romance, too, not the tale of a paranormal shape-shifter with a triple-jointed pseudopod lurking behind his pearly whites. Which brings me to my post topic: can you have your tongue in someone's mouth and whisper at the same time?

I've never tried, personally, but I'm thinking no here. Unless you're Gene Simmons, you usually don't have a lot of available lip movement space when you're giving a French kiss. You could trying grunting the words, I suppose, but still, wouldn't it come out sounding like "Ih ih ah ih ah-eh eh ee ee-ee, oo oh, oo ih"?

Whispering while tongue-kissing also has kind of a creepy cell-phone-usage-while-driving feel to it, too. Can't he wait until they break for gasps of air? Or is this like the new PC thing to do when a hero kisses a virginal heroine? Here's my tongue, darling, and it's just like this other thing I'm going to insert in you.

And excuse me, but no, having someone's tongue in your mouth is not like what happens when you, you know, really do it. Two completely different organs, two very different sensations. Well, unless your hero is having some problems down south. Then it might feel more like a tongue. Or look more like it, anyway.

Maybe this guy was tired. Not like it's a picnic, being the hero of a romance novel. If the poor guy isn't chasing the heroine, he's preserving her honor, battling her enemies, or whisking her off to some romantic setting where they can be alone for exactly eight hours before the next plot crisis or his bitch of a scheming mother/ex-girlfriend/business partner/distant cousin and heir to his estate arrives, whichever will cause the darkest moment. Making sparks fly is damn hard work.

Sure, you laugh now, but stuff like this is important for writers to know. Next time your hero has his tongue in your heroine's mouth and has to whisper something to her, you'll thank me for this post.

*Line has been slightly reworded to protect the author.

Friday 20

A couple of Fridays back I promised to hunt around and see if I could find some alternative voice recognition software programs. I've found one that seems pretty interesting, IVOS, for a very afforable $10.00.

Also from this site I came across another program that converts speech to text and also converts recorded MP3, WAV and WMA speech recordings to text, aptly named Wave to Text, for $39.00.

Both programs are cheaper than the Dragon, but if you're interested in buying them do thoroughly check out the details and system requirements before you do.

A few concerned e-mails have come in about the Dilemma post. To clarify a few things:

1. I haven't stopped giving quotes to other writers. I'm just burned out on it at the moment and I need a break for a while.

2. I've never accepted free books from anyone for PBW; with the exception of my own author copies I really do purchase all the books that I give away here. I can show you the receipts if you want.

3. I may occasionally kid around about stuff like the eBay forgery/photoshop thing, but I would never do something like that to another writer.

3a. I will fantasize about it on occasion, though.

4. If professional courtesy were easy, everyone would have it.

I still need to update the blog for March and fix some links, but I'm in the final stretch of a first draft and racing toward the finish line. Expect better blog housekeeping shortly. How goes the writing with you guys? Any questions for me this week?

Books for New Orleans

Bill Peschel's post about book donations needed to rebuild New Orleans' public library system prompted me to pack up a box of books to send to them today. Authors, readers -- everybody -- please consider doing the same.

Dilemma

Here before me sits a typical author dilemma: six unsolicited packages with manuscripts, galleys and books, all from writers looking for quotes, backing from me on the weblog, or campaigning for votes.

After correctly predicting J.R. Ward would make a huge debut, my quotes for vampire fiction have apparently attained a certain cult value. Given last year's quote request flood, though, I need some lag time on quoting. I pick the books I talk about and giveaway here on my own to keep it fair. And God, I could get a tattoo on my forehead that reads Not a member of anything, can't vote for you and people would still send me books.

I can't toss the stuff because I'm a pansy that way, so there's about fifty bucks in return postage to send everything back. Not a big deal. Really. I remember how it feels to be a rookie writer and the pressure to get blurbs, backing and awards. I should send sympathy cards back with the books.

Here's the dilemma: what do you do when you've already politely turned down a book-offering writer via e-mail and the writer's publisher still sends you the book (or, in this case, three copies of the book?) Do you:

a) E-mail the writer and inquire what of your response wasn't understood, the "N" or the "O"

b) Send a copy of your original no-thanks e-mail to the writer's publisher, and then thank them for your three new doorstops

c) Donate the books to Friends of the Library because it's not nice to make other writers' books into doorstops

d) Wonder why the hell you're so nice

e) Ship the books back to the publisher and enclose a note suggesting the writer's editor and the writer start talking to each other more often

f) Write a weblog entry about it because you're a wishy-washy idiot and don't know what to do

g) Any of the above, but for fun draw curly black mustaches on the protagonist depicted in the cover art first

h) Tear out the pages and make chains of origami cranes out of them, pack them in a box and send that back to the publisher, along with a cryptic Asian poem about the path of least resistance

i) Send them to Marjorie because she's nicer than you

j) Give them to Mom for the church thrift store

k) Wonder if your publisher is doing crap like this with your books

l) Brood

m) Write an e-mail to your editor and ask her if she's doing crap like this with your books

n) Read the jacket blurb and rethink the whole church thrift store idea.

