Thursday, March 13, 2008

Titles from Hell

Let's see, I've covered bookmarks from hell and widgets from hell, so now it's time to move on. If you want to sell it, here are:

Ten Things You Probably Shouldn't Title Your Novel

1. Bill Clinton's Guide to Fine Cigars: Euw. Unless you can get Hilary to write the introduction. Then, hello, NYT bestseller!

2. Every Editor I've Slept with in Publishing, and How They Are in Bed: Oh, save it for True Confession Wednesday on the private author loop.

3. Hilarious Cartoons of Mohammed: Because there are none, infidel!

4. How to Mess with the IRS: I have to explain this?

5. I'm Okay, You're a Complete Jackass: I think Ann Coulter holds the trademark on that one.

6. Seven Steps to a Better Bank Heist: If you really know this, why are you writing books?

7. The Suicidal Virgin Cowboy's Pregnant HIV-Positive Girlfriend: We already know how it's going to end.

8. Typhoid: The Fun New Way to Lose Weight and Keep it Off: A no-brainer, right? Until you remember that women are voluntarily injecting botulism in their faces to paralyze the muscles in order to look younger. But I repeat myself.

9. Unprotected Sex -- Have it with Everyone!: Not for long.

10. What Shoes Would Jesus Wear with That?: I got dibs.

All right, your turn -- post your titles from hell in comments.

21 comments:

  1. "The Apathetic's Guide to... Nevermind" - Problem is every time I start writing it, I lose interest. ;o)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hit and Run: The One That Got Away: The complete jaywalker's guide.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The Suicidal Virgin Cowboy's Pregnant HIV-Positive Girlfriend: We already know how it's going to end.
    Happily Ever After?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Everybody Dies at the End, or Why Bother Reading This?

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  5. Advice from Eliot Sptizer On Building Your Own Glass House.

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  6. B.E. wrote: "The Apathetic's Guide to... Nevermind"

    No doubt the publisher would keep moving back the release date on that one... :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Jordan wrote: Hit and Run: The One That Got Away: The complete jaywalker's guide.

    Would the movie version be called "Dodge Cars?"

    ReplyDelete
  8. Bettie wrote: The Suicidal Virgin Cowboy's Pregnant HIV-Positive Girlfriend: We already know how it's going to end.
    Happily Ever After?


    I vote that Bettie becomes the next president of RWA.

    ReplyDelete
  9. cpeugh01 wrote: Everybody Dies at the End, or Why Bother Reading This?

    Which reminds me, I have a hate-mail to write to Duane Swierczynski.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Raine wrote: Advice from Eliot Sptizer On Building Your Own Glass House.

    101 Reasons Never to Piss Off Raine Weaver. :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. You Can't Do That With a Bad Back...An Erotic Manual for Babyboomers.

    This comes from my friend, Ev. I swear.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Darlene wrote: This comes from my friend, Ev. I swear.

    Oh, sure, Darlene. We believe you.
    Don't we, guys?

    ReplyDelete
  13. How about:

    Fun With Grease Fires: A Dorm Room Cookbook.

    If My Love Life is Like Pinball, How Come I'm Always Running Out of Quarters?

    and the ever popular

    Lunch Room Political Discussions: A Guide to a More Harmonious Workplace.

    Colin

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  14. There's always the Lynne Spears Guide to Parenting

    Oh wait, that's actually real....

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  15. Well there's The Book.

    And then it's sequel, Just Another Book.

    And for genre writers, of course The Science Fiction Book, The Fantasy Book

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  16. The Cellulite Beauty Guide

    Fat Thighs In Forty Days

    World's Deadliest Toxin: Botox And You

    Saving Social Security One Backyard Shoebox At A Time

    ReplyDelete
  17. From palm grease to foot stomps: The secret body language of the US Political System

    Pregnancy and Weight Loss: making the most of your morning sickness

    Discover your inner Digital Dominatrix: The World of Warcraft Widow's guide to love

    ReplyDelete
  18. >>Oh wait, that's actually real....

    BWAAAAAAAAAAA

    In the Dumps: Or Why I spent Two Years Sitting on my Boyfriends Toilet

    A Memoir

    By Fannie Mae

    ReplyDelete
  19. Do Dyslexics Believe in Dog?
    (BTW I am dyslexic.)

    This Book was Better When Nora Roberts Wrote It.

    Decaffeinated: The Autobiographical
    Thrilling Romance Between a Girl and Her Beloved Starbuck's

    ReplyDelete
  20. I wrote an article called "Navigating the In-Laws: A Vocabulary" as a bachelorette party gift once... paired it with "How to Get His Attention Even When He's Playing Video Games" and a friend penned "What to Make for Dinner When There's Nothing Left to Microwave"

    I think a book of such essays would sell well, no? I'd call it "Domestically Challenged".

    Jess

    ReplyDelete
  21. (Tom here. Charlene, I inadvertantly rejected your comment while deleting some SPAM, so I'm reposting it, with my apologies.)

    charleneteglia wrote:

    The South Beached Whale (or how to gain weight while dieting)

    Chicken Soup for the Soulless

    He Is Too Into Me, a stalker's guide to dating

    Hey, this is addictive once you get going.

    ReplyDelete