Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Make Me A Supernovelist

Bravo TV, home of your favorite reality shows, is halfway through the hunt for America's next Supernovelist! Co-hosts Nikki Trailer and Tyson Backenforth began with 14 beautiful and talented writers competing for a publication contract with a Major New York Publisher, which includes publication of their work in paperback*, 6% of royalties**, and an advance check of a whopping $5,000.00***!

While undergoing a series of creative challenges designed to test their professional writing skills as well as competing with each other on the Conwalk, seven writers have been put up for the vote and were rejected by you, America, and have to get day jobs! Way to go! Watch this week and vote for the novelist you want to dump! Thurs @ 10/9C

Episode #7
Love Scenes


Judges:
Nikki Trailer, Supermodel
Tyson Backenforth, Supermodel
Jennifer Bigstar, Premiere Print Casting Agent
Corry Baptista, Career Manager

NIKKI (soberly): There are seven novelists standing before us now. One of you has shown that you can write a bestseller with intimate, sexy, believable love scenes. Well, sort of. Three of you have not, and will be put up for the vote.

TYSON (whispering): Uh, Nikki, that adds up to only four.

NIKKI (whispering): I know.

TYSON (whispering): There are seven of them.

NIKKI (whispering): We're saving three for the midlist. (louder) Sammie, you were almost late coming out on the Conwalk. Why is that?

SAMMIE (bravely): Well, I had to go to the hospital alone for my appendectomy because my husband is out job-hunting, but I heard from my girlfriend Rachel that he may be having an affair with Britney Spears. (scans the faces of the judges) Did I mention that we're poor and starving, our credit cards are maxed out and we're about to be evicted from our apartment? Again?

JENNIFER: Yet somehow you came in and, while again your work wasn't the greatest, you made it to the Conwalk. See, this is true professionalism.

TYSON (smiling): Definitely.

NIKKI (gently): What you've gone through for your art, you poor thing. It's an inspiration to all of us.

CORRY: Frankly, you don't have to write any love scenes for me, Sammie. Just keep suffering. It's a beautiful thing to watch.

NIKKI: I agree. Sammie, you are the winner, and you have immunity from all the reviewers next week. You may leave the Conwalk.

TYSON: Let's talk about Tiffany.

TIFFANY: Yes?

NIKKI: Tiffany, you were given beautiful cover art, a massive publicity campaign, and even a all-expenses-paid book tour. Yet when it came time to deliver the goods, your most erotic love scene reads like instructions for programming a DVD player.

TIFFANY: I . . . (swallows) I was just trying to be subtle, and use symbolism, and . . . show some depth.

CORRY: Show that you're literary, you mean. This is the big problem with you, Tiffany. Remember, you're not writing rocket science.

JENNIFER: I disagree. I think Tiffany can be a little literary now and then without alienating the readers. Must we dumb it all down for everyone?

NIKKI (frowning): I don't like symbolism. It makes my head hurt.

TYSON: Mine, too. Tiffany, you are up for the vote.

NIKKI: Lucky, you've shown us nothing but a bad attitude since you came here. You only work when you feel like it, you constantly trot out this mise en abyme style, and frankly, I don't want to listen to a story to tell a story about a love scene. Also, your overbite is annoying the hell out of me.

TYSON: Amen. Tell me something, Lucky -- do you think your novels are sexy?

LUCKY: What? (blushing) No.

TYSON: I knew it. I knew it. Man, you have got to loosen up. You're a novelist. Look in the mirror every morning and say, "I am a sexy bestseller."

LUCKY (wide-eyed): Dude, I can't do that. It's like, vain, you know? And can't I just have a monster have sex offstage with the chick before he, you know, devours her?

NIKKI: Not if we're only going to hear about it from the chick's great-grandson sixty years later.

LUCKY (sniffing): That's just, like, whacked, dude.

TYSON: Love that attitude, buddy. That's why you are also up for the vote.

NIKKI: Beanie, the challenge this week was to write erotic love scenes. Tell us, why is there a dog featured in every one of yours?

BEANIE: You don't let your dogs sleep in your bed? Geez. I do. All forty-seven of them.

TYSON (covering his eyes): Come and take me now, baby Jesus.

CORRY: A dog in a love scene is inappropriate. It could get hurt. Even killed.

JENNIFER: Well, I never . . . (clears throat) . . . I suppose Corry's right.

BEANIE (tears in his eyes): I don't understand. I love dogs. My dad would never let me have any. And it's not like the dog was having sex with anyone.

CORRY: This is a cruel business, Beanie. You've got to suck it up and dump the dogs.

NIKKI: Beanie, if you don't want to write for the market, I think you should get out now. Which is why you are also up for the vote.

TYSON: Beanie, Lucky and Tiffany, the decision is now conveniently out of our hands. America will vote and decide which of you cannot be made into a supernovelist. You may leave the Conwalk.

Next week: Someone goes home and gets a job at MacDonald's, Jennifer finds out her husband is having an affair with Tiffany, and Tyson throws a cocktail party for Nikki, during which Sammie bravely endures another personal crisis while the other novelists must read from their latest chapters while dodging rotten tomatoes! Don't miss this exciting episode!

*two years from now, after thorough revising and editing
**less agent fees and reserves against returns
***payable when we remember to cut the check

14 comments:

  1. Okay, I have to lay off the Benydryl. I read the entire post before I figured out this wasn't a real show. More episodes please.

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  2. Isn't the job at McDonalds PART of being a novelist? You mean I'm doing this wrong?
    And, I want you to know I was all excited for a second there thinking I'd missed out on an exciting new reality TV show. This was just cruel...and so early in the morning! (fortunately my reality TV addiction clued me in this was a supermodel spoof...sigh)
    Lori

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  3. ROTFLOL!

    You're not the only one Darlene, I thought the same thing. My excuse is the early morning though and my brain's not awake.

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  4. this is brilliant. As a fan of the real show, I could totally pick out each of the supermodels, er, novelists! LOL Well done!

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  5. Oh WOW! I'm absolutely going to say to myself in the mirror every damned chance I get "I'm a sexy Bestseller!"
    In fact, I'll do this in every mirror I find. Look for me in a public restroom near you!

    Thanks for making my morning PBW! *kiss*

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  6. ROFLMAO. Excellent! I loved it!

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  7. excellence. the best part is, somebody's probably pitching or developing this idea already.

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  8. The fact I got those jokes proves that Germany buys too many crap show concepts from the US. Not only do we have German Idol (Deutschland sucht den Superstar) which is only fun because of Dieter Bohlen's snarky comments and the bitch fights, we now also have that Supermoded show where Heidi Klum tells teenagers already bordering on anorexia that they're too fat for the job. And those future models are so braindead they don't even manage a good bitchfight. Now, that would be different with a bunch of Romance writers. ;)

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  9. Oh I just loved it. Your Tyson was spot on! More next week please.

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  10. OMG that was hillarious!! You rock!!!

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  11. I say Beanie has to go. Anyone who has that many dogs in their bed is up to something immoral, illegal or fattening.

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  12. I'll definitely be tuning in next week to see who hears: "America has voted. We cannot make you a supernovelist."
    ROTFL-great post!

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  13. With all the reality shows, I actually thought this was real at first.
    Very Funny!!!

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  14. The BBC have just shown a series as part of their RAW (reading and writing) strand called Murder Most Famous.

    Featuring 6 well known UK personalities - two journalists, two actors, a dancer and a presenter. Over 6 episodes, they were whittled down from 6 to 1, with the last person standing having to write a crime novel. They were mentored by Minette Walters.

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/murdermostfamous/

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