Thursday, February 28, 2008

Real Writing Awards

The endless glam of being a writer just took another hit; seems that the Quill Awards are history. Ah, well, it was nice while it lasted, wasn't it? Maybe they'll create something to replace it that recognizes the achievements of the working writer, such as:

The Marquis de Sade Statue: for most rejections endured in a one-year period

The Oliver Twist Trophy: for smallest advance check received by a full-time writer.

The Helen Keller Cross: for maintaining membership in a writer organization for more than one year.

The Phoenix Ribbon: for continuing to write after being dumped by a publisher.

The Maalox Plaque: for continuing to write after being dumped by an agent.

The Silver Trash Can: for throwing away up to 20 manuscript pages of lousy writing.

The Golden Valium: for throwing away up to 100 manuscript pages of lousy writing.

The Diamond Therapist's Couch: for throwing away an entire lousy manuscript of 101 pages or more.

The PBW Medal of Honor: for burning all copies, disk and manuscript, of the Book of Your Heart manuscript, in your backyard, and resisting the urge to sift through the ashes or ask your friend Lisa if she still has those chapters from it you asked her to read last February.

If you could create an award for working writers, what would you call it, and who would qualify?


  1. Anonymous1:58 AM

    The Dan Brown Golden Cardboard Figure - for the most over-the-top Conspiracy Theory in print. Right now.

  2. The Grab A Brain Award--for recognizing that even though it may serve the plot it makes no sense for your heroine to go down to the basement when the power goes off in the isolated farm house with a serial killer on the loose.

  3. Hey, I totally win the Silver Trash Can AND the Diamond Therapist's Couch. Although the 100+ pages weren't lousy which made it extra painful to see the story didn't work.

    I think we need the Wheaties Trophy, for continuing to show up every morning and write. PBW's picture would be on it. *g*

  4. Are you going to tell us the story behind the PBW Medal of Honor?

    I had a Silver Trash Can last week that I'm still reeling from. I'm sure it's going be one of a series.

  5. What's depressing is that I qualify for All these prizes.
    Can I just have them packed in a big box and fed-exxed, please?

    You forgot the Rotten Spud prize for being taken by a scammer agent, and the Broken Paddle prize for the most futile conferences attended, or...

    Well, I think I better stop here before I lost my Rubber Chicken Award for managing to keep my sense of humor after ten years of professional writing.

  6. The Platinum Cattle Prod - for the writer in your writer's group who has an awesome story that you really want to read more of, but who can't seem to write another chapter.

  7. Anonymous10:44 AM

    The Scarlett O'hara Drapes Award: because sometimes you have the words, you see they need to be made into something, but you just have to worry about it tomorrow... And when tomorrow comes, you have the staying power to make them into what they need to be.

  8. The Sisyphus Award -- For those who keep straining to push the boulder up hill even when it feels like you're in Hell.

  9. Burning the candle at both ends award for those that do too much and then don't remember what they did.

  10. The Platinum Lunchbox for those who work a day job and still write every day.

  11. The Rubber Duckie for parents who write while their kids sharpie the walls. I'll take seven, please. And those walls took some serious Kilz coats.

  12. Anonymous6:52 PM

    I loooove Eve Gale's additions.

  13. The Platinum Plunger Award: for dealing with repeated plumbing problems, replacing all of the piping from our toilets to the street, broken water pipes, abandonded cable wiring, gas leaks, blocked streets, and oh yes, a bogus bomb threat. All in one week (and my birthday). Can I go home now? :)
    P.S. Buffysquirel, I found the perfect picture on ICHC for you.

  14. Anonymous9:06 PM

    The USPS Golden Mailbox for Stalker of the Year: for any writer who's made the trek to the mailbox every day for an entire year without getting a response.


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