Novel McTen

Ten Things That May Indicate You're Writing a McNovel

1. Amazing McTechnoThing: Your novel features a fantastic gadget, method of transportation or scientifical process which, if it actually existed, would make you the coolest, wealthiest, most admired, and most sexually active person on earth for inventing it (like Bill Gates with a harem of Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.)

2. Brother McVampires: Your vampire fiction novel features a manly, aggressive, somewhat homoerotic group of male vampires controlled by a female deity who passes off torture and mind games as wisdom and guidance; your protagonist will defy the female deity at least once during the story. Bonus Mcpoints: you claim the novel is entirely your invention and has nothing to do with that other Brother McVampire series which you of course simply haven't had time to read yet.

3. Dark and Stormy McNight: Your novel opens with a description of the weather, night, day, the sky or the aftermath of the weather which, while very prettily written and engaging all five of the human senses, has zero to do with the story.

4. Dragon McQuest: Your novel features dragons who, despite being much smarter, stronger and longer-lived, will voluntarily do anything for humans beings, including going on long journeys of incredible hardship, fighting wars and dying magnificent deaths, usually for some mystic item that has no value to dragons whatsoever.

5. Fannish McKnockoff: Your novel is based on a novel written by a much better writer who has been dead for at least twenty years and who you once fanboyed/girled but now you secretly think was not as talented as you are.

6. Happily Ever McAfter: Your novel ends with the hero and heroine getting married and having kids (conservative or religious romance); deciding to live together with an option on kids (liberal, modern, or sequel-in-the-works romance); choosing to be monogamous to each other without bringing up the subject of kids (author is under thirty and probably very hot) or selling the herd of sheep but keeping the goats and the cute blonde chick for occasional orgies (why, you hussy.)

7. Inspirational McLecture: Your novel has no sex, violence, politics, other-than-hetero people or social situations that are more troubling than what to bring to the PotLuck at church; the characters continually quote Bible verses to each other (when they're not wrestling with gritty story issues like how to tell the minister that his dog is digging up poor Mrs. Sanderson's prize roses.)

8. Literary McMasterpiece: Your novel has a meaningless title, is deeply depressing, ends badly, uses the word chiaroscuro more than three times and is really understood, like your pain, by only you.

9. Pundit McSoapbox: If anyone wants to know what your politics are, all they have to do is read your novel. Or anything you write.

10. Whodun McIt: Your novel has a murder mystery solved by an ex-cop, ex-therapist or ex-Fed detective with a dangerous but heart-of-gold sidekick who is beaten up or killed; the villain will either be a beautiful dame, a fat man or a good friend of the detective.