Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Widgety

from the Acme Widget Co. 2005 Fall Catalog

--Promotional Bookmarks section--

Classic Bestsellers

Item #9909: REMEMBER ME NOT

Somewhat laminated lightweight paper bookmarks featuring a fuzzy cover thumbnail and nebulous, artfully emphasized quote of your choice in hard-to-read but so pretty italic script:

A. The brilliant debut novel -- ten years in the making.

B. Groundbreaking and breathtaking...the best book of the year!

C. The latest bestseller by the author of [title of last book that tanked]

D. The book of 1) your heart; 2) my heart or 3) everyone's heart

E. In the tradition of [insert name of better-selling author]

F. So much better than [The DaVinci Code, or insert name of other mega-bestselling novel]

G. "I totally loved this book!" quote by Norah Roberts (for an additional small fee, we will provide a signed certificate of authenticity from our in-house endorser, Norah.)

H. Starred review by PW [small print of Amazon.com reviewer's name placed on back of bookmark; reviewer should have the initials P. and W.]

I. (Small Press option) Don't miss out -- only limited quantities available!

Item #9910: ISN'T THIS CUTE

Cleverly-shaped bookmarks made of highest grade cheap colored plastic embossed with book title, author name, and website URL (surface flecks are natural embossment flakage.) Please specify shape desired:

A. Heart (Romance author) -- available colors: pale pink (sweet/no-sex romance); dusky pink (naughty but no actual sex romance); hot pink (chick-lit); hot pink with gold embossed cross (inspirational chick-lit); hot pink with embossed shoe (shoe-focused chick-lit); lace-embossed mauve (historical romance); pink with white polka-dots (unprotected sex romance); powder pink/blue (bun-in-the-oven romance); pink with embossed spurs (cowboy romance); pink with embossed spurs and fluttering veil (cowboy/runaway bride romance); pink/blue with embossed spurs, fluttering veil and barf bag (cowboy/runaway bride/secret baby romance); tartan-embossed red (Scottish historical); deep green (Irish historical romance or RITA loser); pale green with embossed tear drops (Irish historical romance or Golden Heart loser); white with embossed skull and crossbones (pirate romance) white with embossed sheep (PAN member); white with embossed hopeful-looking sheep (PRO member)....
[three pages later]
...purple with embossed handcuffs (romantica, some bondage); dusky purple with embossed whip (romantica, a lot of bondage); dusky purple three-hearts-in-one (romantica, menage); yellow-streaked dusky purple (erotica, watersports); yellow-and-red-streaked dusky purple (erotica, water and bloodsports); yellow-and-red-streaked dusky purple with embossed Great Dane (we don't want to know what you're writing, really, we don't); brown (Hispanic); brown with embossed hair (werewolves); black with red edge (vampire); black with black edge (African-American); black with embossed sheep (African-American PAN member)....[ See next page for 500 more color options]

B. Magnifying Glass (mystery author)

C. .44 Magnum Gun (crime fiction author) -- small (female author); large (male author); extra-large (ex-Amazon.com-reviewer/wannabe author)

D. Starship (science fiction author)

E. Laboratory Beaker (serious science fiction author)

F. Aberrant DNA strand (ultra serious academic spec-fic author [no charge for imprint on reverse side: don't call it science fiction, I don't write science fiction, you cretin])

G. Mirror (Slipstream author, really reflects!)

H. Cross (inspirational author)

I. Dove (non-denominational inspirational author)

J. Colliding Doves (confused non-denominational inspirational author)

K. Pentagram (Wicca, New Age, ex-Catholic author)

L. Pentagram with embossed Pope hanging from a rope (pissed-off ex-Catholic author)

M. Happy Face (humor author) [supplies limited due to standing order for Suzanne Brockmann]

N. Tombstone (horror author)

O. Stephen King's tombstone (midlist horror author)

P. Standard Buttocks (reviewer)

P. Large Buttocks with self-embossing kit (reviewer with website)

Q. Extra-Large Buttocks with embossed lip prints (professional reviewer)

R. Clenched Fist with Middle Finger Extended (any author; inquire about availability of special S.L. Viehl reserve stock embossed with NASA logo)

Item #9911: AREN'T I CRAFTY?

