Tuesday, March 15, 2011

If Manuscripts were Lovers

He always looks better in your head than he does in reality.

He constantly changes his name.

Your friends think he's stupid, useless, and are either jealous of him or pity you for getting involved with him. Secretly you're pretty sure he's worthless, too.

You don't want your mother to meet him. Ever.

If you talk about him too much, he'll try to abandon you. If you show him off too much to strangers, at least one of them will try to steal him, and he won't fight them off.

The cat wants to pee on him, the dog wants to gnaw on him, and your five-year old constantly spills things like red Kool-Aid on him.

He keeps promising to get a job but usually ends up sitting around the house.

He is not as interesting as he was when you first met.

Most editors think he's unoriginal, unattractive, uninteresting, and flat-out refuse to fall in love with him. Even if they kinda like him, they want to make him change into what they think he should be.

He vanishes whenever the power goes out, your computer fries or you move. Sometimes he doesn't come back.

He keeps waking you up in the middle of the night for no good reason.

He's not as, um, long as you thought he would be.

When he finally gets between the covers you're too tired to do anything fun with him.

You take him from nothing, give him your best, adore him, cling to him, devote most of your free time to him, and in the end you know he's going to leave you and become a total attention slut about whom no one has anything good to say.

19 comments:

  1. This is positively hilarious. Thanks. I needed this after a long day.

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  2. Oh my. New favorite post.

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  3. "He keeps promising to get a job but usually ends up sitting around the house."

    Ohhhh. Ouch! And true.

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  4. "He's not as, um, long as you thought he would be."

    Wow, that was a good laugh this morning.

    Incidentally, I've had my cat eat part of my manuscript. Seriously. I'm not sure why the cat had a hankering for purple ink that day, but it was pretty disturbing. She also at the middle section out of some sheet music. Those are the only two paper products she ate in her 21 years of life.

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  5. Thank you for the morning giggle! Much obliged.

    xo

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  6. Very good! I'm sure most of us needed a laugh, especially those of us who are still trying to get published.

    http://sandrasbookclub.blogspot.com

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  7. Oh, this is so perfect, it hurts!

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  8. Attention Slut! I love it!

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  9. This is so painfully true and funny at the same time.

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  10. He vanishes whenever the power goes out, your computer fries or you move. Sometimes he doesn't come back.

    Oh yeah! That!

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  11. I can't stop laughing...

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  12. And he'll take the best years of your life, too.

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  13. LOL never want your mother to meet him! and He keeps waking you...
    So true!

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  14. So I am in the library and I just read this...and LOLed. Getting funny looks now. XD

    "He's not as, um, long as you thought he would be.

    When he finally gets between the covers you're too tired to do anything fun with him."

    ^^ HILARIOUS. To the max. Loved this post, Lynn, you are so creative!

    ~TRA

    http://xtheredangelx.blogspot.com

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  15. Oh my, this is just perfect. Love it!

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  16. Fabulous! My fave: "He's not as, um, long as you thought he would be."

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  17. Love it! So what's the secret to making your lover, I mean manuscript, behave the way you want it to? heehee

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