Thursday, December 01, 2011

Wishlist Ten

Dear Santa,

Normally I don't bother you, but I have some special requests this year that I believe only you can handle. Here then is my list of:

Ten Things I Would Like for Christmas

1. Every celebrity who agrees to sing The Star-Spangled Banner at special events to first take the time to actually learn all the words to the song. It's our national anthem, it's not that long or complicated, and hearing it being mangled by famous dimwits greatly annoys me.

2. The ability to open the end of a package of crackers without the cellophane tearing down to the middle or end of the package. This is so I don't have to put all the crackers I don't want in a ziploc bag that never fits back into the original box.

3. All these people in the industry who are constantly shrieking that "Print publishers suck" or "E-publishers suck" or "Self-publishing sucks" to be escorted to a deserted island without internet access or a way to escape, and left there to bitch at each other until next Christmas, as it will take at least that long for them to exhaust all their pointless whiny-ass arguments.

4. Hair coloring that doesn't burn my scalp, drip in my eyes or smell like Eau de Chernobyl. I'd also like it to come in shades that are not named after food but that are modelled on the packaging by real women who actually use the product versus these airbrushed emaciated teens who won't even see an authentic gray hair sprout from their scalp for another 25 years.

5. An e-reader that is actually handicapped-user friendly. Or a video that shows a handicapped person trying to use any of the existing e-readers on the market, so I can show it to all these Oh, you gotta have an e-reader they're so great I love mine you're really missing out people and get them off my back.

6. All candy, confections, pastries, puddings, cupcakes and pies to become 100% no-calorie, no-fat and no-cholesterol for Christmas Day. Or (if you accept my solemn promise in advance that I'll be a good girl in 2012) from Christmas Day through my birthday.

7. Goodwill toward women. I'm tired of the men hogging it every year.

8. The family member who is at this moment considering a pink bathrobe, pink satin PJs, pink slippers, pink purse, pink bath products and/or pink sneakers as a gift for me to decide that a bookstore gift card in any shade of pink would be a much more appropriate present.

9. All women who sleep with married politicians for any length of time to stop doing it and avoid all publicity while writing a sincere, anonymous letter of apology to said politicians' wives, in which they make a solemn vow to never do it again. Some therapy and community service would probably be a good idea, too.

10. Peace on Earth. Will take that over the other nine items any time.

Sincerely,
PBW

So what's on your wishlist to Santa? Let us know in comments.

15 comments:

  1. That instead of saying "you'll feel a little pinch", the next doctor I see will say, "it's gonna burn like you're mainlining molten freaking lava, but you're an adult so I'm telling you the truth." Thank you.

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  2. 1) A house to rent.
    2) Family to stay healthy during the coming year - including my mom and dad.
    3) A car would be nice, but if I could pretty please have those first two, I'd happily walk or borrow for the next year.

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  3. Fran Kane5:26 AM

    I’m with you on the hair dye thing. Of course the only one I’ve found that doesn’t burn my scalp and cause weeks of itching afterwards happens to be the most expensive one on the market – typical.

    I’m also definitely behind calories free cupcakes, brownies, ginger cake and choc chip cookies, but can we extend the “free” period to June – my birthday? There’s got to be some compensation to being over 50!

    Further to your “politician’s mistress” comment, I really wish that anyone who sleeps with celebrities, especially the minor kind, would keep quiet about it. I don’t want to know who’s sleeping with who thank you very much and I very definitely do not want to read all the gory details. They sell their stories to the media giving lots of salacious sexual details and the thing they whine loudly is their defence is “I thought he/she loved me!” Really? A one night stand is hardly a declaration of undying love! No, he does not love you – duh. Now shut up and keep your private business private.

    My most fervent wish for this festive season, however is that drivers re-learn how to use their indicators. This is extremely irritating from both a pedestrian and driver’s viewpoint. I’ve nearly been run over when crossing the road near a roundabout simply because the dur-brain behind the wheel hasn’t bothered to indicate, then gives me the “stupid cow” look as if it’s my fault. I get so mad. It’s even worse when I’m the driver and think I’m good to go until the oncoming car decides to come straight at me. What’s even more annoying is that my son, who passed his driving test 3 years ago, is one of the worst culprits and I spend the entire time I’m in his car pressing the indicator for him. I don’t know if this is just an issue in my town or if its universal but if I ruled the world, use of indicators would be mandatory!

    And yes most of all I wish for Peace of Earth and goodwill to all God’s children.

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  4. I'm with you on the cracker packages. As well I'd like coffee that doesn't give me heartburn because I love, love, love coffee.

    And Santa, I'll give up on the coffee if you can just remind everyone to be a little nicer, just a little--all the time, not just until the 25th. Peace on Earth would be wonderful as well but I'm trying to be realistic.

