Monday, November 12, 2007

Novel McTen

Ten Things That May Indicate You're Writing a McNovel

1. Amazing McTechnoThing: Your novel features a fantastic gadget, method of transportation or scientifical process which, if it actually existed, would make you the coolest, wealthiest, most admired, and most sexually active person on earth for inventing it (like Bill Gates with a harem of Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.)

2. Brother McVampires: Your vampire fiction novel features a manly, aggressive, somewhat homoerotic group of male vampires controlled by a female deity who passes off torture and mind games as wisdom and guidance; your protagonist will defy the female deity at least once during the story. Bonus Mcpoints: you claim the novel is entirely your invention and has nothing to do with that other Brother McVampire series which you of course simply haven't had time to read yet.

3. Dark and Stormy McNight: Your novel opens with a description of the weather, night, day, the sky or the aftermath of the weather which, while very prettily written and engaging all five of the human senses, has zero to do with the story.

4. Dragon McQuest: Your novel features dragons who, despite being much smarter, stronger and longer-lived, will voluntarily do anything for humans beings, including going on long journeys of incredible hardship, fighting wars and dying magnificent deaths, usually for some mystic item that has no value to dragons whatsoever.

5. Fannish McKnockoff: Your novel is based on a novel written by a much better writer who has been dead for at least twenty years and who you once fanboyed/girled but now you secretly think was not as talented as you are.

6. Happily Ever McAfter: Your novel ends with the hero and heroine getting married and having kids (conservative or religious romance); deciding to live together with an option on kids (liberal, modern, or sequel-in-the-works romance); choosing to be monogamous to each other without bringing up the subject of kids (author is under thirty and probably very hot) or selling the herd of sheep but keeping the goats and the cute blonde chick for occasional orgies (why, you hussy.)

7. Inspirational McLecture: Your novel has no sex, violence, politics, other-than-hetero people or social situations that are more troubling than what to bring to the PotLuck at church; the characters continually quote Bible verses to each other (when they're not wrestling with gritty story issues like how to tell the minister that his dog is digging up poor Mrs. Sanderson's prize roses.)

8. Literary McMasterpiece: Your novel has a meaningless title, is deeply depressing, ends badly, uses the word chiaroscuro more than three times and is really understood, like your pain, by only you.

9. Pundit McSoapbox: If anyone wants to know what your politics are, all they have to do is read your novel. Or anything you write.

10. Whodun McIt: Your novel has a murder mystery solved by an ex-cop, ex-therapist or ex-Fed detective with a dangerous but heart-of-gold sidekick who is beaten up or killed; the villain will either be a beautiful dame, a fat man or a good friend of the detective.

29 comments:

  1. Anonymous9:20 AM

    You and Selah are cracking me up this morning. And I admit to #6. Sigh. There's no hope for Happilyeverafteritis, is there?

    Eva

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have none of the ten on the Mc-List, just a giant lapse in motivation in my outline.

    11. Mc-Stupid Character

    ReplyDelete
  3. Could we keep the sheep and sell the goats instead? Okay, if you Insist on keeping the goats, could we at least keep them down-wind? Very, very,very down-wind.
    (I'm just sayin'). :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Eva wrote: And I admit to #6. Sigh. There's no hope for Happilyeverafteritis, is there?

    Nope. I'm definitely guilty of #1 and #6, was WFH-forced to be guilty of #3 and #7, and skirted the edge of #8 with some early unpubbed stuff. I defy anyone to beat my McTotal.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Darlene wrote: I have none of the ten on the Mc-List, just a giant lapse in motivation in my outline.

    McClueless? Ha.

    11. Mc-Stupid Character

    There you go.

    ReplyDelete
  6. *Rob McScraps his latest novel premise, red with shame*

    ReplyDelete
  7. Bravo, bravo, bravo!
    My Monday morning laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Does regicide count into the category of McStandard Plot Devices?

    ReplyDelete
  9. #6. Definitely #6 and proud of it. I do love my romantic HEA's.

    ;-)

    I'm safe on #2.... my vamps aren't just men... ;-) Bonus for that? No female dieties, either.

    I do have a McDragon idea, but I'm trying to do it in a way that would n't involve any of the typical McQuest requirements.

    Totally safe on 7-10, since lectures, lit masterpieces, politics bore me... and I enjoy whondunits, I've no desire to write one. At least not now.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Literary McMasterpiece: Your novel has a meaningless title, is deeply depressing, ends badly, uses the word chiaroscuro more than three times and is really understood, like your pain, by only you.

    Also, beneath the meaningless title of your novel, which will be sold and shelved as fiction, are the words,

    "A Novel"

    Because readers would never figure that out on their own.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Haha. I especially like the Brother McVampires :) I've definitely seen versions of Ward's series from other authors. I wonder sometimes if those other authors really think that no one will notice the obvious similarities.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Snarky McSnarkyton says i love this post...esp. the Brother McVampire...*snickersnicker*....Gawd i'm glad i'm over that, i confess....

    ReplyDelete
  13. Well, there might be politics in my novel, but I'm not sure they're my politics.

    Fun list, PBW! And nice to see you posting again.

    ReplyDelete
  14. this list is perfect (so what if I am guilty of number four.)

    ReplyDelete
  15. yeah, eva, you're right. Selah has that self-promo down!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Anonymous9:33 PM

    Note to self: Fix Amazing McTechno Thing when editing Nano story...
    JulieB

    ReplyDelete
  17. Crap. Back to the drawing board.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Um, what if your Dark and Stormy McNight runs into your HEA? Does that make it a double whammy?

    (Not that I would have that problem. Nope. Not at all. *shoves manuscript pages behind her back*)

    ReplyDelete
  19. *grabs ms pages*

    "It was a dark and stormy happy ever after...."

    Watch out! Sqrl's about!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Anonymous2:46 PM

    I have combined all ten in my book, what do you know?

    Does that men they all cancel out?

    ReplyDelete
  21. Where can I get me some of that "homoerotic group of male vampires controlled by a female deity who passes off torture and mind games as wisdom and guidance" pr0n? Sounds exciting!

    Let me just mop up my sweat after finding I didn't make this specific list.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Honestly, I'm beginning to think ALL vampire stories are McNovels.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I was considering a McComment but I couldn't think of anything novel to say.

    ReplyDelete
  24. choosing to be monogamous to each other without bringing up the subject of kids (author is under thirty and probably very hot)

    *smiles coyly*

    ReplyDelete
  25. Charles took "McComment." Damn!

    I haven't been here in a while. I rediscovered you via Moonrat.
    ROTFLMAO!!!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Don't ya know McVampires are the new McBlack?

    Don't forget about the McGuffin in the form of the McPainting that gets stolen by the McTerrorist and the McTourist is stuck in the McMiddle.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Boy oh boy nothing gets on my nerves more than VAMPIRES! (I mean, not actual vampires, but books/ movies/ television shows about vampires. Unless they're DRACULA.)

    Actually, I'm equally annoyed by books about climbing Mount fucking Everest (I'm also annoyed by anyone who ever has or aspires to climb Everest. Unless they're a Sherpa.) My least favorite premise for a book ever is: Vampires scaling Everest (while vampire Sherpas carry all their stuff for them and get none of the credit.) Just in case you really felt like pissing me off.

    ReplyDelete