Warning

When I Am an Old Writer I Shall Write Purple Prose

(Dedicated with love to Jenny Joseph)

When I am an old writer, I shall write purple prose
and ask for erotic red cover art that offends the art department
And I shall spend my advance on the Levengers catalog
and buy voodoo candles, and say I've no money for medical insurance.
I shall sit down at writer conferences when I am tired
(even if I have to kick Jan Karon out of my way first)
and gobble up Godiva and write scorching parodies
and use my laptop to write a love scene during another writer's workshop
and make up for everything I was too afraid to do during my rookie year.
I shall go out in my favorite Oh, Blow Me T-Shirt at reader conferences
and recommend on my blog books by competing authors
and learn how to swear at my agent.

You can write terrible tell-alls and piss off reviewers
and eat three pounds of M&Ms at a go
or only french bread pizza and popcorn for a week
and hoard promotional pens and bookmarks and giveaway books in boxes

But now we must write books that keep us employed
and pay our internet bill and not tell the editor to shove those revisions
and set a good example for the Aspiring.
We must have writer friends over for critique group and read Publishers Weekly.
But maybe I ought to practice ruining my career a little now?
So people who know me are not too dismayed and confused
When I start hanging out at PBW
and write purple prose.