Do-it-Yourself Bookmark kits (finished item not intended for actual use as a bookmark)

A. Eastern European Lamp glass bead kit -- assorted shapes/colors/sizes beads imported from third world European country, complete with flimsy, thin beading cord and instructions in Hungarian (no extra charge for sharp and broken edges on beads, powdered glass residue, small shards, or desperate notes from sweat shop workers)

B. Clunky Pot Metal Object kit -- will vaguely resemble cat, dog, flower, fairy or other appealing symbol, flimsy jump ring for ribbon attachment (ribbon not included; antique rust patina free of charge)

C. Resinous Oozing Plastic kit -- low-grade suppurating plastic, easy to cut, leaves indelible stain on pages (note: will glue pages together if left in book for more than 24 hours, good for insuring return buyers.)

D. Mystery kit -- surprise assortment of craft items to inspire your creative side (let us pick; we've got plenty of crap around here you can tie a ribbon to.)

Item #9912: RWA/RT ROOKIE BASKET SPECIAL

Any of the catalog items ordered in bulk lots of 15,000. UPS delivered to RWA National Conference or RT Annual Conference Goodie Room in bargain basket (some imperfections, broken canes, loose handles, etc.) tied with lopsided wrinkled bow and padded with junk mail shred. Available for order by first-time published authors only.

19 comments:

  1. You mean you don't want one of my fridge magnets?! Gasp.

    I turned this around by including a fridge magnet gag in book two. Hal orders four cartons of the things to promote his business, and can't get rid of them... (They're not very attractive, you see.)

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  2. *hastily cancels massive order for bookmarks in the shape of the Pope with a .44 magnum standing in a pentagram made up of home-spun yarn*

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  3. Pope on a rope!!!!!!!! LMAO!!!!! Oh man, this really cracked me up this morning. Thanks!

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  4. Not to completely dissent here, but I always carry bookmarks. They're printed up at the printshop in town, double sided (2 books, 2 sides) have the cover art as big as they let me make it (1/8" from the trim edge) and have back-jacket cover copy, the ISBN# and my web address. Nothing hokey, no review notes... Just a simple bookmark.

    People ask for them all the frigging time. Oh! you're a writer! What do you write? Mystery novels. Oh! I luuuuuve mysteries! Where can I get the book? Any regular bookstore. Here's a bookmark, the new book coming out in October, (flip) and the current book on shelves now. Oh wow! (looks of wonder as they flip back and forth), Can you sign this? Sure.

    The wander off, astounded, talk to whoever they're with, and point. She's an author!

    And I reach for another bookmark. I give out about 10 a month. I figure it can't hurt.

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  5. Well, I'm disappointed: no bookmarks for fantasy authors? Are we just supposed to run around handing out dragon scales or fairy wings? Don't these people know how expensive* that is? *~* A bookmark - maybe in the shape of a giant castle...ooh, with wings! - would be SO much better. ^-*

    *Should be read as "painful".

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  6. PBW, you kill me! LOL Okay, I admit to bookmarks, but my publisher supplies them for me. Readers like them. Booksellers are willing to put them on display.

    I stress a lot about promotion as I try to build my name. I was going to weave 500 palm frond roses for an upcoming conference. Thankfully, I recovered my sanity in time.

    I'm now considering key chains that say, "Buy my books. PLEASE! Don't make me beg."

    Not. *g*

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  7. LOL!!! Actually, I love bookmarks because I'm always losing them. So, if I can get freebies, I'll take 'em. :)

    Linda

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  8. Simon wrote: You mean you don't want one of my fridge magnets?!

    Not at all. A fridge magnet is something I can actually use (the ones I use to hold up the monthly school lunch menu get knocked down and end up under the fridge.)

    John wrote: *hastily cancels massive order for bookmarks in the shape of the Pope with a .44 magnum standing in a pentagram made up of home-spun yarn*

    Good move. Too busy.

    Kate wrote: snort.

    I secretly dedicated this post to you, Miss Kate.

