Ten Things I Don't Want for Christmas
Anything Collectible: I am through collecting things other people want me to collect. Except hundred dollar bills. Those I still gladly accept.
Book Clip-on Lights: Friends and family love to give these to me, so I currently have one for just about every book I own, and maybe enough for all the books at the local library, too. Actually I think if I turned them all on I could single-handedly illuminate Cleveland.
Cosmetics: Under the sink I have forty-nine untouched jumbo all-in-one gifts sets of color-coordinated eye shadow, lip gloss, nail polish, blush and so forth. I'm allergic to all of them, plus the hypoallergenic makeup brands, too. You'll just have to deal with my freckles and flaws au naturale.
Cute Bookends: I know some folks think pudgy resin statues of moon-faced young children bending over to prop up things with their plump behinds are adorable, but having them do that to my books is really kinda creepy.
Infomercial Items: If a man with a beard or a bad tan screamed at you to buy it and get a second set for free (plus shipping) chances are it's going to end up in my Goodwill donation box, just like last year's lousy folding colanders (impossible to get clean), the roll-everywhere floor sweeper (the pet hair around here clogged it up in ten seconds flat) and the chocolate fountain (that was just plain cruel.)
Layered Mixes in a Mason Jar: I love to cook, which means I get about five thousand jars o' mixes a year. Every holiday, I swear, it's Mrs. P's Valentine cherry muffin mix in a jar or H.B.'s Easter Banger Soup Beans in a Jar. I don't celebrate holidays anymore; I'm too busy making the stuff in the gift jars. So if you genuinely want me to have chocolate chip cookies, please, bake them for me and bring them on a plate. I beg you.
Naughty Nighties: Look in the Fredrick's of Hollywood catalog. See any old, chubby white-haired chicks losing the battle with gravity modeling the black lace cat suits and the purple patent leather merry widow? No? I rest my case.
Small Appliances: I'm 47 years old. I have them all. Trust me.
Vampire Stuff: This is tricky, because I love vampire stories, so anything in the vampire fiction book department is okay (but unless it's romance, I've probably also read it.) But the vampire ephemera (capes, plastic fangs, posters, bloodstone pendants, gothwear, gory vampire flicks, Anne Rice before she got into Boy Jesus memorabilia, etc.) is not really my schtick.
Watches: I refuse to wear them. Out of maternal guilt, I keep the one the kids gave me for my birthday clipped around the strap of my purse. The one from last Christmas is at the bottom of my purse. The one from the birthday before that is in the glove compartment of my car. I'm running out of places to hide them.
What do I want, you ask? Peace on Earth would be nice.
What don't you want as a gift this holiday season?