Friday, November 30, 2007

Plot Fix Inc.

Welcome to Plot Fix, your one-stop story repair emporium. We pride ourselves on solving those inconvenient plot problems with quick and easy, practical solutions.

Please select from the following stock plot fixes:

I. Destruction, Power Item

Problem: Indestructible item of unimaginable power corrupts characters, creates chaos and starts wars; cannot be disposed of.

A. Glub, Glub: Protagonist takes item on ship to deepest part of ocean and drops it overboard. Item sinks to bottom and cannot be recovered because no one has yet developed deep-sea exploration technology.

B. Houston, We Don't Have a Problem: Protagonist puts item on Titan-IV rocket and sends it to Mars, where it crashes somewhere near a polar ice cap and cannot be recovered because someone at NASA forgot to properly convert the metrics involved.

C. The Virgin Suicide: Protagonist consumes item of power and jumps into a volcano that is not located within the boundary's of the Evil Overlord's territory.

D. Total Tax Write-Off: Protagonist donates the item of power to the Smithsonian, where it is displayed next to the Hope Diamond.

II. Future Boom-Boom

Problem: The Really Cool TechnoThingie in your science fiction story is activated/discovered/lands on Earth and will wipe out the entire human race within 24 hours; nothing can stop it.

A. Galactic Visa: The finest minds on Earth are evacuated in a prototype intergalactic ship which does not crash into Mars but whisks them off to colonize the first inhabitable planet known to man. Several tentative romantic relationships and one murder plot are formed on the trip. The planet turns out to be identical to Earth and populated by small, fuzzy creatures of limited intelligence who just love humans.

B. Heavy Metal: All of humanity transfers their consciousness into indestructible robotic bodies which they use to kick the Really Cool TechnoThingie's ass. Humanity then becomes obsessed with pistons and lube jobs.

C. Penicillin, Stat: After the Really Cool TechnoThingie destroys most of the cities on the planet, it falls victim to a common bacteria and melts into a puddle of inert goo. A brave band of survivors set fire to the puddles before rebuilding civilization to be better than it was before.

D. We Have to Save the World, Guys: The President of the United States sends an adorable band of social misfits to combat the Really Cool TechnoThingie. After they screw up everything but mend their own strained personal relationships, their leader saves most of them then sacrifices his own life with ten seconds left on the End of the World clock.

III. Happily Ever After, They Lived

Problem: Romantically-involved hero and heroine have great sex together but wrestle with incompatible personalities, occupations and life goals; their love cannot be saved.

A. Do You Like Pina Coladas?: Hero and heroine stay together while they secretly post phony profiles and pics on an internet match-making site, are matched, arrange to meet each other, laugh over their lies and decide that their relationship was obviously meant to be anyway.

B. Marry Your Babies Daddy: Heroine takes fertility drugs that cause her to become pregnant with hero's identical quints, appears on Good Morning America in her last trimester to sign a multi-million-dollar contract with Pampers for the babies to model diapers. Hero quits job to be babies' business manager.

C. Mutual Sacrifice: Both hero and heroine quit jobs to become life coaches, eBay power sellers, real estate agents, reality show stars and/or pet psychics. Success solves all their other problems.

D. SEALed with a Kiss: The hero's military reserve unit is indefinitely posted to a dangerous spot in the Middle East for 11-1/2 months of each year; the heroine bravely writes to him every day, helps other military wives to send out touching care packages, and develops a close, personal relationship with an industrial duty-size vibrator.

This week only: NaNoWriMo'ers can take an additional 50% discount on any plot fix in stock, enter coupon code HELPMEENDTHISPLEASE.

We appreciate you shopping at Plot Fix, where every story can find an ending. Have a nice day.


  1. Anonymous10:49 AM

    Dear Plot Fix Inc,
    I was considering two different fixes. How long is their shelf life?
    A struggling Nano-er

    Thanks PBW!

  2. OMG!!!! Can I send you the bill to clean my laptop keyboard. ROFL. You needed to post a beverage warning on this one.


  3. Anonymous11:24 AM

    What about horror stories? Have any stock endings for us? My "it was all a dream" is getting old and worn ;)

    Fun stuff, as allways. Which is even more impressive to me in writing.

  4. Anonymous11:29 AM

    LOL! This is GREAT! Plus, it's just in time for the end of NaNoWriMo... You are my hero!

  5. Anonymous11:33 AM

    Is there something wrong with me because I actually LIKE the "Do You Like Pina Coladas?" ending? :D

    You never cease to crack me up.

  6. Genius.

    I especially enjoy II.D solution...reminds me of Armageddon ;)

  7. Who said you could read my novel?

    Oh, wait, it was the CAT, wasn't it!

  8. Anonymous1:39 PM

    What.... there's no none of the above option where I can get a handy dandy operator on the phone to help me work this out?


  9. ROFL!

    Thanks so much for the laugh. After 5 days in the house with a sick vomitting teenager, I really needed one.

  10. A. Glub, Glub: Protagonist takes item on ship to deepest part of ocean and drops it overboard. Item sinks to bottom and cannot be recovered because no one has yet developed deep-sea exploration technology.

    I've read a few stories with this ending before. It has a tendency to get on my nerves.

    Also kind of reminds me of the ending of the new Transformers movie.

  11. Thank you for the coupon code, but I managed to finish my Nano novel using the Paranormal Mystery fix #3 The Talking Heads, where all the characters find themselves in an upscale hotel restaurant sipping a cognac or champagne blush depending on gender, pooling all the information each separately collect which can now be combine to the obvious solution they could have reached 25,000 words ago had they not been conveniently kept apart for the last 20,000 words by cell phone outages, wrong addresses, and mistaken identities. And that one obligatory car chase through a picturesque European city.

    Really, a great ending. Because it ended.

  12. After I spent 2 days struggling over a plot problem NOW I find out all I had to do was visit Plot Fix

  13. Well, my plot is not on that list. Is that good or bad?????

  14. Not to look a gift writer in the mouth, but. . .

    Maybe a single digit discount code for the NaNo people, eh? At this point, that's a WHOLE lot of extra typing. LOL


    A 2007 NaNo Winner who finally got her hands on the first *StarDoc* book--shameful, I know--but, I can now take a little time to READ AGAIN.

  15. Does this mean the IVEALREADYLOSTIT coupon expired?

  16. Anonymous9:50 PM

    Dear Plot Fix,

    I spent most of my plot points on meaningless angst and the psycho b-i-l with the cyborg eye. While I appreciate the end of the world option, I wonder if we could opt for a "hell on earth" post apocalyptic Earth. How much would that run me?

    ROFL. Cute, PBW. I loved this. Unfortunately I was working late all last week so my Nano stopped at 45K. I was disappointed, but at the same time very happy to have made it that far.

    Have a great week!


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