Tone Those Lines

For me, the toughest line to write is always the first. It's the kickoff of the story; it sets the tone and needs to be timed just right. Most book store browsers read at least the first line, so it's an important selling tool.

Because the first line is the one that makes the approach and creates the first impression, it can be viewed as the writer's version of the pickup line. The wording is important, but so is the tone. I think that's why many first lines sound so artificial or cheesy; writers get nervous and overthink the words while forgetting how they come across, i.e.:

Timid: So, you're a girl, huh?

Arrogant: Well, here I am; what were your other two wishes?

Here's a simple exercise I give students to help them out with first lines that also practices tone. I'm going to use it and some bad examples (all of which are based on actual first lines I've read but that I've paraphrased or reworded.)

Imagine for a moment that you're in a coffee shop. A cute person you'd like to tell a story to is there sitting alone, sipping a vanilla latte and looking bored. You walk up and say:

"Isn't this weather we're having just totally riveting?"

Talking about the weather is safe. It's polite. It's picturesque. You can't get into a lot of trouble opening with the weather because it is what it is and we all know what it is. No one will send you a hate-mail that starts off "I found your description of that thunderstorm completely revolting." It's no wonder weather remains the number one pick-up line most used by writers in fiction.

To me, weather is boring. It's been done to death. It has no tone. Wallpaper has more tone. And I swear, every time I read any description of the weather as the first line, I see it morph into "It was a dark and stormy night" on the page. It's up to you, but I really think we need to move on now.

"Times sure have been the best and worst lately, huh?"

Aside from the weather, nothing delivers a first line more often than General Lization. He's that big, vague, blustery old soldier that writers send to lead their story into battle. He doesn't know where he's going, he can't tell you anything of value and often he doesn't have a clue as to what the war's about. But he's harmless, and he sounds good, and everybody likes him, or so writers think (actually he's a bumbler, he sounds patronizing and readers think he's cliche.)

Whenever you feel the urge to deploy the general -- Times sure have been the best and worst lately -- ask yourself: Why? The answer is the guy who should really be commanding your first line. Then do yourself a favor; retire the general, and send him to Florida. He's earned it.

"I know this guy who knows this girl who's married to this dude who works for this other guy who dates this woman who has a cousin with a son who knows this lawyer whose client is looking for someone who can date his daughter's adopted son's best friend -- which would be me -- and I thought that might interest you."

Characters are good things. We like them. In my opinion, the more, the merrier. But to a reader, the introduction of more than one or two important characters in the first line of the story is like you bringing your entire family to the coffee shop to help you hit on her. That really the tone you want to set for your possible relationship?

Keep in mind that most people have limited memories for information, and throwing a lot of names at them is not going to impress them or help them remember who they are. Leave the clan at home and avoid turning your first line into a character dump.

"Hey, there, big boy, how would you like to hear something naughty?"

The coy first line is very flirty in tone. It flutters its eyelashes at the reader. It flashes a little cleavage. It giggles. Does it do anything else? Well, it better.

Here's the deal: the flirtation line, done properly, can be intriguing. I know of maybe a handful of writers who can make that tone work like a charm. But if it's an empty tease, sounds ridiculous or doesn't do anything for reader, it's a waste of time. Do not waste the reader's time.

Some other brief observations on frequently-used first line tones:

"You're smarter than you look, right?"

Questioning the reader's intelligence in the first line works about as well as it does in person. Don't go there.

"No one will ever, ever understand my pain."

Nor will they want to hear about it, either, if that's your first line.

"I know a lot of big, pretty, useless words that I think will impress the hell out of you, wanna hear 'em?"

About as much as we want to watch you love yourself. Pass.

"Can I tell you the story of my life?"

No. Okay? Just: no.

Also, one other problem with first lines that regularly bedevils writers is that they get stuck on them. They write and rewrite and reword and write over and yet they're never satisfied and get caught in that whole reread-rewrite-reread loop. If you can't think of a decent opening line, or can't get past the one you've written, do yourself a favor -- write this sentence as your first line:

Until I think of something better, this is how it started.

It's a prod, too. Until you think of something better, that sentence will be your working first line. Leave it there as a place holder and continue writing.

Some of the first lines I've written most recently, and why I used them:

“Know what the three greatest pleasures in life are, buddy?”

Beginning a story with a line of dialogue is a bit tricky, and a lot of writers don't like to be that forward with the reader. I thought this one was fun, though, and it poses a question that everyone would answer differently but would want to know how other people would answer. It's also a line you'd hear one guy say to another in a bar, which is where this story opens.