o) Take two aspirin and kick the box the books came in a few times.

p) Forge the author's signature and sell them on eBay. Include a very personal message from the author on the title page describing a sexual encounter at a conference in a broom closet and mention an obsession with rubber clothing and/or wearing diapers.

q) Enjoy the thought of p) for a few minutes, then take your black cohosh and remember that you are supposed to be resisting the Dark Side of the Force.

r) Even if you could photoshop the author's bio photo to add a fun-looking sexual partner and some interesting marital aid accessories, print out some copies and stick them in the back pages before you forge the message and sell the books on eBay.

s) You're thirty minutes late posting your blog entry, idiot, make up your mind.

t) Resolve to send the books back to the publisher with a polite no-thanks note and say nothing to the author because you're not really as hostile as your imagination thinks you are

u) Most of the time.

Beloveds

We all have books we enjoy rereading, particularly the ones we designate as keepers. Even the crustiest, jaded bookworm out there has a shelf or a stash of favorite reads. My collection is about average, I think -- two authors' complete works and one full bookcase of individual titles by others -- but I know a couple of readers who have keeper rooms.

Then there are those rare books that go beyond keeper/favorite status into the realm of beloved. Stories we never tire of reading, no matter how many times we do. First editions lovingly cherished, dusted, and placed in a position of honor in our personal libraries. Books that we keep lender copies of so that no one has to touch our favorite copy and get their cooties on it.

What makes a novel transcend to the level of beloved is in the eye of the reader/beholder, I guess. One of my best beloveds is The Long Winter by Laura Ingalls Wilder, which I've been reading once or twice a year for the past thirty-two years. The original copy my Aunt gave me is sealed in a ziplock bag at present, as its pages are brittle, brown and falling out of the crumbling spine. If the house caught on fire, I will grab the kids, my guy, the pets, and this book. I have twelve other copies of TLW all over the house, and a box of giveaway copies to hand out to whatever kid I can convince to read it.

Why is TLW so beloved by me? It's a kid's book, and I'm really not much on kid fiction; I was reading Shakespeare by the time I was ten. But this one spoke to me when I was a girl who had never seen snow, a girl the same age as the author was when she struggled to survive with her blizzard-bound family during a endless winter. I can't eat a baked potato without thinking of one of the meals described in TLW. I once gave my sisters duplicates of the Christmas gifts described in the story. I even tried to twist hay into sticks and then set the results on fire to see how they burned (and kids, don't try this at home. You'll get grounded until you're thirty.)

Not all beloved novels are easy books to love. There are some with which we have odd, love/hate relationships. #1 on that list for many people is probably the Bible, another beloved I've wrestled with most of my life. Cold Mountain by Charles Frazier is one of my most unreasonable beloveds, though. It frustrated me to the point of ripping out the last pages and feeding them with enormous pleasure into my office shredder (I did a similar thing to A Tale of Two Cities in high school but got a detention for it. One of the greatest joys of adulthood: being able to buy and vandalize books when I feel like it.)

Last week I received an unexpected and lovely gift, a copy of the newest addition to my keeper shelf, signed and sent by an author I admire a lot (who also apparently reads my books, can I dig a hole in the ground and hide in it forever now?) I don't know if it will become a beloved -- I've only read it once so far -- but I'm already itching to take it down from the shelf and dive in it again.

What are some of your beloveds, and why do you think they mean so much to you?

Sale-o-Rama

First Larissa sells, then Stephanie sells, and now Cece Stuart has sold. Sales are becoming so contagious we might have to call the CDC (not.)

Congratulations, ladies. The scales of publishing are definitely tipping on the cool side of things this week.

The W-List

NewYorkMetro.com has a long but interesting article on those who have (and haven't) turned blogging into big bucks. Definitely worth a read if you're interested in how much money the A-List makes (where do writers come in alphabetically on this list, I wonder? At W?)

I started PBW mainly for friends and a small circle of acquaintances, and as it grew beyond that have tried to keep it primarily a resource for writers. If I help another writer, I score one for me. As in, if I can do something positive for every rejection letter, every scam attempt, every unfair deal, every hatchet job and every act of envy or malice I've seen or experienced, then I balance the scales. Publishing's scales are seriously out of whack, so I think I'll be doing this for a while yet.

In return, most of you guys have stopped in here daily, cheered me on, taken me to task, applauded my highs, commiserated with me on my lows, shared ideas and info, and otherwise provided a constant connection with a community that has never before accepted me. The road-to-hell paving of my good intentions aside, I've benefited from your presence, your comments, your weblogs, and this connection. Someday I'll get all soppy and tell you exactly how much. Until then, thank you.

