Knock-Off No-Nos

Ten Knockoffs I Will Never Write (and neither should you)

Divergent, but as a mashup with The Hunger Games

Let's see, we'll merge the Choosing Ceremony with The Reaping; when Tris gets a bird tattoo we'll make that a mockingjay, make the dystopian society a . . . um, dystopian society, take lots of violence and add that to, ah, lots of violence, and factions with classes and . . . I'm sorry, what exactly can I mash up again?

The Fault in Our Stars, but as an HEA contemporary romance

Then there would be no story, yes? Next.

Frozen, but as a paranormal romance with vampires and werewolves

If Elsa is a guy with amnesia, then I already wrote it. Before the movie came out, ha!

The Goldfinch, but as a Dickensian literary novel

All I'd have to do is retitle it: David Copperfield's Great Expectations. Send me my millions now, please.

Gone Girl, but as a M/M literary romance

Nick would have to fall in love with himself, at which point Amy would totally refall in love with him, and then Desi would kill them both. Actually, that kind of works for me.

Heaven is for Real, but as a Redneck humor book

If you read it in Jeff Foxworthy accent and ad lib a bit it's really hilarious. Go on, try: "Aw, it's gonna be okay. First person you're gonna see is Jesus -- and whooooo-wee, is he pissed at you!"

Mockingjay, but as a cozy cat mystery

I get as far as "It's another lovely day in Underground 13's book store, where every stray kitty is welcome. Only today the fur flies when our mystery-loving, bird-catching, still somewhat feral Catnip finds out Pita isn't bread, I mean, dead . . ." and then I can't stop laughing.

Oh, the Places You'll Go!, but as a political thriller

Well, then everyone is going to only one place. Think very, very, very south, with no chance of snowballs.

Pride & Prejudice, but as inspirational chick-lit

Because it is a truth universally acknowledged that Jane Austen didn't care if Lizzie talked in church, had a hussy for a sister or if her shoes ever matched her gloves.

Under the Dome, but as a cookbook.

This is complicated. If you're old enough to remember that Ronco Food Dehydrator infomercial in which Ron Popeil featured his kid and filled in the bald spot on his dome before he demo'd the unit . . . okay, you're not that old, never mind.