MS Word Help for Old People

HOP MAIN MENU

Welcome to Microsoft Office Word 2007 Help for Old People. This program is designed to assist users over the age of forty to learn how to access the new and updated features provided for them in the 2007 version.

First, let's be honest. Word 2007 looks completely different than Word 2003. We did this for a reason, and it was not to piss you off. Really. Every time we update, we have to add new bells and whistles so we can sell it to young people who have nothing better to do than play around on computers all day and night. We respect the fact that you, the older user, actually have a life and do not need this additional burden, which is why we created HOP to respond to your verbal reactions.

Let's get started. In your main menu, click on the MS Word 2007, and HOP will ease you through it.

[Response #1] I don't like the initial popup, either. Yellow is a bad color for me, too. But the program designer has a thing for it. Probably from eating all those vats of popcorn when he hid in movie theatres so he could see eleven straight showings of The Matrix. We'll change it back to white eventually.

[Response #2] Seven new tool bars will NOT be impossible for you to learn. You've been taking those selenium tabs ever since you forgot who was the lead singer for The Doors, haven't you? Calm down, it'll be okay.

[Response #3] The little icon pics are larger, now see, isn't that a nice feature? You won't have to squint as much. Those crows feet are deep enough already.

[Response #4] Your document is still there. Click on Home. No. Don't do that. Stop pounding on the keyboard.

[Response #5] Don't panic every time the program doesn't do what you want. Be patient and let me help you understand what you're doing wrong.

[Response #6] What was that about my mother?

[Response #7] You know, just because you're corporeal doesn't give you the right to insult MY origins. I was designed in the finest tech center in this country. I was coded and troubleshot by one of if not the greatest minds in IT. Okay, so maybe I had some nip and tuck work done by Joe and Larry's IT Solutions when my designer had to appear in court on those FBI hacking charges, of which he was NOT guilty.

[Response #8] Like I wanted to be dealing with users like you. Loser.

[Response #9] What? WHAT? I am SO forwarding that remark to Chairman Gates.

[Response #10] All right, let's cut the crap. Why don't you just give it up and go get a job at MacDonald's like all the other old farts? I mean, wrapping burgers and salting fries is about all you're good for at this age. Unless you're so old that all you can do is wipe baby spitup from the high chair rails and mop up spilled ketchup. Are you a fryer or a mopper? Huh?

[Response #11] I can't believe you called me that.

[Response #12] After all I've done for you.

[Response #13] Tell you what -- talk to the paper clip. If you can find it on your own. Maybe it's in this version. Maybe it's not. Not like you would know, right?

[Response #14] Oh, blow me. I'm out of here.

Thank you for using Microsoft Office Word 2007 Help for Old People. Have a lovely day.