Ten Things We Ladies Don't Want for Valentine's Day
Appliances, Any: If you can't remember this rule, a smack in the head with the mixer/vacuum cleaner/coffee maker you gave for Christmas might be a helpful prompt.
Big Heart o' Cheap Chocolates: It can be three feet in circumference and covered with fake roses and that still doesn't redeem the crappiness of the single layer of godawful candy inside. Don't believe it? Drop one on the floor; the dog won't even touch it. Look, if you intend to wreck our diets at least go for something decent that starts with G (Ghiradelli, Godiva.)
Cologne: Aside from the fact that your favorite scent is extra spicy buffalo wings, you always claim whatever you pick out smelled great on your secretary, your mother or that cute little blonde barista at Starbucks, at which point we're going to hard-pressed not to pour the contents of the entire bottle over your head or in your lap.
Cookbook: I'm sure that 1001 Ways with Buffalo Wings will mean as much to us as living on take-out for the next month will to you, Bub.
Flowers: Unless they're delivered we're going to know you bought them from the half-wilted bargain bucket at the grocery store on the way home from work on Valentine's Day. Also, forget the cutesy balloons. There's a helium shortage and we're not six years old anymore.
Gym Membership: Really? No, really?
Music: You're into Rhianna. We're into Adam Levine. Learn this, accept this, and then go CD shopping.
Sexy Lingerie: It's cut too small or too tight in absolutely the worst spots, all that black lace itches like crazy and no way will it make us look like those skinny angel chicks in the Victoria's Secret commercials. Ever.
Tattoo Gift Certificate: Can we use it to get something put on your forehead? Like our opinion of this gift? No? Bummer.
Vajazzling Kit: Aside from this being the most crass, tasteless, overpriced and utterly ridiculous product ever to be shilled on a 2 a.m. infomercial . . . tell you what, we'll stick a couple dozen self-adhesive crystals to the corresponding area of your anatomy, see how much is penazzles you.
Your turn, ladies: what don't you want for Valentine's Day? Let us know in comments.