Thursday, June 29, 2006

Bookmarks From Hell

Ten Things You Probably Shouldn't Put on Your Promo Bookmarks

1. Are you such a dumbass that you can't remember what page you were on? Buy my book, you won't be able to put it down!

2. Hey, you slob wannabe unpublished losers: get this novel and see how a real writer does it.

3. I mailed this to you. I now know where you live. Post a five-star glowing review of this amazing book on Amazon.com by midnight tomorrow night, or I'm coming over and kicking your ass.

4. If you don't buy this novel, I'll kill myself. I mean it. I have Tylenol and wine, and I'm not afraid to mix them.

5. Sure, buy my book. I only get forty-two cents out of it, but no big deal. Not like I can afford a decent cup of coffee with that, but like you care. So I can't quit my horrible day job, and get caught up on my alimony payments, not with this big forty-two freaking cents you're handing me here. Not your problem, though. Yep, I'm probably gonna lose my job, and not be able to find another one, and then try to make it as a full-time writer, and eat canned beans, and then starve when they run out, and die alone at my keyboard, and be buried in Potter's Field while my publisher makes millions off memorial reprints. But no, don't you worry about me. You, you've got pages to mark, right?

6. This bookmark has been treated with an invisible, untraceable deadly poison that enters your system through the skin. Want the antidote? It's printed somewhere in my book.

7. Totally Rare, Awesome, Collectible bookmark!!!! Limited edition, numbered, certificate of authenticity on back!!!! Nominated for the Bookmark Hall of Fame!!!! Voted Best Bookmark of 2006 by the National Society of Widget Makers!!!![Decorative imitation gold-plated bookmark wall holder available for separate purchase on my website.]

8. Want to know how hot my book is? Rub yourself with this bookmark. You know where. Come on, baby.

9. You have to help me. I'm trapped in a lousy contract and the only way they'll let me go is if I pay back the advance they gave me. Which I used to pay for my poor dying mother's bunion operation. So please, I'm begging you, please buy this book. Only you can set me free!

10. You're too stupid to understand my novel -- everyone is -- but buy it anyway. It'll impress your girlfriend way more than you do.

19 comments:

  1. OMG, I was going to comment, but I have to call my printer ASAP!

    #4 and #6 killed me.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Number 5! Number 5!

    Can anyone say 'Marvin' from The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy?

    "Life? Don't talk to me about life..."

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh crud, #4 and #8 made me snort. Thanks for the giggle.

    ReplyDelete
  4. *Eyes up the cost of making a scratch 'n sniff bookmark*

    ReplyDelete
  5. Five. Love five.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thought this would tickle you from an Amazon.com search:

    "lydia joyce" (Related Searches: julia quinn, liz carlyle, lynn viehl)

    Personally, I love #7.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Shannon wrote: OMG, I was going to comment, but I have to call my printer ASAP!

    But Shan, I really liked "You have 72 hours to buy 72 Hours. Or else." The ransom note font really made the bookmark. ;)

    Jaye wrote: Number 5! Number 5!

    That one is my personal favorite.

    Caryle wrote: Thanks for the giggle.

    Anytime. :)

    John wrote: *Eyes up the cost of making a scratch 'n sniff bookmark*

    Just use #8 and then ask the readers to send them back to you, John.

    Debbi wrote: Five. Love five.

    My Jewish grandma was a terrible influence on me. :)

    Lydia wrote: Thought this would tickle you from an Amazon.com search:

    "lydia joyce" (Related Searches: julia quinn, liz carlyle, lynn viehl)


    Now that sounds like the start of a pretty good joke. "Julia Quinn, Liz Carlyle, and Lynn Viehl walk into a bar..."

    ReplyDelete
  8. AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I think this is your best 10-list so far. #8 cracked me up... I'm sure my coworkers wonder what's so funny in my little cube.

    ReplyDelete
  10. OMG! *chokes on Pepsi* Better put a warning label next time. I could have died... *lol* These are hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  11. #5 & #6.

    hmmmm... i think #6 is my fave. Sounds nice and twisted. I like twisted.

    ReplyDelete
  12. BWAHAHA at #8! :) They're all priceless.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh, I love #6! Can I steal it? Please! I think it would be perfect for a murder mystery/suspense.

    Of course, to use the idea, I would have to write a murder mystery/suspense.

    ReplyDelete
  14. "Want to know how hot my book is? Rub yourself with this bookmark. You know where. Come on, baby."

    Despite the second-degree burns from spewing my coffee, I'm still laughing.

    ReplyDelete
  15. These are all so funny - especially #9. Hm... Maybe I could use something like. *lol*

    ReplyDelete
  16. Okay, I call dibs on #5 and #7. I'm designing bookmarks immediately. On #7, you forgot to put: "But wait, there's more!" Hey, on a side note, for the first time, I saw a Darkyn book in a WalMart--Dark Need. I've always looked in the area WMs, but this was the first time I found you.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Actually, I think number eight could work...

    ReplyDelete
  18. The longer you think about them, the more reasonable they sound, eh?

    There's a message in that, I'm just not sure what it is.

    ReplyDelete
  19. >Now that sounds like the start of a pretty good joke. "Julia Quinn, Liz Carlyle, and Lynn Viehl walk into a bar..."

    Oh, dear. We know who the punchline will be!

    With my name, bridging the dark/gothicky/whatever and the historical, it makes sense. Without it, though, it definitely is a list to cause a double-blink!

    ReplyDelete