Senior Moments

You Know You're an Older Writer When . . .

Every band on your writing playlist is retired, dead or on a nostalgia tour, while your dream of giving up writing to become a roadie is no longer even a remote possibility.

Hi-tech writing gadgets depress rather than excite you because the buttons are too tiny for you to hit, the display is too small for you to read, and/or you just figured out how to use the @#%$! thing they're replacing.

New colleagues meeting you for the first time always gush about how they read all your books when they were in high school, or how much their parents love your work.

Sex scenes stop shocking you and start perplexing you. You also realize you don't have to hide the really graphic books anymore.

Some ninny calls you a legend, an icon, or nominates you for an industry lifetime achievement award.

When you send your publisher the updated bio photo they've requested, they decide to keep using the old one.

Your agent keeps mentioning the amazing things they're doing with hair coloring and plastic surgery these days.

You do the math on your new editor, who you discover was born the same year your first novel was released.

Your hardcovers begin dropping out of circulation at the local public library because the copies are too old, worn, or the pages have started to mildew.

Zealous fans at booksignings stop hitting on you, asking you out for drinks or trying to cop a feel while hugging you. Only one will hang around after the signing, and you're flattered by this until you put on your glasses and see that he's twelve and is wearing a Boy Scouts uniform. When you ask him why he's still there, he'll say that his Mom told him to wait and walk you out to the parking lot to make sure you get to your car safely.