Monday, February 04, 2013

Just So We're Clear Ten

Ten Things We Ladies Don't Want for Valentine's Day

Appliances, Any: If you can't remember this rule, a smack in the head with the mixer/vacuum cleaner/coffee maker you gave for Christmas might be a helpful prompt.

Big Heart o' Cheap Chocolates: It can be three feet in circumference and covered with fake roses and that still doesn't redeem the crappiness of the single layer of godawful candy inside. Don't believe it? Drop one on the floor; the dog won't even touch it. Look, if you intend to wreck our diets at least go for something decent that starts with G (Ghiradelli, Godiva.)

Cologne: Aside from the fact that your favorite scent is extra spicy buffalo wings, you always claim whatever you pick out smelled great on your secretary, your mother or that cute little blonde barista at Starbucks, at which point we're going to hard-pressed not to pour the contents of the entire bottle over your head or in your lap.

Cookbook: I'm sure that 1001 Ways with Buffalo Wings will mean as much to us as living on take-out for the next month will to you, Bub.

Flowers: Unless they're delivered we're going to know you bought them from the half-wilted bargain bucket at the grocery store on the way home from work on Valentine's Day. Also, forget the cutesy balloons. There's a helium shortage and we're not six years old anymore.

Gym Membership: Really? No, really?

Music: You're into Rhianna. We're into Adam Levine. Learn this, accept this, and then go CD shopping.

Sexy Lingerie: It's cut too small or too tight in absolutely the worst spots, all that black lace itches like crazy and no way will it make us look like those skinny angel chicks in the Victoria's Secret commercials. Ever.

Tattoo Gift Certificate: Can we use it to get something put on your forehead? Like our opinion of this gift? No? Bummer.

Vajazzling Kit: Aside from this being the most crass, tasteless, overpriced and utterly ridiculous product ever to be shilled on a 2 a.m. infomercial . . . tell you what, we'll stick a couple dozen self-adhesive crystals to the corresponding area of your anatomy, see how much is penazzles you.

Your turn, ladies: what don't you want for Valentine's Day? Let us know in comments.

21 comments:

  1. Fran K3:52 AM

    I've been separated for a number of years and haven't yet found a new sweetie, so I'm not sure my opinion counts, but what I wouldn't want for Valentine's is anything I had to mention first. I'd rather not get anything at all than have to tell him first what I'd like and let him choose.

    I'm not really a fan of Valentine's day as it's just another excuse for rampant commercialism and makes those of us not in a relationship, having just been dumped or unlikely to be getting a card or gift feel left out or at worst even more depressed that we were before.

    So looking ahead to the dream man who will eventually be my sweetie, I think I'd just like something simple: let him cook dinner for a change, and do the washing up, clean the cooker and the sides down and let me sit down watching the TV of MY choice with a nice large glass of wine. Oh and not complain about it afterwards or use it as brownie points next time we have an argument...

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    1. He sounds like every girl's dream man, Fran, and your opinion not only counts, it's lovely.

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  2. Beauty products of any kind. I lived with a guy once who got me a set of hot rollers. Seriously? Nothing says 'I love you' like things to make you look like someone else? Feh.

    I don't even want to think about something called 'vajazzling'.

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    1. Don't think about it, really. I admire your restraint, too. I'd have heated up those rollers and curled his hair while he slept. Not the hair on his scalp and I don't think he'd have slept too long after the first winding . . .

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  3. Oh my...there really is such a thing as "vajazzling". (Don't google it...you can't "unsee" it!) You learn something new everyday.

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    1. Thank you so very, very much for the warning!

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    2. Also wise advice -- never Google that word. The nightmares take months to recede....

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  4. Balloons. Please, no balloons. They're useless, and you just watch them over the course of days slowly die until they spontaneously pop and frighten you or become worthy of the trash can.

    Flowers. Unless it's a potted, hardy species don't bother because I can't keep it alive and that contradicts the theme of the day doesn't it?

    Actually, I'd gladly take those crummy chocolate. Me love chocolates :)

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    1. Nearly everyone in my house hates balloons. I prefer potted plants I can put outside (the cat likes to eat them if they stay indoors.) One friend brought me a live violet in a self-watering pot for the holidays. It's still blooming beautifully on the back porch table.

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  5. I got a Geroge Foreman grill for Valentine's Day one year. After I threatened to put my husband's head in it, I made him take it back, then put some serious thought into what I would REALLY like.

    He bought me a beautiful little diamond heart necklace that I'm still wearing. Sometimes they get it right...with a little incentive.

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    1. You were very generous to give him a second chance -- and good for him for getting it right the second time around!

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  6. vajazzle? seriously I thought that was a filler for the list. ROFL. I want to look, I really do but I'm at work. OMG, ROFL.


    Reese

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    1. Don't look Reese. Trust me. Don't.

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  7. I think my jaw hung open a good five seconds at that last one. I had to look it up on Google, and then I had to try to scrub my brain clean. What will they think of next.

    I personally always think of Valentine's Day as 'International Day Before Chocolate Goes On Sale Cheap' Day. But maybe I'm just grinchy.

    (Least favorite Valentine's present was dinner at a Thai restaurant that, as we were eating, boyfriend cheerfully informed had just been cited by the city. Gee, thanks, fella.)

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    1. Ouch. He'd have been wearing my dinner for sure.

      I have been bravely stomping past all the 50-75% off sales on the leftover Valentine's candy. Only to groan because right next to the bargain bins are all the shelves filled with the new Easter goodies. Cadbury made those creme eggs of theirs in miniature. You can buy a tiny little dozen of them now. I think that's inhumane.

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  8. Ah yes, that last one...came across that on the interwebs one night when I couldn't sleep. The image scarred me for life, I think.

    We don't do Valentine's day. Does my opinion even count then?

    As a side, I will say that I did ask for a Kitchen Aid Gigantic Mixer several years ago for Christmas. My old mixer took a header off the counter (with a little help) and it hadn't been working right forever but I knew the only way I could get a new one, and the kind I wanted, was to ask for it complete with model number, store to buy it at and when it would be on sale.

    But something diamond is always nice...

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    1. As with Fran your opinion always counts here, pal. We have been slacking off on a few of the lesser holidays now that the kids are grown. Easter might just be a nice dinner this year.

      My guy did get me a Kitchen Aid two years back for Christmas -- as a surprise, because he knew I've always wanted one but was too cheap to spend the money. After all the crummy hand mixers I've fried in my lifetime I honestly almost wept with joy.

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  9. LMAO! I'm so the opposite of normal! I love my christmas treadmill, and my birthday stand mixer! LOL... *slinks into corner*

    Plus, I came home from work last week, and he had a pretty new pair of beautiful running shoes sitting on the table for me! I was so excited *but to be fair..it was a just because i said my feet hurt last week-how sweet!*

    I pretty much ignore the Valentine's thing, though... maybe a nice night out would be okay. :)

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    1. Okay, so you have to hang out with me and Theo, Casey, and all our gifted appliances. I've got this amazing blender that will puree just about anything . . . :)

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  10. I completely agree with the 'no cheap chocolates'. Good chocolate is totally worth the hit to the calorie count. Bad chocolate is not worth it at all. I am not a huge fan of cut flowers either but since they are non-caloric they fall under the 'aww, it's the thought that counts' principle.

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    1. I try to do the-thought-counts thing, too, but some years it's hard. One editor sent me a huge tower of gourmet chocolate one Christmas -- exactly six months after my doc said "No more chocolate, candy, sweets or anything made of sugar for you, girl." I wrote a nice thank you not and didn't mention how much I sniffled after I gave it to the kids.

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