Many of you have also gone out, bought a lot of my books and made this a very popular place. This is supposed to be how it works, and I'm grateful for this, too, but I'm not exactly comfortable with it. I don't think of you as my market. I think of you as a hundred other variations on me, out there slogging away at the job and in need of that same connection. The only thing that eases my guilt is that I'm not constantly shoving my books in your face and demanding you buy and admire them and, by extension, me. I want to give back, not take. If I somehow forget my purpose and start doing unattractive things like that, please, God, boycott me.

I still have fun doing this, too; it's a pleasure every time I log in (tonight especially; I've ditched my revisions for an hour to give my brain a break.) I got to sneak over and congratulate Stephanie Tyler on her first sale, MacBride on his birthday and turning, what, twenty-two years old? as well as catch up on a little e-mail. The timer just dinged so I have to log out, but tomorrow I'll be back. The business of blogging will always be a factor whether I like it or not, but it's the pleasure, those scales, and you guys that keep me posting.

Your turn: should we writers blog for business, pleasure, to keep those connections hooked up, to pay it forward, balance out the scales, or all of the above? Tell us what you think in comments.

Alfred's Ten

An observation for those of you expecting Madam's imminent return: considering the amount of profanity being issued from behind a certain locked door at this hour, I would not place a serious wager on it.

So that your stop here was not a complete waste of your valuable internet time, here are

Ten Items Madam Would Find Hard to Resist

1. For those of you with a street credibility deficit, or merely unadorned knuckles, do have a go at the GlassGiant.com's Bling Generator.

2. The mind boggles over the Automatic Prose and The Emily Dickinson Random Epigram Machine at Logopoeia.com.

3. Correct nature's unfortunate mistakes -- or give a nemesis a poufy blonde afro and Carmen Diaz lips -- with Getmakeovers.com's free virtual makeover.

4. Write your name or phrase as would an ancient Egyptian at Hieroglyphs.net.

5. Add quite nifty dimensional special effects to your image online at Chami.com's Image Embellisher.

6. GlassGiant.com also offers a random maze generator (Madam is inordinantly fond of labyrinths.)

7. Incompetech.com offers an interesting Name Generator.

8. Language is a Virus provides the instant muse gratification of an automatic Poetry Generator.

9. Especially for Dr. Hoffman, who shares Madam's love of cooking, meal suggestions from Random Food Generator.

10. Finally, why should one work when one may generate Work Haiku?

I am in debt to Gerard at The Generator Blog for all of the above links. Now I must return to the armament area and assure that the automatic weapons are fully operational and that Madam has not again exhausted the supply of nitro. I trust your week will be equally as pleasant and productive.

Yours Faithfully,
Alfred

Bloggus Interruptus

The winners of the Redneck Haiku giveaway are:

Katherine
Cece Stuart
Carter
PJ

Winners, please e-mail me at LynnViehl@aol.com with your full name and ship-to address, and I'll get these out to you on Monday. Bubba Frank says "thanks y'all" to everyone who joined in.

I'm unplugging from the internet for a couple of days to carry out a top secret mission to save the world. That sounds so much more exciting than to finish my revisions, doesn't it? Yeah, I thought so, too. It should only take the weekend, but if I'm gone a bit longer don't worry -- this book has a history of not being very cooperative. If I can pry Alfred out of the weapons room, he'll keep you posted on my progress.

Friday 20

Tonight I discovered that the only thing more painful than watching an ice skater fall during her final Olympic performance is listening to an idiot announcer rip her to shreds for it. These girls train for long, brutal years and sacrifice just about everything else to achieve this moment. When they fall, or otherwise fail to offer perfection, they deserve a bit more than "I wish she'd tuck in her laces" or "I'd say her career is over."

Finally I turned off the sound. Best thing I ever did, too, because without the fuss and noise being made over it, and even without the background music, ice skating is gorgeous to watch. Even when the skater stumbles or falls -- or maybe it's more beautiful when they do. Because if you think it takes courage to go out onto that ice to skate for a gold medal for your country, think how much it takes to keep skating when you've probably blown your only chance at it.

Writers have that kind of courage. You remember that the next time some jackass takes a swipe at you from the safety of the spectators' seats.

Any questions?

CCC Giveaway Winners

If anyone is looking for something new to add to their TBR pile, I'd print out all the responses to the CCC Giveaway post and use them as a shopping or library hit list. Great characters that stay with us like this always make for terrific stories.

Anyway, it's that time again -- yes, I double-checked this time -- so here are the names of the winners of the CCC giveaway:

Valerie

Irysangel

Sandra

Andi

Winners, please e-mail me at LynnViehl@aol.com with the e-mail address to which I should send the CCC download file, and thanks to everyone who joined in -- I will definitely be checking out some of your favorite characters, too.

