Thursday, November 05, 2009

Woeful Ten

Ten New Terms for Writer Woes

Agentnesia: Your agent gives a long, detailed interview at the world's most popular website, during which he mentions every author he represents along with the title of their latest release -- except you and yours.

Copywronged: After finding an error made by the copy-editor on your manuscript, you correct it and send it in. When you find the same error on the galleys, you correct it and send it in with a note flagging it for your editor, who assures you it will be corrected. When you receive the printed edition of your novel, the error is still in the book.

Gush-Slammed: As your editor calls to tell you how great your story is and all the things she loves about it, you gradually realize that she's not talking about your book.

Misenveloped: You print out address labels to give your submission envelopes a more professional look, only you unknowingly switch two of them, and don't discover the mistake until you receive very terse responses from an erotica editor and an inspirational editor.

Pornswoggled: You are delighted by the daily, enthusiastic comments left by a dozen new visitors to your blog, and when you finally have a few minutes click on their ID links to check out their profiles -- and are promptly whisked off to a dozen hardcore porn sites.

Snitwittered: You plow through a hailstorm of ugly e-mails from outraged readers about your behavior on Twitter, on which you don't have an account. However, someone with nineteen married boyfriends, a scorching case of the clap, and a compulsion to inform the entire world of every tiny horrific detail of her unhappy love life does, and she's using the exact same name as yours.

Supplylessness: Just before you get the last chapter of your manuscript printed, the printer runs out of toner or paper. While looking for more, you discover only empty boxes with a post-it note that reads "Buy more toner" or "Need more paper."

Synopsiwhoopsis: After spending a week writing your synopsis, you e-mail it to your editor, print out a hard copy for your files, glance over it one last time, and notice that you mispelled the title, your own name, and the word synopsis.

Titleripped: A few months after your publisher rejects your proposal, you go to the bookstore and discover your very unique, never-before used title on the cover of another author's latest release.

Voice-Nailed: You call your editor, whose voice mail directs you to call her assistant. You call her assistant, whose voice mail directs you to call her intern. You call her intern, whose voice mail directs you to call the receptionist. You call the receptionist, who immediately puts you on hold and then twenty minutes later disconnects you. When you call the receptionist back, all you get is a busy signal.

17 comments:

  1. Oh wow. Have any of those things actually happened??

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  2. rotflol-- these are too funny!

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  3. Hehehehe. Excellent!
    -nico

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  4. Those new terms are damn funny, Lynn. Pornswoggled and Titleripped are classic and they all sound like they were written from personal experience.

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  5. Oh my gawsh...so funny. Yet, not.

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  6. I used to double and triple check my envelopes to make sure the contents matched the label! You have so nailed the writer woes.

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  7. These are hysterical, but now I am frightened.

    ; )

    Dona Nobis Pacem & Thursday Thirteen

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  8. Keita Haruka8:59 AM

    Ah, supplylessness...I know you well...:p

    *collapses in hysterical laughter*

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  9. LMAO!!!!!! I love these. Hilarious.

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  10. Supplylessness happens to me all the time! You'd think I'd learn...

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  11. "Synopsiwhoopsis" That one made me laugh out loud.

    Great list!

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  12. Oh man, I hope you made these up!

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  13. Me too! Synopsiwhoopsis. Too, too funny.

    Some of these must come from experience. Care to share? ;)

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  14. ROTFL. Please tell us these things did NOT actually happen to you. If so, I think it's time to find a new agent and editor.
    c.

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