Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Myth, oh, Myth

Ten Popular Romance Novels Myths, with Corresponding Truths

1. All a man has to do is tell a woman that he loves her and she believes him.

All a man has to do is pass a Wasserman and sign an iron-clad pre-nup, and I'll believe him. Maybe. Okay, a lie detector test may be required.

2. All the things women do are merely to fill in the time while they're waiting to fall in love and live happily ever after.

I'm sorry, but who ARE these women, and how soon can we build a time tunnel and send them back to the eighteenth century?

3. Application of whipped cream all over a partner's body is delicious bliss.

Look, it's messy. You're going to need a big plastic sheet for starters. And even if you scrub yourself for an hour with plenty of soap and hot water during the post-bliss shower, you will miss something and then smell like sour milk the next day.

4. Guys always carry protection and produce it when necessary.

I've never known a man to produce protection at the necessary moment, ever. In case I just have lousy taste in men, I also polled friends, and the consensus is that most guys don't carry any at all, but when asked about it they almost always counter with, "Why, don't you have any?"

5. It's wonderful and romantic to fall asleep in your lover's arms.

No, it's hot and uncomfortable to fall asleep with a two-hundred pound man wrapped around you and snoring in your ear (your lover size/septum condition may vary.)

6. Lovers wake up in the morning to exchange passionate kisses.

Lovers wake up with morning breath, and unless Listerine or Scope is first employed, avoid facetime.

7. Marriage is the ultimate expression of love.

Marriage fails, what, like 75% of the time now? Which maybe makes marriage the #1 love-terminator.

8. Satin sheets are sexy.

Satin sheets are slippery. I wouldn't do anything on them that requires leverage or traction.

9. The average number of intimate acts a couple shares together during one night is three or better.

One, definitely, two, possibly, three, just maybe. More than that (there is always Viagara and Speed, I suppose) and both parties risk exhaustion and friction injuries.

10. Women (decent) do not know how to perform oral sex.

Middle school girls (decent) practice how to do it with bananas at pajama parties. What, you thought they wanted them for snacks?

What myths have you discovered in romance novels? Share them in comments.

32 comments:

  1. Okay, I'm just a little curious about how you know that not washing off all the whipped cream will leave a sour milk smell the next day. :)

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  2. My daughter is never, ever going to a slumber party. Never, ever, ever....

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  3. Darlene wrote: Okay, I'm just a little curious about how you know that not washing off all the whipped cream will leave a sour milk smell the next day.

    That's why we Yanks have the fifth ammendment.

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  4. Shiloh wrote: My daughter is never, ever going to a slumber party.

    I have four words for you: lunch period at school.

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  5. Lie: A man can only love and respect a woman who is Innocent. Yes, as in virginal.

    Truth: A man is prefectly capable of falling in love with a woman who has had some experience in the bedroom.

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  6. Obviously the US should ban the sale of bananas.

    I always wondered about that sleeping in each other's arms gig. My husband squashes all the breath out of me!

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  7. I'll have to disagree with you on #5 (5. It's wonderful and romantic to fall asleep in your lover's arms.) After 18 years of marriage my husband and I still fall asleep in each other's arms. In fact, when he doesn't go to bed at the same time as I do, then I have a hard time falling asleep because we're not wrapped up in each other. But as for all the other ones, you are right on!

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  8. Krista wrote: A man is prefectly capable of falling in love with a woman who has had some experience in the bedroom.

    Amen. I also wished there was a more convenient way for these fictional women to get rid of their virginity rather than being initiated by a drunk guy in college who is always a terrible lover. They should sell a product or something to help these girls out, like a virginity version of wart-remover.

    Hmmm. Maybe I should call Dr. Scholl's....

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  9. Buffysquirrel wrote: Obviously the US should ban the sale of bananas.

    I would mention some of the other things middle school girls use, but I've already gotten privately yelled at for ruining someone's love of bananas.

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  10. Sharon wrote: After 18 years of marriage my husband and I still fall asleep in each other's arms. In fact, when he doesn't go to bed at the same time as I do, then I have a hard time falling asleep because we're not wrapped up in each other.

    Awwww. I always love it when a myth turns out to be true for someone in real life. :)

    My guy broke his nose a million times while surfing, so he snores terribly (and nothing works to stop it.) I still love to cuddle with him, but for the sake of my eardrums I have to inch away as soon as he falls asleep.

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  11. Myth: Men always take extreme care to make sure that the woman comes first and/or more than once.

    *sigh* If only. *g*

    Uh oh -- my word verification is encest. Hmmm. "Really my darling, you must have the first orgasm. No, I encest!"

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  12. I have a lady friend who's husband is football player sized with muscles coming out the ears. She once lamented that he is too "hard" to sleep on.
    ;)

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  13. PBW, you're cruel.

    She doesn't really have to eat, does she? Americans eat too much in general, anyway, right?

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  14. Middle school girls (decent) practice how to do it with bananas at pajama parties. What, you thought they wanted them for snacks?

    I must have been oblivious to this when I was in middle school because I never knew it happened and never tried it myself. Perhaps I'm behind the curve in sex ed. *sigh*

    As for the rest of the myths and corresponding truths, they just made me laugh. :)

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  15. Lynn wrote: I would mention some of the other things middle school girls use, but I've already gotten privately yelled at for ruining someone's love of bananas.

    In sex ed class we were shown using a test tube. And that was at a very decent middle school!

    @No. 4 (the truth) I don't get that, why do they think *we're* off for not carrying it round, we're not the ones hoping to score every night!

    Ahhh, gotta love 'em.

