Editorisms

Ten Things Editors Say, and What They Really Mean

1. "Authors are wonderful, creative geniuses. I love working with them."

Authors are neurotic, obsessive-compulsive nutcases. Luckily,
so am I.

2. "Congratulations on winning the Northeast Writers' Golden Goose Quill Honorable Mention for Excellence in Happily Ever After Endings."

There is no way in hell I'm fitting all that on your cover.

3. "Don't worry, John, I'm not mad at you."

Don't be surprised, John, if your next advance check is misplaced. For eight months. Bastard.

4. "I appreciate the chance to look at the revised copy of your novel, but it is still not appropriate for our line."

If you send me this damn Book of Your Heart one more time, no matter what cool new title you slap on it, I'm coming to your house and beating the crap out of you.

5. "I don't expect an acknowledgement."

Excuse me -- did your mother, best friend or critique partner help you work out the subplot problems in half this book, or listen to you cry about your reviews, or front you the money for your divorce, or take you out to dinner at National and pour you into your hotel room after you drank fifteen Margaritas? No? Maybe you should think about who did when you're writing up the acknowledgements.

6. "I can't believe how adventurous your heroine is."

I can't believe your heroine slept with every single guy in the story. Twice, no less.

7. "I see you've sent me a vampire romance."

Dear God, not another vampire romance.

8. "My greatest joy in life is editing books."

Pardon me? What life?

9. "Yes, I rejected Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. At the time it wasn't right for our imprint."

How do you like the final draft of my suicide note?

10. "Your advice on how we should edit, market and speak about our books is duly noted."

Oh, blow me.

(No real editor was actually quoted during the composition of this post, but a few were paraphrased. Dedicated to L., with much admiration.)