Redneck SF

After reading the further adventures of Hardboiled Jesus, I could not resist resurrecting another little savior story from my old hard drive. So, without further to-do:

---------------------------------------
Doon
by Bubba Frank Hubbit

In the hours before they hightailed it to Arkansas, when all the last minute rushing round like headless chickens had got to a nearbout unbearable fricasse, an old lady from the Penny Jesuits' Church of Sweet Jesus Come on Home and Save Us Already dropped on in to sit a spell with Paul's mom and them.

It were a warmish night at Cal and Dan's Trailer Park, and home of a rusting junkyard of single-wides, including the one all bashed up from Katrina that the Traydees family had squatted in for pert near going on twenty-six days straight. Like Paul, the whole park was a-shivering under that cold, sweaty suspicion everybody had about a cut to their welfare and disability checks, thanks to them Washington politicians what sold their souls to The Evil One and didn't know the wretched time poorfolks had just a-scraping up enough change each weekend for Bud, Lotto tickets, Sonny's takeout and RAW on pay-per-view.

The old church lady jimmied the lock on the sidescreen door and gimped down the particle board passage by the can, where Paul Traydees slept, seeing he was the only one what could fit on the mildewed floor of that there shower stall while his five cousins, Aunt and her boyfriend and their dog John stayed in his room. She hitched up some so's she could take a gander at him where buddy ray lay all curled up like the lil goober he was.

By the blue zitz from the outside bug zapper, fading and dangling as it were by a thread of clothesline cord on account of being hit by a curve ball threw by Joe Bob Duncanny and slammered by that no-good Thrufer boy with the sadass daddy who named him after some dead President what everybody already done forgot?, the chilly boy child could see him that fat old preacher's bitcher a-peeping through the Tellatubbies shower curtain what his mama bought from the dollar store and used in place of the folding door that his daddy kicked in after coming home all a-pisser from Gator's on All Busch Night. Standing as she was length of a crowbar from his mama, witchy seeming -- Dolly Parton wig sitting sideaways on her big ole bowling ball head, paisley turtle neck waddled under her four chins, eyes like black jelly beans someone sucked on and not liking licorice had sput out.

"Dayum, Chessie, that boy evert gonna sprout t'all?" the nasty old thing inquired, wheezing afore she hocked up a big wad of snot.

"Hell if I know'd, Church Lady." Chessie took a drag off her Marlboro. "Supposed to be them Traydees are late bloomers, but his daddy were sure enough man-sized when we hitched up in fifth grade."

-----------------------------------------

Doon Inspired Giveaway: Bubba Frank has never gotten Doon published (something about a trademark lawsuit from the Tabasco people) but humor author Mary K. Witte has a wonderful little book out called "Redneck Haiku -- Double-Wide Edition" that I think is just as hilarious.

To win one of four unsigned copies of Redneck Haiku, post your suggestion for the next redneck masterpiece Bubba Frank should write in comments to this post by midnight EST on Friday, 2/24/06. Winners will be announced here by noon EST on Saturday, 2/25/06. Giveaway open to everyone on the planet, even if you've won something at PBW in the past.

MC Giveaway Winners Take 2

The first round of winners, which I picked too early because I was sucked into a 24 hour quantum wormhole or something, are listed here.

The second round of winners are:

Jennette

Eliza

LJ Cohen

CindyS

All winners, please e-mail me at LynnViehl@aol.com with your full name and ship-to address so I can get these books out to you, and again my thanks to everyone who joined in and were gracious about my boo-boo.

Endurance

Larissa Ione has been through a lot over the last six months. She survived Hurricane Katrina, which wiped out her community and destroyed her home. She's had to relocate across the country, with little more than the clothes on her back, and try to rebuild her life from scratch. While doing this, she's had to deal with being separated from her husband while he and the Coast Guard provided aid to other storm victims, and too much run around from the government that is supposed to be helping survivors like her.

Now imagine going through all the above and still finding the strength to keep working, writing and submitting. Larissa's friends rallied around her with what help we could provide, but through all this, she had to cope mostly on her own, and is still trying to cope. Most people would give up, but not Larissa. As a writer, she has the attitude and backbone of a true pro.

Today I am delighted to report that it finally paid off.

Welcome to the majors, Larissa.

Sure, I know what day it is

It's Screw-up Day! Oblivious of the Calendar Girl that I am, I went and drew the names for the MC Giveaway** a full twenty-four hours before I was supposed to. My only excuse is that it looked like Wednesday. And, when you think about it, every day sort of looks like Wednesday.

My apologies, and for everyone who entered who didn't win when they weren't suppose to, we'll have another, second-chance drawing tonight.

**Added: I've also reopened comments to the post so anyone who didn't get a chance to enter can, up until midnight EST tonight.