Normally I don't bother you, but I have some special requests this year that I believe only you can handle. Here then is my list of:
Ten Things I Would Like for Christmas
1. Every celebrity who agrees to sing The Star-Spangled Banner at special events to first take the time to actually learn all the words to the song. It's our national anthem, it's not that long or complicated, and hearing it being mangled by famous dimwits greatly annoys me.
2. The ability to open the end of a package of crackers without the cellophane tearing down to the middle or end of the package. This is so I don't have to put all the crackers I don't want in a ziploc bag that never fits back into the original box.
3. All these people in the industry who are constantly shrieking that "Print publishers suck" or "E-publishers suck" or "Self-publishing sucks" to be escorted to a deserted island without internet access or a way to escape, and left there to bitch at each other until next Christmas, as it will take at least that long for them to exhaust all their pointless whiny-ass arguments.
4. Hair coloring that doesn't burn my scalp, drip in my eyes or smell like Eau de Chernobyl. I'd also like it to come in shades that are not named after food but that are modelled on the packaging by real women who actually use the product versus these airbrushed emaciated teens who won't even see an authentic gray hair sprout from their scalp for another 25 years.
5. An e-reader that is actually handicapped-user friendly. Or a video that shows a handicapped person trying to use any of the existing e-readers on the market, so I can show it to all these Oh, you gotta have an e-reader they're so great I love mine you're really missing out people and get them off my back.
6. All candy, confections, pastries, puddings, cupcakes and pies to become 100% no-calorie, no-fat and no-cholesterol for Christmas Day. Or (if you accept my solemn promise in advance that I'll be a good girl in 2012) from Christmas Day through my birthday.
7. Goodwill toward women. I'm tired of the men hogging it every year.
8. The family member who is at this moment considering a pink bathrobe, pink satin PJs, pink slippers, pink purse, pink bath products and/or pink sneakers as a gift for me to decide that a bookstore gift card in any shade of pink would be a much more appropriate present.
9. All women who sleep with married politicians for any length of time to stop doing it and avoid all publicity while writing a sincere, anonymous letter of apology to said politicians' wives, in which they make a solemn vow to never do it again. Some therapy and community service would probably be a good idea, too.
10. Peace on Earth. Will take that over the other nine items any time.
So what's on your wishlist to Santa? Let us know in comments.