Monday, December 03, 2007

Industry Bulb Jokes

Because it's Monday, and I'm sure we all could use a laugh:

Q: How many members of RWA does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. The graphic penetration of the lightbulb into the socket would violate the decency standards of inspirational romance writers, whom the historical and contemporary romance writers don't want to offend and lose their chance at a RITA. No one asks the African American writers, the e-book writers, the paranormal writers and the romantica/erotica writers because, you know, it's not like they write real romance.

Q: How many members of MWA does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One -- and you, too, can read about how the bulb was smashed and who broke it in the upcoming MWA anthology, And Then There Was Darkness. Only $26.95 at a bookstore near you! [link to podcast, Amazon.com, B&N.com, eBay auctions, Fictionwise, etc.]

Q: How many members of HWA does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They'd rather drink in the dark, thanks.

Q: How many members of SFWA does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One hundred and thirty-five. Seven on the Lightbulb Appropriate Use Sub-committee, who report to the twelve on the Digital Lightbulb Copyright Act Enforcement committee, appointed by the fifteen on the Sacred Cow Trust Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the five members of the Executive Lightbulb Finance Committee, who place it on the agenda of the eighteen-member Senior Executive Lightbulb Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the twenty-seven member Lightbulb Ethics board, who appoint another twelve-member review committee. If they recommend that the Lightbulb Appropriate Use Sub-committee proceed, a resolution is brought to the Annual Business Meeting. They appoint another eight-member review committee. If their report to supports the changing of a lightbulb, and the membership votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the lightbulb change is passed on to the Sacred Cow Trust Board, who in turn appoint a seven-member committee to find the best price in new lightbulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware is the best buy must then be reviewed by the twenty-three-member Ethics Committee to make certain that the hardware store has no connection or affiliation whatsoever to HWA or, God forbid, RWA. They report back to the Sacred Cow Trust Board who then commissions the President of SFWA to ask him to make the actual physical change, as long as he's not up for reelection. By then the President discovers that one more lightbulb has burned out, and must put forth another resolution before the membership to explore the necessity of purchasing yet another lightbulb, the specs for which have to be decided by seven members of the Lightbulb Appropriate Use Sub-committee,who report to the twelve on the Digital Lightbulb Copyright Act Enforcement committee . . .

and my personal favorite:

Q: How many publishers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Three. Two to hold down the writer.

Help a fellow writer or reader get through Monday -- post a joke in comments.

18 comments:

  1. Christmas joke:

    Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

    "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

    The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

    "You may pass through the pearly gates." Saint Peter said.

    The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

    Saint Peter said: "You may pass through the pearly gates."

    The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

    St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

    The man replied............. "They're Carols."

    ReplyDelete
  2. Katherine2:24 AM

    Don't forget the editors!
    http://writeon.ca/jokes.html

    My favorite:
    Q. How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?

    A. I'm really sorry I haven't gotten back to you, the question is pretty dense and it's taking me a little longer to get through than I thought. I'll finish reading it over the weekend and call you on Monday.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hey,

    Glad to learn that you are a published writer. Congrats!

    I am a struggling writer poet blogger and blog at http://johnpmathew.blogspot.com

    Do visit and leave a comment.

    have a nice day.

    J

    ReplyDelete
  4. I know how much, uh, crap is on YouTube, but this will bring a smile to anyone's face:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmwqpHsMExg

    ReplyDelete
  5. Kermit Jagger walked into a bank and walked up to the first teller, a Patricia Wack. "I'd like a loan," he said.

    "What do you have as collateral?" she asked.

    He plunked a ceramic elephant on the desk. "Will this do?"

    She stared at it, then called over her manager. "Will this be acceptable collateral?"

    The manager looked at the elephant, then at Kermit, then said:

    "It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

    ReplyDelete
  6. Nathan11:59 AM

    Don't have any publishing "lightbulb" jokes. Would you care for a few from the Film Industry?

    How many grips does it take to change a lightbulb?

    "Talk to the gaffer. Its not my F'ing job."

    How many Production Designers does it take to change a lightbulb?

    "Oh, lightbulbs are so cliche'. Does it have to be a lightbulb?"

    How many production managers does it take to change a lightbulb.

    "Use the same one over again. It isn't completely broken yet."

    How many Teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

    "28. You got a problem with that?"

    ReplyDelete
  7. "Q: How many members of MWA does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: One -- and you, too, can read about how the bulb was smashed and who broke it in the upcoming MWA anthology, And Then There Was Darkness. Only $26.95 at a bookstore near you! [link to podcast, Amazon.com, B&N.com, eBay auctions, Fictionwise, etc.]"

    The MWA does not permit writers to screw in their own lightbulbs. They must be screwed by publishers on the approved list, and editors with said publishers may not screw themselves.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:

    'Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.' The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, 'Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.'

    This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to 'Catatonics and High Colonics.' No go.

    Next, they tried 'Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives.' Thumbs down again.

    Then came 'Minds and Behinds.' Still no good.

    Another attempt resulted in 'Lost Souls and Butt Holes.' Unacceptable again.

    So they tried 'Analysis and Anal Cysts.' Not a chance.

    'Nuts and Butts?' No way.

    'Freaks and Cheeks?' Still no go.

    'Loons and Moons?' Forget it.

    Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with: 'Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.' It was approved.

    ----------------------------------

    Okay, okay, I know this joke is a wee bit childish (but potty humour is the best!) and politically incorrect, but I laughed so hard when I read it a few weeks ago. Hur hur hur. :3 It actually reminds me of you trying to come up with clever names for your newest Darkyn book, except in parody form. LOL. Hope you enjoyed. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Two nuns walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would have ducked.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anonymous5:05 PM

    How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    One, but he has to give it a good twist.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Jackie L.5:55 PM

    In my field--how many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

    --Jackie L.

    ReplyDelete
  12. heard at many writers' conferences ,

    stolen from here. A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

    She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

    "Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."

    A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.

    "Wait a minute," cried the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"

    "Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."

    ReplyDelete
  13. and another from that site:

    A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?" the man asks.

    "Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't notice the stove was on fire. It went up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn't make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is--"

    "Wait, wait. Back up a minute," The man says. "My agent called?"

    ReplyDelete
  14. How about a simple groaner?

    What does Santa use to take pictures?

    A North Pole-aroid!

    ReplyDelete
  15. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

    ReplyDelete
  16. OK, far afield from writing, but:

    Q: "How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?"

    A: "To get to the other side."

    ReplyDelete
  17. Chiara8:25 AM

    A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

    The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

    The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,

    "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question..

    If anyone needs it explained - read it a second time.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Q: How many members of SFWA does it take to change a light bulb?

    None. Light bulbs are for Luddites. Science Fiction writers read by the backlight on their funky futuristic electronic reading devices, and Fantasy writers use oil lamps or rushlights.

    ReplyDelete