Monday, November 22, 2010

Gift Pass Ten

Since Black Friday is just around the corner . . .

Ten Things I Don't Want for Christmas

Chocolate. Not only can't I eat it because it's not part of my heart-healthy twigs-and-bark diet, but I then have to give it to someone else and watch them eat it. Which is when I start sobbing.

Gadget Docking Stations, Accessories, etc. I do not own an iPod, an iPad, an e-reader, a fancy mobile phone or any of that other junk. I have nothing that needs a recharging station, and I don't want a netbook, a boogie board, a happy light, anything that displays up to ten thousand digital photographs, or that tells me on the hour what the weather is like in Sydney because I can't figure out how to program it for my time zone.

Grow Your Own! Kits. I'm not especially enamoured of tomatoes that grow upside down, herbs in tiny pots, Chia pets or ugly brown bulbs that are supposed to produce gorgeous flowers but no matter how carefully I follow the directions only remain ugly brown bulbs.

Hair DooDads. I am older now, and so is my hair. At long last we've made peace with each other. So you can understand why I might not want to bump it, extend it, french twist it, scrunch it, straighten it or otherwise torture it. Leave. My Hair. Alone.

Motion-Activated Candy Dispensers. Okay, this is just downright cruel.

Pens. You know when people say they own a thousand pens? I actually do.

Singing and/or Dancing Holiday Figurines. Seeing Santa in the throes of an epileptic seizure while he belts out Elvis tunes is simply not my thing. Same goes for the mounted fake bass that turns its head and starts talking (I saw that once at a friend's house, and I still have nightmares.)

The Snuggie. I'm a quilter and a quilt collector, so believe me, the one thing I am never going to be in my house is cold. Plus if I want to be warm and keep my hands free, I'll put on one of my thirty-odd quilted jackets.

Toothbrush Sanitizer. Soaking your toothbrushes once a week in some rubbing alcohol doesn't cost thirty bucks (just remember to rinse it thoroughly before using it again.)

Waterproof Shower Radio. We live so far out in the boonies that it only picks up live broadcasts from stock auctions and the exciting sermon of whatever nutcase evangelical minister is advocating burning the Koran this week.

What are some of the things you don't want as holiday gifts this year? Share the pain in comments.

17 comments:

  1. Candles. I've been through a housefire. Granted, it didn't start from a candle, but why do people persist in giving them to me?

    Clothing. Our tastes are not compatible. If you must give me clothing, make it fuzzy socks. One can never have enough - and I've never seen an ugly one.

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  2. No more sets of plastic food containers. Please. No family of twelve here. Please.

    I have so many, I feel like I should be using them as giant petrie dishes to incubate mutant species of leftovers.

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  3. Dear Santa,

    This year, could you make sure I don't get any candy-floss pink bath-towels and duvet cover and pillowcase sets that won an ugly contest?

    I would also appreciate it if you would save the next pair of driving gloves for next Christmas, because I still haven't managed to lose the sets from last year and the year before that.

    And please, Santa, could you make sure the books I get have returns stickers on them? I don't mean to be ungrateful, but the only person who ever gives me books I actually want is my brother, and that's because he bothers to ask what I want.

    Also, no red wine, please, unless there is a return sticker attached. It plays hell with my digestion and gives me heartburn.

    Thank you in advance, dear Santa, and have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New year.

    Yours sincerely,
    The Bibliophile

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  4. Jewellery. I don't wear rings or dangly bits. The last thing I need is to get a ring stuck somewhere unfortunate while giving my elderly parent a bed bath.

    Yes, really...

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  5. Necole8:02 AM

    Nightgowns, I have new ones I have not used from the last 3 christmas holidays.

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  6. ditto on the hair stuff.

    ditto on the snuggie. bleh.

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  7. Wow, that doesn't leave a lot of choices.

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  8. At out Christmas, it always seems like we're exchanging $25 book giftcards. I love books, but it seems like a waste of effort to give each other the same things. Last year, we decided the real gift was the decoration on the giftcard (ooo, mine has Santa...aaahhh, pretty presents on yours...)