Only Death is immortal.

I debated this one for a long time. I wanted a powerful first line for this particular opening, which was an ancient journal entry written by a character who is prone to making provocative statements. At the same time, I worried I'd gone and recalled the general. In the end I decided to use it because it is short, it sets the tone I wanted, and I doubt I'll ever pack that much truth or irony into a mere four words again.

Luce wanted to live up to her name tonight.

I apologize in advance to every Luce out there for this one, but when this line popped in my head I couldn't resist it. It's extremely rare that I have a first line come to me on its own, evidently out of nowhere, but when it does and it's good, I run with it.

What do you wrestle with when you're composing your first lines? Do you have a favorite first line of your own? Let us know in comments.

Authors and Slogans

I think advertising slogans are becoming very dull and unimaginative. Take McDonald's current slogan: I'm Lovin' It. Lovin' what, precisely? The prices? The service? The entire menu? I had one of your salads a few weeks ago, and I didn't exactly hate it, but love? Not even close. You want a crack at my heart, you need to stock fresher lettuce, sodium/fat-free dressings, and lose those lousy cherry tomatoes you dump in everything.

If you're going to go with an uninspired slogan, at least get creative with the presentation. Capital One's slogan of "What's in your wallet?" is flatter than a French crepe, but the commercials with the Dark Age barbarian hordes storming into modern life before their leader delivers it as a one-liner makes it deliciously funny.

If advertising departments need to hire different writers, they should rustle up a few authors. God knows we can use the work. For example:

Dan Brown for UPS: See what the other globally-dominating brown can do for you.

Jackie Collins for De Beers: A Diamond is forever, but then, so is alimony.

Sue Grafton for the United States Army: B is for all you can be.

Laurell K. Hamilton for G.E.: We bring dead things to life.

Stephen King for Verizon Wireless: Can you hear me now? ...Good! Go kill everyone around you.

Thomas Harris for the United Negro College Fund: A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Want a taste?

China Mieville for McDonald's Big Mac: Two oily beef patties crawling with secret sauce created in hidden places somewhere beneath the unnamed city at the juncture of two rivers, one south-flowing and one gone sluggish and stagnant, wilted lettuce from the window box of a one-armed nun turned pimp, cheese with verdant, moldy corners made from the milk of a mutated cow force-fed diseased grain, which might also explain the odorous patties as they were, as that farmer's horse vanished on curd-making day, pickled things from the murky bottom of an ancient and ominously rusted barrel, onions or perhaps bunions from the old mayor's feet, cunningly carved to resemble onions, on a bun seeded with disaster, weevils and the lipstick marks from the pouting mouth of the young tart at the serve-all window who had obviously stolen a bite before bagging it.

PBW for The United States Air Force: Aim high. No, higher, nitwit.

Hunter S. Thompson for The Partnership for a Drug-Free America: This is my brain. It's your brain on drugs. Any questions?

Reverend Rick Warren for Volkswagen: Purpose-Drivers wanted.

I have a couple of personal slogans, and someday I'm going to figure out how I can tattoo Blow me on some part of my body without Mom finding out. How about you all? Have you come up with a personal slogan, or have a particular favorite out there in the advertising world?

Title Search

Here's a title-and-hook-line practice game: sit in any place in your house where you're surrounded by things with words on them (garage, storage room, library, home office, etc.) Make a list of random words that you see around you (don't take titles off the spines of books.)

Here's my list of words from the garage:

Old Locks (hand-written on cardboard box)
Wonder Wind (extension cord winder; "er" from "winder" is worn off)
Running Men (shoe box)
Just for Thought (old note stuck to bulletin board)
Venezia Spell (paint chip folder)
Landmark (fan box)
Without Rain (cracked CD case with fragment of insert, Enya? maybe)
Nom 166 (Dell computer box)
Gem of Truth (one or the kids' RPG cards)
Just a Click Away (end of photo package)
To Her Desires (beginning of last line on cover copy of old novel I'm reading)

Now, take your title words and imagine a story for them -- doesn't have to be a novel, just a story idea -- and write a premise or hook line for it:

Old Locks: Grandma meets the three bears.
Wonder Wind: How fast will Timmy's new bike go?
Running Men: In this race, there is no second place.
Just for Thought: Before you leave me, let me tell you why you shouldn't.
Venezia Spell: Never cast a stone spell in a glass castle.
Landmark: What could have scorched through the corn field like that?Without Rain: Forty nights in the devil's desert.
Nom 166: 500 more days and the AntiChrist arrives.
Gem of Truth: John and Marcia must save mystic gem from murderous thief.
Just a Click Away: Falling in cyberlove.
To Her Desires: Everything must be, or else.