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  16. Mary Stella wrote: Myth: Men always take extreme care to make sure that the woman comes first and/or more than once.

    Yeah, I think that one is a bit of a stretch, too, but I will say most men (of my acquaintance, anyway) do try their best to please their lady at some point during the festivities.

    Uh oh -- my word verification is encest. Hmmm. "Really my darling, you must have the first orgasm. No, I encest!"

    I didn't think insist, lol.

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  17. Dave wrote: I have a lady friend who's husband is football player sized with muscles coming out the ears. She once lamented that he is too "hard" to sleep on.

    Seconded. Really fit guys are not particularly cuddly (I dated a body builder who was extremely ripped; even hugging him usually bruised me somewhere.)

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  18. Shiloh wrote: PBW, you're cruel.

    Occasionally, but only to be kind.

    She doesn't really have to eat, does she? Americans eat too much in general, anyway, right?

    Lol. Okay, I'll cease and desist.

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  19. Lynn Viehl wrote, "I would mention some of the other things middle school girls use,"

    There's always pop bottles...(or for those of legal age or so inclined, a longneck beer bottle)

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  20. Anonymous1:40 PM

    As for point #7...

    I think the divorce rate is about 45% not 75%, although many people quote higher numbers.

    I'll always remember one idiotic TV program about divorce..."The divorce rate in Canada is 50%. The U.S. divorce rate is more than twice that."

    Really? More than twice 50%?

    When my 3 brothers and I all got married over a 5 year span, one brother looked around the room and said "Okay. So, who's not going to make it." 15 years later and we're all still paired with our first choice.

    Dave

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  21. Myth: A woman (decent) will only find sexual satisfaction (come her brains out) with her One True Love.

    Either I'm a freak of nature, or I'd need a service for twelve to feed all my One True Loves.

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  22. Shiloh, don't worry too much. I survived middle school and ninth grade without ever having to do anything to a banana, or any other fruit, for that matter.

    Meat products, on the other hand... (nah, just kidding. I'm a vegetarian.)

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  23. Okay, am I the only one thinking that the average size is, um, not representative of a romance novel hero's average size? And that bigger is not necessarily better?

    Yes, I had to go there. *g*

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  24. Shiloh, don't worry too much. I survived middle school and ninth grade without ever having to do anything to a banana, or any other fruit, for that matter.

    All of a sudden, home-schooling is looking very appealing.

    Whimper. Whine. Man, this mom thing is too hard.

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  25. Jean wrote: There's always pop bottles...(or for those of legal age or so inclined, a longneck beer bottle)

    Sure, and if they fill them with . . . whoops, forgot my promise. Sorry, Shiloh.

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  26. Dave wrote: I think the divorce rate is about 45% not 75%, although many people quote higher numbers.

    I've heard as high as 80%, although the percentages may have dropped dramatically after I stopped marrying men (and, by natural consequence, stopped divorcing them.)

    When my 3 brothers and I all got married over a 5 year span, one brother looked around the room and said "Okay. So, who's not going to make it." 15 years later and we're all still paired with our first choice.

    You guys are excellent pickers. :) Sad to say that all but one of my five sibs are divorced at least once now, so we're not so lucky here.

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  27. Selah wrote: Myth: A woman (decent) will only find sexual satisfaction (come her brains out) with her One True Love.

    Hang on. Gentlemen, please stop reading this comment. (waits) Okay, I think we're safe.

    Either I'm a freak of nature, or I'd need a service for twelve to feed all my One True Loves.

    Honey, I'm pretty sure that would make us ALL freaks of nature.

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  28. J wrote: Shiloh, don't worry too much. I survived middle school and ninth grade without ever having to do anything to a banana, or any other fruit, for that matter.

    Meat products, on the other hand... (nah, just kidding. I'm a vegetarian.)


    Sure you are. So I am, Shiloh. Really.

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  29. Charlene wrote: Okay, am I the only one thinking that the average size is, um, not representative of a romance novel hero's average size? And that bigger is not necessarily better?

    Well, it's, uh, . . .see, they . . . you had to go there, didn't you?

    Yes, I had to go there. *g*

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  30. Amethyst Willow wrote: In sex ed class we were shown using a test tube. And that was at a very decent middle school!

    Demonstrations, how cool. Man, in my day you couldn't even say the clinical term without getting sent to detention.

    @No. 4 (the truth) I don't get that, why do they think *we're* off for not carrying it round, we're not the ones hoping to score every night!

    Because it was insanely difficult to get on the pill when I was in high school, and I happened to worked as a cashier at a drug store, I used to buy condoms weekly to divvy them up among my girlfriends at school. Now that I think abot it, my boss must have thought I was a complete hussy.

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  31. The one that slays me every time is that having sex for the first time, you're guaranteed to have an orgasm, not just once, but multiple times. And that the guy will care if you bleed and wash you clean.

    Um...yeah. :~S

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  32. Uh huh. Number three explains why when I was trying to be frugal and was using yoghurt as a skin cleanser, I would always get odd looks. No matter how much I rinsed, there was always that tang of sour milk. People were getting a whiff of that and thinking "I know what she's been up to."

    BTW, have you actually read a (recent) romance novel where the lovers used whipped cream, did it on satin sheets, and the heroine didn't have a vague idea how to give oral sex? Me neither. The other seven? Yes, oh yes. Isn't that part of what the whole fantasy world we enter when we read a romance is all about? A world we wish existed where love is true, men are honourable, no woman is ever left thinking "Hey, what about MY orgasm?" while her partner snores next to her, and morning breath just doesn't exist.

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