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  5. Number four. Every time.
    One good thing is that I've learned that my Clairol number (not the name of the shade or the picture on the pack) is the same the world over. That, I have to say, is a good thing.

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  6. Oh and my wish is that Rupert Murdoch and the rest of the clan get what they deserve - whatever that happens to be. That the Levenson Enquiry has some effect on the state of the media.
    God bless Dennis Potter, wherever he is.

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  7. I'll keep to the simple 3-wishes standard:

    1. I wish for every single television executive to have an epiphany and realize that reality TV starring narcissistic, ego-centric, spoiled celebrity-wannabees whose only contribution to the world is decorating it by being "pretty" is actually NOT quality programming and to remove any such programs from their line-ups pronto.

    2. For the politicians in Washington, on both sides of the line, to wake up and smell the coffee and start working FOR the good of the public instead of for the good of their careers. Political ideology is worthless when it's used as a weapon instead of a tool to solve serious problems. Get down from your partisan high horses and do the work we all voted you in to do.

    3. For my family to remain healthy and happy, with minimal teenage angst and drama. I know that last part is kind of a long shot wish.

    Happy Holidays!

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  8. I would take any and all of yours, Lynn. This year, I have absolutely no requests for Santa/Hanukkah Harry. I'm just so grateful that we are all here to celebrate another year. (Today is the 1 year anniversary of our fire. Please check your smoke detectors and tell all your blog readers to do the same!)

    Much love to you and yours, and my gratitude, always.

    lj

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  9. 1. a doctor that tells you all of the side-effects of any medication he gives you - and knows them.

    2. a year without vomiting due to meds, weather changes, or food

    3. a year without listeria, or any other -isteria in our food supply

    4. a year where someone loves my books and tells all their friends

    5. a year where I don't have to worry so much about money for food, rent, medications, and doctor's appointments...

    But mostly I wish for a good year where my disease stays in remission and my husband's health continues to stay good. (Peace as well, but I am a little cynical about that one.)

    Cyn

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  10. 1) I'd love someone to buy my house. Extra candy canes if they can do it without insulting myself, my husband, and my house in the offer process. We've had one seriously lowball offer that we couldn't afford to take that was followed by an email from the potential buyer telling us what all she hates about the house therefore we should pay her to take it off our hands. And another rental offer--note its for sale, not rent--where they keep giving us "their final offer" and insisting that they are ready to move in in 2 days...I don't take well to pushy "sales" tactics especially to rent a house we do not wish to continue owning.

    Real estate sucks, and we're never moving again.

    2. A winning lottery ticket so that if we do need to move again I can pay someone to pack, unpack, and deal with all the crazies out on the real estate market. Next time, I'm going to the beach for a week while someone moves all our stuff and puts it all away for us.

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  11. Good list! Definitely agree with the no more "reality" TV requests in the comments too!

    Let's see, for my list:

    1) Continued love, joy, good health, and happiness in my household.

    2) Record low crime rates - everywhere.

    3) An end to global poverty.

    4) Young people who value their self-worth - and act like they do.

    5) People to stop complaining and blaming and to start taking responsibility for their lives - good, bad, or otherwise.

    6) More common kindness.

    7) Sibings who get along, because life is way too short.

    8) Healthy parents who live to be very, very old.

    9) An agent in 2012 who is wonderful and the "pefect match for me."

    10) And finally... good friends, good food, and even more good memories.

    :)

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  12. 1) For my family to remain safe, happy, healthy and whole.

    2) For the one stressor in our lives to realize being nasty isn't getting them anywhere and we really do only want to be left alone. We don't hate you, we're just tired of your crap. It's exhausting and unnecessary. So please, go in peace. And leave us alone.

    3) For the post office to figure out whatever it is they need to figure out so that job uncertainty will no longer be hanging over our heads. Even a layoff at least allows us to move on and find a new direction. Same with a transfer. Staying here will be fine, too. Please pick one. Being trapped in endless limbo sucks.

    4) For my thriller to find the right home.

    5) To have time to sew again.

    6) To practice kindness even when I'm tired and frustrated.

    7) For L and L to figure out what everyone around them can already see.

    8) To finish Stain of Corruption, because it will really rock, when I manage to wrangle it into a cohesive whole.

    9) To lose no pets in 2012

    10) Productive happiness for all. :)

    Happy holidays, everyone!!!

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  13. I like quite a few of the things on your list, #6 would be super nice.

    However I really only have one thing on my wish list for next year. That my 18yr old son, who was diagnosed with leukemia eight weeks ago, achieve complete molecular response or at the very least have achieved major molecular response by this time next year.

    Anything else would be icing on the cake.

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  14. A stress free year. I would love to just cruise for awaile.

    Aside from that, I'm lol'ing over the pink stuff. I love pink, so I'd take the pjs, slippers, robe and the book card. :)

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