You can also pick up title words and phrases from the Yellow Pages or telephone directory, things you hear people say, billboards, street signs or greeting cards. Look around you right now: what words do you see that you can make into a title and hook line? Post yours in comments.

What's Your Line? Winners

Let me say that What's Your Line? was the hardest contest I've ever had to judge, period. The talent you folks hit me with was mind-boggling, and it took me a full day to narrow it down to the finalists. Then I couldn't decide between two writers for one category, so we have a tie.

But there must be winners, so here we go:

Winners for the Most Intriguing Line (Tie):

"While the most powerful nation in the world guarded its borders against dark men with explosives hidden on their bodies, death arrived in the form of a little girl with big brown eyes - and a slight cough." -- Samantha Gossett, Twilight

Samantha, your line was beautifully written, well-balanced, lyrical, timely -- and absolutely chilling. As I hit those last four words, I swear the hair on the back of my neck stood on end. You've also created a line to grab the attention of any type of reader, which makes editors drool. Go hug your kid, she was right on the money with this one.

"Being a mortician meant my relationship with each client lasted approximately 3 days, they didn't communicate with me during their stay in my establishment and they didn't come back to visit once our business was concluded." -- Claudia Moore

I liked the sophistication of your line, Claudia, as well as your word choices. It's exactly the sort of language I'd expect a dignified mortician to use, and it delivers the hook with a elegant wallop. I've even got a mental picture of the narrator, which given the total lack of descriptive words makes you something of a magician.

Winner for the Most Humorous Line:

"There are two types of people living in North Hampton; those who believe Andy Vick is guilty of murder, and Andy Vick."-- Arthur

Arthur, you've got a lot going here with this one: a strong intro to your story, a friendly, conversational tone, and a stand-up comedian zinger of a punchline. I also laughed out loud reading it, the litmus test of all humorous lines.

And the Winner for the Best Line in Contest:

"Now that I was actually in a dungeon with a dragon, the whole idea seemed a lot less appealing." -- Birthday Pirate

Above all, a great opening line should make me want to read the story, and even as anti-dragon as I am at the moment, Birthday Pirate grabbed and owned my attention with this line. It's simple, intriguing, and laugh-out-loud funny. It's also a rock-solid hook; of all the lines in the contest, this was the one I kept coming back to read. Well done.

Our four winners should e-mail LynnViehl@aol.com with your book wish, your full name and ship-to address so I can get your prizes out to you. My thanks to Gabriele for coming up with the idea for this contest, and to all the talented writers who participated.

What's Your Line?

Yesterday in comments our pal Gabriele proposed I hold an opening line contest. I think it's a great writing exercise, and you know how much I like cracking the whip and making you people work. So let's do it.

In comments to this post, give us your finest opening line. The line can be something you come up with just for the contest, from your work in progress, or from a story or novel you've published.

Da Contest Rules:

1. The line can be of any length, but it must be a single sentence.

2. The line must be your original work.

I'll be the contest judge and will pick three winning lines; one in each of the following categories:

Best Line in Contest
Most Humorous Line
Most Intriguing Line

The three winners of the contest will be lavished with much praise by me and will also be granted a book wish.* The deadline to enter your best opening line is midnight EST on Thursday, October 5, 2006, and the contest is open to everyone on the planet except Elizabeth Kostova, who already had her chance with me and blew it.

*Book wish = one book of your choice that is available for order online and is priced at $30.00 U.S. dollars or less. I will throw in any/all shipping cost.

Prize Inside

A well-meaning friend sent me a copy of Elizabeth Kostova's The Historian over the summer. He viewed this as a gift; I did not. I've been dodging this elephantine bloodsucker since I first spotted its Susanna Clarkish dimensions causing a book dump to collapse in the center at BAM. Also, a first novel that exceeds 500 pages, in my experience, has either not been adequately edited, and/or was written by someone with whom I have as much in common as I do, say, Anne Coulter.

Finally this week I opened the book and read the first line. She got a lot of money for this book, and I truly wasn't jealous. I just wanted it to be great. I wanted her to deserve that whomping contract and to give me the book equivalent of a bigass box of CrackerJack with a diamond ring prize inside so I could write up something about the book here. This is what I got:

The story that follows is one I never intended to commit to paper.