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  9. Booze. Ever since I turned 21, all of my extended family have been trying to get me to drink. I don't like alcohol, and I have no tolerance for it. On the rare occasions that I do drink socially, I usually end up having half a drink, not having any of what anyone calls the "good" symptoms of alcohol consumption, and then suffering from the after effects of a hangover only a couple of hours later. Yes, I'm in my mid-twenties. No, I did not spend my college years passed out in a booze induced stupor, and I have no desire to relive an experience I avoided then.

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  10. Anonymous3:28 PM

    I would prefer no more counter sitting redundant kitchen items. I can cook, on a stove, and I own one of those. I don't need grills, things that mush and heat leftovers into exciting new shapes, items that electricly replace spoons, items that open jars if you can line them up correctly,or any item that pops popcorn.
    I also would prefer that as my gift you not require me to shop for yours. I hate to shop. I sit in the man chair and hold the purses. If you expect a gift, take me shopping in places the man chair exists near items you want. That is where they will be from. If you want something homemade, or from the hardware store, I am your girl. I don't need gift cards either, they won't make me like shopping better.

    Please buy me toilet paper. That way I won't Have to go to the Big Blue box mart for a while. thank you

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  11. Please, for the love of Holy Crow, don't buy me any more stuffed animals! I'm well past the age where I would have a roomful (though because everyone thinks I need another, I have a roomful) and they either collect dust or end up in a plastic bag with all the others. Two years down the line, they're donated.

    Save us both the trouble. If you feel a great need to buy one, donate it right away. It will keep me a lot happier and you'll feel good about yourself.

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  12. My mother-in-law has always bought me gifts that SHE wanted, not things that appealed to me. This year she can no longer drive herself around, so my husband took her shopping. And spent an evening regaling me with the awful things she wanted to buy for me. A velveteen pillow with "Snuggle Me" stitched on it, and a pair of pink dishwashing gloves, to name a couple.

    Luckily he was able to steer her in a more Misty-ish direction. I love my husband. *laugh*

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  13. Dear Santa,

    Please share my wish list with my mother-in-law. Understand that I love her and she's family but I didn't need the ionic rock salt candle holder thingy, the fat penguin cookie jar or the "I love my Cat" mug and picture frame.

    Please, for the love of all things retail, let her know I'd rather get nothing than another item to go on the Bookcase of Shame. (Yes, it really does exist.) I like candles but the candle holder that looks like it came from czarist russia with all the gilt and mirrors is not exactly what I had in mind.

    Much Love,

    Laura

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  14. Soap. I swear to God, my Dad's side of the family usually gives me shower products, cheap perfumes, etc.

    Here's the problem: I'm ALLERGIC to almost everything cheap and scented. I have to use really expensive stuff, or all-natural stuff (which is my thing.) My sister makes awesome goat's milk soap people. I think I'm covered.

    I know they think I'm hard to buy for, but I'm really not. And all the soap just makes me feel like they think I stink or something (of course I have a couple friends who are always waiting for me to give them my Christmas soap!)

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  15. Melissa3:53 PM

    Perfume and smelly bathroom stuff. I don't ever wear perfume and I have my own set of bathroom products that I use in the shower that I know works well, and I'm pretty sure whenever I get these items, it's from someone who doesn't know what to get me.

    Oh, and blankets. I have 4 extra blankets now. I love them, but I don't need any more than that.

    If you don't know what to buy me, buy me something and include the gift receipt. I have no problems returning things I don't want or need.

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  16. Coffee mugs. I don't drink coffee and never have and I prefer my tea iced. I have four mugs that came with my set of dishes and that is plenty for when I have guests who may want a hot beverage of some sort. Yet, for some reason, I have been given about 16 travel mugs and 27 regular mugs for various occasions over the last few years. Please make it stop.

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  17. Anonymous7:16 PM

    Gift Giving = A chance to prove just how well people misunderstand each other.

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