Your Writing Horoscope

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You’re known for your fiery temper, which isn’t going to be soothed by watching Amazon.com dump all your e-books next week after they squabble with your publisher over pricing. Remember that you do this in order to make a living, not as an excuse to purchase that rocket launcher you’ve been secretly lusting over. Besides, do you really think you can pick out the right window to Jeff Bezos’s office from the street? You’d be better off bringing a video camera to that late-May writer’s conference to record the hijinks that happen after the awards ceremony in the Tiki bar. Watch for an editor with multiple piercings and a taste for tequila shots; she’s got an opening on her list and a real jones for that bald agent with the tribal-tatted ankles.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
That bio photo your cousin took of you last month when Pluto moved into your house? Is about as attractive as the planet. Dwarf planet. Whatever. Anyway, this is the time you should really think about your image in ways that do not require a permanent photographic record. Also, the futuristic silver sequinned jacket and skirt set you were planning to wear to BEA? Will make you quite popular – like that chick in the inflatable Tor wiener dog was back in ‘05. Burn the photos and the suit on May 3 as an offering to Venus.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Both sides of you need to stop bickering, sit down and work out an amicable mental condition, because you’re starting to argue with yourself out loud and that’s scaring the chicks at your table during the monthly chapter meeting. Try meditation and chanting (shouldn’t be a problem since you can do both at the same time.) On May 15 you’ll meet a pair of cute single twin guy writers at the literacy function; see if they’re into a menage because there’s no way the two of you are ever going to agree on one man.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Your aversion to group dynamics makes you regularly brandish your claws or withdraw into your shell, but this month you’ll have a moment of temporary insanity and consider joining yet another writer’s organization. Yes, you’re still falling for that illusion of camaraderie that really doesn’t exist unless you’re married to your co-author, write under one name, and go to couples therapy twice a week. So stay in your home office where you’re happy, calm, productive, and (as long as you face the door) no one can stab you in the back or shove you over into an out-of-service elevator shaft.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Sit down because I have some tragic news. You’re not going to win that writing award. Or get the runner-up thing. Sorry. But hey, the new highlights you got for the library opening look fabulous, and that will be a good hair day for you, too. Be careful not to give any interviews about losing the award, and don’t post on your blog for at least a week after. To be on the safe side, two weeks. Also, see if your sister still has a couple of Valium left over from her last breakdown. Yes, you deserved it so much more than anyone else but sometimes committees make mistakes. No, really, why would I lie to you?

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Since you’re Taurus’s best pal, you need to e-mail her right now and try to talk her out of using that bio photo in the back of her next book. I mean, have you seen it? My cats have hawked up prettier hairballs. Before you look at it, maybe you should get one of those viewers like the kids use during solar eclipses. And what were you thinking, letting her buy that tarty outfit with all the sequins? I know she’s stubborn but do you really want to watch her be detained by BEA security on suspicion of solicitation?

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Don’t fall in love with that title because this month your editor is going to kill it. The new title she wants will be something like The Kissing Swords, The Kissing Guns or The Ships Who Kissed. And no, telling her it’s not a M/M romance won’t make a difference. While I know you’re the zodiac’s biggest procrastinator, do something about it before the ditz slaps it on your cover permanently (you know the drill: call your agent, cry all over him or say that you’re thinking of quitting so you can write self-pubbed stuff for Kindle, then hold your breath and pray.) Also, Mercury is going to stir up that cyber stalker you thought had found someone else to harass, so keep your backups updated and watch your blog comments.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Dude. So not worth it. Chill.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Yes, that book by the colleague who knocked you off the Times list top ten was a complete pile of unadulterated crap, but he has a publicist who actually does more than e-mail once and vanish off the face of the earth. Rein in your ire and channel your frustration into the work. No, you can’t Tuckerize him and kill his character by slowly dropping him into a vat of molten ore. Rather than crawl into the abyss, congratulate him. Then pitch that new dazzling idea you had to his editor, because I have it on good authority that he thinks he’s Stephen King and is about to jump ship because no one at the current publisher is kissing his ass the way they do Steve’s. You know what that means: open slot!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
While I know you hate your plans being trashed, you’re about to get kicked off the program grid at the next writer conference. It seems your synopsis writing workshop is not as titillating as the multi-author spitfest being put on by HenParty.com. My advice is to hold your workshop anyway, just have it at McDonald’s across the street. That’s where all the real writers are going to be because they can’t afford room service or the hotel restaurant. P.S., your conference roommate is going to steal your best black jacket, your good hair dryer and your toothpaste and blame it on the maid. Check the side pocket of her carry-on before you check out.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
I would never call you an airhead, but lately there's been a hole in your mental bucket, and stuff has been falling out. Remember that research book you got from the library? You left it in the park next to the fountain, and a homeless lady is now using torn-out pages from it as Charmin. And that notebook with your almost-finished synopsis? Little Jimmy thought it was his, took it to school and is now at lunch reading it out loud to all the other fifth graders at his table (good thing you decided against writing erotica, yes?) Put aside the confrontation scene between the hero and the antagonist for a couple hours, update your calendar and clean off your desk. P.S., your income tax return is at the bottom of pile #23, and is now thirteen days late.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Little dreamer, you're about to get bruised, and not in the good way. Your last release is slated to be torn apart on that discussion board where you're guesting authoring this week. The ring leader will be your ex-critique partner, who will use the handle Bewildered (he's not bewildered, btw, he's beyond pissed that you sold another series when no one even wants to look at the book of his heart.) With all your fans planning to be there, this could become a bloodbath, unless you pop over, say hi to the ingrate after his first post, marvel over how easy it is to tell that it's him from the quality of his writing, and thank him for taking the time from his busy schedule to talk about your book. Then throw in something about how much you've always appreciated his support, wisdom and insight. No, you're not going to burn in hell for self-defense lying, I promise.