Yes, it's officially holiday shopping season, so I thought I'd kick off December with
Ten Things I Don't Want For Christmas
Body-Fat Caliper: Very funny. This will get you gifted in return that home high colonic kit.
Books: As much as I'm sure I'd appreciate My Love Will Conquer Your Sadism or Amish Girl Stripper or the latest SF ripoff of Dick, Lem, Piper or Star Trek, how about a bookstore gift card instead?
Candy, Chocolate, or Sugar of Any Variety: It's been a decade since my doctor took sugar and sweets away from me, and yet every year some editor sends me that tower of chocolate thing I have to immediately donate. Stop it.
Exotic Teas: Yes, I am a tea lover. No, I do not want to make pots of vitaminized green tea infused with the essence of butternut squash. If you're still determined to tea me, go with decaf black, a single fruit flavor, or spiced chai.
Fur Anything: Not that I want to step on anyone's fur-loving toes, but I think we've evolved past the need to kill an animal in order to keep warm, yes?
House Plants: The cat eats them, and then throws up, usually on my bed pillow.
Massage Gift Certificate: Let's see, the relaxing chance to go to a little strip mall shop, take off all my clothes and lay face-down on an unsanitized, cracked vinyl mat while a person I don't know touches and pummels me? Pass.
Sexy Satin PJs: I'm not in the especially sexy stage of life, they're slippery, and during the night I tend to gravitate toward the edge of the bed. Plus my darling pup Skye sleeps on a quilt on the floor next to my side of the bed and if I fall, it's on top of her. P.S., I don't actually wear PJs.
Tattoo Parlor Gift Certificate: Ever wonder why I still don't have a tattoo? Ask my mom what she'll do to me if I ever get one.
Writer Novelties: I probably already own it. Yeah, even those lend-a-pens with the STD treatment clinic imprints.
What gift don't you want for the holidays? Let us know in comments.