Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Atypical Brain Mush

Ten Things My Editors Won't Use As Blurbs

1. Afterburn: "S.L. Viehl is best known for creating the popular Stardoc series, featuring Cherijo Torin, whose bitter attitude and constant hail of corrosive sarcasm made her, toward the end, one of the most unpleasant protagonists this side of Thomas Covenant."

Ha. Take that, Donaldson. And hey, did someone end my series and forget to tell me again?

2. Beyond Varallan: "I'll admit it, she's got me hooked, I want to know what happens next. But, with all the sado-masochistic submissive kink floating around, buying the next book 'd leave me feeling like a codependent enabler."

Okay, Sasha White, no more complaining that there isn't enough sex in my books.

3. Dark Need: "In Viehl's world, there is no such thing as happily ever after, especially for Alexandra and Michael."

A psychic, how cool. [Note to self: forget about the HEA for Alex and Michael. Reviewer says there is no such thing.]

4. Endurance: "Viehl's basic writing skills continue to improve, though sentence structure remains a problem for her."

Personally I think it's wonderful that my ninth grade English teacher is still alive and reviewing my books.

5. If Angels Burn: "Not your typical brain mush with sex, Lynn Veihl can write."

I'm putting that one on the business cards.

6. Paradise Island: "Could this author have tried to keep the plot more close to the vest?"

I could have tried, but my womanly curves get in the way.

7. Plague of Memory: "I still like Viehl's writing, but I don't see any way possible for her to bring Cherijo out of the hole she's dug for one of the most interesting heroine's ever."

(whispered) Read Bio Rescue.

8. StarDoc: "A novel as poorly plotted, as clunkily written, as depthless and soulless as Stardoc could only have been published under the label science fiction."

You know, this guy is making me hot.

9. Sun Valley: "Buying this book is like buying a generic tampon: the next day you wonder what in the heck were you thinking."

I'm thinking TMI, how about you guys?

10. [WFH Novel]: "From Booklist: *Starred Review*"

I finally get one and I can't tell anybody. Rats.

(This post is dedicated, with much love, to R.)

20 comments:

  1. Ha ha ha! Those are funny! About halfway through, I was like, "Are these real or is her imagination really that good?"

    Thanks, I needed a laugh--bad day at work.

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  2. Can you at least tell us which Booklist? We won't tell. :o)
    Ann

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  3. "Not your typical brain mush with sex, Lynn Veihl can write."

    Nice ;)

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  4. That's hilarious. I hope one day when I am a famous novelist (oh surely just days away now) I can get great blurbs like that. Maybe I'll put one my headstone.

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  5. "S.L. Viehl is best known for creating the popular Stardoc series, featuring Cherijo Torin, whose bitter attitude and constant hail of corrosive sarcasm made her, toward the end, one of the most unpleasant protagonists this side of Thomas Covenant."

    I would buy a book that used this as a blurb. I would throw down my money by the time I got to "corrosive sarcasm". Maybe that's just me.

    "sado-masochistic submissive kink"
    dito

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  6. These are hilarious. I especially like #4. Can you bloody imagine?!

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  7. SandyW11:05 AM

    Note to self: Exercise great caution reading PBW at work. Tends to make co-workers look at me funny.

    Yeah, ‘corrosive sarcasm’ is enough to send me straight to the bookstore. The only thing wrong I can see with some of these titles is that they don’t appear to be available as ebooks. The next time you talk to the People In Charge Of That Kind Of Stuff, you might mention that the whole Stardoc series could be made available in ebook.

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  8. Thanks for starting my day with a giggle!

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  9. Karen W.12:51 PM

    Thanks for starting my day off with a laugh! :)

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  10. *lmao* OMG! These are hilarious! I especially liked:

    ""I'll admit it, she's got me hooked, I want to know what happens next. But, with all the sado-masochistic submissive kink floating around, buying the next book 'd leave me feeling like a codependent enabler.""

    Your brain never stops working!

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  11. Can you at least tell us which Booklist? We won't tell. :o)

    Yeah, I'll second that one...

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  12. I can't give any more info than I have on the starred review without violating the terms of the applicable contract. Sorry, folks.

    I'd like to take credit for composing all of the blurbs listed, because I think they're hysterically funny, but alas, they are actual quotes from (usually anonymous) reviews of the respective novels.

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  13. OMG, they're actual quotes? Too funny! And, it reminded me how much I hated Thomas Covenant (he almost put me off white gold forever).

    Not your typical brain mush with sex -- This book is clearly a keeper.

    LOL...

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  14. Oh, these are so funny!

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  15. Lauren4:43 PM

    Hmm, using the words "generic" and "tampon" in a book review - well, okay, unique I suppose. *Note to self - don't enrage the generic tampon users*

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  16. Hi,
    I loved your story about your bookmarks, you just wait I bet they start selling on ebay soon :-)

    may I add you to my links

    Best wishes

    Annie

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  17. OMG! These really are true? Loved the peanut gallery comments! :)

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  18. These are great! LOL

    "Buying this book is like buying a generic tampon: the next day you wonder what in the heck were you thinking."

    I almost snorted coffee from laughing. TMI Indeed! Thanks for the morning laugh.

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  19. Okay, Sasha White, no more complaining that there isn't enough sex in my books.

    Me? Complain? *blink blink*
    *grin* Okay, so I might want a little more...but only cuz you're enabling MY addiction. LOL

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  20. Anonymous6:00 AM

    lynn viel, i ve never read your books, yet, but i sure want to now, because of your sense of humour and "corrosive sarcasm" draws me!!!

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