Ten Novel Pitches You Probably Shouldn't Make
1. The No-Purpose Life -- Who Cares Why You're Here?: Your existence is completely random chance, there is no Divine Plan, and even if there is, a slob like you wouldn't be part of it (alternative religion.)
2. The Crackerjack Code: blend the boredom of a pointless but easily solved international murder mystery with decoding the meaning behind a collection of fascinating and somewhat sticky prizes culled from 110 years of digging through molasses-covered popcorn and peanuts (junk food thriller, currently under pending lawsuit filed by Frito-Lay.)
3. Cordless: They're evil, those phones, I'm telling you (horror.)
4. What Price Really Liking Someone? -- An I Can't Spell Synister Novel: When her twin brother, Ralphie, disappears soon after taking a job as a poodle trainer for Lord Flexanbulge, Lady Prissy Notalltheway fears he may have become entangled in a dangerous pedigree mutt swindle -- or worse (historical romance.)
5. Killing Your Editor and Getting Away with It: (self-help; presently being sold in self-published edition at writer's conferences nationwide.)
6. Christ the Lord: Out of Diapers: The book succeeds in capturing our savior's profound bowel movements during his infancy, with some of the best scenes reflecting his diaper rash ordeals and what really happened when Blessed Mother mixed a few too many mashed dates in the cream of emmer (biblical historical.)
7. What to Expect When Your Baby's Daddy Hightails it Out of Town: You should have had the court garnish his wages before you told him about the bun in the oven (maternity/self-help legal.)
8. Men of Pot Metal: "Sing, O Ron Popiel, of the ruin of Ginzu..." It is 1984 A.D., and the As-Seen-On-TV-O-Matic Empire is dying, crushed by the weight of its own fantastically affordable and wonderfully versatile products that you, too, can own for just three small payments of $19.95 plus shipping and handling, operators are standing by (not very historical, but amazingly affordable, don't miss out!)
9. The Love Canal Diet: Lose weight, teeth, hair and fingernails (nature/nutrition.)
10. How to Write a Novel in Fifteen Minutes, Sell It to a Major Publisher in One Day and Make #1 on the New York Times Best Seller List in One Week: At last, the definitive book that exposes 100% of the truth about THE SECRET HANDSHAKE (fiction.)
I am kind of tempted by that Crackerjack Code idea; remember how good the prizes used to be? Back in my day you'd get little dolls and mini airplanes and smiley face buttons and teeny books -- none of this lick-your-arm-and-press-on single measly tattoo crap like they put in them now. If someone deliberately used the prizes as symbols in hopes of someday warning humanity of a great and shocking truth that would crumble the foundation of our belief systems...that Mickey and Minnie Mouse did have a secret love child together, and he grew up to be....nah, probably been done already by a couple of Brit Disney experts.
Anyway. It's that time of week again -- who's got questions?