Thursday, April 18, 2013

Be Happy We Work at Home

Ten Things That Would Happen if Writing Became a Day Job

Accounting: could slow down in a big way and no one would notice. Meanwhile, the payroll clerk would become everyone's BFF.

Bosses: would have to do a lot more reading, stock up on Pepto, hire an extra secretary just to answer their intercom or phone extension and learn how to speak editor ("Get it done" = "If you can send this to me by close of business today I'll authorize your D&A payment").

Business Conferences: would have to include new events like Project Pitchorama, Character Dress-up for Literacy and The Vampire Ball.

Casual Friday: would be pretty much every day, and would have to be expanded to authorize the wearing of pjs, yoga pants, fuzzy socks and T-shirts with slogans like "OCCUPY PUBLISHING".

Company Coffee Pot: would burn out from overuse every other month or be filled with extra-large tea bags immersed in something vaguely purple that smells a bit like like the Queen's perfume.

Desks: would be buried beneath stacks of corrected chapters, two years of The Writer back issues, three dozen pens that ran out of ink and assorted widgets/gadgets/gizmos, index cards, newspaper clippings, and at least one hundred sticky notes inscribed with enigmatic phrases like "Sx scene Chap 9!!!!" or "Dismember by ch. saw?"

Offices: would need three walls of book shelves, stereo systems, scented candles, locking doors, pillows to scream into and at least one large window overlooking something pretty.

Personal Calls: would have to be authorized for mid-afternoon moments of panic when the employees need to call their best writer pals to say, "I suck. Go ahead, just tell me the truth. I suck."

Supply Closets: would have to be kept stocked with six months' supply of toner, bond paper, highlighters, red pens and lots and lots of notebooks with cute kitten covers.

Water Cooler: would be much more popular, at least until the boss discovers someone refilled it with wine.

10 comments:

  1. Also, the IT department would constantly be trying to figure out new firewalls to keep writers off FB and Twitter and Google and Amazon because as much as we say we don't want to be distracted by them, we would become expert hackers too so that we could pretend we're in touch with the outside world.

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    1. Lol. Now I'm imagining a T-shirt that reads "Hack Publishing!"

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  2. And the employee benefits department would probably need an on-staff counselor to talk rejected writers through their disappointments and help them plumb the depths of their childhood or relationship tragedies to bring new realism to their characters.

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    1. Employee benefits would have to triple their staff, I think.

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  3. Fran K9:52 AM

    Wow what a world you writers live in. . . scary but I like the wine cooler!

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    1. We're mostly harmless. Mostly.

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  4. I would love that office. Then I wouldn't be the only one with 20 inkless pens I can't throw away!

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    1. Speaking of unusable writing instruments, I saw a picture frame in Target covered by colored pencils all fitted together and cut to the edge of the frame. Now I'm wondering if I could do that somehow with inkless pens (don't think I could cut them, though) or maybe old/broken crayons.

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  5. @Charlene, OMG I LOVE you! I have the same thing. A pen holder full of useless pens that for whatever reason, I can't seem to part with one of them.

    I like the Casual Fridays and Water Cooler. The casual Fridays thing I did when I didn't work and could spend my days writing away. The water cooler? Well, it's always 5pm somewhere, isn't it?

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    1. Old pens never get thrown out here -- I think I'm too fond of all the associated memories.

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