Tuesday, April 10, 2012


As always, I reserve the right to make fun of anyone who SPAMs me -- and this wee gem was just pleading for it:

Dear Lynn

Dear Clueless Stranger, my real name is not actually Lynn. It's Don Diego de la Vega, but you can call me Zorro. Fray Felipe, my horse!

You're one of the first to hear about a new Billion-Euro Weekly Lotto.

Eh? What's that again, Sonny?

As an online lottery, we thought it would be appropriate to tell bloggers before the traditional media.

I understand. Those traditional media bastards are so picky, aren't they? Always asking for references and fund accounts they can verify, actual business licenses, corporate CEO info, what country's laws govern your operation. etc. Bloggers hardly ever do that.

In addition, we're making a game of it.

Ayuh. I myself am utterly dazzled by your gravity and professionalism.

The Challenge: Use your elite blogging powers--

My elite blogging powers? I thought I was an impolitic anti-group-think pacifist/satirist who has authority issues. When did I become an elitist? And will I need penicillin or cognitive therapy to get rid of it?

--to help find Beta Testers for the world's first weekly Billion Euro Lotto, [Anti-Scam Duct Tape]. We want to make sure it's perfect when ticket sales start [Anti-Scam Duct Tape].

So you want me to use my newly elite awesome blogging powers to pimp your online lottery, which you're awarding in a currency that is not used in my country -- do you guys even own an atlas? -- to my readers, about 60% of whom also don't use euros as currency, just so you can make sure you didn't screw up said lottery. Was hiring a web site designer to do a run-through for you too expensive, then?

What Your Readers Get: Each reader who tries out [Anti-Scam Duct Tape] at no cost gets a Complimentary Play for joining, plus 10 more Complimentary Plays with just one regular play in the inaugural draw. Plus, they're participating in the start of something revolutionary.

Newsflash: lotteries have been around since 205 BCE. You're about as revolutionary as toilet paper (and your tickets are probably about as useful.)

You'll understand what we mean when you see it.

Thanks, honey, but I do believe I already have your number.

Your Motivation: (Or Why You'd Be Almost Crazy Not to Take Part)--

Almost crazy? Why not seriously crazy? I mean, we're talking about a billion euros a week here. Obviously you're not Nigerian, and you're not wailing about your dead husband Prince Pondecherry or how you need my bank account data in order to transfer the funds he stole before his senseless murder so that I might keep 95% for myself. No, you're genuinely . . . uh . . . giving away a billion euros a week! To online readers of author blogs even! Honestly, how could anyone in their right mind pass up this opportunity of the lifetime? Hell, I'm in. Okay, so what do I get for helping you out?

--A complimentary play for every Beta Tester who follows your link to start an account.

One lousy play per referral? That's it? That's all?

You've probably got an idea of how many that could be.

Yeah, zero. Wait. Mom, I forbid you to play this lottery. Okay, now it's zero.

The Icing on the Cake:

I'm thinking more like the slop on the hog, but please, complete the grave-digging, by all means.

The highest referring blogger on our leaderboard at the end of the Beta Test earns a vacation for two to Antigua--

Ah, Antigua. The current Mecca for racketeering operations fronting themselves as online gaming companies. How quickly things crystallize.

Hope to see you in Antigua--maybe even as a billionnaire after using all those complimentary plays.

You know, I have trust issues, too, so why not send me a billion euros and make me one now? Would save time. Considering the awesome force of my elite blogging powers, would also be an excellent investment, yes? Just send me the data for your bank account and I'll arrange the transfer.

This message has been manually sent after an individual review and approval of your blog.

You mean you saw my ranking on Technorati and thought, "High-traffic Sucker." Oh, well, you're not the first. Those people from the writing software site offered me five grand a year to whore their overpriced crap product to my readers. You guys are cheapskates. Sniff.

We won't be bothering you again.

No, you psychic moron, you won't be. (Blocking e-mail address)


  1. You should send them a link to this:

    Only backfired on her once (as in they cursed her out in another email).

  2. I'm.... agog. They are actually personalizing the lotto spam now? Really?

  3. :sniffle: I never get awesome email offers like that. I must not be one of the elite. Nobody loves me. Nobody cares. Pardon me while I go jump off the tallest building in town. What? Two stories won't kill me? Oh well, I guess I'll just have to live with my shame. ;o)

  4. At least your spam is in English. Lately all mine is Cyrillic. No clue why.

  5. What I find head shaking though is, you know there's going to be someone out there who is going to take these idiots up on this.