    Trace wrote: Pope on a rope!!!!!!!!

    The Vatican called; they'd like to borrow your idea for a Special Blessed Edition of Old Spice bar soap this Christmas.

    Tam wrote: Nothing hokey, no review notes... Just a simple bookmark.

    Well, yeah, but you're classy, Tam. And I've never seen you chase roadrunners, either.

    Andi wrote: no bookmarks for fantasy authors?

    I think they're in another section of the catalog (try Acme's Magic Mystical Unicorn temporary tattoos, D&D endorsed Impentrable Fortress of Firewalls program, and Sexy Black Satin Evil Overlord underwear)

    Mary wrote: I'm now considering key chains that say, "Buy my books. PLEASE! Don't make me beg."

    Oh, dear. Acme's sold out of those.

    Mama Rose wrote: Actually, I love bookmarks because I'm always losing them.

    So that's why your picture was on the front page of the catalog....

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  9. I'd guessed as much...Dang. I'm seriously honored.

    I think the kind of bookmark that should be exchanged at conferences would be "buy my book and I'll buy yours. I might even read it some day."

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  10. Sorry to go off topic for a minute..but PRIVATE DEMON has shipped today! I got an email from my bookstore sayingit's shipped which means it'll be on my doorstep by Friday!! Yay!

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  11. ...but PRIVATE DEMON has shipped today!

    If you call the Borders in Concord, NH there's a very real possibility they'll begin answering the phone with "We TOLD you we'd call YOU when Private Demon arrives, dammit!" instead of their oh-so-calm and polite manner very soon.

    Not that I'm stalking them.

    And where's my Darkyn bookmark? *g*

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  12. I agree with Mama Rose. I love bookmarks. I read so much that they get very used and abused. But, I've been known to use my light bill or a dollar bill, too. Do you know how nice it is to reread a book and find some money?

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  13. As opposed to the folded squares of toilet paper my husband leaves in books?

    *wifely eye roll*

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  14. Sounds okay as long as it's not used toilet paper...
    I'm a corner-folder myself, unless it's a hardback, in which case I use the fly on the outer sleeve. I have my standards ;-)

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  15. Kate wrote: I think the kind of bookmark that should be exchanged at conferences would be "buy my book and I'll buy yours. I might even read it some day."

    Yep. RWA networking at its finest.

    Sasha wrote: Sorry to go off topic for a minute..but PRIVATE DEMON has shipped today! I got an email from my bookstore sayingit's shipped which means it'll be on my doorstep by Friday!! Yay!

    Thank you, pal. (I'm now leaving Sasha a chunk of the estate.)

    Jordan wrote: Isn't that the truth!

    Let's hook Kate up to a polygraph and find out. Electrodes?

    Shannon wrote: Not that I'm stalking them. And where's my Darkyn bookmark? *g*

    (Must. Stop. Head. From. Expanding.) Thank you, too, and sorry, I don't do bookmarks anymore. I have several hundred still left over from the first book that I keep dumping on people (who do you think inspired the RWA/RT rookie special? Ms. StarDoc the Bookmark here.)

    Heather wrote: But, I've been known to use my light bill or a dollar bill, too. Do you know how nice it is to reread a book and find some money?

    That is nice, but what do you do when the lights suddenly go out? Lol.

    Shannon wrote: As opposed to the folded squares of toilet paper my husband leaves in books?

    Let me guess what room he reads in. Come on, let me.

    Simon wrote: I'm a corner-folder myself, unless it's a hardback, in which case I use the fly on the outer sleeve.

    I try hard not to bend pb corners -- they are my namesake, after all -- but I still crack too many spines by leaving the book open page-down. And I do the exact same thing with hardcovers.

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  16. Why are my comments not posting? (kicks Blogger) I own this!

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  17. PBW~ Estate? Does that mean more books??? ;)

    Shannon~ I'm Canadian, I don't have to deal with Borders. I use Chapters/Indigo. :)

    And they never email until AFTER the order is shipped. It usually arrives 2 days later! Yay....Private Demon is on his way to my house. *grin*

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