Ten Things People Say When They Meet Writers
(and what we're really thinking while we're politely smiling)
1. Are you really a writer, or was he joking?
He was joking; I'm a retired porn film producer. Say hi to your husband for me.
2. Authors make big money, don't they?
Of course we do. I'm just putting these canapes in my purse for the dog.
3. Books put me to sleep.
Sounding out all those words must be pretty exhausting.
4. Can you write like Stephen King?
No, but I bet you could give him ideas for his next book.
5. Do you have a real job?
Yes, I beat the crap out of people who think writing isn't a real job. Can I talk to you outside for a minute?
6. Have I read anything you've written?
Oh, my God. You can read?
7. I never go into bookstores. I can't find anything I like.
Hey, maybe someday Barnes & Noble will carry pork rinds and personal massage units.
8. I have this great idea for a book. Would you write it for me?
Sure. Just as soon as I write the books for the forty thousand other people with great ideas that I met before you.
9. My sister/wife/mother reads all your romance novels.
Don't worry, Big Guy, your secret is safe with me.
10. You don't look like a famous writer.
While you, on the other hand, look exactly like a jackass.