from the Acme Widget Co. 2005 Fall Catalog
--Promotional Bookmarks section--
Item #9909: REMEMBER ME NOT
Somewhat laminated lightweight paper bookmarks featuring a fuzzy cover thumbnail and nebulous, artfully emphasized quote of your choice in hard-to-read but so pretty italic script:
A. The brilliant debut novel -- ten years in the making.
B. Groundbreaking and breathtaking...the best book of the year!
C. The latest bestseller by the author of [title of last book that tanked]
D. The book of 1) your heart; 2) my heart or 3) everyone's heart
E. In the tradition of [insert name of better-selling author]
F. So much better than [The DaVinci Code, or insert name of other mega-bestselling novel]
G. "I totally loved this book!" quote by Norah Roberts (for an additional small fee, we will provide a signed certificate of authenticity from our in-house endorser, Norah.)
H. Starred review by PW [small print of Amazon.com reviewer's name placed on back of bookmark; reviewer should have the initials P. and W.]
I. (Small Press option) Don't miss out -- only limited quantities available!
Item #9910: ISN'T THIS CUTE
Cleverly-shaped bookmarks made of highest grade cheap colored plastic embossed with book title, author name, and website URL (surface flecks are natural embossment flakage.) Please specify shape desired:
A. Heart (Romance author) -- available colors: pale pink (sweet/no-sex romance); dusky pink (naughty but no actual sex romance); hot pink (chick-lit); hot pink with gold embossed cross (inspirational chick-lit); hot pink with embossed shoe (shoe-focused chick-lit); lace-embossed mauve (historical romance); pink with white polka-dots (unprotected sex romance); powder pink/blue (bun-in-the-oven romance); pink with embossed spurs (cowboy romance); pink with embossed spurs and fluttering veil (cowboy/runaway bride romance); pink/blue with embossed spurs, fluttering veil and barf bag (cowboy/runaway bride/secret baby romance); tartan-embossed red (Scottish historical); deep green (Irish historical romance or RITA loser); pale green with embossed tear drops (Irish historical romance or Golden Heart loser); white with embossed skull and crossbones (pirate romance) white with embossed sheep (PAN member); white with embossed hopeful-looking sheep (PRO member)....
[three pages later]
...purple with embossed handcuffs (romantica, some bondage); dusky purple with embossed whip (romantica, a lot of bondage); dusky purple three-hearts-in-one (romantica, menage); yellow-streaked dusky purple (erotica, watersports); yellow-and-red-streaked dusky purple (erotica, water and bloodsports); yellow-and-red-streaked dusky purple with embossed Great Dane (we don't want to know what you're writing, really, we don't); brown (Hispanic); brown with embossed hair (werewolves); black with red edge (vampire); black with black edge (African-American); black with embossed sheep (African-American PAN member)....[ See next page for 500 more color options]
B. Magnifying Glass (mystery author)
C. .44 Magnum Gun (crime fiction author) -- small (female author); large (male author); extra-large (ex-Amazon.com-reviewer/wannabe author)
D. Starship (science fiction author)
E. Laboratory Beaker (serious science fiction author)
F. Aberrant DNA strand (ultra serious academic spec-fic author [no charge for imprint on reverse side: don't call it science fiction, I don't write science fiction, you cretin])
G. Mirror (Slipstream author, really reflects!)
H. Cross (inspirational author)
I. Dove (non-denominational inspirational author)
J. Colliding Doves (confused non-denominational inspirational author)
K. Pentagram (Wicca, New Age, ex-Catholic author)
L. Pentagram with embossed Pope hanging from a rope (pissed-off ex-Catholic author)
M. Happy Face (humor author) [supplies limited due to standing order for Suzanne Brockmann]
N. Tombstone (horror author)
O. Stephen King's tombstone (midlist horror author)
P. Standard Buttocks (reviewer)
P. Large Buttocks with self-embossing kit (reviewer with website)
Q. Extra-Large Buttocks with embossed lip prints (professional reviewer)
R. Clenched Fist with Middle Finger Extended (any author; inquire about availability of special S.L. Viehl reserve stock embossed with NASA logo)
Item #9911: AREN'T I CRAFTY?
Do-it-Yourself Bookmark kits (finished item not intended for actual use as a bookmark)
A. Eastern European Lamp glass bead kit -- assorted shapes/colors/sizes beads imported from third world European country, complete with flimsy, thin beading cord and instructions in Hungarian (no extra charge for sharp and broken edges on beads, powdered glass residue, small shards, or desperate notes from sweat shop workers)
B. Clunky Pot Metal Object kit -- will vaguely resemble cat, dog, flower, fairy or other appealing symbol, flimsy jump ring for ribbon attachment (ribbon not included; antique rust patina free of charge)
C. Resinous Oozing Plastic kit -- low-grade suppurating plastic, easy to cut, leaves indelible stain on pages (note: will glue pages together if left in book for more than 24 hours, good for insuring return buyers.)
D. Mystery kit -- surprise assortment of craft items to inspire your creative side (let us pick; we've got plenty of crap around here you can tie a ribbon to.)
Item #9912: RWA/RT ROOKIE BASKET SPECIAL
Any of the catalog items ordered in bulk lots of 15,000. UPS delivered to RWA National Conference or RT Annual Conference Goodie Room in bargain basket (some imperfections, broken canes, loose handles, etc.) tied with lopsided wrinkled bow and padded with junk mail shred. Available for order by first-time published authors only.