How did Kostova's first published line grab me? Well, I immediately slammed the cover shut and put it on the TBRMBID* shelf. The cats like to hang on that shelf and cough up hairballs. Sometimes Jak has a bladder spasm while he's throwing up. A girl can hope.

I suspect that this was a carefully crafted, much-thought-over lit-head hook line (you can almost smell the rewrite ink.) Obviously it was supposed to intrigue me, and maybe if I was a novel size queen I'd be all over it. Drown me in stories you never intended to tell me, baby.

Problem is, I'm a writer. When you land a deal like Kostova did, and write a novel so long that each chapter requires their own edition of Cliff Notes, the last thing you should start your book with is, "Gee, I never meant to write this." It's like kicking a boy in the family jewels and standing over him while he writhes in pain and then murmuring, "Golly, does that hurt?"

Yeah, I'm going to want to read more of that.

I didn't throw The Historian in the trash, so there's still a slim chance that I'll recover from the slap of that ridiculous line and go back for another shot. If I throw your book in the garbage, though, it's definitely abandon hope all ye time.

That's the first time I've ever had such a negative reaction to an opening line. I can't decide if it's a rational reaction or I am jealous or in writer denial or something. I think (besides the gift aspect) that's the other reason I didn't toss the book. One line instant aversion isn't being fair to Elizabeth Kostova. I gave old Susanna Clarke a whole 54 pages before I gave up on her doorstop with the lousy punctuation. Liz deserves at least as much.

Do you expect a prize inside from an author who lands a huge deal for their novel? Do you feel cheated when you don't find it?

*To be read maybe before I'm dead.

What's Your Line?

You have a magical business card that will appear in the hand of every editor in publishing tomorrow. It lists your name or pseudonym and your contact information. There is also just enough room for a single sentence of fifteen words or less, i.e.:

                     Paperback Writer

      Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

So what's the line on your magical business card say?

Hookers

We all know how important cover art and decent copy is to catch the attention of a book buyer, but I think the opening line of your novel can also make or break a sale. How many times have you seen a browsing book buyer open a novel and read, then put it back on the shelf? I don't think it wasn't because the title page had a lame font, do you?

Like decent endings, good, solid opening lines are elusive things. They don't want to pop into your head. They don't like to cooperate, can't be forced, and often silently beg C'mon, rewrite me, rewrite me. I know authors who won't write their opening lines until the book is finished, and others who agonize or brood over them more than any other part of the book.

The healthier approach is to be casual and have a good time with opening lines. Yes, the beginning of any story is important, and you should pay attention to how you write it, but endlessly rewriting in search of The Perfect Hook takes time you can spend writing other things. You know, like the novel.

I don't think we ever become experts at opening lines, either. I've written them for the last thirty years, and yet out of all those dozens of novels and hundreds of stories, I've only been (nearly) satisfied with these three openers:

All I was trying to do when they caught me was bury my mother in an unmarked grave. -- Blade Dancer

A carpenter who falls and impales himself on a two-by-four isn’t supposed to burst into flame, but there he was: construction worker kabob. -- Infusion

I don’t like waking up with a three hundred pound merc sitting on me and holding a knife to my throat. -- Red Branch

Obviously I like a lot of drama and excitement -- not to mention criminal activity -- in my opening lines. Other quirks: all three of these stories, like most of my work, feature female protagonists who are very different from Yours Truly. All three stories open with a death or imminent death (my favorite alternative to the weather report.) They're a bit shocking but they're also funny. If I can rattle your cage while I make you laugh, then I'm a happy girl. Great opening lines may have a lot to do with our storytelling styles as well as our individual voices, and how true we are to them.

What do you think goes into the making of a great opener? If you've got some examples of your own or another writer's you'd like to share, post them in comments.

Rides

I saw a bumper sticker on a Chevy truck today that rocked me:

Get in, sit down, shut up and hold on.

I love it. I'd put that on my business cards, if I had any. Every word encapsulates my ambitions as a writer:

Get In: I want to catch your attention, pull you in, hook you on my ride.

Sit Down: I want you to like my ride, enough to get comfortable, go with me and see what's down the road.

Shut Up: I want to shake you up, surprise you, shock you if I can, take your breath away, leave you speechless.

And Hold On: After I've done all that? I want to crank it up even more. I don't want you to let go until we cross the very last line.

This isn't a new idea for me. Back when I taught online workshops, I described a novel as a vehicle for the reader. My idea of a great book is always one that invites the reader to come along for a joy ride, in the middle of the night, to places you're really not supposed to go. Those are the kind of novels I love to read, so no surprise that I'd want to write them.

What would the bumper sticker on your current ride say?